As the Walls Come Crashing Down

Do you ever feel like you are builidng your life, like a building. Each accomplishment is another carefully laid piece in your masterpiece. And then something happens and you realize your building is a glass house. Its like you have been working on this carefully hidden masterpiece for so long that you forgot it was not hidden. Its as if someone has unveiled it. And there you are, scared and feeling so small amidst these accomplishments, with your life just on display in your little glass building.

I think that is the best way to describe how I feel. But then add it feels like the walls are falling down. Its all so overwhelming and frightening, yet beautiful. As you stop and see your accomplishments all piecing together and seeing that they actually mean something and you are doing something.

I have been back in Calgary for just over a week and I will be the first to say its a gong show, and sometimes its just really hard. Dont get me wrong, I love it. Calgary is of course my home. I love the familiarity of the hospital, like my first morning back when I ran into Mo, he delivers packages and he stopped and asked how school was. There is just so much about that place that screams comfort, as it should after 6 years. And then there have already been the days out with friends which have been lovely.

Then opposite to it all I have felt so vulnerable lately. I feel like my life is on display. Like people are just sitting there watching and waiting, expecting me to do something miraculous. But with the word 'conditional' still in play its not like I can rejoice about grad school, yet. So its hard. I know people have always expected me to do something big with my life, but that stresses me out sometimes. I will do something, and it will make me happy but I wish there werent so many people watching and counting on it. I dont like the spotlight much. In fact, I hate feeling on display. Plus at the instability of life here and the emotional damage following each of us like a shadow, and well, as you can guess the vulnerability is just exposed.

So as I sit here on my bed thinking about how I feel weighed down from five weeks of trying to put up walls someone else knocked down, I realize I am down. I am ready to let the walls fall and rebuild. I was already on the path of making my own life, and grad school, if it goes through this week etc etc, well that is just another way that I have been building those walls on my own. So world, if you must stop and watch, please realize as each wall comes down and breaks on me I am just going to get up and build something more beautiful. C'est la vie.