Unnatural Holding

This cant be normal. It cant be how things are meant to be. I am supposed to be entirely in control. And yet I look in the mirror and somehow see the unnatural holdings. I see the empty confusion in my eyes that you leave everytime I see you. I see the confusion as to how I thought things could work and then watched them fall so miserably apart. And as I see that I wish that I didnt feel it. I wish that I could control that. That I could not look at you and see how you appear to have been so entirely unaffected by the situation while I still feel lost.

And then I relook I look past that. I notice that I tried today. I wanted to leave an impression. There would be no costume today so perhaps it was a real first impression in a sense. In case this was true I wanted it to be a good one. I am captivated. I cant help it. It makes me feel like a school girl. Yet there is something about you that leaves me intrigued. But the other side of the coin says I am not enough to catch this eye and that really I shouldnt hope to. I see the insecurity. I am not used to being intrigued by someone on the right track. It has thrown me off.  And all of it is unnatural because a large part of me really just wants to be your friend because you exude all the things I need in someone here. And then part of me cannot deny that I am attracted. Regardless, it is unnatural and I dont like that feeling that I cannot control things, especially as I dont even know if I am still heartbroken or not.

And if I was to take a third look I would probably notice something worn down trying to be covered. As people age they acknowledge the tol the years have taken on them, it may be like that. Except I am not old. I just feel a bit worn after the past few months. Mostly physically. Health hasnt been my strong point. I wouldnt get a gold star for it, in fact I wouldnt get any stars at all. I would like to have an entire day of not feeling the weight of my inability to be healthy. I think that would be nice. I try and ignore it  mostly. I just go on as if it is natural. As if every other person must feel the exact same way as me. Deep down I know it isnt true. And sometimes post appointments I feel trapped as if its holding me hostage.

I dislike not being entirely in control. I do not like factors outside of my sphere of influence. Ergo as I sit here and realize that even though I am pleased with my hair and my nerdy glasses and my sweater that is supposed to be a hug from my mother, I can see so much more. I can see that people influence me whether I want them to or not. Maybe it is okay to still hurt around someone that has ripped out your heart. And maybe it is okay to once in awhile meet someone that for some reason intrigues you. It doesnt have to mean anything. And maybe it is okay to accept that I literally cant do anything else at this point healthwise and that is how it is. Maybe I need to give up some of my control in order to regain it.