Sometimes I think that people always leave. Sometimes I am wrong. People often come and go, passing through our lives and occasionally leaving something as they wander through. But then there are a few people that come and just dont go. Often you can tell early on which ones these are. But sometimes it shocks you.
Today was a reminder of both. I needed voices from the other life today, from before I left. In a sense from people that knew me on a different level. One that wouldnt involve explanation. It would just be picking up wherever things were left and saying all the right things. Out of frustration I had sent a text, because I needed to say I was done and few people would understand where those sentiments could come from. I didnt expect much. A simple understanding was sent back. Then conversation sprinkled the day. You were someone I expected to come and go. There is a slightly convoluted history surrounding our acquaintance and yet you havent left. You somehow have become someone that knows all of the secrets and insights to my being. And amidst that you remain supportive. It has been nearly a year since I came to say goodbye. I miss you. But I smile a bit realizing it has been a year and you are still here.
Entirely opposite was the email I sent. It was to someone I knew would never leave. A best friend that has been there in a time I didnt know I needed a friend, a time when she would offer ice cream or brownies because she didnt know what else to do. There is some form of comfort in being able to talk to someone that recognizes your fear, that has witnessed the past and understands how it affects the present. Who gets how uni can be all consuming as its their life too. And to be counting down the exact same 44 days until a reuniting.
Sometimes I just like to talk to people that know me from before. To people that have wandered into my life and set up camp. I think it is because I already know they will stay and I dont always know who here will stay once I leave. Being a world away is a strain on relationships so I think I extra value the ones that have lasted through that. Today I felt really blessed to have two specific people understand me and know the exact way to listen. A little bit I miss living in Utah.
31 October 2011
30 October 2011
Unnatural Holding
This cant be normal. It cant be how things are meant to be. I am supposed to be entirely in control. And yet I look in the mirror and somehow see the unnatural holdings. I see the empty confusion in my eyes that you leave everytime I see you. I see the confusion as to how I thought things could work and then watched them fall so miserably apart. And as I see that I wish that I didnt feel it. I wish that I could control that. That I could not look at you and see how you appear to have been so entirely unaffected by the situation while I still feel lost.
And then I relook I look past that. I notice that I tried today. I wanted to leave an impression. There would be no costume today so perhaps it was a real first impression in a sense. In case this was true I wanted it to be a good one. I am captivated. I cant help it. It makes me feel like a school girl. Yet there is something about you that leaves me intrigued. But the other side of the coin says I am not enough to catch this eye and that really I shouldnt hope to. I see the insecurity. I am not used to being intrigued by someone on the right track. It has thrown me off. And all of it is unnatural because a large part of me really just wants to be your friend because you exude all the things I need in someone here. And then part of me cannot deny that I am attracted. Regardless, it is unnatural and I dont like that feeling that I cannot control things, especially as I dont even know if I am still heartbroken or not.
And if I was to take a third look I would probably notice something worn down trying to be covered. As people age they acknowledge the tol the years have taken on them, it may be like that. Except I am not old. I just feel a bit worn after the past few months. Mostly physically. Health hasnt been my strong point. I wouldnt get a gold star for it, in fact I wouldnt get any stars at all. I would like to have an entire day of not feeling the weight of my inability to be healthy. I think that would be nice. I try and ignore it mostly. I just go on as if it is natural. As if every other person must feel the exact same way as me. Deep down I know it isnt true. And sometimes post appointments I feel trapped as if its holding me hostage.
I dislike not being entirely in control. I do not like factors outside of my sphere of influence. Ergo as I sit here and realize that even though I am pleased with my hair and my nerdy glasses and my sweater that is supposed to be a hug from my mother, I can see so much more. I can see that people influence me whether I want them to or not. Maybe it is okay to still hurt around someone that has ripped out your heart. And maybe it is okay to once in awhile meet someone that for some reason intrigues you. It doesnt have to mean anything. And maybe it is okay to accept that I literally cant do anything else at this point healthwise and that is how it is. Maybe I need to give up some of my control in order to regain it.
And then I relook I look past that. I notice that I tried today. I wanted to leave an impression. There would be no costume today so perhaps it was a real first impression in a sense. In case this was true I wanted it to be a good one. I am captivated. I cant help it. It makes me feel like a school girl. Yet there is something about you that leaves me intrigued. But the other side of the coin says I am not enough to catch this eye and that really I shouldnt hope to. I see the insecurity. I am not used to being intrigued by someone on the right track. It has thrown me off. And all of it is unnatural because a large part of me really just wants to be your friend because you exude all the things I need in someone here. And then part of me cannot deny that I am attracted. Regardless, it is unnatural and I dont like that feeling that I cannot control things, especially as I dont even know if I am still heartbroken or not.
And if I was to take a third look I would probably notice something worn down trying to be covered. As people age they acknowledge the tol the years have taken on them, it may be like that. Except I am not old. I just feel a bit worn after the past few months. Mostly physically. Health hasnt been my strong point. I wouldnt get a gold star for it, in fact I wouldnt get any stars at all. I would like to have an entire day of not feeling the weight of my inability to be healthy. I think that would be nice. I try and ignore it mostly. I just go on as if it is natural. As if every other person must feel the exact same way as me. Deep down I know it isnt true. And sometimes post appointments I feel trapped as if its holding me hostage.
I dislike not being entirely in control. I do not like factors outside of my sphere of influence. Ergo as I sit here and realize that even though I am pleased with my hair and my nerdy glasses and my sweater that is supposed to be a hug from my mother, I can see so much more. I can see that people influence me whether I want them to or not. Maybe it is okay to still hurt around someone that has ripped out your heart. And maybe it is okay to once in awhile meet someone that for some reason intrigues you. It doesnt have to mean anything. And maybe it is okay to accept that I literally cant do anything else at this point healthwise and that is how it is. Maybe I need to give up some of my control in order to regain it.
29 October 2011
Using a Pilgrim and an Indian to Narrate a Tale
It was like and Indian finding a pilgrim lost in the forest. The pilgrim didnt expect to be saved, and partially didnt know what he was looking for. Yet when the indian came and with a calming reassurance led the pilgrim to safety the pilgrim knew. The indian was what he had been praying for. Answers come in the form of unexpecting humans sometimes.
I dont know you really. I could say I do, but I dont. And that is irrelevant. I feel like I have been desperately searching for a person that would know what to say. It was different in Utah, I had a handful of boys that I knew I could trust and they would have the wisdom and perspective to help me understand situations. Here it isnt the same. That perspective just seems so infrequent. And with my innate thought that "people always leave" it sets me up for a lack of searching for that perspective I crave. And yet somehow it appeared. Perhaps it was the atmosphere. Costumes almost provide a cover that allow you to be more open as you are hiding so much. That may have not been it at all. And it probably doesnt matter. The only thing that really matters is that I felt like a lost pilgrim. In a strange land, confused and lost, just seeking some guidance. And then I heard words that were so familiar. It was like the comfort of white hot chocolate from juice n java on a cold Provo day.
I jump to conclusions. I make things out of nothing. I imagine things happening that never will. But thats okay. I was reminded that I am never alone even when lonely feelings may set up camp next to my organs. And I saw a glimpse of everything I was slowly forgetting.
I dont know you really. I could say I do, but I dont. And that is irrelevant. I feel like I have been desperately searching for a person that would know what to say. It was different in Utah, I had a handful of boys that I knew I could trust and they would have the wisdom and perspective to help me understand situations. Here it isnt the same. That perspective just seems so infrequent. And with my innate thought that "people always leave" it sets me up for a lack of searching for that perspective I crave. And yet somehow it appeared. Perhaps it was the atmosphere. Costumes almost provide a cover that allow you to be more open as you are hiding so much. That may have not been it at all. And it probably doesnt matter. The only thing that really matters is that I felt like a lost pilgrim. In a strange land, confused and lost, just seeking some guidance. And then I heard words that were so familiar. It was like the comfort of white hot chocolate from juice n java on a cold Provo day.
I jump to conclusions. I make things out of nothing. I imagine things happening that never will. But thats okay. I was reminded that I am never alone even when lonely feelings may set up camp next to my organs. And I saw a glimpse of everything I was slowly forgetting.
22 October 2011
Invisible Ladders are Hard to Avoid
Superstition says that walking under a ladder is bad luck. This leads to people going around ladders. And it is fine if you dont believe in superstitions to avoid walking under ladders, I mean it is just illogical and unsafe to do so. However, I am beginning to wonder if I am walking under invisible ladders. This would explain why I am going under them, clearly because I cant see them. This thought process arrives after a string of what appears to be bad luck.
Trouble breathing? No problem, you just need to breathe to stay alive. Oh all of the pain is suddenly back? Also not an issue, just go to the chemist and fill a prescription of painkillers with sometimes awful side effects. Thats fine. But then having a spider the size of my hand stalk me into my house and leave me in tears standing on my bed, handing house keys through a window to be rescued is just crossing a line. I dont know why my karma is so bad. I have been trying really hard to be a good person and I have honestly been so busy lately I wouldnt have had time to cause trouble. So this is all so perplexing. Therefore, I must just keep walking under invisible ladders. I need to learn a spell so I can see what is hidden in invisibility.
Trouble breathing? No problem, you just need to breathe to stay alive. Oh all of the pain is suddenly back? Also not an issue, just go to the chemist and fill a prescription of painkillers with sometimes awful side effects. Thats fine. But then having a spider the size of my hand stalk me into my house and leave me in tears standing on my bed, handing house keys through a window to be rescued is just crossing a line. I dont know why my karma is so bad. I have been trying really hard to be a good person and I have honestly been so busy lately I wouldnt have had time to cause trouble. So this is all so perplexing. Therefore, I must just keep walking under invisible ladders. I need to learn a spell so I can see what is hidden in invisibility.
21 October 2011
And Everyone Must Breathe Until Their Dying Breath
It may seem morbid, but I think it is just factual. If you arent breathing you are not living. Perhaps this is why centres around breath, it focuses on finding your breath and letting it be your guide for each movement, letting it connect your mind and body to become one. And even though this week I spend a lot of time doing yoga, well it just isnt where this train of thought is going. So back to breathing, it seems kinda important. And sometimes I forget that. I just go around breathing all day and dont even think about it. That was not this week.
It is hard to explain to someone who hasnt experienced it, but when you cant take a deep breath or when you start coughing so much it aches and each breath is a struggle you become acutely aware of breathing. It is one of those things that makes you alert no matter how tired you are. And sometimes it scares me. I hate feeling like every ounce of energy is put into just getting that next breath or trying to stop coughing. So even though I was working and teaching extra this week and was feeling overwhelmed with exams I found myself staring at the clock in a waiting room. Watching the seconds pass wondering why I couldnt seem to fix this myself. I know how to manage my asthma, I am so careful to remember to take an inhaler each morning to keep it at bay and when I noticed my breathing was becoming laboured I increased the dosage and took a rescue inhaler when needed. I was so on top of it and yet for some reason I just couldnt do it alone. I needed more serious medication to some how take control and set me back on track. It seemed frustrating. The timing was poor, and I just wanted to get things done not be up at night coughing or wondering why these steroids that provide breath also come with a plethera of side effects.
But as I am climbing back down that fence that had me wondering if I would end up seeking a more emergent solution I realize that is life. Sometimes we cant do things alone. And bad things happen to good people, and often at bad times. I guess sometimes I need a reminder that I am not a mountain, that I cant withstand everything all alone without protection and help. Life gets overwhelming and without reaching outside a comfort zone or seeking help it can get so discouraging.
It sucks coughing and not being able to take deep breaths but not breathing would suck more. And this too shall pass. So instead of continually wondering why things keep happening that seem unfair or inconvenient I am just going to take the breaths I can and move on. You cant control everything. Sometimes you just have to let go. And I will keep breathing until my dying breath.
It is hard to explain to someone who hasnt experienced it, but when you cant take a deep breath or when you start coughing so much it aches and each breath is a struggle you become acutely aware of breathing. It is one of those things that makes you alert no matter how tired you are. And sometimes it scares me. I hate feeling like every ounce of energy is put into just getting that next breath or trying to stop coughing. So even though I was working and teaching extra this week and was feeling overwhelmed with exams I found myself staring at the clock in a waiting room. Watching the seconds pass wondering why I couldnt seem to fix this myself. I know how to manage my asthma, I am so careful to remember to take an inhaler each morning to keep it at bay and when I noticed my breathing was becoming laboured I increased the dosage and took a rescue inhaler when needed. I was so on top of it and yet for some reason I just couldnt do it alone. I needed more serious medication to some how take control and set me back on track. It seemed frustrating. The timing was poor, and I just wanted to get things done not be up at night coughing or wondering why these steroids that provide breath also come with a plethera of side effects.
But as I am climbing back down that fence that had me wondering if I would end up seeking a more emergent solution I realize that is life. Sometimes we cant do things alone. And bad things happen to good people, and often at bad times. I guess sometimes I need a reminder that I am not a mountain, that I cant withstand everything all alone without protection and help. Life gets overwhelming and without reaching outside a comfort zone or seeking help it can get so discouraging.
It sucks coughing and not being able to take deep breaths but not breathing would suck more. And this too shall pass. So instead of continually wondering why things keep happening that seem unfair or inconvenient I am just going to take the breaths I can and move on. You cant control everything. Sometimes you just have to let go. And I will keep breathing until my dying breath.
16 October 2011
"Do You Know Sugar Is Like Baby Meth?"
I like Community. It is one of those shows that just makes me laugh. I also like the album Community Group. Jonathan is a talented man. However, for once I am not taking some simple word and complicating it, tonight I am taking these random things and bringing them back to their origin. Community.
Tonight I felt like I was part of one. It was a feeling I liked but didnt know beforehand. I was running and saw an older man walking with his wife, he smiled and waved, he comes to my yoga class sometimes. It was nice to see him out. And I recently friended some neighbours and there is just something that makes me feel at home when I know I can bake something and take it to the neighbours. And then there is the fact that at the gym this week I ran into someone that comes into work. Or maybe its because a girl from yoga works with a friend of mine from uni. There are many options here.
It just seems like I finally am at a point where I am established in who I am and where I am and I am settled enough to have random sightings and to belong. I didnt ever consider this being a place of residence. Places have always just been temporary in my mind. A mean time. Not really anything more than that. I am making this my home though. I am making it mine and being part of a community. And that just makes being so far from home seem not so far.
Also meth is bad.
Tonight I felt like I was part of one. It was a feeling I liked but didnt know beforehand. I was running and saw an older man walking with his wife, he smiled and waved, he comes to my yoga class sometimes. It was nice to see him out. And I recently friended some neighbours and there is just something that makes me feel at home when I know I can bake something and take it to the neighbours. And then there is the fact that at the gym this week I ran into someone that comes into work. Or maybe its because a girl from yoga works with a friend of mine from uni. There are many options here.
It just seems like I finally am at a point where I am established in who I am and where I am and I am settled enough to have random sightings and to belong. I didnt ever consider this being a place of residence. Places have always just been temporary in my mind. A mean time. Not really anything more than that. I am making this my home though. I am making it mine and being part of a community. And that just makes being so far from home seem not so far.
Also meth is bad.
15 October 2011
Trains Wreck
Sometimes trains crash. And its not something preventable, at least not from your end. And maybe that is just part of life. Maybe we have to fail sometimes to realize that we can pick ourselves up and grow. Maybe we would just be super weak and mundane if we didnt experience failure.
I feel like a train wreck lately. Like everything is falling out of control and consequently I let the the things I could control fall apart too. I am not sure I know how to get out of this rut and avoid disaster. But I am trying. And I just hope that I will be able to try hard enough to come out a step ahead of the train that feels like it is waiting to run me down.
So I think I will make cupcakes to make me smile and then study some more. I dont want to be that train wreck so its time to intervene for myself.
I feel like a train wreck lately. Like everything is falling out of control and consequently I let the the things I could control fall apart too. I am not sure I know how to get out of this rut and avoid disaster. But I am trying. And I just hope that I will be able to try hard enough to come out a step ahead of the train that feels like it is waiting to run me down.
So I think I will make cupcakes to make me smile and then study some more. I dont want to be that train wreck so its time to intervene for myself.
13 October 2011
A Rough Copy
I still question if you actually liked it. If it meant anything. Or if it was just an attempt at a present that went awry. I feel full of apprehension and distrust perhaps, even though it is knowingly misplaced. I just feel a massive sense of unsureity, as if nothing can be trusted. Its like seeing a van near a park and instantly thinking it must be full of lollies and trying to capture children. It likely isnt but your mind goes to all the wrong places. Thats how I feel. Like I cant stop my mind from thinking the worst.
I am not sure when it reverted. When my thinking went back to the fact that people always leave. Perhaps it is because thats what I did therefore proving my thought. I left. I walked away from everything I knew and so why wouldnt I expect others to?
I want to believe that the words and the sentiment behind a delayed present meant something but somehow the finality of it all and the attempt to bridge just brings an awkward ache. A literal pain through the nervous system always leaving the most pain through the left hand. Its inexplicable. Its real. It reminds me that I dont like being alone. That I am alone. Alone in the sense that there is a void, a space of lonlieness that I almost consciously refuse to fill because I feel like you should fill it. Maybe its some form of denial. Some way of wishing it wasnt this way. My own words seem to be of no comfort. I just want to wake up tomorrow and realize its a new day, a better day.
Today felt like it raped and pillaged me. I didnt like it.
I am not sure when it reverted. When my thinking went back to the fact that people always leave. Perhaps it is because thats what I did therefore proving my thought. I left. I walked away from everything I knew and so why wouldnt I expect others to?
I want to believe that the words and the sentiment behind a delayed present meant something but somehow the finality of it all and the attempt to bridge just brings an awkward ache. A literal pain through the nervous system always leaving the most pain through the left hand. Its inexplicable. Its real. It reminds me that I dont like being alone. That I am alone. Alone in the sense that there is a void, a space of lonlieness that I almost consciously refuse to fill because I feel like you should fill it. Maybe its some form of denial. Some way of wishing it wasnt this way. My own words seem to be of no comfort. I just want to wake up tomorrow and realize its a new day, a better day.
Today felt like it raped and pillaged me. I didnt like it.
12 October 2011
A Stuffed Hippo
I have a stuffed hippo. It is a treasure, a keepsake, something to remind me of a life. Life happens and with that some things we choose to suppress, this may be because it was embarrassing, emotional or painful. Regardless, we do not actively try to remember some things, we may even actively try and forget. It was not that I was trying to forget, I just wasnt actively remembering I suppose.
So when I realized a lecture today was on palliative care in pediatrics my heart sunk a little. Children dying is sad. And talking about sick children that arent going to have a long life hits home. It reaches that spot of my heart that I dont delve into. The one that remembers a funeral right after Christmas.
Two years after, I was home at Christmas and there was so much snow and I couldnt find her headstone. I just kept trying to push the feet of snow away, to try and clear as much as I could to find it. It had baby blocks on it. I just somehow wanted her to know I didnt forget, that I missed her, that in her short life she had blessed so many people. That even though I may not have biologically been her sister she still meant the world to me and I couldnt have loved her more. That I hated leaving the hospital and would have held her every second she was alive if I could have.
It's interesting how one thing can trigger so much. The thoughts, the aching, the memories, the longing all can come back in an instant. Its not like its debilitating or overwhelming, it just is an above subtle reminder that life is precious. That some people arent here for the expected 87 years. That sometimes children die and that all you have left are memories and a stuffed hippo. And that somehow even tiny lives can touch you for a lifetime. And somehow even though I tear up remembering how beautiful she was and the way you knew she loved you it warms my heart knowing that when she left she knew that she wasnt alone.
Sometimes all you have is a momento to remind you of the past and sometimes all you need is to hear a song or a phrase to feel the longing for something lost, and maybe that hurts, but maybe its okay to hurt because it means that something special happened before that hurt.
10 October 2011
Butter Chicken
You probably think this post is about food. Its not. It says butter chicken in the cement sidewalk near my house and I pass it everyday. Today two guys saw it and were rather excited about it, it made me smile. And I am glad it did, because today wasnt that great of a day. I barely slept and not surprisingly woke up to an email, it happens every night before I get one, and I got nailed by an exam I thought I slayed. Today wasnt a very good day. But today is Thanksgiving. So I am going to man up and write some things that I am thankful for.
That is just a few things. But I think sometimes when days feel like they suck and all you want to do is cry a little bit it helps to remember all of the good things, sometimes they go unnoticed. Today may have not been my favourite day but it could have been worse. And reality is I still have 2 hours to make this day a bit better than it may have been.
- That it says Unicorn on the dart board on TV when I watch Darts randomly
- That when you trace your hand it can look like a turkey
- That I ran 5 km tonight
- That I like my hair finally and growing it out isnt so painful
- That I actually feel like this is home
- That I can just hop on a train to work and that the last part of the train ride goes past heaps of graffiti
- That I can see anything scrubs related and feel happy
- That I have a family that really loves me
- That I have people here who care about me and worry when I am upset
- That music can make anything feel at least a bit better
- That I got a really good chocolate bar for 50 cents a few days ago
- That I have a library card
That is just a few things. But I think sometimes when days feel like they suck and all you want to do is cry a little bit it helps to remember all of the good things, sometimes they go unnoticed. Today may have not been my favourite day but it could have been worse. And reality is I still have 2 hours to make this day a bit better than it may have been.
09 October 2011
Always the Foreigner
Someone told me that me going home was an issue in a relationship. I didnt even realize that. It wasnt to me. But it got me thinking. A lot.
I first left home when I was 18. The next few years of relationships consisted of me being extremely vocal about the fact that I was from Canada. No I was not American. Although everyone knew, my accent gave me away everytime. (Now I cant even tell that I sound different than Aussies.. how much has changed..) And then when a guy would mention the future I would promptly inform him that I would be living in Canada so if that was not his plan than clearly our relationship wouldnt work. I mean why would I live in the States? Who did they think I was? And somehow I found some guys that were okay with that. How unfortunate. Really I just was immature and selfish.
Somehow years passed and I realized that I do love my homeland but I also love love. I love that feeling where you would do anything for someone because they matter that much. So somehow I find myself the foreigner again, as usual. I live somewhere so far from home. And at first I thought okay 2 years and I am gone. I will do my time, get the piece of paper qualifying me for a career than hop a plane and hit up my homeland. Yet as I sit here, single, I realize that I would stay for love. Actually, thats not what I mean, I mean I dont care where I live as long as it is me sharing my life with someone that I love and that loves me back. The place doesnt really matter compared to the people.
So as I go about being the foreigner for more at least 13 months I realize thats fine. I dont have to sound the same as everyone. This is my home. At least for now. And I want it to feel like home. So instead of me thinking in terms of how long til I leave I want to embrace this more, to make my room everything I want in a room, instead of it being decent for the time being. I want to have a schedule that mirrors what I want in life. I want to be the best person I can be instead of always thinking "I will do that when I am established." This may be my home for a long time, or maybe not. But I want it to feel like home.
And you were wrong. Me not being from here doesnt matter.
I first left home when I was 18. The next few years of relationships consisted of me being extremely vocal about the fact that I was from Canada. No I was not American. Although everyone knew, my accent gave me away everytime. (Now I cant even tell that I sound different than Aussies.. how much has changed..) And then when a guy would mention the future I would promptly inform him that I would be living in Canada so if that was not his plan than clearly our relationship wouldnt work. I mean why would I live in the States? Who did they think I was? And somehow I found some guys that were okay with that. How unfortunate. Really I just was immature and selfish.
Somehow years passed and I realized that I do love my homeland but I also love love. I love that feeling where you would do anything for someone because they matter that much. So somehow I find myself the foreigner again, as usual. I live somewhere so far from home. And at first I thought okay 2 years and I am gone. I will do my time, get the piece of paper qualifying me for a career than hop a plane and hit up my homeland. Yet as I sit here, single, I realize that I would stay for love. Actually, thats not what I mean, I mean I dont care where I live as long as it is me sharing my life with someone that I love and that loves me back. The place doesnt really matter compared to the people.
So as I go about being the foreigner for more at least 13 months I realize thats fine. I dont have to sound the same as everyone. This is my home. At least for now. And I want it to feel like home. So instead of me thinking in terms of how long til I leave I want to embrace this more, to make my room everything I want in a room, instead of it being decent for the time being. I want to have a schedule that mirrors what I want in life. I want to be the best person I can be instead of always thinking "I will do that when I am established." This may be my home for a long time, or maybe not. But I want it to feel like home.
And you were wrong. Me not being from here doesnt matter.
08 October 2011
We All Have Our Things
Sometimes I get really caught up in things in my life. I mean those are the things I see. And then I get tunnel vision. I only see those things. Perhaps its because I dont feel like I have time enough to deal with my things so I just dont seek other peoples things. Thats been the state of my mind lately. I have gotten caught up trying to get over a break up, trying to think about the future and working and uni and not failing at any those things that pile up. And I forget that we all have our things. Thats probably why I keep listening to this song. It reminds me that I dont have to feel the weight of the world and that we all really do have our own things, and thats okay.
"Do you feel
The weight of the world singing sorrow
Or to you is it just not real
Cause you got your own things
Yeah we all have our things I guess
I guess my mind wanders off
from time to time
Sometimes I convince myself
that all this fight in the world
It's not mine
Why should I
have to try
to fix things I didn't create or contrive"
-Do You Feel, The Rocket Summer.
"Do you feel
The weight of the world singing sorrow
Or to you is it just not real
Cause you got your own things
Yeah we all have our things I guess
I guess my mind wanders off
from time to time
Sometimes I convince myself
that all this fight in the world
It's not mine
Why should I
have to try
to fix things I didn't create or contrive"
-Do You Feel, The Rocket Summer.
06 October 2011
Steve Jobs Dying Overshadowed Your Day
I like days that celebrate the day that someone was born. I like them best when I am not the one in the light. So when I woke up today knowing it would be passionfruit cheesecake for breakfast from a recipe that literally said "Nothing says I love you like passionfruit cheesecake. Tempt your loved one with this mouth-watering dessert" I thought well, this will be a different day. I knew it wouldnt exactly be the day in my head. That day wasnt real. But I knew it would be some kind of wonderful.
I like cake for breakfast. I like writing notes. I like seeing someone smile because for one day so many people remember them. But then Steve Jobs died and that was sad. I just wonder if my future I-things will be as awesome. They may be, but I still feel like I miss Steve Jobs. He was an inspiration that is for sure.
But back to a day of birth celebration. It felt like I should have celebrated you more. I wanted to spend basically every second trying to make your day perfect, but at some point I had to realize that it wasnt my job. That I cant pretend to be the girl I am not. That I have to learn to be a best friend and that maybe I filled that role with cake and starbursts and a publication on its way.
I liked this day better when it was in my head three weeks ago. However, the point is, you deserved the best day. And I am sorry Steve Jobs died, especially today. And I feel blessed that somehow 9 months ago we became really good friends and that I can tell you every secret. I admire you in ways that I probably dont have words for. I hope this day was perfect for you. And I hope that every morning when you wake up you realize that someone loves you and that you are excessively amazing. Happy day of birth celebration day.
Love always.
Gavin Degraw Sings What I Think
Dreams, that's where I have to go
To see your beautiful - face anymore
I stare at a picture of you, and listen to the radio
Hope, hope there's a conversation
Where we both admit we had it good
But until then it's alienation, I know
That much is understood - and I realize
[Chorus]
If you ask me how I'm doing
I would say I'm doing just fine
I would lie and say that you're not on my mind
But I go out and I sit down at a table set for two
And finally I'm forced to face the truth,
No matter what I say I'm - not over you (not over you)
Damn, damn girl you do it well
And I thought you were innocent
Took this heart and put it through hell
But still you're magnificent
I'm a boomerang, doesn't matter how you throw me
I turn around and I'm back in the game
Even better than the old me
But I'm not even close without you
[Chorus]
And if I had the chance to renew
You know there isn't a thing I wouldn't do
I could get back on the right track
But only if you'd be convinced
So until then...
To see your beautiful - face anymore
I stare at a picture of you, and listen to the radio
Hope, hope there's a conversation
Where we both admit we had it good
But until then it's alienation, I know
That much is understood - and I realize
[Chorus]
If you ask me how I'm doing
I would say I'm doing just fine
I would lie and say that you're not on my mind
But I go out and I sit down at a table set for two
And finally I'm forced to face the truth,
No matter what I say I'm - not over you (not over you)
Damn, damn girl you do it well
And I thought you were innocent
Took this heart and put it through hell
But still you're magnificent
I'm a boomerang, doesn't matter how you throw me
I turn around and I'm back in the game
Even better than the old me
But I'm not even close without you
[Chorus]
And if I had the chance to renew
You know there isn't a thing I wouldn't do
I could get back on the right track
But only if you'd be convinced
So until then...
02 October 2011
An Energy Efficient Robot
I havent wrote on here much lately. It feels tainted in a sense. So I have taken my writing elsewhere for the week. Which has been nice. But I miss the sanctity that was my blog. Perhaps that feeling will return soon.
Regardless, as I set up for some quiet reading before bed I realized a flaw. My record player is across the room and the tiles are cold. Ergo I dont want to get up every twenty minutes to turn a record over or switch it. However, I prefer the sound from the vinyls than I do from my laptop. So I felt like this was an issue. I however came up with a grand solution. I need an energy efficient robot. Said robot could turn and switch records, get my more water when my cup is empty and could bring me snacks if necessary. This is a grand idea. Also my robot would go into sleep mode when not being used that way it would be best for the environment and not creepy when I sleep.
I wish I had a robot. I also wish I didnt say mean things when I am avoiding dealing with emotions and putting up walls. I also have an old wish returning, I wish a unicorn was dancing on your head.
Regardless, as I set up for some quiet reading before bed I realized a flaw. My record player is across the room and the tiles are cold. Ergo I dont want to get up every twenty minutes to turn a record over or switch it. However, I prefer the sound from the vinyls than I do from my laptop. So I felt like this was an issue. I however came up with a grand solution. I need an energy efficient robot. Said robot could turn and switch records, get my more water when my cup is empty and could bring me snacks if necessary. This is a grand idea. Also my robot would go into sleep mode when not being used that way it would be best for the environment and not creepy when I sleep.
I wish I had a robot. I also wish I didnt say mean things when I am avoiding dealing with emotions and putting up walls. I also have an old wish returning, I wish a unicorn was dancing on your head.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)