When I first started writing in this context I had a very dear friend who was separated by two hands from me which is probably why we became so close. He had years of wisdom and life and we connected. As time progressed I wondered if I could ever find anyone more suited for me. He had everything I had ever looked for except for one thing. And everyone has to compromise. No one gets what their ideal. So I wondered if I should compromise. I mean our difference was religion. Nothing major right?
I soon learned that I wasn't sure I could compromise on that. I wasn't sure I could have everything but I thought that maybe I needed to not be feeling like I was arguing about my beliefs for the rest of forever. So I resigned myself to letting go and assuming I would have to dwindle my list of wants in a man.
I began to just date whoever. One thing in common is all that you need right? I dont think I even know what a real relationship was. I just knew that when I thought I met people that were right they werent so I stopped trying to meet people like that.
And then in one moment I realized that I didnt have to compromise at all. That I could have everything I wanted. That I did. I want to say I knew before this moment but I think that would be lying. I had known I liked you, obviously as at this point we were dating but I just hadnt thought about it. I didnt think oh hey you have someone that has everything you could have ever wrote on your checklist. It just was there. We were just something. And then you showed up with a dozen roses with thorns. The day was supposed to be about your family, about a wedding. And yet you showed up with roses because you knew the girls had just left hours before. You knew I was struggling. I didnt have to say anything. You just knew I needed something and you wanted me to feel cared about. And in that moment when I saw you at the door with roses I knew. I have everything I could have ever wanted. I never wanted roses without thorns, they feel too fake, they arent the whole thing. I just wanted something real and someone real to be with. And now I have a dozen dried roses that I may just keep forever.
16 February 2013
It Has Been A Week
One week. I havent heard a word. I kept so busy. And now I am sitting here on my bed letting it sink it. I havent seen my girls in a whole week. I havent heard their voices. I havent held them. I havent gotten to tell them I love them to the moon and back. They are gone. And I cant not replay our last moments together.
The tears started the moment we stepped in the car. I couldn't stop them. And I wanted to be supportive and I tried but all I felt was my heart breaking. I sat at the table and stared into space. You played and had no idea. We gave you giant kinder eggs and had one last goodbye. The tears poured. I told you both that I would love you forever. And we left.
I hate how much it hurts. I hate letting go. But I wouldn't give up my time with them if I knew how much it would hurt in the end. They were more than foster sisters. They were my sisters. And I will love them forever.
It still hurts. It still feels like they were just taken. I still want to cry. My chest tightens. I bought a pillow that says "Love you to the moon and back" to remind me of them. It is hard not to be reminded of them. I find pictures they drew everywhere. I keep the fox Soph drew for me in my wallet. She knew that I wanted a pet fox so randomly drew me one one night. They were so thoughtful and loving. They were such a part of our lives. I forgot what a void appears when you lose something or someone so important. I feel a little lost. I have no one to take me to the beauty salon with selective hours and do my hair and makeup. I have no one to watch little bear and the Bernstein bears with. I havent read a kids book all week. I havent stood outside the school talking to the other mothers about random things. I just feel a little lost. I just dont think much compares to that kind of love. Going to work doesnt come close to filling that void. Work is a job. Loving the girls was my life. I miss them so much and just pray that they know that I will still love them every single day for the rest of forever.
The tears started the moment we stepped in the car. I couldn't stop them. And I wanted to be supportive and I tried but all I felt was my heart breaking. I sat at the table and stared into space. You played and had no idea. We gave you giant kinder eggs and had one last goodbye. The tears poured. I told you both that I would love you forever. And we left.
I hate how much it hurts. I hate letting go. But I wouldn't give up my time with them if I knew how much it would hurt in the end. They were more than foster sisters. They were my sisters. And I will love them forever.
It still hurts. It still feels like they were just taken. I still want to cry. My chest tightens. I bought a pillow that says "Love you to the moon and back" to remind me of them. It is hard not to be reminded of them. I find pictures they drew everywhere. I keep the fox Soph drew for me in my wallet. She knew that I wanted a pet fox so randomly drew me one one night. They were so thoughtful and loving. They were such a part of our lives. I forgot what a void appears when you lose something or someone so important. I feel a little lost. I have no one to take me to the beauty salon with selective hours and do my hair and makeup. I have no one to watch little bear and the Bernstein bears with. I havent read a kids book all week. I havent stood outside the school talking to the other mothers about random things. I just feel a little lost. I just dont think much compares to that kind of love. Going to work doesnt come close to filling that void. Work is a job. Loving the girls was my life. I miss them so much and just pray that they know that I will still love them every single day for the rest of forever.
09 February 2013
The Most Bittersweet of Days
Two hours. They told you it was an adoption party. It will be one of the hardest goodbyes of my life. I thought I would have run out of tears by now. I havent. I look at your beautiful faces and I smile. I love you both so incredibly much. More than to the moon and back. And I have to let you go. I hate the system. So many children go to homes they shouldnt. I know you will be taken care of. They arent the worst. I just know I love you more than they ever could. I love you for all of the right reasons. So I dont want to say goodbye. I dont want to let you leave my life.
I am sorry that I cannot control it. The tears just come because of my love. But today you get to move in with two siblings, biological. The system says that is the best. You have a long road ahead but I hope you can look at the photo album of us and listen to the curious george story we recorded and hear our voices and remember us. I dont see the bigger picture. I dont understand the plan. I just have to find some faith and know you werent meant to stay. I just dont want you to ever forget how brave and strong and amazing and loved you are.
So in two hours I will go to McDonalds. I will look at them and try so hard not to be angry that they get you forever and I dont. I will smile at you through the tears. I will ask for too many hugs and I will leave sad. I will then go to a wedding and watch two people vow their lives together. How can one day be so full of loss and new beginnings all at once?
I wish I could just control my tears now and let them out now before you wake up. But I cant. And I dont do well with goodbyes. So I am sorry. I only cry because I love you. Today it will feel like we are the saddest house on earth because we love you so much. And I will probably feel this emptiness linger. But you are young. You are two resilient girls. And you will be okay. And maybe one day you will come and find us.
I love you infiniti to the moon and back.
I am sorry that I cannot control it. The tears just come because of my love. But today you get to move in with two siblings, biological. The system says that is the best. You have a long road ahead but I hope you can look at the photo album of us and listen to the curious george story we recorded and hear our voices and remember us. I dont see the bigger picture. I dont understand the plan. I just have to find some faith and know you werent meant to stay. I just dont want you to ever forget how brave and strong and amazing and loved you are.
So in two hours I will go to McDonalds. I will look at them and try so hard not to be angry that they get you forever and I dont. I will smile at you through the tears. I will ask for too many hugs and I will leave sad. I will then go to a wedding and watch two people vow their lives together. How can one day be so full of loss and new beginnings all at once?
I wish I could just control my tears now and let them out now before you wake up. But I cant. And I dont do well with goodbyes. So I am sorry. I only cry because I love you. Today it will feel like we are the saddest house on earth because we love you so much. And I will probably feel this emptiness linger. But you are young. You are two resilient girls. And you will be okay. And maybe one day you will come and find us.
I love you infiniti to the moon and back.
06 February 2013
Packing Your Boxes
Tomorrow is the family session of grief counseling Grief. I have said the word so many times in the last two weeks it sounds wrong and I am not even sure I know what it means anymore. It feels strange to grieve when no one has passed away. I understand the tears and aching of a loss at a funeral but this isnt that. I wish I loved less.
I packed five boxes today. When she asked me if I could while she was at work it felt like daggers to my heart. I mumbled that I would try. When I woke up and saw the boxes I realized if I didnt start the packing she would have to and it would hurt her more than it would me. I mean I love them like my own daughters but they are truly sisters, they are children to her. They filled that void when we were away at school and she was feeling so lost. So I suppose I feel like I cant grieve too much to my mother because her pain is deeper.
Two days plus a few hours of goodbying, It isnt enough. I gave up on discipline this week. The tantrums had escalated and I realized I wouldnt be making behavioural changes and that they just didnt understand why they were sad and angry. So I just resorted to long hugs and repeatedly saying I love you until the tears and kicking stopped. I wish I could explain their sadness to them but I know I need to be supportive of their new life. I hold back the tears as I hug them and they say they will miss me when they are gone. They have no idea.
I dont know how many more times I will be able to love children and let them go. I just want to keep them all. I just want them to know I love them every single day. I think I am finally beginning to truly understand what being a parent means. And it is so scary and beautiful. But I am not ready for it. I need to understand grief first and let myself be sad when my two angels leave before I will be ready to love again. At least thats how I feel right now.
I packed five boxes today. When she asked me if I could while she was at work it felt like daggers to my heart. I mumbled that I would try. When I woke up and saw the boxes I realized if I didnt start the packing she would have to and it would hurt her more than it would me. I mean I love them like my own daughters but they are truly sisters, they are children to her. They filled that void when we were away at school and she was feeling so lost. So I suppose I feel like I cant grieve too much to my mother because her pain is deeper.
Two days plus a few hours of goodbying, It isnt enough. I gave up on discipline this week. The tantrums had escalated and I realized I wouldnt be making behavioural changes and that they just didnt understand why they were sad and angry. So I just resorted to long hugs and repeatedly saying I love you until the tears and kicking stopped. I wish I could explain their sadness to them but I know I need to be supportive of their new life. I hold back the tears as I hug them and they say they will miss me when they are gone. They have no idea.
I dont know how many more times I will be able to love children and let them go. I just want to keep them all. I just want them to know I love them every single day. I think I am finally beginning to truly understand what being a parent means. And it is so scary and beautiful. But I am not ready for it. I need to understand grief first and let myself be sad when my two angels leave before I will be ready to love again. At least thats how I feel right now.
04 February 2013
Under The Weather
The last week had excessively sporadic weather. It reminded me I was home. I don't feel that there are many places that can go from -35 to -5 in a day. And let me tell you, that -5 was light sweater weather, the kind of outfit you would see me wearing in 20 degrees in Australia. Oh how things change, except my clothes, they still just are tights and tops.
I can't blame the weather but I perhaps an blame my infamously awful immune system for my last 36 hours in bed. I have felt so under the weather it is ridiculous. It's one of those cold/flu things where you just ache and have zero energy and walk around like an old person. And the worst part is I know I am stressed and can't exactly change it so it has completely made me vulnerable to get and stay sick.
It is the last week. Five days and maybe two hours or less to say goodbye. Part of me wants to stay with them every second and the rest of me wants to live my tiny life this week so it will hurt the slightest bit less on Saturday. There is no solution. The social system is broken. Children are being placed in homes they shouldn't be and children live in homes they shouldn't. And in a sense I feel like I have to accept it, I can't change the whole system. All I can do is love every child that comes into my life and hope that someone they remember that love one day.
I really would like to be a little less under the weather and a little more enjoying the weather this week because I don't want my girls to miss a thing. I want them to be reminded of how much we love them and always will. I wish I saw the greater picture. But I don't. At all. So all I can is try and stress less and find even more of me to love them because they need it.
I can't blame the weather but I perhaps an blame my infamously awful immune system for my last 36 hours in bed. I have felt so under the weather it is ridiculous. It's one of those cold/flu things where you just ache and have zero energy and walk around like an old person. And the worst part is I know I am stressed and can't exactly change it so it has completely made me vulnerable to get and stay sick.
It is the last week. Five days and maybe two hours or less to say goodbye. Part of me wants to stay with them every second and the rest of me wants to live my tiny life this week so it will hurt the slightest bit less on Saturday. There is no solution. The social system is broken. Children are being placed in homes they shouldn't be and children live in homes they shouldn't. And in a sense I feel like I have to accept it, I can't change the whole system. All I can do is love every child that comes into my life and hope that someone they remember that love one day.
I really would like to be a little less under the weather and a little more enjoying the weather this week because I don't want my girls to miss a thing. I want them to be reminded of how much we love them and always will. I wish I saw the greater picture. But I don't. At all. So all I can is try and stress less and find even more of me to love them because they need it.
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