Broken Snowglobes

I imagine that if you broke a snowglobe it would be tragic as the water would slowly seep out, eventually leaving it as an empty and less worthful object. It would probably then be thrown out or tossed in a box under the stairs to collect dust and to be forgotten for a very long time. And yes, I do think things in boxes can accumulate dust. Dust is sneaky like that.

I feel like tears are often the same as the water in snowglobes. They fall haphazardly and without warning sometimes, or maybe because there was too much pressure built up, or because of an incident. Regardless, once they all fall out they leave you feeling less than full, and mostly empty. It is a feeling of loss and confusion and often misunderstanding of what happened.

Snowglobes should be handled with care, and so should tears.

Classifieds

Looking For:

A new "Go-To" person. Someone selfless with good logicality and listening skills. Someone that will respond in crisis but also just be there for all of the good times. Gender does not matter. Pre-requisites: must not be an ex of mine.

Please contact me for further information.

Nails That Look Like Screws

Sometimes you need reminders. Like a string tied to your finger so you dont forget the milk. I should go find a string to remind me not to step on things. I think I got so caught up in the unwell feeling that seems constant that I forgot what real pain is. I am pretty sure I know remember. I have been reminded that it is much more painful to step on a nail with tons of swirls and to get it half stuck in your foot and then removed. The getting it stuck part doesnt even really hurt. It mostly just hurts when they try and pull it out or when they stick a needle in your foot. In an odd way I am glad I stepped on it. It just kinda brought me back to reality. Pain does that. It is a hassle though as I cant really run since it hurts to walk but thats okay. I will just take this week to get back on track.

Reminder, dont step on sharp things that can impale you, it can be inconvenient. 

The Truth Behind My Lack of Marriage

Odd how the marriage topic is coming up. It just is happening in real life so it isnt my fault that I am writing about it. You see the other day I was having an immersion week in a hospital. As such I was helping with a few patients and observing and what not. The last morning we were with a patient we had been seeing each morning. He was a bit unpredictable but our walk was less traumatic than usual and so when it was finally time to get him into the chair before leaving I was feeling like things had gone much smoother than the past two days, it had been decent. Then as I was helping him into the chair he commented on my weak muscles. In his broken english he told me that I didnt have a husband because of said small muscles, and that I needed to eat more, he then proceeded to tell me his wife was strong.

All of these years and I just didnt know. I mean I thought my arms were toned but apparently not. And since I am crazy I went straight from the hospital to the gym and worked out enough to have my arms still hurting a day and a half later. I am not letting small muscles be my demise, good try.

Being On A Date With Him Was Like Being With A Brick Wall

One time I was in a class about Islam. It was really lovely and their was a boy from Pakistan, he was the most insightful. And so once class the discussion turned to arranged marriage. It seemed like a foreign concept and yet when his input began it made sense. Why not have the people that know you best find you someone? It still didnt seem like my thing as I like the idea of being excessively independent but I was intrigued.

Today I am not sure I feel the same though. As I was conversing with my brother I realized he is my favourite person, he understands me better than anyone else and we can talk about everything. Due to this he has been left with the job of finding me a husband. You see this may seem like a joke but it isnt. Clearly with my years of dating being looked at I am not choosing the right people. I mean I can find someone that seems to have it on paper and then go on a date and find it as boring as being with a brick wall. And there have been people so wrong on paper that were a great match for time. But the problem comes down to the illogicality of the heart and how it makes me retarded. So wouldnt it just be best if someone that knows me entirely just choose a man that has the right qualities and would treasure me? It makes sense. I understand why some cultures practice arranged marriage. I think it is touching.

Do you believe in unicorns?

Margin of Error

"You find the magic of the world in the margin of error"

So perhaps I heard this on a tv show but I am okay with that. It just really rang true so the source is mostly irrelevant. It is when something unexpected happens, something you think is impossible or at least improbable, that you find the magic in it all. It is the unexplained and unexpected that creates the beauty. I think thats what I miss. I suppose that makes it easy though because I recognize that and know its what I am looking for. It is when people surprise us and someone fit perfectly when they shouldnt that we can find what we need. I think the margin of error is overlooked. We spend so much time scrutinizing what we expect and what should happen that we glance over the small yet beautiful things that are really just happening from error.

Reverie

They say the wind is everyone you've ever loved grazing their lips on your cheek.

Sometimes that seems to be a chilling feeling and other times it's comforting. Somehow tonight as my hair blows gently across my face it is both. It takes at least four times as long to get home this way but there is something about being outside and the independence of the journey that is comforting.

Things have been different for me lately. I don't know if there is a reason or not but I think it may be referred to as growing up. I have been appreciating what I have and what matters more than usual. I treasure family like nothing else and have been taking time to just be outside and to breathe in the air. I have been appreciating the health I have as I realize that it could be so much worse and I have started taking responsibility for it all, for everything. I suppose I have just finally come to a point where I recognize where I am at and I am accepting it and trying to make the most of it. Perhaps this is me learning to live now and not in either past or future. And maybe it is less philosophical and nothing.

All I know is that I have stopped feeling like I need someone and can't handle life. I have stopped wanting someone for the sake of them being there and started to remember what matters in someone to share part or lots of your life with. I am reminiscent of people that have changed my life and I feel encouraged knowing that I have met people like that before. I suppose I just feel really grateful because of I didn't I would get bogged down in the self anguish I create in recognizing failures. I am learning to love myself.

You move me like I've never been moved before.

I'm Tired In This Every Moment

Lyrics really can express things better than I can. I dont know why I bother thinking of my own words most of the time. Regardless, I have been really tired. When I say tired I mean I am tired enough to go to bed before 7 each night. Although I do make myself wait til at least 9 because prior to that seems excessive I just am really tired. Even if the clock would account for me lying in that giraffe spread bed for 9 hours it really means nothing it seems. Its not really something you can explain to someone and have them understand.

The thing is I am not overdoing it. My days arent overly stressful right now. And the hours I have free are full of things I like, such as organizing, watching something, reading, running or in the kitchen. So it isnt like things are that rough. I just am really tired with no outward reason. I suppose that is a downside of the appearance of chronic fatigue. Maybe I am wrong, maybe I dont one hundred percent have it, but I can guarantee that it is related to the plaguing health issues I cannot resolve. It is always interlocked. The pain, the nausea, the exhaustion. I am not writing this to whinge. I really am not  but this is kinda my blog and therefore I can say what I am thinking. And I thinking that being exhausted constantly is annoying. I also think that spending my asleep hours dreaming of almost dying on a frequent basis is not helping the situation.

I could have it so much worse. And I accept the place I am at and that there is no easy solution. I just am tired. I just need to find enough energy to inspire my class tonight, although if I dont, my new playlist for our first class back of the year should do it. Thank goodness for Bon Iver, Jamestown Story and Lights.

My Possible Domestication

I realized today that I may not be as typical as I thought. We were sitting around a table in a clinic in a hospital. It was asked why we chose this as our career path. My answer was simple, I had wanted to be a doctor but I decided that having a family was more important and I didnt want to just be starting my career at 30 when I could be having kids. So I chose a more family friendly career. My response was unique to say the least.

I then thought about it. I dont care what other people say. I am at a point where I am ready to get married and be on that path. I like baking and cooking and trying new recipes. I know how to use a sewing machine and how to hem and I have learned to knit and cross stitch several times before. I am a bit domesticated and I am more than fine with that. I cant help it if I am in the twenty first century and yet dont mind traditional gender roles. I mean amidst it all I am excessively independent and I really am untraditional in most ways so its fine with me if I am good at the homely things.

I dont know why it stood out so much today. Perhaps because I blatantly saw that I really really want to work with kids and to be in the next stage of life. The one where I have a job and am not a student. The one where I have more time to just be rad and to bake ninja cookies. I think I may be domesticated and that that may not be typical anymore.

The Green Goblin's Brother and Scrubs

Dreams are not my thing. I have no qualms in admitting that I am not a fan of sleep. I am not even sure I know what it feels like to be well rested so when I have nights full of dreams it doesnt usually leave me feeling any aspect of thrilled.

The other night it was one of those dreams were we had to piece some puzzle together to try and not have something horrible happen I presume. We were shown a photo and at first we didnt know who it was, then I did. But I couldnt just say who it was like I would be able to when I am awake, I could only describe that he was the green goblin's brother and that it had to do with scrubs med school. I really just was trying to say Dave Franco.

I dont understand why dreams have to be so complicated and stressful. In most dreams I cant even see clearly, its basically like I dream without having my glasses on which equals me seeing little to nothing. So really they are just frustrating. I suppose that the one upside is that they make me realize how much worse life would be if it was anything similar to my dreams. It does make me wonder if everyone has messed up dreams all the time though or if it just goes along with my lack of ability to sleep.

Probably Part of Picture Bigger Than My Blind Eyes Can See

I sometimes forget that there is a bigger picture. I really should always remember it because as I noticed today, even with my excessively thick glasses the words in front of me can still be fuzzy. I think thats sometimes how I go through life. Not realizing that things could be clearer I just cant see that right now.

I keep getting glimpses of that picture though. This week I got a series of emails. I was confused at first why I was sent several instead of one. But it didnt matter. Each one contained a photo of someone special. My sister and her bf, one of my other sister at halloween, one of the girls, one of grandma and one of my beloved black sister with extensions. Somewhere in those smiles I remembered that at the end of the day they are what matter. It isnt about the petty things that happen daily its about the people that are always there and the ones you would do anything for. I wont lie, sometimes I really miss home.

But then I got another completely different look. Today I ran into someone I really hadnt seen in a year. Which makes it seem like I have been here a really long time. But I thought back to last year when he was so kind and I just wasnt even interested in dating. I was so caught up in the past and an american that I just wasnt living my life here. And as we caught up today I realized how much I have grown in the last year. I have a life here now, and I like it. I have started building up a network of people in my life in all different areas. I have routines and I like how set things are. So as we chatted I became aware of how grateful I am that in only a year I have made a home and no longer feel like I have missed out on something left behind. I wonder if I ever really felt like Utah was my home, I dont think I did. I miss it now, a lot some days, but I have actually grown enough to settle down and live now instead of always waiting until something becomes more permanent.

My eyesight is still poor, and I cant really piece together the future beyond the next 11 months that seem so rigidly set in stone. But I feel a sense of peace and excitement as I recognize that the bigger picture is holding something great because I have the things that matter most already.

It's the Strong Vs the Weak With a Chance They Both Might Break

It feels like that constantly without the realization of breaking. Life generally seems like we are working to become strong or fighting for something knowing we are the underdog. And then there is the odd chance when we are the one with the upper hand expected to walk away with the winnings. Yet do we actually realize that regardless of our position when its a versus situation both parties may lose. It isnt an exclusive thing, life doesnt always have clear winners and losers.

I often forget that I cant do everything alone. And when I get into those situations I find that I change the versus internally and still have that battle as I struggle to accept strengths and focus on weaknesses. I think that when we are aware that pitting ourselves against anything we are just setting ourselves up for the chance to break we have to be careful. I am not saying we shouldnt challenge ourselves and others, I just feel like its more beneficial to be on the same team than to put everyone at a risk of breaking.

I could stand to be more of a team player. I wouldnt say I look out exclusively for me, I just dont usually gravitate to group things, I prefer to just be on my own as I know that if there is failure it doesnt hurt someone else. Perhaps the whole thought behind this is that the strong and the weak should just come together in a synergetic type of way and then the both breaking thing wont be an issue. We are all strong yet full of weaknesses but we dont have to choose to break.

I need to be less hard on myself.

Floodiversary

Let me tell you a story children. A story of a time that seems so long ago.

Once upon a time I moved to another land. I settled in and began to build a life there. It tended to rain a lot but it was a nice relief from the heat so it was a joy. After a few weeks water began to pool on the street. It was nothing significant usually. Most mornings it was ankle height. 

But as the rain came and time passed the water reached a bit higher. But I wasnt concerned, so I took a photo as I walked through the water on my to school and thought nothing more of it.

Until the next day. It was a Tuesday and we were at uni. All of a sudden we were being given announcements of flooding. Many suburbs and roads were beginning to flood. We kept learning though, and began reassuring our peers. It didnt seem real and I was not worried. Eventually the mood became heightened and we were sent home and we would be notified when classes resumed. I began to make a plan, I would go to the store and pick up some groceries and spend these days off snacking and watching movies. So I went to the store. By the time I got to my street I realized it was filling up with water. And it was bin day so the bins began to float away. However, I was still calm and trudged on, I mean in.

But as I kept walking the water began to rise much higher than expected. It was now above my waist and I had several houses to walk with no other option. So I continued on with hopes that nothing dangerous was in the water with me.

As I got home I turned around and realized the water was halfway up the driveway, but it was a solid steep driveway and I had a two story house. So I went in and made pasta and started facebooking.

This is when things start getting blurry. I remember sitting and being calm. Then hearing from my housemate that our home was flooding. I didnt comprehend what that meant. I knew to take valuables. So I began to pack all of the things I would need. My textbooks, my black pearls, my photos, pajamas and an outfit or two. Not much. I then made a few frantic calls as I was getting nervous. A girl from uni that lived up the road offered to come and help. By this point the water was head height and further up the driveway. But I was sensible and put on my swimsuit and had my umbrella.

My housemates came home. We moved as much furniture and belongings upstairs and to the highest peaks possible. We each grabbed a few bags. I took two backpacks. It was all I could really carry over my head and I planned on coming right back. I didnt think it would mean losing a home. So off we went. Through the hole in the fence, across the neighbours driveway and through an abandoned chicken coop up the hill to the street behind us. A dear friend picked me up and handed me several towels before letting me in the car. And then I was homeless.

After two days of watching it on TV I realized I had barely any clothes and no home. The tide was peaking and I started to realize that floods were a bit sucky. So the boys that had given me a roof over my head went to my home and collected some belongings. It really was not a safe or healthy idea and I am still shocked they did it. They had to swim through a back yard, over a fence and into the second story of my house where they then grabbed a suitcase of clothes for me.

The sun came out but the waters stayed. I went back to check and more of the street was flooded than I could have imagined. I couldnt even get close to my street.

A friend of my housemate came around and checked on the place. It really wouldnt look so bad if you didnt realize that was the second story balcony that the water had surpassed. Our beloved home was now full of dirty flood mud and water. 

 It didnt hit until I was back in the house cleaning it out that I wouldnt be living there again. I really thought the flood would come and go and life would be back to normal. It wasnt. We used a boat to get things across the road since our street was still flooded and spent a lot of time hosing down belongings. 

And then we were for real homeless it seemed. It was on to friends places until a new place could be secured. We were blessed to have so many people take us in and to love us.

So kids, when you find water outside your home above your knees or waist, it probably is best to pack the things you really need, not textbooks, and to get off of facebook. Time is precious and natural disasters are rampant and affect many lives. Floods happen, and so do floodiversaries. So take time to reminisce and be grateful and to laugh about things like losing shoes in flood mud in chicken coops while being homeless. 

Today it didnt rain.

... But Words Will Hurt Forever

I probably watch way too much Scrubs since I can use quotes from it to describe basically everything I could imagine to feel. Maybe that is why I rewatch it. It is comfortable, it is safe and JD expresses enough emotion that I dont have to do it outwardly.

It wasnt like there was name calling. It wasnt immature. It was just a message. A short message informing me that we couldnt text because it opened old wounds. Maybe it wouldnt have stung so much if I felt at fault. I didnt really. You had asked about me. I had no intention of any communication with you today, I didnt have study questions and I was caught up in my own world which was logical. It feels unfair to be recut off when I was the one that was so cautious and had to set up space boundaries to heal in the first place. It shouldnt have hurt. It wasnt just the words, it was the fact that it triggered my mechanosensitivity. It doesnt even make sense. Something emotional shouldnt be able to create or reproduce physical pain. I didnt say that to you though. I kept it simple and refrained from saying a single thing I thought or wanted. The last few days I have thought about telling you whats going on, I was trying to convince myself that people dont always leave. And that if we could be exes and actually be real friends that it meant that you would always be here when I needed something, plus you know the background of most things. So I thought maybe you were the answer to prayers. I mean it almost felt safe. I am glad it didnt entirely and I stayed silent. I must just like hurting myself, why else would I try so hard to mend fences.

People do leave. And regardless of what they say they dont usually stay. Some will, but only a select few. I honestly thought that I was beyond this, but maybe once you love someone you never entirely unlove them. And its the people that you love that always know the exact way to cut you the most. So even though sticks and stones may break my bones, words will hurt forever. Your words hurt but I wont be one to fight this time. Dasvedanya. I wont be reopening those wounds.

Do You Think Time Would Pass Us By?

I just wish I could stop time sometimes. Mostly just so I can stop and think and just take a moment to breathe things in. To figure out what is happening. To find solutions instead of just problems and to be able to take control. I just feel so lost and confused but that doesnt make sense. I know exactly what I am doing and days are planned out and most of the next year is set in a form of almost solid stone. So I should feel on track and in control. I am in control. It is my life. But somehow I get feelings of mass disaster and collapse. I think it must be insecurity setting in, maybe because things are becoming real. I cant just hide behind books anymore. I have to actually stand on my own two feet with nothing else much besides the brains in my head. And I am terrified. Too much rides on me succeeding. Failure isnt an option here. And I know it isnt really in the cards. But all of those things you cant plan for and those ones you wish you could plan for or timeline but you cant even fully imagine, just seem to somehow dim the brightness of what I can expect. I am impatient and sometimes short sighted and I know that if I could see the big picture I wouldnt feel this way but sometimes I cant help the way I feel.

So I wish I could just take a breathe and find clarity in the things that scare me but not to have time pass while I find that clarity because somehow time is passing as if we are all skating along without stopping for anything.

Chiropetera

The way their wings move and the fact that you can see the bones and the webbing fascinates me. It gives me that eery calming feeling as I watch them swoop around when I do yoga in the evenings. Its as if they are watching but also protecting. I would like one as a pet. A fruit bat specifically. I feel like that would be more awesome than most other animals, besides my future pet jellyfish Frederick.

I cant help but be amazed by such creations. Their intricacy and beauty is stunning and intriguing. I sometimes wonder what it would be like to be free like that. To just be able to fly and glide wherever you want and to be able to frighten people by swooping at then from trees and to be a frugivore. It just seems to magical and without major downsides. But maybe bats are more humanish than we realize. Some are carnivorous and some arent, and some are vampires. I think that basically covers all human species. So maybe we arent that different from the other creatures around us. It makes me love them even more realizing how unique and yet humanlike they are in my mind. I would really like a bat, or wings.

When The Pieces Finally Start Fitting

I think life is like a puzzle. We have all of the tools and things we need to succeed but sometimes it is so incredibly hard to find the ones we need. If you are like me you start with the outside pieces, that ones that seem to make the most sense. Then it is a matter of scouring through all the other pieces trying to find the specific one you need for each scenario. Most of the time I have no idea what some pieces are or their relevance and I have a hard time seeing how any sort of picture can be made. But then when it starts coming together I feel amazed. It's like stepping back for the first time and realizing your work was for something.

That was today. I never really associated my yoga experiences with physiotherapy. I did in the rehab sense but not in the fact that it would actually be excessively beneficial. So there I was. One on one with my patient with an educator taking notes. And it was awesome. I had pre-planned in that planning I realized it was the same as yoga scripting. You plan logically, per position and starting with more of a warm up and then moving to harder techniques. It really was the same. And the interaction was so normal and easy. It just was fluid and right. And for the first time I saw it fit together. I actually am going to be a good physio, I can do this, and I will do it well. I am a bit proud of myself today. Hard work does pay off.

I Would Go To Jail With Only Boys, Just To Prove I Was As Tough As You

I like to appear strong. Independent. Like I dont need someone else to fight my fights. I dont want people to ever think I am weak especially not weaker than boys. I may be, but I dont like to come across that way. Perhaps thats why I am so sarcastic and brash. It is really just a way hide insecurity and fear. I dont know why I have this innate since to prove myself. I dont even know who I am placing myself up against most of the time, its probably just like Chuck Norris or something, that would make sense.

It makes me wonder though, wonder why I am this way. I am pretty sure it relates to the fact that I see weakness in myself easily and dont want such weaknesses to be apparent to wandering eyes. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I can shelf emotions and painful things and look objectively at most situations and without the emotion I see the black and white of what is strong and what is weak. And maybe it is because I just want people to realize that I am strong enough to get through the sky falling. Reality is, I probably dont want to go to jail with only boys just to prove a point though.

My Kung Fu/ Ju Jitsu Stuff

Oh hey. I am basically a ninja. Well maybe not. But I definitely entirely wish I was. And apparently my grandfather thinks that I have such skills. I am still a slight bit confused as to how he thinks that Kung Fu and Yoga are the same but I will take it. I mostly really love yoga. A resolution is to do it daily. So fingers crossed. It always confuses me how I can love it so much but how easy it is to not make time for it. I think that comes from my procrastination pants, I would say jeans but I dont really wear those. It is just really easy to waste time or to feel tired and just not get around to the things that matter. I suppose if I stick with that mentality I will never be a ninja. Although I did leap onto a semi high brick wall in three inch heels and a cocktail dress in a most flawless manner the other night... the point of this all is that its good to love something. And to love it so much that people think about it when they think of you.

The Completeness of JD and Elliot

A few hours ago one of the most important people in the entire world got engaged. Nathan and Kaity remind me that fairytales and true love exist, they entirely complete each other. It makes me think of JD and Elliot, possibly because Kaity has always been the JD to my Turk. So now that they are all ringed up I find myself wondering if Nathan is Elliot. He has never acted Ellioty but I mean he has to be Elliot for this to work. It is confusing, but I think I can cope with it. JD and Elliots marriage completed the eight seasons and completed a beautiful chapter in my life, although it isnt exactly completed since I still rewatch scrubs on a frequent basis. The point is, I think that people really can complete each other. Sometimes I am really cynical and jaded but deep down I know that the right person makes you better than you are by yourself. So congratulations my soulmate, I am entirely excited and thrilled with your pure happiness. I love you both.

With Fingers Crossed

It has begun. Another tomorrow has arrived and the world has not ended. I really just think of the new year as another day we are blessed to be alive, I suppose it isnt much of a milestone in my mind, although I admit I like the closure it represents. I like things to come full circle and for chapters to end.

So I begin this next chapter of my choose your own adventure with my fingers crossed. I think this year is about to be crazy. Without knowing much of anything that will happen I already have plans to see snow, something I miss in epic proportions, and then to do placements in 4 hospitals and to graduate and to sign a contract for a job. Those are all kind of largeish things, especially the snow part. So I have my fingers crossed that I will be brave and that I will be able to rise up to these pages that are growing up and preparing for a career. This time I cant just back out and go back to school, I am going to step into the real world. So I want to make the most of the last year of my student days. I am not going to hold back and miss out on the small but monumental things.

As motion city says, with fingers crossed their will be love.

One Thousand Nine Hundred and Eighty Eight plus Twenty Three

The year is about to end. It has less than two handfuls of hours left in the place where I reside. Year endings always make me reflect. And in this reflection I often come to many conclusions and realizations.

This year started out with my house flooding (which I will reminisce about on my floodiversary), and is going to end with a quiet night to conteract that chaos. I think thats not what I want to write about. This isnt a recap of my year, thats what Christmas letters are for, and I dont do those, mostly because it would be boring and I would likely just send it to my Mum who would mock me for it. So that isnt what this is.

I feel at peace with this year. Dont get me wrong, this year was hard. I spent most of it being under the weather in unfortunate circumstances it seemed but  really that doesnt matter, except that it has made me so much stronger. This year kinda battered me up a bit. It was like that one part of a fight where I was losing but then somehow didnt get knocked out. But I look back and I am okay with it. I learned so much about how you cant do everything alone and that even though I am excessively independent that sometimes I need people. I learned that you cant trust everyone and that not everyone really cares, but that when you find people that do care that you shouldnt ever let them disappear. I also found out that I am more stubborn and set in my ways than I realized, I like things a specific way and I dont really like other people doing them differently. I also think I found a lot of myself this year. It was a year when I introspected and found out what actually mattered and decided to focus on those things regardless of what it made me lose.

I am happier now. I feel less burdened with things that made me less of who I want to be. I feel less insecure. Two Thousand and Eleven was really hard, but I have stopped waiting and wishing for days and fifty two weeks to be awesome and I have started taking control of my own life and making those days and weeks what I want. I realized that if I want things I need to work and fight for them, habits dont just form and people dont just change.

I have already begun my resolutions and I am stoked for this year. Even if it's really hard again that will be okay, I can handle it. So farewell year, I am ready to move on.

Your Letterbox

I write a lot of letters that dont end up posted. Some I just write in my head over and over and over and some I write out but leave in notebooks or crumple up. They are always full of words I want to say but dont know how, or dont know if I should. I tend to put my foot in my mouth or come across the wrong way because I get so awkward around feelings so I usually just write it out, and then dont send it.

This is the note I keep scrawling over in my head today.

Remember how we randomly met at a wedding and then you fb stalked me and asked me out? Well  I had a boyfriend but immediately after receiving your message I broke up with him. I figured if I was that excited to actually get to know you I shouldnt be dating someone else. I think the point is ever since that first time we chatted you have impressed me and intrigued me and I constantly wonder if you realize how epically great you are. You changed my life on your porch steps. Thank you. I wish I lived on that continent so we could awkwardly hang out more.

Maybe I will post it to you one day. I wish I was brave like that.

Opening the Letterbox

Time passes and people change. In the season of embracing change and striving to become someone better and less obsessed with the past I decided it was time to move on. Time to actually let myself step away from the past and to build a life where I am. So I walked away from my blog that held so much heartache and longing for people and places that were no longer mine. I want to say this will be different, that I wont have ridiculous posts are boys that are so wrong for me or wishing for snow when I live somewhere so far from that, but that wouldnt be true. Inside I am still the same girl. I still miss home and am dying to be in love, but this time I am a little more grown up and actually ready to move on entirely. Welcome to my letterbox. May you find words of love, laughter and encouragement as you tread along your own journey.

A Fork

I havent been writing on here as much lately. It is not because of a lack of thought. I just sometimes look across this page and see a lot of the past. And things are the past for a reason. I think I am trying to dwell less on the past and more on now and building a future. And sometimes I dont like seeing the reminders of history. I think I am at a fork in the road unsure of what way to go.

Colour My Life With the Chaos Of Trouble

Stagnancy is unproductive, it accomplishes nothing. So the second that life starts getting mundane and days become the same I start looking for changes. I look for something to bring me excitement, to get my heart racing. I am at that point. I like the idea of not going to uni all week but at the same time it is not scheduled. It is open. It has too much time that is disorganized and that leaves me unsettled. I like consistency. Of knowing what each day holds and then trying to add to that. I am at that point. Days feel the same.

And today was the same as any other.

I need change. It is as if I crave some short of chaos. Something to make me work and think but also to add thrill. I want my life to be coloured with the chaos of trouble, as long as it is trouble I can handle.

An Organ

I like organs. Like the ones inside people. I didnt mind going into cadavar labs during my undergrad because I got to see and work with organs. I always liked holding the heart. I know how the heart works. I understand it. I know issues and drugs used to treat such issues in the heart. But when it comes to emotional things I know so little about this organ.

I do not understand why people feel certain ways or the varying degrees of caring. I do not find logic in the workings of the heart and I find it extremely frustrating. I appreciate logic. I like things to make sense. Ergo I really am not a fan of most of the things my heart thinks and seems to decide. I would much rather just have it make sense.

I realize that I fixate. That I care too much and dont like letting go. That my heart doesnt seem to listen to my head and that leads to explicit heartache every time, so it makes no sense that my heart keeps putting me in such positions. I hate all of the feelings my heart has in relationship senses. It always just seems to make me think that there is nothing better than things that didnt work out in the past. Which makes no sense. I try and live right now but my heart doesnt understand that much at all.

The heart is an essential organ that is required for life and I am fascinated by in anatomically and in all scientific ways it seems. However, I think it is the dumbest organ.

The Discovery of T-Rex Arms

Sometimes when someone throws cake at your head it bounces. Sometimes when someone smooshes cake into your face it sticks. This is only a problem if you apparently have T-Rex arms.

Tonight I learned that my arms may be average for my size but when being faced off with a hand each of cake they are not long enough. The result was a cake full of face and possibly one of the best nights of my life. Tonight I had a chance to celebrate being here for a full year with three girls that have made the last year fabulous.

I had a most proper barbeque that was perfect in every way. It had chips and dip and chicken wings and sausages and was in a park. And possibly the best part was the amazing sucker in the cake.

The night made me feel overly loved and left me with a shower that smelled like chocolate cake. I wish my arms were longer for cake fights.

One Yearverrsary

One time I got off a plane and realized I was in a different country and that I lived there and that maybe I was in the wrong place because I couldnt see any kangaroos. That one time was one year ago today. Which is a really long time but it seems like it just barely happened.

The last year has been a rollercoaster, not just emotionally but in every way. I have been challenged physically, mentally and I have grown more in the last year than ever before. I have come to learn a much more total form of independence and come to recognize what things are most important to me. I have loved and lost and learned more about who I am and who I want to be. The last year has molded me a lot. And I feel excessively blessed to have had this opportunity.

Due to the excitement I felt with being here for a year and being halfway done my program I was pumped for my class tonight. I baked them cupcakes and scripted a class that varied more from my norm than ever before. It went over exceptionally well. So well that all of the people loved me and then crowned me the Queen of Australia. I am pumped to be ruling this land. It is gonna rock.

Okay I am not the queen. I lied about that part. But I imagined it happening and it was awesome. I am really happy with who I am and where I am at in life.

Three Six Four

That would be one day less than three six five. Which is a lot of days. I havent been counting them and didnt realize it was so many until today. And when I look at that number I feel like it is really a lot of days. I would say something crazy like how many seconds that would be but I already come across super nerdy so I wont magnify that unnecessarily.

With that many days it sometimes makes things seem not real. Like parts of the past are really just things I imagined up. Sometimes that is probably the case. I imagine a lot and sometimes do it so indepthly I start to wonder if it could be real. It was real and odd and full of bad timing. And for some reason a full three six four later and you are still the person I confide so much in.

I cant really imagine what it was like to be with you, it just seems so long ago. But then part of me does sort of remember it. I remember the ice castles, and that lake, and that rock, and a lot of things. Part of me wishes I could say that it is all just history but  there is that little nagging part of me that says I cant categorize you under past.

I really miss you. Three six four days is a long time to not see someone.

My Life Has Become A Boring Pop Song and Everyone's Singing Along

Blah Blah Blah.. this feels drab lately. Possibly because I am in a rut. It's still the middle of exam period which limits my ability to be outside of a rut. My days are basically 8am library, home for lunch and a check in my the little one and then off to work. Dinner and possibly the gym after work then either bed or library again. This is routine. It is only a few more days. I need to find motivation again. Regardless, that is only half of it. The other half is I am still in that post break up rut. I should be over it. But tonight I realized I am not. I dont know why. Maybe it is because I see him constantly and he has to come across so perfect, tanned, in shape, top grades everytime, everyones friend. Its soo much. It makes me insecure and feel irrelevant. As if I was never a part of that world.  And this is why I am in a rut.

I dont even know what to write.  I will be rutted til wednesday. Although exams ending doesnt fix things. I would be lying if I said it did. I need to fix things. I need to find out why I really feel insecure and inadequate and deal with that. I cant blame him. I know its me. I wont mistake you for problems with me.

I need to fix this.

Mix Tape

I am a sucker for music, I just cannot help it. Therefore I am a sucker for mix tapes. I refound one the other night. An epic cd from a dear friend. The mix involves love songs by mostly indie bands and is overly amazing. In my relistening of this mix over and over again I realized something.

As much as I try and be independent and strong and act like I dont need people that isnt always the case. I like mix cds and feeling like a boy is trying to woo me. Like I am not forcing him to talk to me and that he is putting in some effort to impress me. I like trying new things and giggling because I cant help it. I am a hopeless romantic, or probably just hopelessly hopeful.

Nobody Plans to Be Half A World Away At Times Like These

I know that I live far away. And that is my fault. But usually that does not matter. Technology bridges gaps. And on days that are less than ideal those bridges are well trod.

Today was one of those days. A day when I wanted a bridge. I felt overwhelmed and unsure and frustrated. It felt like the fruits of my labours were non existant and it seemed unfair. I know these feelings pass, but in the moment they are very real, and sometimes difficult. So I just wanted to hear your loving motherly words.

But you are away and not reachable. So as I stepped off the train I found myself whipping the forming tears from my eyes and taking deep breaths. I had to pull it together before I walked into work. I had to remember that you cant change the past and all you can do is move forward.

I feel like my hopes and dreams are so large and sometimes that makes them seem unattainable, especially when things go awry. I really just want to succeed and in that to change lives and be happy. I hate that it is so difficult to accomplish that.

Today it felt like we were more than half a world apart and I really just wanted you to be there. I needed you. But you couldnt have known how much would go on in my head at this time, you dont plan to be half a world away on days like this. Its not your fault. I just feel insignificant and alone.

Hop A Plane

It feels like I am being unreasonable or dramatic. But if you knew the ins and outs and all of the inner workings and expectations in this well oiled machine you would understand. We always talk on Sundays. It is just one of the few days when the time difference allots us both being home at normal hours. Also it is one of the few times when I dont feel rushed to say everything while in a form of transit. And if we dont talk every few days you think something is wrong. Growing up if I didnt keep in touch you would have my head. You worry. So I learned. I learned that even though checking in and updates seemed irrelevant to me, they mean the world to you. So I changed.

So when I got a skype call of the little one being lonely I was confused. You forgot to tell me you actually were going on a cruise, and that you left. You had mentioned it was an option but that is all that it was. I wasnt prepared. I had so many things to say. I get that it is only ten days. But it is the most stressful ten days of the semester in a sense as it is finals for me. And more than that I have had so much on my mind and I worry a lot. So when you left and didnt call me first it cut. It was like your own rules meant nothing when they applied to you.

I really do hope your cruise is epic. But I wont lie, I am sad that you left and forgot to tell me. It makes me feel, well, forgotten. More importantly the little one is hurting still, so much. So my heart breaks that I am not there for her. I will rearrange anything this week to ensure that she feels loved. Even when that means lost study time or missing something. She needs to know that distance means little and I still love her more than anything.

It is dramatic but this is what I imagine you dying being like, except this isnt bad. But that instant feeling of you being gone and be not knowing and not being there and feeling lost and empty and alone and sad is what I imagine it being like. I dont really like that feeling much. I know that we grow up and move out but you never have really let go so I just dont understand how you forgot me. I am sure it wont be a big deal to you when I mention it, and you wont realize it made me cry. I just worry and feel like I have so much to say to you and you arent there. I hate that feeling. I just want the next ten days to be over and for you to be back and for me to hit the halfway point, a point where I can finally breathe again. Be safe. Please.

Patterns of Disconnect

I think I have wandered into a state of introspection in an attempt to prolong my procrastination. The pressure just isnt enough yet to force me away from literature, whether it be what I write or what I am reading. So here I am. Sitting in front of my computer on a saturday night introspecting. I have realized a few tendencies I have, and not in one those "I am so awesome ways".

I tend to form false relationships. Ones that are real through technology but disconnected in reality. It is easy for me to fb someone or send a text but when put in a face to face I immediately retract and withdraw. I think this is why I shy away from online dating, dont get me wrong I think about whether I should join those sites far too often. I just look back and see the boys in high school and college and even people I meet here and realize that there is nothing beyond oversharing through technology. There isnt commonality. There isnt something deeper. I dont really know how I get in these situations to be honest. I think its because when I get bored I really like male attention. That probably isnt a great thing but it is true and I dont mind admitting it.

I am going to try and be more real. I think that would be good for me.

The Future Freaks Me Out

 "We fail to represent, we fail to be content, we fail at everything we ever even try to attempt, and so the story goes"

Its hitting that point. I have to start thinking about my future. And the thought of it freaks me out excessively. In a week and a half I will have been here for a year, and will also be halfway done my program. That means one more year. One more year and I will be graduated. This time for good. There will be no other program to jump into to prolong planning my future. I actually will have to make decisions.

So here is the thing. I always just get up and leave temporarily. I cant seem to make extended plans or to really allow myself to settle. I look at things in a timeframe not infinitely. So making a decision as to where I want to settle down and set up a career scares me. I have left a lot of times, and probably burned bridges in all of my leaving. It scares me to think that I have to establish myself and that it feels like no matter where I do that someone will be hurt. Growing up freaks me out.

R2D2 Swimsuits

Sometimes you converse with people and it doesnt stick. I am the worst for that. I swear I am trying to listen and absorb but sometimes I just cant. I have the hardest time remembering names and specifics. I am not a verbal learner. I know that. I dont learn well in lectures or by reading. I learn by writing and doing. If I wrote down everything someone said during a conversation I would remember it better. But you cant really do that when meeting people.

However, sometimes people say things that captivate me. Like the conversation about the specifics involved with R2D2 swimsuits and their trademark legalities. It was overly fascinating. So much so I randomly thought about it while buying groceries the other day. It just reminded me that I really like conversing with people that make me think and fascinate me. It is much better than the drab, mundane conversations that happen so easily.

Sometimes I wonder why people are so superficial. But I know why. Its because either they dont care or they are doing it as a defense mechanism. Once you let people in they have the ability to hurt you. Maybe that is why when a conversation really grabs my attention I take notice. Although I will admit that sometimes I wish I was more superficial. Sometimes I regret saying out loud so much about what goes on in my head, but then I usually think about all the things I dont say and know it balances in the grand scheme. I wish I had an R2D2 swimsuit.

Perhaps You Forgot to Go

Sometimes I think that people always leave. Sometimes I am wrong. People often come and go, passing through our lives and occasionally leaving something as they wander through. But then there are a few people that come and just dont go. Often you can tell early on which ones these are. But sometimes it shocks you.

Today was a reminder of both. I needed voices from the other life today, from before I left. In a sense from people that knew me on a different level. One that wouldnt involve explanation. It would just be picking up wherever things were left and saying all the right things. Out of frustration I had sent a text, because I needed to say I was done and few people would understand where those sentiments could come from. I didnt expect much. A simple understanding was sent back. Then conversation sprinkled the day. You were someone I expected to come and go. There is a slightly convoluted history surrounding our acquaintance and yet you havent left. You somehow have become someone that knows all of the secrets and insights to my being. And amidst that you remain supportive. It has been nearly a year since I came to say goodbye. I miss you. But I smile a bit realizing it has been a year and you are still here.

Entirely opposite was the email I sent. It was to someone I knew would never leave. A best friend that has been there in a time I didnt know I needed a friend, a time when she would offer ice cream or brownies because she didnt know what else to do. There is some form of comfort in being able to talk to someone that recognizes your fear, that has witnessed the past and understands how it affects the present. Who gets how uni can be all consuming as its their life too. And to be counting down the exact same 44 days until a reuniting.

Sometimes I just like to talk to people that know me from before. To people that have wandered into my life and set up camp. I think it is because I already know they will stay and I dont always know who here will stay once I leave. Being a world away is a strain on relationships so I think I extra value the ones that have lasted through that. Today I felt really blessed to have two specific people understand me and know the exact way to listen. A little bit I miss living in Utah.

Unnatural Holding

This cant be normal. It cant be how things are meant to be. I am supposed to be entirely in control. And yet I look in the mirror and somehow see the unnatural holdings. I see the empty confusion in my eyes that you leave everytime I see you. I see the confusion as to how I thought things could work and then watched them fall so miserably apart. And as I see that I wish that I didnt feel it. I wish that I could control that. That I could not look at you and see how you appear to have been so entirely unaffected by the situation while I still feel lost.

And then I relook I look past that. I notice that I tried today. I wanted to leave an impression. There would be no costume today so perhaps it was a real first impression in a sense. In case this was true I wanted it to be a good one. I am captivated. I cant help it. It makes me feel like a school girl. Yet there is something about you that leaves me intrigued. But the other side of the coin says I am not enough to catch this eye and that really I shouldnt hope to. I see the insecurity. I am not used to being intrigued by someone on the right track. It has thrown me off.  And all of it is unnatural because a large part of me really just wants to be your friend because you exude all the things I need in someone here. And then part of me cannot deny that I am attracted. Regardless, it is unnatural and I dont like that feeling that I cannot control things, especially as I dont even know if I am still heartbroken or not.

And if I was to take a third look I would probably notice something worn down trying to be covered. As people age they acknowledge the tol the years have taken on them, it may be like that. Except I am not old. I just feel a bit worn after the past few months. Mostly physically. Health hasnt been my strong point. I wouldnt get a gold star for it, in fact I wouldnt get any stars at all. I would like to have an entire day of not feeling the weight of my inability to be healthy. I think that would be nice. I try and ignore it  mostly. I just go on as if it is natural. As if every other person must feel the exact same way as me. Deep down I know it isnt true. And sometimes post appointments I feel trapped as if its holding me hostage.

I dislike not being entirely in control. I do not like factors outside of my sphere of influence. Ergo as I sit here and realize that even though I am pleased with my hair and my nerdy glasses and my sweater that is supposed to be a hug from my mother, I can see so much more. I can see that people influence me whether I want them to or not. Maybe it is okay to still hurt around someone that has ripped out your heart. And maybe it is okay to once in awhile meet someone that for some reason intrigues you. It doesnt have to mean anything. And maybe it is okay to accept that I literally cant do anything else at this point healthwise and that is how it is. Maybe I need to give up some of my control in order to regain it.

Using a Pilgrim and an Indian to Narrate a Tale

It was like and Indian finding a pilgrim lost in the forest. The pilgrim didnt expect to be saved, and partially didnt know what he was looking for. Yet when the indian came and with a calming reassurance led the pilgrim to safety the pilgrim knew. The indian was what he had been praying for. Answers come in the form of unexpecting humans sometimes.

I dont know you really. I could say I do, but I dont. And that is irrelevant. I feel like I have been desperately searching for a person that would know what to say. It was different in Utah, I had a handful of boys that I knew I could trust and they would have the wisdom and perspective to help me understand situations. Here it isnt the same. That perspective just seems so infrequent. And with my innate thought that "people always leave" it sets me up for a lack of searching for that perspective I crave. And yet somehow it appeared. Perhaps it was the atmosphere. Costumes almost provide a cover that allow you to be more open as you are hiding so much. That may have not been it at all. And it probably doesnt matter. The only thing that really matters is that I felt like a lost pilgrim. In a strange land, confused and lost, just seeking some guidance. And then I heard words that were so familiar. It was like the comfort of white hot chocolate from juice n java on a cold Provo day.

I jump to conclusions. I make things out of nothing. I imagine things happening that never will. But thats okay. I was reminded that I am never alone even when lonely feelings may set up camp next to my organs. And I saw a glimpse of everything I was slowly forgetting.

Invisible Ladders are Hard to Avoid

Superstition says that walking under a ladder is bad luck. This leads to people going around ladders. And it is fine if you dont believe in superstitions to avoid walking under ladders, I mean it is just illogical and unsafe to do so. However, I am beginning to wonder if I am walking under invisible ladders. This would explain why I am going under them, clearly because I cant see them. This thought process arrives after a string of what appears to be bad luck.

Trouble breathing? No problem, you just need to breathe to stay alive. Oh all of the pain is suddenly back? Also not an issue, just go to the chemist and fill a prescription of painkillers with sometimes awful side effects. Thats fine. But then having a spider the size of my hand stalk me into my house and leave me in tears standing on my bed, handing house keys through a window to be rescued is just crossing a line. I dont know why my karma is so bad. I have been trying really hard to be a good person and I have honestly been so busy lately I wouldnt have had time to cause trouble. So this is all so perplexing. Therefore, I must just keep walking under invisible ladders. I need to learn a spell so I can see what is hidden in invisibility.

And Everyone Must Breathe Until Their Dying Breath

It may seem morbid, but I think it is just factual. If you arent breathing you are not living. Perhaps this is why centres around breath, it focuses on finding your breath and letting it be your guide for each movement, letting it connect your mind and body to become one. And even though this week I spend a lot of time doing yoga, well it just isnt where this train of thought is going. So back to breathing, it seems kinda important. And sometimes I forget that. I just go around breathing all day and dont even think about it. That was not this week.

It is hard to explain to someone who hasnt experienced it, but when you cant take a deep breath or when you start coughing so much it aches and each breath is a struggle you become acutely aware of breathing. It is one of those things that makes you alert no matter how tired you are. And sometimes it scares me. I hate feeling like every ounce of energy is put into just getting that next breath or trying to stop coughing. So even though I was working and teaching extra this week and was feeling overwhelmed with exams I found myself staring at the clock in a waiting room. Watching the seconds pass wondering why I couldnt seem to fix this myself. I know how to manage my asthma, I am so careful to remember to take an inhaler each morning to keep it at bay and when I noticed my breathing was becoming laboured I increased the dosage and took a rescue inhaler when needed. I was so on top of it and yet for some reason I just couldnt do it alone. I needed more serious medication to some how take control and set me back on track. It seemed frustrating. The timing was poor, and I just wanted to get things done not be up at night coughing or wondering why these steroids that provide breath also come with a plethera of side effects.

But as I am climbing back down that fence that had me wondering if I would end up seeking a more emergent solution I realize that is life. Sometimes we cant do things alone. And bad things happen to good people, and often at bad times. I guess sometimes I need a reminder that I am not a mountain, that I cant withstand everything all alone without protection and help. Life gets overwhelming and without reaching outside a comfort zone or seeking help it can get so discouraging.

It sucks coughing and not being able to take deep breaths but not breathing would suck more. And this too shall pass. So instead of continually wondering why things keep happening that seem unfair or inconvenient I am just going to take the breaths I can and move on. You cant control everything. Sometimes you just have to let go. And I will keep breathing until my dying breath.

"Do You Know Sugar Is Like Baby Meth?"

I like Community. It is one of those shows that just makes me laugh. I also like the album Community Group. Jonathan is a talented man. However, for once I am not taking some simple word and complicating it, tonight I am taking these random things and bringing them back to their origin. Community.

Tonight I felt like I was part of one. It was a feeling I liked but didnt know beforehand. I was running and saw an older man walking with his wife, he smiled and waved, he comes to my yoga class sometimes. It was nice to see him out. And I recently friended some neighbours and there is just something that makes me feel at home when I know I can bake something and take it to the neighbours. And then there is the fact that at the gym this week I ran into someone that comes into work. Or maybe its because a girl from yoga works with a friend of mine from uni. There are many options here.

It just seems like I finally am at a point where I am established in who I am and where I am and I am settled enough to have random sightings and to belong. I didnt ever consider this being a place of residence. Places have always just been temporary in my mind. A mean time. Not really anything more than that. I am making this my home though. I am making it mine and being part of a community. And that just makes being so far from home seem not so far.

Also meth is bad.

Trains Wreck

Sometimes trains crash. And its not something preventable, at least not from your end. And maybe that is just part of life. Maybe we have to fail sometimes to realize that we can pick ourselves up and grow. Maybe we would just be super weak and mundane if we didnt experience failure.

I feel like a train wreck lately. Like everything is falling out of control and consequently I let the the things I could control fall apart too. I am not sure I know how to get out of this rut and avoid disaster. But I am trying. And I just hope that I will be able to try hard enough to come out a step ahead of the train that feels like it is waiting to run me down.

So I think I will make cupcakes to make me smile and then study some more. I dont want to be that train wreck so its time to intervene for myself.

A Rough Copy

I still question if you actually liked it. If it meant anything. Or if it was just an attempt at a present that went awry. I feel full of apprehension and distrust perhaps, even though it is knowingly misplaced. I just feel a massive sense of unsureity, as if nothing can be trusted. Its like seeing a van near a park and instantly thinking it must be full of lollies and trying to capture children. It likely isnt but your mind goes to all the wrong places. Thats how I feel. Like I cant stop my mind from thinking the worst.

I am not sure when it reverted. When my thinking went back to the fact that people always leave. Perhaps it is because thats what I did therefore proving my thought. I left. I walked away from everything I knew and so why wouldnt I expect others to?

I want to believe that the words and the sentiment behind a delayed present meant something but somehow the finality of it all and the attempt to bridge just brings an awkward ache. A literal pain through the nervous system always leaving the most pain through the left hand. Its inexplicable. Its real. It reminds me that I dont like being alone. That I am alone. Alone in the sense that there is a void, a space of lonlieness that I almost consciously refuse to fill because I feel like you should fill it. Maybe its some form of denial. Some way of wishing it wasnt this way. My own words seem to be of no comfort. I just want to wake up tomorrow and realize its a new day, a better day.

Today felt like it raped and pillaged me. I didnt like it.

A Stuffed Hippo

I have a stuffed hippo. It is a treasure, a keepsake, something to remind me of a life. Life happens and with that some things we choose to suppress, this may be because it was embarrassing, emotional or painful. Regardless, we do not actively try to remember some things, we may even actively try and forget. It was not that I was trying to forget, I just wasnt actively remembering I suppose. 

So when I realized a lecture today was on palliative care in pediatrics my heart sunk a little. Children dying is sad. And talking about sick children that arent going to have a long life hits home. It reaches that spot of my heart that I dont delve into. The one that remembers a funeral right after Christmas. 

Two years after, I was home at Christmas and there was so much snow and I couldnt find her headstone. I just kept trying to push the feet of snow away, to try and clear as much as I could to find it. It had baby blocks on it. I just somehow wanted her to know I didnt forget, that I missed her, that in her short life she had blessed so many people. That even though I may not have biologically been her sister she still meant the world to me and I couldnt have loved her more. That I hated leaving the hospital and would have held her every second she was alive if I could have.

It's interesting how one thing can trigger so much. The thoughts, the aching, the memories, the longing all can come back in an instant. Its not like its debilitating or overwhelming, it just is an above subtle reminder that life is precious. That some people arent here for the expected 87 years. That sometimes children die and that all you have left are memories and a stuffed hippo. And that somehow even tiny lives can touch you for a lifetime. And somehow even though I tear up remembering how beautiful she was and the way you knew she loved you it warms my heart knowing that when she left she knew that she wasnt alone.

Sometimes all you have is a momento to remind you of the past and sometimes all you need is to hear a song or a phrase to feel the longing for something lost, and maybe that hurts, but maybe its okay to hurt because it means that something special happened before that hurt.

Butter Chicken

You probably think this post is about food. Its not. It says butter chicken in the cement sidewalk near my house and I pass it everyday. Today two guys saw it and were rather excited about it, it made me smile. And I am glad it did, because today wasnt that great of a day. I barely slept and not surprisingly woke up to an email, it happens every night before I get one, and I got nailed by an exam I thought I slayed. Today wasnt a very good day. But today is Thanksgiving. So I am going to man up and write some things that I am thankful for.

• That it says Unicorn on the dart board on TV when I watch Darts randomly
• That when you trace your hand it can look like a turkey
• That I ran 5 km tonight
• That I like my hair finally and growing it out isnt so painful
• That I actually feel like this is home
• That I can just hop on a train to work and that the last part of the train ride goes past heaps of graffiti
• That I can see anything scrubs related and feel happy
• That I have a family that really loves me
• That I have people here who care about me and worry when I am upset
• That music can make anything feel at least a bit better
• That I got a really good chocolate bar for 50 cents a few days ago
• That I have a library card

That is just a few things. But I think sometimes when days feel like they suck and all you want to do is cry a little bit it helps to remember all of the good things, sometimes they go unnoticed. Today may have not been my favourite day but it could have been worse. And reality is I still have 2 hours to make this day a bit better than it may have  been.

Always the Foreigner

Someone told me that me going home was an issue in a relationship. I didnt even realize that. It wasnt to me. But it got me thinking. A lot.

I first left home when I was 18. The next few years of relationships consisted of me being extremely vocal about the fact that I was from Canada. No I was not American. Although everyone knew, my accent gave me away everytime. (Now I cant even tell that I sound different than Aussies.. how much has changed..) And then when a guy would mention the future I would promptly inform him that I would be living in Canada so if that was not his plan than clearly our relationship wouldnt work. I mean why would I live in the States? Who did they think I was? And somehow I found some guys that were okay with that. How unfortunate. Really I just was immature and selfish.

Somehow years passed and I realized that I do love my homeland but I also love love. I love that feeling where you would do anything for someone because they matter that much. So somehow I find myself the foreigner again, as usual. I live somewhere so far from home. And at first I thought okay 2 years and I am gone. I will do my time, get the piece of paper qualifying me for a career than hop a plane and hit up my homeland. Yet as I sit here, single, I realize that I would stay for love. Actually, thats not what I mean, I mean I dont care where I live as long as it is me sharing my life with someone that I love and that loves me back. The place doesnt really matter compared to the people.

So as I go about being the foreigner for more at least 13 months I realize thats fine. I dont have to sound the same as everyone. This is my home. At least for now. And I want it to feel like home. So instead of me thinking in terms of how long til I leave I want to embrace this more, to make my room everything I want in a room, instead of it being decent for the time being. I want to have a schedule that mirrors what I want in life. I want to be the best person I can be instead of always thinking "I will do that when I am established." This may be my home for a long time, or maybe not. But I want it to feel like home.

And you were wrong. Me not being from here doesnt matter.

We All Have Our Things

Sometimes I get really caught up in things in my life. I mean those are the things I see. And then I get tunnel vision. I only see those things. Perhaps its because I dont feel like I have time enough to deal with my things so I just dont seek other peoples things. Thats been the state of my mind lately. I have gotten caught up trying to get over a break up, trying to think about the future and working and uni and not failing at any those things that pile up. And I forget that we all have our things. Thats probably why I keep listening to this song. It reminds me that I dont have to feel the weight of the world and that we all really do have our own things, and thats okay.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mrP9SrMJ00c&ob=av2e

"Do you feel
The weight of the world singing sorrow
Or to you is it just not real
Cause you got your own things
Yeah we all have our things I guess

I guess my mind wanders off
from time to time
Sometimes I convince myself
that all this fight in the world
It's not mine
Why should I
have to try
to fix things I didn't create or contrive"


-Do You Feel, The Rocket Summer.

Steve Jobs Dying Overshadowed Your Day

I like days that celebrate the day that someone was born. I like them best when I am not the one in the light. So when I woke up today knowing it would be passionfruit cheesecake for breakfast from a recipe that literally said "Nothing says I love you like passionfruit cheesecake. Tempt your loved one with this mouth-watering dessert" I thought well, this will be a different day. I knew it wouldnt exactly be the day in my head. That day wasnt real. But I knew it would be some kind of wonderful.

I like cake for breakfast. I like writing notes. I like seeing someone smile because for one day so many people remember them. But then Steve Jobs died and that was sad. I just wonder if my future I-things will be as awesome. They may be, but I still feel like I miss Steve Jobs. He was an inspiration that is for sure.

But back to a day of birth celebration. It felt like I should have celebrated you more. I wanted to spend basically every second trying to make your day perfect, but at some point I had to realize that it wasnt my job. That I cant pretend to be the girl I am not. That I have to learn to be a best friend and that maybe I filled that role with cake and starbursts and a publication on its way.

I liked this day better when it was in my head three weeks ago. However, the point is, you deserved the best day. And I am sorry Steve Jobs died, especially today. And I feel blessed that somehow 9 months ago we became really good friends and that I can tell you every secret. I admire you in ways that I probably dont have words for. I hope this day was perfect for you. And I hope that every morning when you wake up you realize that someone loves you and that you are excessively amazing. Happy day of birth celebration day.

Love always.

Gavin Degraw Sings What I Think

Dreams, that's where I have to go
To see your beautiful - face anymore
I stare at a picture of you, and listen to the radio
Hope, hope there's a conversation
Where we both admit we had it good
But until then it's alienation, I know
That much is understood - and I realize

[Chorus]
If you ask me how I'm doing
I would say I'm doing just fine
I would lie and say that you're not on my mind
But I go out and I sit down at a table set for two
And finally I'm forced to face the truth,
No matter what I say I'm - not over you (not over you)

Damn, damn girl you do it well
And I thought you were innocent
Took this heart and put it through hell
But still you're magnificent
I'm a boomerang, doesn't matter how you throw me
I turn around and I'm back in the game
Even better than the old me
But I'm not even close without you

[Chorus]

And if I had the chance to renew
You know there isn't a thing I wouldn't do
I could get back on the right track
But only if you'd be convinced
So until then...

An Energy Efficient Robot

I havent wrote on here much lately. It feels tainted in a sense. So I have taken my writing elsewhere for the week. Which has been nice. But I miss the sanctity that was my blog. Perhaps that feeling will return soon.

Regardless, as I set up for some quiet reading before bed I realized a flaw. My record player is across the room and the tiles are cold. Ergo I dont want to get up every twenty minutes to turn a record over or switch it. However, I prefer the sound from the vinyls than I do from my laptop. So I felt like this was an issue. I however came up with a grand solution. I need an energy efficient robot. Said robot could turn and switch records, get my more water when my cup is empty and could bring me snacks if necessary. This is a grand idea. Also my robot would go into sleep mode when not being used that way it would be best for the environment and not creepy when I sleep.

I wish I had a robot. I also wish I didnt say mean things when I am avoiding dealing with emotions and putting up walls. I also have an old wish returning, I wish a unicorn was dancing on your head.

When You Wake What Is It That You Think of Most

Its two am. I should be asleep. I have spent hours doing nothing important. Just cutting up magazines in a thought to decorate a wall. I spent most seconds of the day trying to stay overly occupied. It worked. Til I was walking home from the train. Somehow in those few short minutes I felt like I was suffocating, like I couldnt breathe without you in my life. I dont know whats happening to me. I used to be so cold, emotions were so easy to just shut off. Breakups were tender but never traumatizing. And yet for some reason I cant imagine life without you in it. Perhaps that means just as best friends. I can accept that. I just hate that we are in a phase of nothing because we have to heal and be sad. I am sad. And sometimes I get chest pain because I am so sad and feel so lonely without you in my life. Even Rilo Kiley didnt make this break up feel okay. However, I will brave face it again tomorrow and I will hopefully finish your birthday present because in some way that is bigger than us.

-You.

Suffocation of the Heart

I thought I would write something tragic. It would be a tale about two misguided lovers who fell brutally and entirely in love and yet somehow couldnt reconcile their differences. The breakup would be like a divorce in some ways. It would be a heart wrenching tale. One that would evoke all the wrong emotions.

And yet I feel too lost to narrate such a tale. The feeling literally was as if my heart was suffocating. In fact it still feels that way. It feels like something inside of me has died. And in that moment when I felt alone I called at just past 4 am your time because no one wants to be without a mother when their heart is shattered. And suddenly the tears and convulsion were so overwhelming breath couldnt be caught and vomiting to breathe seemed like the only solution. It was confusing and painful and I just wanted the suffocation to stop.  In a way it did with words of comfort and the fact that a best friend was literally dropped on my doorstep like a present from the one person I was aching for.

It would be easy to write that I am angry or hurt if he wasnt such a gentleman, if he wasnt so incredibly everything I love. I can only sit here and write that the loss of love  and its agony came from the fact that it was the losing of not only a love but of a best friend. Of the only person here that had heard every word and secret I had spared the rest of the ears from. The person that I had literally poured my soul too. So when the door shut it was a feeling of bleakness and aloneness that no other ending relationship has left me with. Perhaps this is why I know we will recover. Because you are truly my best friend here.

You may read this. In a way I hope you do but then I dont when I realize you will be reminded of the image you want to forget. For once I can write that I fell entirely in love and gave it a shot. That I cant look back and wish something was different and that I realize we both had to let this end. I can write that I still love you and that it felt like I couldnt breathe the moment you werent in my life. And I can write that I know I was wrong when I told you it was just like no one man could ever stay forever, that wasnt a fair category for you. I shouldnt have been so inwardly cutting. I wish you could just come back and we could cry together but that would just create more suffocation.

I cant wait for the day we are best friends again. Or even the day when we are friends without hiding complete sorrow. I hope its friday. Then we can go to the beach with our black friend. I love you and regret nothing.

Ships Sink

It was the first two words I thought in a moment of crisis. And then I tried to figure out what I would do if a ship was sinking with me on it. You see the comparison to being caught in a situation that may fail. So there I was. And at first I thought "well of course I will jump and swim to shore, why stay on a sinking ship? I could clearly save myself." Then I instantly thought, "If Billy Joel is playing Piano Man on the ship than I may have to stay and just go down with him because that would be the best way to stick it out and go down."

Even in my imagination I cant decide what to do when ships sink. Although I am rather happy that if I am on a sinking ship that Billy Joel will be playing for me. I suppose that is a plus to my mental turmoil. Piano Man really does evoke the best. I wonder if this ship is sunk or if its all just some crazy waves like that one time I was on a cruise and their was a tsunami and there were a lot of waves. I just dont know.

Firewater

"You sat me down beside myself. To show me all the reasons I was wrong for you. Was this for real its hard to tell. Cause it was such a beautiful mess we had got into. I'm going to overcome this, paper hearts wont win this time."

I would write something from my own mind. But I just probably wont. Its not been one of those days. Its been a day where I feel like I am drowning in a firewater lake. So why use my own words when someone already wrote about that. Perhaps it will change. Perhaps it wont. But suddenly it feels out of my control.

"I was never good at goodbye."

Mars, Venus or Uranus

When I went to my piano teachers house in middle school I would have to wait for my sister as we had back to back lessons. In the living room I always sat in I remember there being a game or maybe a book called Men are from Mars, Women are From Venus. I didnt give it much thought.

Today I was realizing how blatantly different boys and girls think. It caught  me off guard. Reality is it shocked me and a few hours later I still feel confused perhaps. Or maybe just insecure. The thing is that I save every note and card anyone gives me. I treasure them and place them in my journal or my note box where I reread them. So to hear that each note I write just goes straight to the receptacle bin was a shocker. To realize that we respond differently always seems illogical. In my mind everyone would the same in generic situations. To me its like any romantic date should make someone feel elated and get butterflies and feel in love. And everyone should want to leave little notes for people they like. And teasing should never be related to something sensitive. And people should want to always remind others they love them and know its not implied.

You see in my mind its Uranaus. Because in grade 2 we studied the planets and I drew Uranus because I liked the bluey green colour of it. So that is my favourite planet. And on that planet boys and girls understand each other. And on that planet I am not sensitive and insecure.

Sometimes I realize I just dont understand boys and that just leaves me insecure. I wish I was tougher and lived on Uranus.

c f & e m

This is what my mind is thinking like. Its just letters. And sometimes one letter means several words, yet there isnt confusion. I just look the letters and read it like I would read any sentence. I am not sure if this indicates I am going insane or if I just magically understand my own notes. Today was a perfect beach day, so perfect my housemate went to it in fact. And yet I worked and then went to the library. A place that was dead. It really was a dreary lonely place that was sucking the life out of me like death eaters do. I dont think I like pre exam days. They feel stressful and dreary. However, I have been quite pleased with my musical choices that have resouled me to counteract the library. Six more days and a week of freedom. I can survive. Although it is making me very dull.

cervical flexor and extensor muscles

Feelings Beyond Vague F-Ship

Ships come and go with the tide. F-ships are the same. They dont all come to harbour and stay. Some leave but always come back and others leave never to be heard of again. And some you see in passing, and thats all you need. You dont feel a compulsion to stop or to reroute to join their journey. You just enjoy the friendly passings on. These are the feelings I classify as vauge, the ones that dont need to surpass the threshold into real f-shipping.

Perhaps its bad to admit it, perhaps it makes me seem shallow or like relationships are insignificant. I dont think that at all. Its quite contrary. I just tend to take a ship and grasp it so tightly or place it in a glass bottle to be treasured forever or I let it sail on. Some of the ships that have passed I miss, and wish I had flagged them down. And sometimes I realize it was for the best and that our ships would never be on the same route. So I embrace the vagueness. The calm, subtle moments of hellos. And I let them just be that. There is no reason to make them larger or to think longer.

And then I think about the ones that are one the shelf, preserved so preciously. And I am grateful for them. Perhaps they arent really boats in glass bottles but they are there. They are represented in a childs shoe, or a photo, or a drawing, or a record or a scrapbook or a gift. They have found their spot on my journey and I cherish them. My f-shipping skills have been lacking lately. I apologize. I will try and reroute my ship away from the dark abyss it may have been journeying towards.

One Decade is Ten Years

I still remember that morning. I was in middle school. I had to go to the dentist before school. I  hated the dentist. But drama class was first so I was excited for that. Mum picked me up and on the way to the school, it was a very short drive, she told me what was happening because she didnt want me to hear it first at school. I thought the world was ending. I remember sitting in classes watching it on TV and then at lunch going to the little hill behind the field and sitting with my friends talking about it all. It seemed surreal. It was incomprehensible. The world felt unsafe. I was confused and scared. I didnt know what would happen next. I remember my mum carefully putting all the newspaper articles about it each day into a box by the armchair in the corner. She said it was something we would need to remember. And that the world would never be the same. I didnt know anyone in the towers or on the planes. I had never been to New York. All I knew how to do at that young age was to hold a bake sale.

Ten years have passed. Ten years and sometimes it feels like the remnants are most noticeable with American airport security. Things have changed. The war on terrorism seems never ending. People are less trustworthy. Fighting is more prevalent. But in ten years the Americans have in so many ways come together and bonded over a tragedy that is incomparable in todays first world countries. Yet it has opened my eyes. It is a tragedy still. So many lives were lost. However, prior to that day I never realized how  unfortunate people are that are born into war torn countries. I cant imagine living in constant fear listening to bombs overhead or walking through landmine infested areas on a regular basis. I cant imagine living under a communist regime or any form of dictatorship.

In a decade I have grown up. I have learned that the world can be a bad place. That bad things happen to good people for no reason. And that when bad things happen the good people fight back. That others choices hurt us but they dont have to ruin us. That rebuilding is hard but possible. And that you dont have to go through such things alone.

I want to go to New York and see the monument. I want to be able to picture the beauty and sanctity of it instead of just seeing the images of the planes  hitting the towers when I think of the tragedy. Some days come and go with nothing to write home about. And some days change the world. Those days can be hard. I like the quiet days better. Lest we not forget.