The Might Have Beens and What Ifs

"Of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these: 'it might have been!'"

I dont know who initially said it. It wasnt me. But It reminds me of a scrubs quote 

"In the end it's the what if's that hurt the most."

I am not sure there is a specific reason for it but I kinda have been thinking about this concept. Maybe it is because the past is never as far past as we sometimes hope or maybe because the future feels all too close. But somehow things are always changing and I get a bit scared that I will get caught in the winds of change and miss my moment. And by moment I dont mean 15 minutes of fame, I could happily avoid that, I just mean more the moment where I make a vital decision or cross the right path. It isnt like I am completely just lackadaisical I just suppose I havent had to make a lot of decisions that it seems like everyone else is. I just have lived in my own little world for so long, especially the last two years, it almost seemed like nothing else existed. I chose for my life to be basically uni and work to try and shelter myself from reality and in that I realize how much time I have let pass without making a mark. And I suppose it makes me wonder if because of that I have what ifs. But maybe the point of it is to realize that and to  make a change, to stop wondering and to do something about it. That is not my strong point. I am much better at writing then I am about changing. But it is time, I dont want to look back and wonder what all I missed out on just because I was too shy or too stressed about school or paying for it or something else that is irrelevant in the big picture. I think I need to just step out a bit and see what exists beyond the four walls I created for myself.

Your Religion Made Me Realize Everything I Believe

I dont usually post about religion. Not because I feel it is a taboo subject like politics, and politics is really a subject I do believe is taboo because it shocks me how heated people get about it and most of the time they are super ignorant yet opinionated and it makes me uncomfortable. I just dont usually write about it because it is the most important thing to me. It is easier for me to handle people rejecting me than my beliefs I suppose. It isnt like a secret, it is just sacred. So I usually shy away from writing as to not create some form of discord with whatever humans find this place. But I think today I just will break from that.

I have thought a lot about religion the last couple of weeks and part of it is because I met a Muslim. I had previously only ever known one other Muslim and she wasnt practicing so I was fascinated. It immediately spiralled into me trying to learn as much about Islam as I could just so I could be at least a tiny bit knowledgeable and not so ignorant. And this all led to me looking at my own beliefs and what mattered to me. Sometimes I try and trick myself into thinking that I could be happy with someone that didnt believe the same as me. I think I was wrong though. It makes me feel all warm inside knowing that people kneel and pray to other deities, but that is because I know at the end of the day we are all looking for that same comfort and believing there is something else there. I love that diversity. It intrigues me. But I think I realized that when I close my eyes and imagine my future I see myself with a husband and little children kneeling at a bed praying to God. I want to be able to raise a family with the same values I have. I want their faith anchored in Christ the way mine is. And I want them to experience the pure joy that I feel.

I think know I would be lost without my faith. As I was teaching a class today I realized so much of that. I was relating story after story about my life because the room was too quiet and it just reminded me of how much I can relate anything back to my beliefs. And I have realized the reason that things have turned around and that I am so happy is directly proportionate to my beliefs and the choices I have been making. I found the comfort I needed in Christ. And I suppose today I just wanted to clarify that. I wish I knew the proper way to express to everyone how grateful I am for my faith because I cant imagine life without it. I think when I meet the right person they will understand that.

Someday You Will Be Loved

I used to think this song was sad. As if it was a boy singing to a girl as he left her. Or perhaps as if it was a note left on a nightstand as he slipped away into the night. It exuded a sense of loss and sadness I suppose. And I liked that. I liked the sad imagery for some reason. But it isnt like that anymore. It is better. Somehow it sings of hope tonight. It is a boy leaving a girl because she deserves better and he knows that. It is his recognition that he cant give her the love she deserves and so he leaves her, knowing it will hurt but that one day she will forget him and be better off.

I am that girl that when things with a boy fall apart I generally spiral onto a path that is far too familiar to the days when I was depressed. I usually eat excessive amounts of chocolate, cry in the shower, listen to sad songs and buy myself things. But somehow that isnt who I am anymore. There is still an untouched container of ice cream in the freezer, nothing has been purchased and the music is as random as any other day, and tears are as nonexistant as they should be.

It is like a light has literally went on within. One that just finds hope in everything and is actually believing the words that are usually said. Instead of just saying things are okay and its for the best I actually feel that way about everything lately. It just seems like whatever life is throwing at me I am ready for. This is new. This isnt how things usually go. I think I just have realized that my self worth isnt resting on anyone else. Or anything to be purchased. I have been so unproductive in things I couldnt change previously and now I feel so mature in a sense as I actually am just stoked about my life.

"The memories of me will seem more like bad dreams. Just a series of blurs like I never occurred. Someday you will be loved." Those were the words you couldnt find but should have said. Someday I will be loved.

It's Not As If New York City Burned Down To The Ground

I know I shouldnt write in the moment due to the fact that emotions run high and that I may say something I regret. However in a sense it is the most honest of all my writing. So here I am. Tears streaming down my face, music up too loud, and feeling like I have literally had my heart ripped out. And for once it wasnt my fault. I just dont get it. I dont understand. It doesnt make sense that someone can tell me I have done all the right things and yet it isnt going to work. I didnt even get a real chance. It was a week of long distance. One week. And I tried so freaking hard. Harder than I ever have in any relationship. And what did it get me? A text that says oh hey sorry this isnt easy I am out. Great. Just my luck. Silence at the other end of the phone isnt an answer. I wish I could say I understand, and that I am not angry. But I am angry. Angry because we talked about this. This wasnt supposed to be the hard part and you said you were ready. I just dont understand how I could be so entirely wrong again. But for once I am not going to let a boy ruin all the good things I have going on. I am going to compose myself and go have dinner with a nice boy and try to let it go.

I Tried Not To Throw Stones

"But I wanted to come inside."

It all seems surreal. The fact that for once I am in charge of my own life. I suppose I have spent so long just going along that I never realized it was time to step up. I just kinda fell in line. I knew what was expected and thats what I provided. I did well at school, I practiced the piano (often the bare minimum), and I fulfilled my work and family obligations. But I think today I realized that this is my life and I am going to take my own path and I dont think that is what everyone wants. I miss home. I miss the mountains and the snow and bingo. But I am not ready to commit to going back. I am not saying this place is my new home. But it has given me a lot of freedom and life experience and I think I am getting used to that. And I think I want to try and make a name for myself alone. I dont want to go back to expectations or to the health service I know too well. I want to get work experience and have to start from scratch. I want to go through the growing pains of growing up. And I dont know if I will get that if I leave at the end of the year.

And maybe there is a tiny part of me that just wonders if there is a boy that has a bit of my heart. Perhaps it is because I think I am actually ready for love and dont really want to just let myself get up and move like I have every other time I have met someone special. Maybe this is what growing up is. All I know really is that today I had a chance to go to yoga and then sit along the river reading a book and with all of my reflection time I wished someone else was there seeing how far I had come along. I would have thrown stones at your window if it was closer.

Believe You Me, You Are Not Alone

I wish I realized this sooner. We are never as alone as we think. Yet we cant seem to comprehend that when we need to most. Tonight as I told someone very dear about my newfound sense of self worth and happiness I commented on what a long sad road it had taken to get to this point. He wisely responded that it was a long sad road for those close to me watching me struggle.

I never really saw it that way. I never realized that my pain and sadness was so exuded in his life. It gave me even more respect for the fact that amidst it all, and reality is he has been at my lowest lows, that he never walked away. It would go to his head far too much but I think he was a key part in me never completely fading away. He was one of the few people that no matter what I said or did was there. I was never alone. And when possible I think he tried to remind me of that, I just didnt see it.

And now that I feel like I have come out the other end and recognized that I am worth loving I just want to be that someone for someone else. I realized as we talked that I was so unaware of how sad and lonely I was and how much I let life batter me as I watched feeling defenseless when in reality I had the world behind  me. I know that there will be days when my heart will be broken because I give it to the wrong boys. And there will be days when my hair makes me mental and I want to just chop it all off again in anger. And there will be days when I am sad because life is hard. But I truly am hoping that this is a fork in the road that I wont have to come back to. I dont think I knew what happiness was before. I always counted on external things. Things I couldnt control. I expected family and boys and shopping and chocolate and accomplishments to tell me that I was worth something. And I never thought to look inward and to become something in and of myself.

I dont know if there is a point to this post. I just know that I realized tonight that I have based so much on other people and been let down and let that break me. But I dont want to be that person and I dont think I am anymore. I am a girl that has become who she wants to be. I have come to terms with my past and my mistakes and my accomplishments and my beliefs and all the things that make me who I am. And I love who that person is. And I know I wouldnt be sitting here feeling so freaking happy inside if I was alone. But I never was alone. I just didnt realize it. So I hope that maybe one day one person will see this and realize that they are not alone. The no matter how bleek the day feels there is someone that is breaking for you because they care so much. And that person may be me. Or maybe it is someone else.

But believe you me, you are not alone.

They Paved Paradise and Put Up A Parking Lot

It sounds dramatic and I know that but that is not even going to remotely stop the words that I intend to write. I just cant get over how much I feel paved over compared to before. So let me paint the scene.

I found out in December what my placements were. I was in fact shopping with one of my best friends who was visiting from Uhmerica and we were buying underwear. I got an email and was like "OHMYGOSHMYFUTUREISCOMINGTOPASS" something like that at least. So there I was. I quickly read them and one was Hervey Bay. I was initially excited. It was better than a lot of rural options. I soon found out most of my foreign friends didnt have any rural placements. Then I was bummed. Why should I have to be the one moving away for 5 weeks? I mean I dont have my parents or centre link paying my way. I just have my own massive loan. So I found myself super frustrated that I had to be in the boat of extra expenses while others were just laying on the beach so to speak.

So time went on and the closer it got the more anxious I felt about it. I was finally settling into life and work and friends were going along better than ever yet here I was about to quit work and leave the little I knew behind. Then somehow it became one of the best things to ever happen. The hospital was everything I could hope for as a student because it was basically a "go for it, and we will stop you if you suck" kinda thing. The second day the other student and I cumulatively  saw ten patients. And it just got better. We worked with all the allied health team members, the doctors and the nurses. It really was an amazing five weeks, and that is completely seperate from the fact that I met someone pretty rad.

Then I came back. What I thought I wanted. And after two days I can only think that this is what death by internal suffocation is like. We literally spent an hour today talking about how to wash hands, put on gowns and gloves. I am dying. My skills and abilities are being crushed. I havent even come within a metre of a patient let alone do anything of any importance. This place is crushing my soul and making me spend my time thinking of rusty spoons like creepy salad fingers. If something doesnt change soon I may end up like a paradise turned parking lot. Or just really weird and creepy like salad fingers. I dont even know.

And If You'd 'A Took To Me Like A Gull Takes To The Wind

The words and tune float along as if they have chosen to be the soundtrack of my wandering thoughts. Thoughts that cant seem to stop long enough to finish a full thought or even create real sentences. There is so much neurosis going on that cant seem to be tamed. Perhaps it is a culmination of so many new chapters beginning but ones that I can see how many pages they are and that they result in sequels, ones that havent been wrote and I have too many ideas to even know what direction to go in.

I know that if this was someone else telling me this was how they felt I would give eloquent words saying things like you will know when it's right, the right things fall into place when they should. And keep working and praying and you will know. But those things are so easy to say and so hard to follow. How much faith do I need to take the next step? How do I know if this is it or if this was a layover? Maybe this was just a step and I need to hit the books and go further. Or maybe all of this wouldnt be questioned if I just knew what the next few months hold.

But somehow between starting writing this and coming back to it I feel like someone has come and replaced my brain with one that works much better. It doesnt matter what the next page holds. At least not today because I am not there yet. And I am on the path reading the preceding words. Maybe I am meant to falter a bit and get hurt because I need to learn a lesson or maybe I am meant to fall in love or maybe I am meant to just get a job here or maybe I am meant to move to a new place or maybe I should go back and do more school. But I dont have to know that today.

Today I need to pay rent and tuition and run and do yoga and pray and bake and study and start a grown up resume and to love life. I so often feel like an old woman just trapped in a young looking body. But the truth is I am just a bit young, and I have a whole lot of life ahead of me. And maybe I just need to be young to learn what growing up is like in a normal timely fashion instead of trying to just be grown up and make everything fit now.

I dont think I have ever been less sure of my future. I also dont think I have felt as much peace as I feel right now in a very long time. I think this is what happiness feels like.

So What If You Catch Me, Where Would We Land?

I am not just thinking about this moment. Not like usual. I mean I usually have the next 700 years planned, except when it comes to the third L word. When it comes to that I have less than zero seconds thought ahead. I have lived in a world of defense and walls. One where someone doesnt come before protecting myself. I have loved and lost because of my own naivety and inability to let go and look ahead, because I have been unable to let myself fall enough where I didnt know if I would be caught.

But what if I was finally ready to let go? If I was actually thinking of falling and having no idea what happens next? I am not sure I can handle it. That I can place myself in such a space of vulnerability. But I cant help it. I think I want to just close my eyes and let myself fall. But as much I have these lingering thoughts and want all of this I also am really scared.

I dont want to lose myself trying to find someone else. Or in falling in love. I want to become more myself in that process. So as much as my head is so full of things I cant let out because then I will be classed as crazy I am really trying to not forget me. So I ran 16km tonight. And I only threw up a little bit at the 15th, which in my head is a totally normal thing to do. It may be blamed on those two oreos I ate on Saturday, so worth it. But back to the point. I want to let myself fall. And every single time I listen to this song I think about what could be, and what could happen and that I am so nervous that I care too much. But I think all I can do is try and let go of my intense need to always be in control and let things happen. I need to be less neurotic about it all and just let the zen flow a bit more while ensuring I am being the best version of me. How can I expect the third L word to happen if I lose myself? I think for once I am realizing to be in love you have to really love yourself and put time into that too. So as scared as I am, and knowing that this could be way more in my head than it is in real life, I am really calm because I am becoming everything I always wanted to be and you are the catalyst of it.

Those Awkward Questions

I suppose they arent awkward for most people, just for me. I just dont cope with expressing emotion or explaining myself or discussing anything that could have awkward potential. But for some reason I feel like I should record it. Not because I think I need to defend my choices or explain myself, but because I want to remember why.

I understand that nothing is perfect and that for things to be worth having you have to fight for them. And I am not as blinded as it seems like people think. I am logical still. Not entirely but enough. I get that some things are different and maybe that means they aren't the same but that doesn't mean that there isn't some place for reconciliation. And I also believe that experiences happen to lay foundations. And if you can see a whole lattice work underneath you maybe it is because it has set you up for something really important. And that's exactly where I am looking down from. I can't even begin to make sense of how much was carefully laid down beneath my feet. It ranges from people, to conversations in cars, to courses and places and just a lot of life things that now all seem to have led to where I am now.

And with all of that so visible, as well as the fatal laws of attraction and perhaps the realizations that this isn't the same as everything else I have just chosen to go with what I think and want to work for instead of what others may think. One time someone said the right person comes at the right time and it fits together and you dot have to fight it. And I think that's how falling in love should be so I think maybe I will just let the pieces fall into place and see what happens. Maybe this time it will be real.

Checks That Come In Reality

I don't think it is always wanting what you can't have, although I know I do that most of the time. I think it is just a form of reality check, probably because I have come back to reality. It was the most bittersweet of feelings. I hadn't ever wanted to depart and felt a longing for the space that was mine but somehow that changed a bit and I wasnt ready to leave.

I was more than pleased to carefully choose a record and to curl up in the bed that is so perfectly mine when the time finally allowed, yet I couldn't help but feel something missing. Something had changed. And I think it was me. Suddenly this place just didnt feel as permanent as I had allowed myself to think.

Seeing a few of the people that matter most was amazing, don't let me make it sound as if it wasn't. I didn't even realize how much I missed and need them until I had them back. But it wasn't the same. I felt more secure in myself, and more assured in the life that I am creating. For once I could recognize how grateful I was for the choices I have made and for the path they have brought me on. I saw that I can find my sober place in a world so contrary and that and I just feel like I can be me.  And because I feel like I have figured that out it just seems like this was all a stepping stone. Reality has so much more planned that I didnt see before.

The Jury is Out

It isn't a coincidence that I have read more than several books involving law and juries lately. They however doesn't remotely lessen the blow, or perhaps the anxiety when you suddenly are hit by a train informing you that the jury is out on a decision involving you.

It would be easier if the arguments were clear cut. If the decision was obvious and I knew what the verdict would be. But the fact that there isn't some answer that screams obvious is killing me. Killing me to the point that I can feel real tears tearing me apart inside. I care too much. I became too invested. Sometimes I wonder if the best lawyers are the ones they can dissociate their feelings. But I am not a lawyer, and I can't do that at all. All it seems like I can do is wait. And try not to let the ache and anxiety of it all eat away at everything I feel I have.

Who knew that after six days I would find myself having discussions that were so much longer term and ones that actually had reason as the future may persuade the present. I can't help it but to want another chance at a closing argument, one that doesn't involve my sad eyes and a door. One that has me reaching out and saying "take my hand, I am all in".

Who knew that the similarities between Muslims and Mormons would actually send a fictitious jury out to contemplate a future, or actually two. Perhaps all I can say is with fingers crossed there will be love.

Ne Me Quitte Pas

I suppose the best descriptor would be that it was like a holiday from reality. It was like I was living in a world where good things happen. Where I was untouchable in a sense. Where I could just be me and the usual things that would get in the way wouldn't here.

I am wary to try and sort all my thoughts out at the recognition that it might be more than I want to admit. Or perhaps due to the minuscule chance the subject will read this and realize how much I actually care.

Exceeds expectations. That wouldn't even come close to explaining it. It was like a continual cycle of being impressed beyond belief. I was so wrong. Not that the first impression was poor, I immediately had found him handsome and soon after to have attractive traits. But it just didn't lead me to place him outside of the pack that I had found recently. There is just something that happens when you realize that you can trust someone and that they are actually in another book but the same page.

Perhaps it was the fact that the values were the same. Or that I saw so many sides of him and every single one just made me laugh and smile and feel like I was living in another world. I wasn't expecting to be blown away, or to see that he was someone I really meshed with. It just seemed like after two days I was in a place that usually takes me months to reach. And now that reality is looming overhead I don't know what to think. I feel apprehensive and a sense of anxiety.

I can't help but to wonder if it all wasn't too perfect to be real. Or maybe things that seem so beautiful just are because they are not lasting, like a flower. They come and share their sense of purpose but then either away.

I think what I want to say is that I realize I am leaving. But it honestly isn't that far. And I actually am a bit smitten and that scares the heck out of me. I don't even know if I should find a way to vocalize I care or if that is implied. All I know is something has to be said before I get in that car Friday. And I really want you to be the one to say it.

Love in the Moment

How embarrassing and awkward. Blogging on my phone is brutal and leads to a shocking amount of errors. Like how my last post was meant to end with "live in the moment" yet it says "love". I was going to correct it but now I wonder if my error has only made it more honest and true. That is my problem. I can exist right now. I can be here and know I am here and take it in. But the moment it comes to loving or carin or emotions I am no longer in that place. I am in the furthest place from it. So maybe I really do need to just learn to love in the moment. To let myself feel. To let things happen. And to not be so controlling and anal that nothing can just happen.

It is a miracle I haven't chopped all my hair off again out of my attempts to take control. It could be worse though right? Maybe I am growing up and learning to let things be.

Triple Treat Brownies

Maybe that is all it takes, or perhaps it is the straw that broke the camels back. But as I sat there, basically in my own world, eating absolutely fantastic gf cookie/brownie things I made a realization. I think I was completely wrong with my first impression of thinking you were arrogant and clueless and such a player. I think you may actually be charming and a gentleman.

I realize it seems like every other second I meet someone and then suddenly realize how amazing they are and am enlightened. But I am okay with that. I like being opened up to new worlds. And I am okay with the fact that I may be smitten with a surgeon and that I can't show my face at the place I work because somehow over night every person has heard gossip about us hanging out and it embarrasses me so much I can't think.

But the point of it all is that I don't care. I don't care I everyone has some opinion. I dot care that I am leaving next week and it makes no sense. I really like my gluten free brownie things and am super psyched that I actually made an impression on someone that in a way I really respect. And perhaps Monday at work I will die of embarrassment or maybe this weekend I will just be smitten and won't care. I don't even know, and I don't really care. I am learning to love in the moment.

Tripping over the same crack in the sidewalk

That is exactly how it feels. Like I keep seeing the crack and then tripping knowing exactly what is about to happen but doing nothing to stop it. It would appear like I continually choose to walk that path knowing I will trip. The illogicality of it all astounds me. But here I am.

I want to say it is because of unavoidable situations. Because I can't help where I am placed. But ya more than that. It should really be blamed on my lack of control over who I did interest in. It just always seems to be the ones that are built to destroy. To not be looking for the kind of girl I am. I wanted to end saying I finally stepped over the crack, deleted a number that would only lead to pain but before I even got the words to paper it seems like I have walked right back down that street only to find a new crack or maybe the same one situational wise. I am probably on my way to tripping over my own two feet right now but for some reason I dont seem to feel the need to outstretch my arms. I suppose only time will tell if I have bruises on my knees.

An Odd Detour Involving Kelly Clarkson

Because of you.


Kelly's style isn't usually my thing. And I really havent heard anything of hers in a longtime. I didn't even know she was still singing til someone told me a song was by her. So my radar and her just don't usually mix. So it feels strange that I just am thinking of a song of hers that is from way back when. Yet that is what is happening today.

How do you, or do you even, tell someone that because of them you are compelled to change course and that they changed you. How do you thank someone for something they don't even know they did? The lack of relationship or perhaps the fact that it is a professional sort of aquaintanceship makes the situation seem different. But all I really know is that because of someone asking a simple few questions I now am picturing a new path that I didn't even see before. Maybe one door doesn't lead to a cliff that leaves you trapped. Maybe a door just leads to a cliff with a bridge that you can cross into a whole new place.

I think I would say because of you I think that I have the courage to step onto a path I thought was too steep for me, thank you. But reality is I may never say anything and I may never actually make it onto that path. Only time will tell.

The Saddest Eyes

There was a time, perhaps there still is however it is just less frequent, where I used to think that if people could only read my eyes. Emotional expression is not a strong point for me so I feel that I hold it all in my eyes. This story isn't about me though.

There is a patient I have been seeing almost since I started here. To make it simple he is a gentleman of slight vintage that fell and as such had a brain bleed. When I first met him he was in a state that I am not sure if you could even call it living. He was breathing but that was largely the extent of it. He occasionally would follow someone with his eyes but was rarely in a state of real consciousness. The first time I worked with him I noticed it in his eyes. It was such sorrow. Perhaps a sorrow I will never understand. Yet in those moments I felt Gods love for him, and loved him as another child of God. His situation and the cause of such didn't matter. All that mattered was that I wanted to be there for him and for him to know he was loved. It has been many many days now and everyday I sre that sorrow. Twice I have wandered in during phone calls and seen the tears and agony. It is always in his eyes. But today he was sitting all on his own. He was replying to my questions and would hold my hand when asked. And when I went to leave he waved. And alhough I still see the sadness I al beginning to see some hope. It feels like the first miracle I have really seen. I wish I could express to him how much I care and that he isn't alone. But as the student constantly with an educator I don't know how, other than to pray for him.

It makes me wonder if all this time other people have seen sadness in my eyes as never known what to say or how to say it and prayed for me. We are never as alone as we think we are.

The Secret Power of Male

I like to exude independence. My ability to handle my own life without large necessity of others. Perhaps that is why I neglect to acknowledge the power of the male species. To mix it up I shall indulge on this tonight.

Lately I have been in a different space, mentally and physically. I have come to a place of quietness. A home that is not mine but is mine for now. The surroundings are full of trees and a lack of reception. The days are full of patients and the nights are full of softness and relaxation I haven't known for ages. Yet somehow all of this solitude and peace causes me to create confusion in myself. Mostly at the cause of males.

Case one. Random male makes me feel inferior for a change in career choice. Not purposefully but because he queries such choice as he had become what I hadn't. How can a few words from a stranger at the time cause so much self doubt?

Case two. Male who I had recently become acquainted with acted like a douche and somehow it felt like they was my fault. What the heck? I was actually normal for once.

There are so many other cases but the point is as independent as I pretend to be I am shockingly aware the impact that a few words or lack of from a male can cause. It is as if they have a power I can't avoid. I think that is why there are gender roles. Males and females compliment each other. They can say the exact things you do or don't want to hear and sometimes it just comes out the more powerful way because they are so dissimilar. It's easier to tune out a voice like your own. Maybe I am less powerful against the male species than I would like to think.