When You Wake What Is It That You Think of Most

Its two am. I should be asleep. I have spent hours doing nothing important. Just cutting up magazines in a thought to decorate a wall. I spent most seconds of the day trying to stay overly occupied. It worked. Til I was walking home from the train. Somehow in those few short minutes I felt like I was suffocating, like I couldnt breathe without you in my life. I dont know whats happening to me. I used to be so cold, emotions were so easy to just shut off. Breakups were tender but never traumatizing. And yet for some reason I cant imagine life without you in it. Perhaps that means just as best friends. I can accept that. I just hate that we are in a phase of nothing because we have to heal and be sad. I am sad. And sometimes I get chest pain because I am so sad and feel so lonely without you in my life. Even Rilo Kiley didnt make this break up feel okay. However, I will brave face it again tomorrow and I will hopefully finish your birthday present because in some way that is bigger than us.

-You.

Suffocation of the Heart

I thought I would write something tragic. It would be a tale about two misguided lovers who fell brutally and entirely in love and yet somehow couldnt reconcile their differences. The breakup would be like a divorce in some ways. It would be a heart wrenching tale. One that would evoke all the wrong emotions.

And yet I feel too lost to narrate such a tale. The feeling literally was as if my heart was suffocating. In fact it still feels that way. It feels like something inside of me has died. And in that moment when I felt alone I called at just past 4 am your time because no one wants to be without a mother when their heart is shattered. And suddenly the tears and convulsion were so overwhelming breath couldnt be caught and vomiting to breathe seemed like the only solution. It was confusing and painful and I just wanted the suffocation to stop.  In a way it did with words of comfort and the fact that a best friend was literally dropped on my doorstep like a present from the one person I was aching for.

It would be easy to write that I am angry or hurt if he wasnt such a gentleman, if he wasnt so incredibly everything I love. I can only sit here and write that the loss of love  and its agony came from the fact that it was the losing of not only a love but of a best friend. Of the only person here that had heard every word and secret I had spared the rest of the ears from. The person that I had literally poured my soul too. So when the door shut it was a feeling of bleakness and aloneness that no other ending relationship has left me with. Perhaps this is why I know we will recover. Because you are truly my best friend here.

You may read this. In a way I hope you do but then I dont when I realize you will be reminded of the image you want to forget. For once I can write that I fell entirely in love and gave it a shot. That I cant look back and wish something was different and that I realize we both had to let this end. I can write that I still love you and that it felt like I couldnt breathe the moment you werent in my life. And I can write that I know I was wrong when I told you it was just like no one man could ever stay forever, that wasnt a fair category for you. I shouldnt have been so inwardly cutting. I wish you could just come back and we could cry together but that would just create more suffocation.

I cant wait for the day we are best friends again. Or even the day when we are friends without hiding complete sorrow. I hope its friday. Then we can go to the beach with our black friend. I love you and regret nothing.

Ships Sink

It was the first two words I thought in a moment of crisis. And then I tried to figure out what I would do if a ship was sinking with me on it. You see the comparison to being caught in a situation that may fail. So there I was. And at first I thought "well of course I will jump and swim to shore, why stay on a sinking ship? I could clearly save myself." Then I instantly thought, "If Billy Joel is playing Piano Man on the ship than I may have to stay and just go down with him because that would be the best way to stick it out and go down."

Even in my imagination I cant decide what to do when ships sink. Although I am rather happy that if I am on a sinking ship that Billy Joel will be playing for me. I suppose that is a plus to my mental turmoil. Piano Man really does evoke the best. I wonder if this ship is sunk or if its all just some crazy waves like that one time I was on a cruise and their was a tsunami and there were a lot of waves. I just dont know.

Firewater

"You sat me down beside myself. To show me all the reasons I was wrong for you. Was this for real its hard to tell. Cause it was such a beautiful mess we had got into. I'm going to overcome this, paper hearts wont win this time."

I would write something from my own mind. But I just probably wont. Its not been one of those days. Its been a day where I feel like I am drowning in a firewater lake. So why use my own words when someone already wrote about that. Perhaps it will change. Perhaps it wont. But suddenly it feels out of my control.

"I was never good at goodbye."

Mars, Venus or Uranus

When I went to my piano teachers house in middle school I would have to wait for my sister as we had back to back lessons. In the living room I always sat in I remember there being a game or maybe a book called Men are from Mars, Women are From Venus. I didnt give it much thought.

Today I was realizing how blatantly different boys and girls think. It caught  me off guard. Reality is it shocked me and a few hours later I still feel confused perhaps. Or maybe just insecure. The thing is that I save every note and card anyone gives me. I treasure them and place them in my journal or my note box where I reread them. So to hear that each note I write just goes straight to the receptacle bin was a shocker. To realize that we respond differently always seems illogical. In my mind everyone would the same in generic situations. To me its like any romantic date should make someone feel elated and get butterflies and feel in love. And everyone should want to leave little notes for people they like. And teasing should never be related to something sensitive. And people should want to always remind others they love them and know its not implied.

You see in my mind its Uranaus. Because in grade 2 we studied the planets and I drew Uranus because I liked the bluey green colour of it. So that is my favourite planet. And on that planet boys and girls understand each other. And on that planet I am not sensitive and insecure.

Sometimes I realize I just dont understand boys and that just leaves me insecure. I wish I was tougher and lived on Uranus.

c f & e m

This is what my mind is thinking like. Its just letters. And sometimes one letter means several words, yet there isnt confusion. I just look the letters and read it like I would read any sentence. I am not sure if this indicates I am going insane or if I just magically understand my own notes. Today was a perfect beach day, so perfect my housemate went to it in fact. And yet I worked and then went to the library. A place that was dead. It really was a dreary lonely place that was sucking the life out of me like death eaters do. I dont think I like pre exam days. They feel stressful and dreary. However, I have been quite pleased with my musical choices that have resouled me to counteract the library. Six more days and a week of freedom. I can survive. Although it is making me very dull.

cervical flexor and extensor muscles

Feelings Beyond Vague F-Ship

Ships come and go with the tide. F-ships are the same. They dont all come to harbour and stay. Some leave but always come back and others leave never to be heard of again. And some you see in passing, and thats all you need. You dont feel a compulsion to stop or to reroute to join their journey. You just enjoy the friendly passings on. These are the feelings I classify as vauge, the ones that dont need to surpass the threshold into real f-shipping.

Perhaps its bad to admit it, perhaps it makes me seem shallow or like relationships are insignificant. I dont think that at all. Its quite contrary. I just tend to take a ship and grasp it so tightly or place it in a glass bottle to be treasured forever or I let it sail on. Some of the ships that have passed I miss, and wish I had flagged them down. And sometimes I realize it was for the best and that our ships would never be on the same route. So I embrace the vagueness. The calm, subtle moments of hellos. And I let them just be that. There is no reason to make them larger or to think longer.

And then I think about the ones that are one the shelf, preserved so preciously. And I am grateful for them. Perhaps they arent really boats in glass bottles but they are there. They are represented in a childs shoe, or a photo, or a drawing, or a record or a scrapbook or a gift. They have found their spot on my journey and I cherish them. My f-shipping skills have been lacking lately. I apologize. I will try and reroute my ship away from the dark abyss it may have been journeying towards.

One Decade is Ten Years

I still remember that morning. I was in middle school. I had to go to the dentist before school. I  hated the dentist. But drama class was first so I was excited for that. Mum picked me up and on the way to the school, it was a very short drive, she told me what was happening because she didnt want me to hear it first at school. I thought the world was ending. I remember sitting in classes watching it on TV and then at lunch going to the little hill behind the field and sitting with my friends talking about it all. It seemed surreal. It was incomprehensible. The world felt unsafe. I was confused and scared. I didnt know what would happen next. I remember my mum carefully putting all the newspaper articles about it each day into a box by the armchair in the corner. She said it was something we would need to remember. And that the world would never be the same. I didnt know anyone in the towers or on the planes. I had never been to New York. All I knew how to do at that young age was to hold a bake sale.

Ten years have passed. Ten years and sometimes it feels like the remnants are most noticeable with American airport security. Things have changed. The war on terrorism seems never ending. People are less trustworthy. Fighting is more prevalent. But in ten years the Americans have in so many ways come together and bonded over a tragedy that is incomparable in todays first world countries. Yet it has opened my eyes. It is a tragedy still. So many lives were lost. However, prior to that day I never realized how  unfortunate people are that are born into war torn countries. I cant imagine living in constant fear listening to bombs overhead or walking through landmine infested areas on a regular basis. I cant imagine living under a communist regime or any form of dictatorship.

In a decade I have grown up. I have learned that the world can be a bad place. That bad things happen to good people for no reason. And that when bad things happen the good people fight back. That others choices hurt us but they dont have to ruin us. That rebuilding is hard but possible. And that you dont have to go through such things alone.

I want to go to New York and see the monument. I want to be able to picture the beauty and sanctity of it instead of just seeing the images of the planes  hitting the towers when I think of the tragedy. Some days come and go with nothing to write home about. And some days change the world. Those days can be hard. I like the quiet days better. Lest we not forget.

Crossing the Chicken's Road

Sometimes we stand at the edge of the road waiting for something to cross. Waiting for something to happen to us. Yet we do nothing. And sometimes we just stand there in apprehension and then cross. I was at the intersection of apprehension and taking a step the other night. I was nervous because my track record of perfect Friday night dates had been so low. Each Friday a carefully planned activity would slowly fall apart into a mess much like the way tears leave makeup ruined. So as I stood outside the restaurant my thoughts were flooding in. Was my dress attractive enough? Woud the food be good? Would we have a good time? Would something obscure happen again to make it a fail? I just wanted it to go smoothly and yet that seemed impossible for us.

And then I looked up and there you were. Handsome. No, breathtakingly handsome. And from that moment nothing else mattered. I knew the night was perfect. And it really was. Dinner went well. I will admit that I decided to give chicken a shot. It had been ten months since meat and I have spent the meal together but life had been intervening and suggesting a return to the protein of meat. I tried it and it was awkward and uncomfortable. The chicken didnt like me crossing that road and I didnt really like it either. The other side of the street was less strange. Regardless, dinner was lovely and then the suggestion of a surprise appeared. I didnt know what to expect. I actually expected nothing.

Expecting nothing and being taken to an arcade is probably the best thing ever. I could have screamed with excitement. All dressed up for our dinner and yet laughing as we played a few games. I was impressed that you knew that it was exactly what I would want to do. It was perfect. With my recent luck planning dates was such a fail it was making me nervous. Nervous that it meant something wasnt working out. That would be incorrect. After the most perfect evening I feel once again reminded why I am so ecstatic that I have you.

My Organs and Their Lack of Depicting Intelligent Processing

I know I have wrote about my retarded heart. It was a very factual entry in fact. I am not writing about my retarded brain and how it brings my imagination to the  most twisted and unwonderful imaginings. Perhaps my brain is retarded also. Maybe I should be concerned that its not individual organs but a more general case of retardedness, hm, I think I will dismiss that thought for now and carry on.

I have recently become overly aware of the fact that my brain is restless, causing me to be restless. This affects my ability to sit still as well as to sleep without much disruption. This also leads to insane pathways of thought and a continuum of dreams that make no sense and yet somehow find a way to cause confusion and concern. The imaginings

Exceeds Expectations

Sometimes I wish I could get report cards of my life. Like every few months open the mail box and have my evaluation there. That way I could get that anxious apprehensive feeling and the dread that comes with opening it. But along with that I could also get the excitement that you feel with words of praise or unexpected noticings of strengths you were unaware of. Yes. I wish I was getting report cards.

I think in creativity and daily thoughts I would exceed expectations. In focus I would probably do poorly or however they word it these days to sound like a good thing when really they are saying you suck at it. I would likely fit along an average scheme for things like health, productivity, math skills and home ec. I would expect above average for literature and art related tasks and below average for wrestling skills, and hard things like killing spiders or not being afraid of the dark.

In all of the failures and areas that need work the few things that are picked out that say you are nailing life make report cards worth it. Maybe I will start giving others report cards for life because I think it is a good idea. If all goes well no one will be offended and I will not get beaten up. I wonder if I will ever grow up.

David Thorne

Sometimes we censor. We contemplate others tender hearts and dont want to create leaking in the form of tears. So we just think things and dont say them. Instead we smile and say some non-meant pleasantry. However, this is not what everyone does. In fact, I have this deep admiration for people who say it how it is. And by this I refer to those people that are so outlandish that my whole abdomen shakes as I try and control the overwhelming laughter that brews with each word I read. This is how I feel about David Thorne. I may love him for the mere fact that his words are everything I am too scared to say half the time, the other half the time I may be on the same page as him just to a much lesser and less funny extent. Please waste some valuable time laughing. Laughing is good for the soul. And it will make me feel better about the massive amount of time I wasted reading his works today. What a champ.

http://www.27bslash6.com/f26a.html

Cant Keep Safe What Wants To Break

I think I thought it wanted to break. That I was just continually wrapping duct tape around it like a mummy in an attempt to piece it together while its scissor hands tore it apart just as quickly. You cant keep something safe if its going to break. But I was wrong. It wasnt going to break, and I wasnt using duct tape, I was just losing my mind. 

I have recently realized that my fears and insecurities hold me back from so much. I never realized this before. I just thought I could do anything and if I was too scared to do it, well than it probably just would suck anyways. But I think I was wrong. I think I just didnt want to know that I was missing out on anything in life. But I feel really lucky because I didnt realize this on my own. I am not that apt at self reflection. I need prodding like cattle. I need to be herded in the right direction to find out such things. So here it goes.

I realized that I get scared of being happy. That me being happy means someone else isnt.

I am afraid that spiders will eat me and that is a problem when I have to pee and there is one in the bathroom.

I realized that most of the things I think arent real.

I realized that because I imagine so much that it leads me to worry about things that arent real.

I realized that karaoke isnt scary, it is actually fun.

I realized that I dont hide things well when someone really knows me so I am best to just say whats wrong.

I realized that I talk too much and this prevents those quite moments from happening.

I realized that not everyone is out there to break your heart, but you dont know that unless you give them your heart.

And I learned a lot more. Mostly I have learned that I shouldnt be so insecure about everything. That sometimes I do things just right. And those times count for a lot and shouldnt be outshone by all the times when I dont get it right. Regardless, my head is far too full or imaginatory ideas that possibly need to be quieted for awhile. At least I know I dont have to struggle keeping this safe, it doesnt want to break.