As Rare as Sweating Unicorn Tears

Some things are not common. They do not happen to everyone. They are not bought with petty cash. They are not found in a box or with a fox. And these things are not green eggs and ham.

It is hard to explain. It is more than just selflessness. It is the recognition of need, the willingness to make a difference and to forgo your own pain to try and cure someones else's. I dont even know if it is possible for anyone besides a mother to even exhibit this, and definitely a lot of mothers dont. It was really apparent today and well yesterday too. Stress has been mounting and emotional turmoil is climaxing and the most precious email and reward per-say appeared. And it left me with eyes full of tears and a comforting feeling of love. The aloneness lessened and I immediately saw the selflessness.

I had been like a rock made of sand, crumbling on impact but pretending to be strong, for appearances and to try and lend support. Yet the tables were entirely turned when her support found me weak, unsure and crumbled. I may not ever need to see a unicorn because I have a mother that is just as rare.

The Beginning Begins Again

It is like starting from scratch again. And it is incredibly frustrating. It feels like each step forwards is followed by a natural disaster. Like a boulder falling on your head because of a random rock slide. I know that there is probably some grand lesson I will learn but oddly enough that never seems to solve the now or lessen any pain from said learning experience. So instead of sitting here trying to think of what to learn I am just eating skittles instead. Some things are just out of our control, and well, since I am growing my hair out I cant just cut it like I normally do when I am upset, I am left with eating skittles instead and deciding that this is the last beginning of this chapter.

A Box of Daylight

So in some places they save daylight. Like a whole hour of it. So after I realized that I was not thrilled about this hour of savings of light because it makes it one hour less of each day that is  conducive to phone calls home I got thinking about it. How amazing would it be if we had medium sized jars to save daylight, kind of like fireflies in a sense. Think about it, like say oh you have to be inside working all day, why not save some of that light you wont see anyways during the day and then use it in the evening to go running? It is a good plan. Yet instead of being so clever we just return that hour many months later and then follow the cycle again. It feels a little like a bit of a waste of saving of light knowing we will just release it back into the wild without much thought. I really wish I could save daylight in a jar to keep on my shelf like a night light.

Sandpaper Fingers

The videos all had that same one part. The one where her fingers sounded like sandpaper just scrapping against skin. I imagined nails on the chalkboard in that moment and decided the sandpaper fingers sound may be worse. And then because I was imagining so much I not only missed the point of the educational videos but I also thought with all that sandpapering there should be blood but there wasnt and then I was confused. I am not sure I will be able to sweet tap or facilitate movement now without imagining sandpaper fingers and then frantically checking to make sure my hands are soft and unsandpapery. I would probably learn more if I didnt get lost in tangents of my own imagination so often.

Banana's Are for Monkeys

I was just making a smoothie post run which is a relatively normal type thing to do I am pretty sure. And as the fruit was blending and I was getting my Mickey Mouse Love Smoothie Cup I had this flash of thoughtish things. So for about a year I was vegetarian. I didnt do it because I was all sad for animals or because I was saving the planet from global warming or because I wanted super powers (I did consider going vegan to have vegan powers though..). So I suppose for that period occasionally I found it more difficult to find foods I loved in quick restaurants. Then I went back to white meat. This choice was purely health related and was a good step for me. And then when I found out I needed to cut our gluten I once again found it harder to eat out in a quick fashion. Also I just prefer to cook I think, but that is totally irrelevant.

The point that has taken me ages to get to is that often I think people have weird reasons to stop eating something. I understand not eating something because you think it tastes gross. Or not eating something because it makes you sick. But I dont think I understand completely other reasons. I mean if we just thought that edible things were for specific purposes we might not eat much. That would mean that all the bananas would be for monkeys and I like bananas. So I am wondering if there really is anything to the whole vegetarian/vegan/ovolacto stuff. Maybe there is and I just missed the mark. But maybe all food is just meant to be eaten and that is why we have it. I mean God really thought eveything through when He created everything so I guess that leaves me thinking that yep we should eat the food we are blessed with.

Normal Life Things

Hey Humans.

I just am doing normal life things. You know. Like reading books. And cooking food from recipes. And calling my Mum. And going for walks. And having girl time. Just the things that Humans do. Thats about all. So why is being Human so hard? I often wish I was a robot. Or a ninja. Because both seem unhuman. But then at the end of the day I remember that I like just normal Human things so I shall just continue on the path of humaning. At least until I find a ninja school.

That is all. Dont do drugs.

Love, a fellow Human

May Or May Not

It is like I am watching a movie. It is a movie with exceptional music, really, the soundtrack is stunning. Which is necessary as the actual scenes and pictures are disjointed, the emotion scewed, the plot may not even exist. And this movie finds a way to play whenever my eyes close and I allow myself to think. The thing is, this movie is just disjointed parts of my past throwing together moments and memories and experiences and wondering if I missed something. If something more is there. Or if I am just taking qualities and noticing they check the right boxes and then trying to create a movie ending that results in something more. I dont know. I often wonder how much of my memory is correct and how much I have re-imagined in some new light.

I know that the sidewalk by the duck pond where I sat during probably the hardest moments of my life was real. I know that who I called then was real. I dont know if there was anything more ever though.

I think I am one of those people that has a hard time letting go. Actually I know that. I try and salvage everything. Not in a hoarding way. But in a "I dont want to lose someone" way. If that makes any sense. I dont even know really what is reality in this and what is in my head and what is me wanting something. It is just blurred in a fashion that makes it all seem partially real and partially unattainable. This may or may not be me wondering if I am just holding onto something that wasnt in the past or if it is something that is potential in the future. 

Unwritten Words

I havent filled in a lot of gaps. Probably because I still feel confused and disappointed and overwhelmed and just mostly a lot lost in it all. I imagine things in my head in such a vivid and real way that when reality doesnt meet up to it I feel confused. I think this was part of the demise. Maybe the other part was just plain reality.

So reality is I had a holiday planned. I took the planes. I made it to the location. And then I spent a lot of time being really naseous, and some time vomiting, and a lot of time at doctors appointments and a brief period in surgery (just keyhole not like major organ removing crazy stuff), and then recovering and reading and happily seeing humans I share DNA with. So yep. I thought it was going to be epic. And then it was basically like "hey your health sucks"and I was like "tell me something not obvious" and then it was like "lets cut you open" and I was like "finally" and then it was like "ps you probably cant have gluten" and I was like "that sucks". And then I had to change my food life.

Its been two weeks. I dont even know what is most bothering. Probably that I am still sore enough that I cant lay on my stomach. For some reason that is overwhelmingly frustrating. Maybe because I like to sleep on my stomach, or maybe because thats how I watch TV or read or exist. Or maybe it is just frustrating that I cant really exercise yet and that I will have to work up to it. Or maybe it just is like ugh. Probably because I am just ready for a day when I wake up feeling healthy. That sounds odd. But that may be the only way I can write it.

I havent been writing because of this blah ugh whateverness. The whole adding another random health thing on top of it all when I am an active, healthy lifestyle person just seems like ugh, for real? So I think I just feel like my holiday wasnt a holiday and I needed one. It just was full of a lot of emotion and aching and longing and physical pain and confusion and just a lot of things that I dont cope well with. So with my inability to handle the realm of emotion I just blanked out on words.

Summary complete. Next chapter.

Femur

It is hard to explain. It wasn't a normal goodbye. It was one of the ones that breaks hearts. Over the last two and a half weeks I had fallen in love with them. We had routine. I knew their favourite breakfast foods and how they liked their hair done. They had taught me the names of the my little ponies and words to Disney songs. It was as it should be. I had immediately loved them as if they were mine.

So as we reached the goodbye point the tears fell. You see, they are going to be adopted. And well, I am not in a position to adopt yet and I don't think my mother is. So this goodbye was so real. I may never get to braid their hair, or snuggle up with then while we read books. So all I could was turn to little Soph and tell her to never forget that I loved her and then I said remember what bone this is as I pointed to my quad. She smiled and said femur. If nothing else sticks my darling little four year old will always know where her femur is.