It may seem morbid, but I think it is just factual. If you arent breathing you are not living. Perhaps this is why centres around breath, it focuses on finding your breath and letting it be your guide for each movement, letting it connect your mind and body to become one. And even though this week I spend a lot of time doing yoga, well it just isnt where this train of thought is going. So back to breathing, it seems kinda important. And sometimes I forget that. I just go around breathing all day and dont even think about it. That was not this week.
It is hard to explain to someone who hasnt experienced it, but when you cant take a deep breath or when you start coughing so much it aches and each breath is a struggle you become acutely aware of breathing. It is one of those things that makes you alert no matter how tired you are. And sometimes it scares me. I hate feeling like every ounce of energy is put into just getting that next breath or trying to stop coughing. So even though I was working and teaching extra this week and was feeling overwhelmed with exams I found myself staring at the clock in a waiting room. Watching the seconds pass wondering why I couldnt seem to fix this myself. I know how to manage my asthma, I am so careful to remember to take an inhaler each morning to keep it at bay and when I noticed my breathing was becoming laboured I increased the dosage and took a rescue inhaler when needed. I was so on top of it and yet for some reason I just couldnt do it alone. I needed more serious medication to some how take control and set me back on track. It seemed frustrating. The timing was poor, and I just wanted to get things done not be up at night coughing or wondering why these steroids that provide breath also come with a plethera of side effects.
But as I am climbing back down that fence that had me wondering if I would end up seeking a more emergent solution I realize that is life. Sometimes we cant do things alone. And bad things happen to good people, and often at bad times. I guess sometimes I need a reminder that I am not a mountain, that I cant withstand everything all alone without protection and help. Life gets overwhelming and without reaching outside a comfort zone or seeking help it can get so discouraging.
It sucks coughing and not being able to take deep breaths but not breathing would suck more. And this too shall pass. So instead of continually wondering why things keep happening that seem unfair or inconvenient I am just going to take the breaths I can and move on. You cant control everything. Sometimes you just have to let go. And I will keep breathing until my dying breath.
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