Super Suck on That!

Hey Jeff, as promised I am blogging about it. yes I kicked your butt at Sorry! And it super sucked for you. Oh and dont try and say that you beat me so bad the second time, you didnt. You mildly beat me. So super suck on that.

ps I only took perhaps half of the blame so I think you should take the other half.. just saying.

Applying for Scholarships is like bra shopping..

As I sat on my laptop in the living room looking at yet another scholarship I felt like was impossible to get I yelled "hey mum, looking for scholarships is like bra shopping, its frusterating and makes me go ughjmsadfjkbhghhhh". She gave me one of those looks like 'Lauren did you really just say that?' and laughed. She remarked on how bad it must be since she knows my hatred for bra shopping.

So today I just have to laugh. Two weeks ago I would have told you that you were an idiot if you said I would spend my time at home obsessing over scholarships and loans and lines of credit. Yet here I am.

Life is funny. Especially my life. The most ridiculous things always seem to happen.

Another example. I get home from work and find Big Bird in my bed. I ask my little sister and she laughs and crawls in my bed and tells me she is having a nap. Last time I checked she had now left big bird, a baby, a blanket and a stroller strewn across my bed. You think these things dont happen til you have children.. but thats life. And I am pretty sure if I didnt laugh at all those stupid little things I would get so stressed I would break down. So tonight I am just laughing at how ridiculous my life is.

As the Walls Come Crashing Down

Do you ever feel like you are builidng your life, like a building. Each accomplishment is another carefully laid piece in your masterpiece. And then something happens and you realize your building is a glass house. Its like you have been working on this carefully hidden masterpiece for so long that you forgot it was not hidden. Its as if someone has unveiled it. And there you are, scared and feeling so small amidst these accomplishments, with your life just on display in your little glass building.

I think that is the best way to describe how I feel. But then add it feels like the walls are falling down. Its all so overwhelming and frightening, yet beautiful. As you stop and see your accomplishments all piecing together and seeing that they actually mean something and you are doing something.

I have been back in Calgary for just over a week and I will be the first to say its a gong show, and sometimes its just really hard. Dont get me wrong, I love it. Calgary is of course my home. I love the familiarity of the hospital, like my first morning back when I ran into Mo, he delivers packages and he stopped and asked how school was. There is just so much about that place that screams comfort, as it should after 6 years. And then there have already been the days out with friends which have been lovely.

Then opposite to it all I have felt so vulnerable lately. I feel like my life is on display. Like people are just sitting there watching and waiting, expecting me to do something miraculous. But with the word 'conditional' still in play its not like I can rejoice about grad school, yet. So its hard. I know people have always expected me to do something big with my life, but that stresses me out sometimes. I will do something, and it will make me happy but I wish there werent so many people watching and counting on it. I dont like the spotlight much. In fact, I hate feeling on display. Plus at the instability of life here and the emotional damage following each of us like a shadow, and well, as you can guess the vulnerability is just exposed.

So as I sit here on my bed thinking about how I feel weighed down from five weeks of trying to put up walls someone else knocked down, I realize I am down. I am ready to let the walls fall and rebuild. I was already on the path of making my own life, and grad school, if it goes through this week etc etc, well that is just another way that I have been building those walls on my own. So world, if you must stop and watch, please realize as each wall comes down and breaks on me I am just going to get up and build something more beautiful. C'est la vie.

"You will find that man that is looking for someone just your size and height"

When someone has faith in you when you have none in yourself it inspires change.

The other day I was at work, nearing my last day of work. And this kind old faculty member was chatting with me, as he was prone to do when he came to swim. He would always tell me to go see a Doctor about my problem with being up so early, since I was at work at 6. I would laugh. This time I told him not to worry as it was my last early morning there. He asked about my future. As I started telling him I felt like it was so indefinate, so scattered. It was like word vomit coming out, all of these sort of things I thought might be rad but no plans. Come September I would be entirely lost.

After he swam he came and found me in the office studying, he wanted to say goodbye. As we were doing our farewells he said some things that wont soon be forgotten. He wished me luck and then asked what I was going to do when I was in Australia and a handsome Mormon boy looking for someone just my height and size came around. I laughed and shook it off saying I had no idea about Australia or anything but I wasnt too worried about that boy. He told me that it would work out and I was going to Australia.

This man barely knew me. We just spoke and laughed as he would swim some mornings when I was there, and I didnt work mornings consitently. And yet he had faith in me that I had lost. He knew I was going to do something with my life. He knew I was not going to be a little lost sad puppy wandering in September. I wish I had that faith in myself more often.

So I am trying. I am graduated! (I got a view of my Ochem grade on blackboard- and I passed! Holla!) I am going to do something rad this fall. And I will keep my blog posted on it. So as unsure as I am of my life now that I have graduated, I am sure I will do something epic and beautiful. And I have renewed faith in myself. I just finished 4 years at a hard University far away from home. I learned to live on my own and I built friendships that will never end. Yes, I have faith in myself again. I can, and will, make a life for myself now, outside of BYU.

love.

Music Mends Broken Hearts.

I used to be rather on top of the music scene. As high school was coming to its last two years I really focused on music. I would never be on the computer unless I was listening to Purevolume. I was almost obsessed with it. Freshman year of University I found myself in a city that had killer shows, all the time. I went to as many as possible. Waking Ashland, Straylight Run, Cute is what we aim for, hellogoodbye, cartel, new found glory.. and so it goes on.

But then I got more focused and I still loved music but it just was not a priority anymore. (Dont worry, this story has a happy ending)

As school was finishing up and I was finding myself stressed and lost I realized how much I miss music. I miss knowing random tiny underground bands. I miss having lyrics describe how I feel at basically all times. I miss having songs stuck in my head. And I do wish I had the shirt that says "I listen to bands you've never heard of". haha. So I have resolved to bring back that joy. Oh and part of this resolution came when I realized that Rufio was once again making music and has an album coming out in July. Hurray.

So I am back to purevolume and absolutepunk. I am back to looking up concerts, in fact - my graduation party will be at Kilby Court. Waking Ashland is doing a reunion show that night so since I would not miss that for anything I am bring my whole family there haha. It is my grad so I get to choose these things. Epic timing.

Perhaps my posts will start including lyrics or songs that haunt me more. Perhaps my blog will not be changed. All I know is that music changes everything. It sets the mood and creates ambiance. It helps people get through things, like pain, and stress and even those epically stellar moments.

So in honour of my love for music here are a few favourites for certain times. Enjoi.

Emo Days- And then I turned Seven (now called Jamestown Story)
Running- Fall Out Boy
Pre Snowboarding- Tegan and Sara
To create those happy moments- Motion City Soundtrack, White Tie Affair
For stress relief- Waking Ashland, We Shot the Moon, Regina Spektor
To fall asleep to- Death Cab for Cutie, Dashboard Confessional
When you wish you were in love, or perhaps are in love- Ingrid Michaelson, Ben Folds
When I need to laugh- Jesse McCartney and Jay Sean (note this works best if Soph is in the room)
For roadtrips- Britney Spears and Backstreet Boys and Taylor Swift (if Jenn is there)
Ultimate Breakup Song- Breakin' Up by Rilo Kiley

Music has gotten me through some of the worst days ever and I think that should be noted. I love my cds, and that they are alphabetized, and that I have to own a cd if I like the artist, yes I physically have to have the cd.

Let me thank absolute punk for their moto as it inspired todays blog post. So thank you.

Close Your Eyes and Count to Three

When you want something to go away or your are scared you close your eyes and count to three and then you go for it. You become brave and you step up.

So I am sitting here and closing my eyes and counting and hoping I can be brave. I have two more days to give it my all and hopefully it goes well and I graduate. I have two days to make my mark at BYU. And then I have to pave a future. I have spent the last 22 years following a path that basically seemed laid out for me. Going to University out of high school seemed natural. But nothing seems so apparently natural after university. I mean I want to get into grad school but thats still up in the air. And I want to teach Yoga but do I work somewhere or start a studio? Thats in the air too. So here I am. So close and so confused.

But its exciting! I can do anything I want. and trust me, I will. I plan on doing something epic. So as terrified as I am of the future I am basically stoked at the same time. So cross your fingers the next two days/two exams go well.

Love Kills More Brain Cells Than Crystal Meth

Thank you Veronica Mars for that lovely quote. Today I finished the last episode of Veronica Mars. It seems tragic not only because I love that show but because I fall asleep to it almost every night. I have a lot of trouble sleeping lately and it would tend to soothe me to sleep. So now to searching for a new sleep aid, which is no big deal as its finals time. I mean pure exhaustion should be what puts me to sleep the next few nights. So that issue will lay to rest for another day.

Just taking a quick moment to think on the title of todays thoughts. It is so true. Love makes you do the dumbest things. Just thinking about the stupid things I have said or done or thought would work because of love makes me laugh. So perhaps we can all find amusement in the stupidity that love brings, but not in a cynical way. Love is so beautiful and needs to be acknowledged as such. It just tends to kill common sense on its way to beauty, thats all.

Relationships are like Pokemon

It was about a whole decade ago that I had the greatest desire for a Gameboy. So I remember saving up and getting money for my birthday and when it rolled around my lovely Grandmother took me to buy a teal Gameboy Colour, and Pokemon blue. I was so pysched. I seriously loved playing Pokemon.

Then last year came and I found myself bored walking to and from school and between classes, so I began playing Pokemon as I walked. I will admit it, I was just as psyched to play as I had been years ago. I am super close to finishing the game actually, I just havent played in a few months. Perhaps after finals I will beat the League.

So heres the thing. I realized as I was writing a letter that relationships are just like Pokemon. While playing Pokemon you run into different Pokemon in so many places, the grass, buildings, caves, forests etc. And if you want to catch them you have to fight them, sometimes you overpower them, sometimes they get away, and sometimes you just dont want them. There are times you catch one and start training them and you find out they were not all you hoped for so you put them into storage and search for a different Pokemon. Then there are other times when you realize that they are your favourite and you train them so so so much and you love them.

It correlates so strongly in my mind. I find myself meeting people in so many different places, and you never know what will happen. There are times when I choose that its not someone I want to pursue and I walk away from it. Then there are times when I find myself so intrigued but the feelings are not mutual. And sometimes I think I have found what I am looking for and then I realize it wasnt what I expected or perhaps what I truly wanted, so I put it away and look for someone else. But sometimes you get lucky. You meet someone so special and it turns out that they feel the same way and they become a favourite, someone you grow to love and treasure.

So even though relationships are so ridiculously hard sometimes I at least find the ridiculousness to be understandable as I sit here and think of how I make sense of it all through Pokemon. Maybe video games are more beneficial than society gives them credit.

Reasons Why I need a Unicorn Named Justin

Sometimes you just need someone to talk things over with. When those big decisions hit you need that place of comfort and familiarity so you can make that big decision. As most life lessons, I can relate this to Scrubs. I need a unicorn like JD. He has Justin and sits on Justin for all major decisions. Why dont I have a unicorn? I do not know.

But as unicornless as I am I still have all of those big decisions. And I cant say I dont have my own Justins. Running provides such beauty and clarity, as does Yoga. But most often I can see the answers in my own writing. As I email Soph about the novel of my life each week or as I write Vicki another letter about life and my future I see the answers pouring out in front of me. Perhaps my letters to them provide little more than amusment or the feeling of me being there, but I know for me they bring the clarity that those 2 girls would give me if they were here. Sometimes its like I forget that I know whats best for me. Its so easy to remind someone else of their beauty and talents and yet so hard to see our own.

I should learn to take my own advice more.

I still would like a unicorn to name though and to sit on as I ponder the life decisions that are being thrown in my face. I am about to join the real world. The world outside of being at BYU. The world where I need a job and its up to me to be happy and to make all those decisions that make me happy. So here I am thinking of all of these life shaping decisons and I am unicornless. Why dont they make Toms with unicorns on them? I dont know. I was just thinking I would really adore them.

So theres the thing. I have running and yoga and writing to help me find the answers that JD sits on his unicorn for. Perhaps I am not as unicornless as I think. love.

I Wrote This Letter in My Head, Cuz so Many Things were Let Unsaid.

two posts in one day. Do not expect this often. They were just unrelated so instead of making some long neverending post I chose to write two. Plus this one is really one that needs to stand alone as its a little more indepth and meaningful to me.

I have a tendency to write. I like lists and notes and letters. I just like writing. Which is a huge reason why I blog. But I frequently find myself feeling compelled to write. Sometimes it leads to Vicki getting insanely long letters, or Soph getting emails that seem to neverend. But more often than not, it leads to me writing all those things I wish I could say to someone. Its those things I think and cant get out of my head. I write these letters in my head and somedays they just come out. Perhaps once I will send one.

I got thinking about it though today because yesterday I recieved a note that I felt like I had just been imagining. I wrote it from you to me in my head so many times because I wanted it to be real. And there it was. Scribbled on the back of an envelope from someone else. And for once the letters I wrote over and over and finally had one to send to you seemed to mean something.

I think there are two people that I find myself often writing to or about lately but I just dont send things. Its because you mean the world and I am too afraid to ruin that fragile balance we have. The scales are set so perfectly in our world of friendship and endless support. So because I like the stability and familiarity I may never get to sending you all the letters I write, or to saying all the things I think. But you will always know I care. I can guarantee that.

So I write these letters in my head, of all the things I leave unsaid.

Multiples of 11. Because today is not an Unbirthday.

Today is one of those days. Its not like the other 364 Unbirthdays I find myself having each year. And for the first time I am not home. I am still away at school. I pictured today being like most days, except a little greyer and drearier. I know, it paints a pathetic picture, however, I did have my emo music loving days in high school and I still know how to create those forlorn ideas.

I imagined being so alone. Spending the day in classes and work and doing homework. Except it would be worse than most days because it is supposed to be a special day. I set myself up for the letdown I so readily anticipated.

And then it came and was so beautiful! The beauty began with a bouquet of bright yellow flowers and a note wishing me a " Happy Birthday Sunshine". I felt so loved and well happy. These flowers definately evoke joy. And then I check that mailbox.. that one I religiously check each day just wishing there was something there. And it was different. There was 4, yes 4, envelopes for me! I was so psyched!

As I opened the most fitting present from Megs (along with a gorgeous card) this morning it began to hit. I was so far from being alone. Today was going to be a glorious day. I opened a handmade card from Jenn, reminding me of a present back home. A card full of missing me from Kaity- along with drawings Ajulo did. And then there is Spit, he chose out a little boys birthday card - and I couldnt have loved it more! I opened Mums card early and it was Dr Seuss. So it obviously fit perfectly.

And then there were those people that were too far away. Like little Soph. Cairo is so far.. but she wouldnt forget about me! I got the most killer email this morning. I think if all I had received today was that email- well it would have still been a perfect day. She has a way of making me feel so loved. And Sanchez. Oh Vicki, I am ready for you to come home. But since she is still a missionary I really didnt even think she would remember my day of birth. Who am I kidding. She sent the sickest letter. So yay.

Kaity and I are doing dinner etc this evening and well basically you can see today is so special. I likely have the most loving family and friends. So thanks. Thats all. I thought today would just be dreary and it feels like the sun is just living over my face today.
love.

Hurray for multiples of 11.

ps happy belated michael.

It's all in the Name.

Do you ever name inanimate objects? I definately do. When I own something and it becomes important to me or has sentimental value etc it often finds itself named. For example, my ipod- spartacus, my camera- layla, my snowboard- rory, longboard- brodan. You see, I name things. And the name indicates something. Spartacus makes me think of That thing you Do, which correlates to music, hence my Ipod. When I bought my lovely Nikon SLR I was a huge fan of Flyleaf and Layla is a name in my favourtie Flyleaf song. And so goes the naming game.

Here I am. Two years to the day from when I was in the hospital having a procedure to eliminate the pain I was in. Two years ago I couldn't imagine how incredible pain free my life would be, and how much that would change everything. My perspective changed, my countenance changed, I grew up, I recognized benefits of trial and error and technology and patience. Two years ago things changed. And as I tend to name things, I have 'Molly' to thank for these great two years. Molly because it makes me think of something so sweet and innocent and caring, something that does everything it can to make your life better.

Unrelated Sidenote.
Most of my friends say the best two years of their life was a mission,
I think the last 2 years have been my best as I have learned and grown the most.

2:18:52

2 Hours. 18 Minutes. 52 Seconds.

What can you do in that amount of time? More importantly, what do you choose to do?

I chose to run a half marathon. Holla! I found out my time today and I was pretty much psyched. It may be enough motivation to have me do another, I am still too sore to run, mostly my knee just aches. No big. But I am pretty sure I want to do another. Aim for like 2 hours.

But here is the thing. What am I really doing with my life? I can't even begin to tell you the amount of time I have wasted. Two hours here watching Veronica Mars, two hours there facebook stalking, two hours just doing nothing of importance. But don't get me wrong. There is another side to it. There have been countless 2 hour times when I was talking to a friend, or studying, or working, or volunteering. I just feel like I should more consciously be trying to make each 2:18:52 count.

So I resolve, just to myself you know, to make it count. I want to be able to look back and laugh and smile thinking of what I did for those 2:18:52, like I do when I think of monday.
love.