If You Don't Know, Honey, Why'd You Just Say So

If you dont know you dont know. I am just a firm believer in that. It is completely normal and alright and humanish to not know. So maybe that is why with 31 minutes left and the cutoff being 30 I raised my hand and left. I was finished. I had answered it all and didnt see a point being trapped for 30 minutes pretending I knew something I didnt. I am not going to remember something I dont know, I just wont. So as I sat in an adequate mood on the bus and flipped through my notes I felt an odd sense of peace. I was finished and I knew it and accepted it. I am more than happy with my responses, even the inadequate ones. I didnt know it all but I didnt waste any time torturing myself. I know what I dont know and I have no problem admitting it. I think I may use that as my new selling point, well after saying I am a dogsled trainer gets old.

It is like life has sit a sudden standstill. I am actually feeling the turning point. Everything changes now. I will only write one more exam as a college student and that will be right before graduation. Everything revolves around actual practice now, wandering the hospital and treating real people. I think everything is about to get shockingly real really fast.

I am probably going to say I dont know a zillion times in the 100 days of clinical that are about to enrapture my life. Oh well. I will just say so.

The Law of Opposites

There is something to it. It is so illogical and I probably never got it until now. Or maybe I have never met people so different to myself so there was never opportunity to understand. So there I was. In a position where I was bound to converse if I wanted time to pass in any fashion. Plus it was one of those things where you know you will take the hit for someone else and it was my turn for sure. So I smiled and said my hellos. It wasnt like something crazy happened and irrevocable memories were made. It was just sitting and chatting like normal people probably do but it just has stuck with me. I just cant get over how opposite someone could be to me. And I find it hilarious in a weird way. I am just so fascinated I suppose. And that sounds kinda creepy stalkerish, thankfully I am not stalking anyone. I just wanted to I suppose note that I get it. I get why opposites attract. Seeing qualities that you cant even imagine possessing or just trying to glimpse into an opposite point of view is fascinating. It is like walking into a new world. I would have followed the rabbit too if I was Alice, who doesnt want adventure and to be in a new existence? I guess the flipside is the thing edge between being fascinated and falling for nothing as you try and understand a new world. Maybe that is why fate (or whatever you would like to refer to it as) has a place. In so many ways it prevents dangerous opportunities. Regardless, I am kinda hooked on this whole opposites thing and realizing how much of the world and humans I dont know.

I'm Just A Kid

In that moment I realized a lifelong dream was coming true. I had forgotten how much I wanted this. It seems crazy I had to come across the world just to be surrounded by the music of my homeland but that is how it had to happen perhaps. Regardless it was a kind of teenage bliss that you only understand if it has happened to you. Each song was full of what felt like a lifetime of memories. At moments I was back in high school and then on a cruise ship and then in a fight with someone it was all flashing back with their voices being a soundtrack of my past. It was beautiful in a different sense of the word. It was a sing your heart out and feel like a teenage punk rocker sort of experience. I definitely didnt feel my age. There isnt much more to say other than I am super grateful to the two beautiful girls that provided me with said birthday bliss.

I am not even embarrassed to say I entirely love Simple Plan. They were like a piece of home visiting me. Canada really is the best.

We the Kings is also really good live, I need to spend more time at concerts like I used to.

Who I Want To Take Me Home

There must be a word for it. It is super simple and obvious I am pretty sure, I dont know though for sure as I cant remember it. It isn't love. It is so much more than that. Maybe ethos? Nope, I was thinking eros but that isnt it, its agape. My greek is terrible these days. Haha I say that like there are days that I excel in greek. Those days arent real. But this day is real so agape, that unconditional love. Now that I have found the perfect word to describe it I dont know how to begin. I suppose I shall just make it a story of some sort.

Once there was a girl. A girl that had low expectations of a lot of things and preferred to fly under the radar, in a "whatever" sort of way. She felt awkward being in the spotlight and found ways to avoid it. But one day a year it was hard to. So she just stayed quieter. Being closer to the shadows allowed for this. Then the time came and she was met with her favourite cake prepared and waiting to be eaten at breakfast, something most people wouldnt know. As the day unfolded a trend became obvious. A book mentioned a year previously was given. Then a set of movies the collection was missing were given even though the need for said object was only ever mentioned in passing once. And then it just went on. A record of a beloved band, a book on zen with money for hot chocolate to elicit a quiet arvo in a coffee shop. A purse more beautiful and classy than imagined. Money with a card and note that left tears of love. A hot pack because someone knew it would eleviate something they couldnt. And as it all happened the shadows seemed unreal. The radar wasnt where it was thought to be. All of the time spent trying to remain unobtrusive was nil in a sense. Because the girl was not hidden. Her quiet words were heard as if they were shouted from a mountain repeatedly. The little things were noticed and celebrations were made. It suddenly felt like no one could ever care more than those people did for this one girl who had tried to hide.

That is basically my life. And by life I mean day. Today I was so shocked in the best way to realize how many people have taken notice of the small things and for the time and effort put in to ensure that I feel loved. I even felt that love when a card was opened and the creepy man picture fell out. Sometimes I feel alone, I feel so far from the things that seem to matter. And then days like today happen and I realize I have so many people in my life that I would want to take me home. Agape was the highlight of getting old. It is nice to be reminded that you are someone special.

Realistic Optimism for Another Year of Lifeness

I think I eventually fell asleep thinking how I was going to nail the big two four. I shouldnt say two four, it makes me think of Bob and Doug and beer, and that is not where this is going at all. So I was thinking how this year was going to be nailed. And then I woke up and had cake for breakfast and skyped and had cupcakes and presents and an epic learning opportunity and more skyping and more presents and more dessert and so much love you cant imagine. And through all of this I was thinking wow, I am all over this. Then at some point during it reality hit. And for the first time I realized something I seem to miss.

Everytime a new calendar comes out or a day of birth celebration happens to me I think "oh man, I am gonna get right this time, this is going to be my year". Then the year happens and I am like "gah, this year nailed me". And I try again. And over and over I have lived this cycle. It is like a wash cycle continuously on repeat. Until today.

This seems the wrong way to go about it but that is alright with me. Reality hit today. The pain that is excruciating beyond words hit hard again. And this isnt a feel bad for me thing, this is a part of my life and I dont mind being open about it. So as it hit and I went looking for that bottle of painkillers I made the realization I needed. Maybe I have been nailing these years, I just am losing perspective in the battles I havent been winning. This year is going to be epic. I am going to have some major successes while 24. I will graduate with a Master's, I will get a real job, I will submit research to be published. I am going places. But that doesnt mean that this year will be pain free. I cant decide that because it is a day that means I am older. I cannot always control these things. And maybe this is the first time I am really accepting it.

The all too familiar pain reminded me that realistically this year will have challenges. Some will be familiar and some will be unbelievably foreign as I find myself thrown into the deep end. The next few months are sink or swim time. Good thing I used to be a lifeguard hey. So here I am, nearing closing time and feeling so excited for this year, even though I may have just taken a painkiller and be curled up with a hot pack. I am going to really nail 24 and when I get super old next year I am going to look back and see the successes and not so much the challenges. I am ready.

(Notice how mature and old sounding I am now?)

The End of an Error

The time has come. I am aging again. So the appropriate thing to do is to sit here stroking my unicorn Shirley while listening to Twenty Three on repeat and blog about my life during that period. And also to eat runts. So that is clearly what I am doing.

This was a rough age for me. It really feels like an error coming to an end in some ways. Or maybe just because I was thinking of that album today. But really, it does feel that way. It was not the easiest year. It was full of growing pains and just pains. So let the reflection begin. (ps I feel like this should be depicted in photos as well which is abnormal but thats okay. pps this may be super long)

So the age began with obviously the song and then it progressed straight into hanging out in LA, which basically meant TBS with Becca and Disneyland with my sister. I couldn't ask for better friends than these two. So for your eyes I am providing what Top Models look like on Space Mountain. Oh wait.. that's us..

Then I had to go and hangout with my friends Will and Kate. This was us hanging out one day. They are pretty cool I guess. They are waving to you, see how nice they are?

But maybe a bit boring so I brought most of my favourite people in the universe with me.

Oh didnt I mention I was with these people in my homeland? Well that's where it was. And that is where memories are made. Probably because of those people over there. Kate likes pictures with us because we are cool.

Oh and then I saw my soulmate. I also fell in love with her siblings. I wish I could steal that family. I might one day. And we did one of the greatest things I could ever hope to do in my life. JD and I went to Sacred Heart and we eagled. It was a true Turk and JD Guy Love moment.

And then a lot of months past without pictures to tell stories. The stories were more of struggles. Months came where I battled my health and had the most personal growth I have ever had. I took responsibility for so much of my life and grew up. I realized I had to stand for something because I was falling for anything. I saw how much I had to show what I believe and realized who I wanted to be and what mattered. Looking back the months of suffering had so much meaning and I feel grateful for the rough edges of 23 that needed to be rounded out.

Then I went to this ball thing. This is what I thought of that.

Then next thing you know it was half a year past and I was still living here but this time I had a best friend to spend it with. This is basically what is was like. I dont know why after over 5 years she still tries to hug me. This is always how it ends.

 Oh and Daniel came also. And so did the kangaroos. They were hungry.

And then next thing you know I was just bored of it all so I stepped on a nail. That isnt what happened. I just didnt want to build my housemates wardrobe so I impaled my foot. The worst part was actually the doctor twisting it out. But then it hurt so much and was so stuck he had to numb my foot which was the second most painful part. I dont think I will ever impale myself with a nail again. It was way more of a hassle than you would think. But it is a cool story.

Then I decided I was tired of being really sick all the time (this was a year of epic poor health) so I hopped on a plane. I stopped in Van to see my fake boyfriend. We had the best day ever. He is super hot. He took me to the Science Centre and for Tim Hortons (the first place any real Canadian goes after being away from the country for any period of time). It was the best day ever. I can still feel that pure sense of joy that day brought just writing about it.

Then I was home. I threw up on a building downtown, but for some reason no one took a picture. That was the first indication of how sick I was. It was pretty funny though. Especially when this man looked so upset for me and took me inside to get cleaned up. There are angels everywhere. Then I had some surgery and stopped being able to eat cool foods. It was not really a holiday. But despite that I saw my family. I wont go into detail there as it will get me all teary. But I would be surgeryneedingsick all the time if it meant I just got to laugh with them all the time. (We took super rad family photos where we froze but oddly I only have real copies not digital ones so imagine a sexy family in plaid in the snow - insert here)

And then it basically became now. So here are the words. This year I made it through the hardest semester of my life. It may have just been brutal because I was so sick. And looking back I wonder how I managed so much being that ill. But I did. And I am proud of it. I am so proud of that age because it was painful in every way and I really fought it.

So here I am. Moments away from old and ending it on a high note. Work surprised me with GF cupcakes. And I taught yoga to a stellar playlist. Then I ran a late 5km with one housemate while the other baked me birthday cake so I can have it for breakfast. I am ending 23 the best way. Feeling so full of love and entirely ready for 24. I am ready to fight for everything I want and I finally realize what is most important. Maybe I am ready to be old. Oh wait...

Maybe I am not quite yet. Twenty three felt like a year full of errors and it is finally over. I have never been more ready for a birthday in my entire life.

A Little Song I Wrote For You

I wish I wrote songs. That isnt one of my skills though. It just isnt. So instead I find music that has the words I wish I wrote. Lately its a song by Attention that is hitting home, and maybe I dont know why or maybe it is too close to home. But in a way it reminds me that I am not really as cynical as I pretend to be.  I like to be hardcore and act like I am so super independent. And I kinda am. But that isnt the point.

Lately I have realized what a romantic I am. I have the most miraculous fantasy of love and marriage and future. I can picture the photos, the wedding, the honeymoon. And the mere thought of it all is too much. I am mostly sure that I pretend to be cynical because I have such a perfect picture of love and am worried it will never happen to me.

So when I hear these crushing songs of love and beauty and loss and the past and now it just fills me with longing. I want to be the one that has something to write a song about. I want to have a best friend that I will be with for the rest of my life. And I want to be that girl that isnt scared to be romantic. But until then I will listen to this song and wonder.

How I Hate It When The Hamburger Rings

It is like finding a four leaf clover. It doesnt happen often and is unexpected. So much so you dont even know what to do. That is exactly how I feel everytime the hamburger rings. Like this morning pre 8 am. I just dont understand, especially since I dont even know the number for it so how can anyone else?! It is bizarre.

But it makes me think of superhero movies (like old school batman) with the special phone that is in a case and only rings for emergencies. So when it rings I always wonder if it is an emergency. And then I remember it can't be as no one knows the hamburger number. I think I will call myself from it so I can start handing out the number. I would much rather be psyched for ringing hamburgers than freaked out.

Because I Ask About Your Life On Occasion

One time a boy whom I will always love told me I felt that way because he asked about my life on occasion. I was shattered. And then a long time passed. And I realized that is a huge part of it. Sometimes you love people because they get you through things or care and that is exactly the type of love it was. I cared because he was one of the few people that existed in my circle that asked the right questions and listened for the answers.

As time passed I thought I cared about someone else and got butterflies and was so excited. And then realized something was missing. So as more time passed as it tends to do I forgot about it and continued on like humans do. And then it all clicked. What has been continually missing in such an array of past relationships is that simple act of feeling like someone actually was hearing what I was saying.

I think that blow on that winter night as I realized an unrequited love has opened my eyes in ways that I will always be grateful for. What I really want is someone that asks about my life on occasion.

Like Gloves Made For My Feet- But Not Ugly Like Vibrams

I am a barefoot runner. Not literally. I just wear barefoot running shoes. But not the ugly toe ones. Those freak me out. Just the normal ones. But this isn't about running or bare feet. It is about love.

The other day I went to the post office. Just normally to pick up something. I knew it was loan forms, not awesome but awesome because I have to pay tuition. So as awesome as digging a grave or debt can be. My feet felt like lead as I walked. The past two weeks had taken a toll. My normally crappy body was feeling even crappier and I was exhausted. I just had to fit in the post office before waiting for my train to work. It was like the break in routine of exhaustion. Then the lady came back with a box. A triplicate form doesnt require a box. So as I walked to the train I called the sender. As I waited behind the yellow line I started ripping it out and was laughing and squealing with joy. I had been sent new Toms. This was extraordinary as two pairs of my Toms have massive holes yet I have been wearing them all the time anyways. And then I tried them on and it was like wearing perfectly sized gloves on my feet. Maybe it was because they were full of love. And the more I thought the more I realized that my worldly possessions that mean the most are the ones with stories and sewn or produced with love. Without love I would probably have sad cold feet.

Yes. Physio. Crazy. Mental. Illness.

I understand why reality tv is appealing. You cant make up things half as funny as real life. Like that one time someone kept thinking physio meant psycho. It wouldnt have been half as funny if I wasnt finishing my Master's in Physio and working at one as well. I was dying laughing out loud. And as funny as it was it just made me cringe with the longing for home. Maybe it isnt that reality is hilarious, it is that it is relatable. It reminds us of what we love and well, it makes us laugh. I suppose that's why I like the Truman Show, it reminds me of my life. Maybe it is my life. Or maybe I am just physio.