Believe You Me, You Are Not Alone

I wish I realized this sooner. We are never as alone as we think. Yet we cant seem to comprehend that when we need to most. Tonight as I told someone very dear about my newfound sense of self worth and happiness I commented on what a long sad road it had taken to get to this point. He wisely responded that it was a long sad road for those close to me watching me struggle.

I never really saw it that way. I never realized that my pain and sadness was so exuded in his life. It gave me even more respect for the fact that amidst it all, and reality is he has been at my lowest lows, that he never walked away. It would go to his head far too much but I think he was a key part in me never completely fading away. He was one of the few people that no matter what I said or did was there. I was never alone. And when possible I think he tried to remind me of that, I just didnt see it.

And now that I feel like I have come out the other end and recognized that I am worth loving I just want to be that someone for someone else. I realized as we talked that I was so unaware of how sad and lonely I was and how much I let life batter me as I watched feeling defenseless when in reality I had the world behind  me. I know that there will be days when my heart will be broken because I give it to the wrong boys. And there will be days when my hair makes me mental and I want to just chop it all off again in anger. And there will be days when I am sad because life is hard. But I truly am hoping that this is a fork in the road that I wont have to come back to. I dont think I knew what happiness was before. I always counted on external things. Things I couldnt control. I expected family and boys and shopping and chocolate and accomplishments to tell me that I was worth something. And I never thought to look inward and to become something in and of myself.

I dont know if there is a point to this post. I just know that I realized tonight that I have based so much on other people and been let down and let that break me. But I dont want to be that person and I dont think I am anymore. I am a girl that has become who she wants to be. I have come to terms with my past and my mistakes and my accomplishments and my beliefs and all the things that make me who I am. And I love who that person is. And I know I wouldnt be sitting here feeling so freaking happy inside if I was alone. But I never was alone. I just didnt realize it. So I hope that maybe one day one person will see this and realize that they are not alone. The no matter how bleek the day feels there is someone that is breaking for you because they care so much. And that person may be me. Or maybe it is someone else.

But believe you me, you are not alone.