That Little White Rock

I closed my eyes. I tried to put words to what I felt. And then the images came. It started out as black and grey swirled together until it became clearer. There was a town, a deserted type one that would come out of a Tim Burton film. It was being overcome by the dark clouds that were forming. It was bleak and lonely and sad. Not the type of place you would want to visit. Then as I sank deeper into the feeling I felt the tears slowly falling down my face but not in a way that I had to stop them. Then the image changed. It was a bare room. All a dark wood. There was a window with the shadows pouring in. And in the corner was a young girl. Dark hair. White nightgown. Curled up in the corner crying and scared. And I didnt mention it at first. But she somehow knew I saw more. As I tried to mention it the sobbing began. I think I knew. The session progressed and she had me visualize sitting next to the girl. She asked what happened. I said the girl crawled onto my lap wanting to be held. As the moments progressed the tears slowed and a light appeared in the room, I felt the heaviness lift. There was hope. It all made sense in the most confusing way.

I suppose this is why I dont delve into my emotions. I am too scared of what I will see. I am so visual. The images were so clear. I realized that inside I truly was as small and scared as I thought I might be. I realized that the insecurities and loneliness were real and a part of me. A part that has been neglected as I have tried to avoid grief and pain. But this upcoming loss has brought it all back. The grieving has began and it is so painful and I didnt realize how much I hurt inside.

The suggestion was art therapy. I was embarrassed  I can visualize the most magnificent creations but my execution doesnt exist. The point was to come away with something tangible. Something to give me that hope when I feel overwhelmed in the cloud that slips over the town and hides the light. She pulled out a small canvas. And I immediately asked if she had a rock or marble. She smiled. She knew I recognized what I needed. I slowly picked up each rock from the basket she handed me and chose one. It was small but large enough to fit perfectly in my hand. It was nearly white and not quite circular. I explained that its imperfection in being a circle and the discoloration along with its impeccable smoothness reminded me to accept the imperfections that life holds and to recognize that in its own way it is perfect. It brings me a sense of acceptance and hope.

I am not overly good at loving sometimes, at least I think so. But as I look at these two beautiful girls that I love like both sisters and children I realize that I love them more than anything. And watching them leave will break my heart and the time leading up to it will be full of grieving and it will continue to bring up insecurities and previous losses and pain. But today I realized that as hard as it is there is hope and that I am just scared. Scared that everyone I love will leave or be unable to stay. Scared that I will never be more than alone. But I saw today that I can be the one there for myself when there is no one else. And I think I will be okay. I will probably cry every single day as I look into their beautiful eyes with the knowledge that their lives are going to be so hard. But in the end I will be able to hold onto the little white rock and remember that there is hope amidst the darkness.

The Human Trap

I wanted to start with saying that I usually like people but I kind of hate humans. But that is different. I generally give people a chance, I accept anyone. But there are some times when I just really cannot seem to like someone. This is one of those times. I am sitting in my room with VMars avoiding the couple sitting at my table, and the awful smell of peanut butter coming from the freshly baked cookies. I want to say they have the right idea in mind but I dont see their hearts in the right place. And the blinding pain of knowing they are taking my sisters is enough to turn me off anyone.

Fast forward two days. I walk in the door to see them. I see that all they did was buy them clothes and drag them to an TV show, no skating or actually activities like they promised. I know this will be a trend. The girls lives are going to dramatically change. They are too you to understand. I am more than old enough to know. I looked away and held in the frustration, anger and tears.

It may seem unfair that I can't seem to give them another chance or like them but I just can't. It is far too much for my little heart to handle. The girls are already Avon out and misbehaving because of this and I can't promise them I will always be there and it will be okay. I am unsure if I could love someone more than I love these girls, and I completely realize the next two weeks are going to continually break my heart as I am forced to let go. So this time no, I can't just smile at these humans, they are not going to give my princesses the lives they deserve and yet I can't do anything about it. Letting go is not one of my strengths. Neither is liking humans.

Fairytales Arent Real

It has all happened so fast in the slowest way. It isnt like I just met him yesterday, it was nearly nine years ago. And yet the last three weeks have gone so painfully slow but have possibly changed the course of my entire life. I want to say I dont know how it happened but I think I do. I came back for so many reasons and not one of them was for a boy. And yet I got here and realized I was ready for a future, for something serious. To progress. And maybe all I had to do was grow up and open my eyes but I somehow realized that the perfect person had been there all along.

Maybe this is why I havent been writing. I just dont like admitting things are real because once you do you can get hurt. Once you say something out loud it has the power to come back and crush you. But the truth is this is the one part of my life that really is feeling like a fairytale. It has the ups and downs, as in me getting frustrated with being complimented and throwing punches. I just have never been spoiled like this or felt like such a princess and it is so confusing, but amazing. And I dont want to get all excited and write that I feel like I am falling entirely but I suppose that is the truth. And maybe I will have my heart broken, and maybe I wont. Because for the very first time I am with someone that is actually good for me and I am beginning to think this is how it is supposed to be. So maybe this is realer than a fairytale. And maybe this is just another short chapter in a really long book. It is just too soon to tell because deep down I know that people always leave.

Even Deadbeats Move Forward

I have always heard if you are staying still you are really moving backwards as life waits for no one. So I am perplexed. I feel so much like I am stagnant, and moving backwards but so much am somehow going forwards. Maybe I just have a skewed outlook on what I measure. Because since I have come back I feel like I have been put in a regression, an unavoidable position which has prevented me from feeling like part of the real world. But there is something inside screaming that so much is moving forward.

As much as I avoid emotion or connection and delving into reality with people I somehow have allowed it. It feels premature, like a flower barely starting to show through the soil. But I can't help it, I have to write. I am so nervous and anxious, I think for once this could become something real but I am so talented at ruining good things. I don't even know if this is a thing to ruin as it may be nothing. And I am so used to saying every single thing that comes into my mind to you but now I am unsure as as I don't want to ask something and get an answer I don't want. But I think this is real real and I dont know how it is happening as am living a deadbeat life. Maybe I just needed to be less distracted to be able to see what was right in front of me. Either way I think I may be really happy about whatever is occurring.

If I Knew Then

I write. And so often it brings laughter and fond memories as I find old journals and sit back and read. I often impress myself with my own insight and so much more amaze myself with my stupidity and ability to fall for someone new every week, so many pages are full of the drama created in my own mind analyzing every moment. And then there are times like tonight. I found a journal that was barely used in a sense. It starts with pictures that make you wonder if I really was almost 22. Example A.

And then I found the pages I forgot existed. The ones that I can only wish didnt but somehow cannot stop reading. I wrote the hour before I knew my Dad had left. He had left me a voicemail during Sunday School. During the third hour of church I wrote "It makes my insides ache. I feel so helpless and desperate inside even though he could be phoning about everything and anything. I need to stop letting my imagination run wild into haunted forests. Back to reality Laur, Dad just wants you to phone him. He is your father. It's no big deal. So STOP stressing over nothing. Stress causes 99% of all illnesses so I should avoid stressing at all costs."

I wish I could go back to that moment and have prepared myself better. To not have returned the call while walking by the duck pond. To not have been so alone. To not have been so unprepared to have my life shattered. Hours later I wrote again "Somedays are ultra hard. They consist of thousands of tears, heartache, uncontrollable aching, sobbing and inner pain. Today was one of those days. I hate this day. I hate it so much. It hurts so bad and I am just so sad. The moment I stop and think or talk to someone the tears just pour out. I hate how I cant control any of it. I hate how much it hurts. This days hurts too much to ever re-live it." I stopped writing for a few months after that because I thought if I didnt write then none of it would be true or real. When I picked up the pen again I wrote about the constant sorrow and how it was killing me from the inside out. I wrote about how I was unsure I could ever trust someone could love me forever after that.

Perhaps this is all way too much information. Too sad. Too real. But tonight this was my life. I reread the words I wrote and my heart broke for the girl that wrote them two years 6 months and 22 days ago. For the girl who had no idea how much sorrow and pain was about to occur upon returning a voicemail. Maybe it explains why I get anxiety when people leave me messages. Maybe it is part of why I dont like talking on the phone. That day changed my life. And I cant say that tonight I dont still feel that sorrow. I cried about it today before I even found this journal. But the saddness is different. It doesnt control my life but it is a part of it. The anger has lessened. The lack of understanding still exists and the pain may never leave. But as I cried through the words I read I realized that it hasnt all changed, time hasnt healed everything, but I am so much stronger and more loving and caring now than I was before. I am more tolerant and understanding albeit cautious and skeptical. And I am a better person because of it all. As much as I hate it sometimes I am grateful I learned what honesty is, and how to face my own emotions. It has shown me so many of my fatal flaws and given me a chance to improve, to become a better person. And I think one day I will fall in love and be happier than I ever thought possible because all of this pain and confusion and loss has taught me more about love than anything else.

So I wish I could go back and tell myself it was going to hurt more than any pain I knew but that I was strong enough and would never have to go through any of it alone. I wish I could have understood how I made myself more alone than I had to be because I was scared. But I cant go back so all I can do is sit here and take a moment to realize how far I have come and that I still have so far to go, but now I know I will never be going it alone and that I can make it through anything. And as painful as some words may feel to write or reread they give me insight and strength that I seldom find elsewhere.

I hope in another two years, six months and twenty two days I will have learned more about forgivenes and be able to look back and see growth that I cant see in the moment.

Night Terrors

I stood there almost confused as to how I got there. The light glowed under the door even though it was barely past 530 so I pushed it open and saw myself in the mirror. Bambi smiled from the nightgown, my hair was so bedheaded but in angelic way, the glasses hid the tears. She turned around confused and as I slowly stepped forward I told her I was having nightmares and began to cry as she held me. She tucked me in her bed and promised to be in the next room so I would be safe and could try and manage a bit of sleep. I laid there with tears pouring down my face for what seemed like ages but after truly minutes sleep refound me.

Perhaps it is embarassing that after twenty four years I found my mothers room post night terror but honestly the love of a mother is unmatched. The night had been filled with a similar dream twice. I was working in what seemed like a police department and there were no police. But a shooter would come and start killing children in front of me as I hid for my life behind a locked door with a room full of other people. It left me full of tears and confusion.

This isn't new. Sleep and I are never on the same page. It likes to terrorize those moments that I so desperately wish were full of blankness. I could write that it is frustrating beyond belief but the truth is behind the fear and tears I remembered that no place is like home and that I will never be too old to have my mother wrap her arms around me as tears stream down my face. I am so blessed to have her in my life.

A Locket

It is hard to explain but sometimes something physical just resonates for an unknown reason. I wouldn't suppose I am overly worldly but I do like things. I mean my records mean a lot to me and so do my opals and family treasures. But they all have some form of sentiment. They carry memories. So I felt confused why I was so compelled to put the necklace on and not take it off. Perhaps it is because you went out of town right after and in those few hours between I actually opened up to you. And now you feel a million miles away and it scares me that I care so maybe I keep it on for some kind of comfort. I am unsure. But I think things are changing and perhaps will be changed in a week.

A Ring

My mind is currently obsessed with weddings and this is partially not my fault. I am currently most likely the worlds most excited maid of honour and I also have a wedding to attend next month that I am unreasonably looking forward to. So this combination has been fatal. My life has become Pinterest and wedding thoughts. Plus due to the frequent engagements that occur around me it all is just too much for my single mind to handle. So tonight I broke down and had the briefest perusal on a particular website I knew would hold my dream ring. After brief moments I closed the page as I knew I was creating unfulfillable dreams. Only to have an unsuspecting friend text me a picture of literally my dream ring an hour later during a conversation that randomly turned to guessing what kind of ring I like. Someone punch me in the face before I become that crazy girl that plans a wedding that is not happening.

That Feeling

You know that feeling when you are blushing so much you feel warm and your heart starts racing and you just want to vomit? Well I have it. I think it might mean I care about someone but I am so incredibly unable to cope with the emotion it just overwhelms my whole system.