Sunday Routine.

You get home from your visit at 730.

We put in Peter Pan.

You get us 2 bananas.

We get my dinosaur blanket.

And we lay on mums bed and watch the first hour.

Then mum notices I have kept you up too late again and she puts you to bed.

We love Sunday nights.

Over Vietnamese I made the Bet to end all Bets

It was just a lovely lunch. Catching up. Candid conversation. Everything you could ask for in a perfect lunch. And then it happened. You said you wanted to make a bet. I thought it was a joke, but you were persistant and then chose what you wanted.

If I lose, I have to fly you to Australia to see me.

If I win, you have to fly me to Europe so I can backpack after I graduate.

I hope you dont cry when you have to pay for my flight. There is no way I am losing this one.

A,B,C,T,U,V,W,X,Y,Z

Sometimes things are missing in life. Today it was all of the charts between C and T. Which has left me so overly confused about how awkward the filing is in that office. C'est la vie.

But as most things, I feel like there is more to it. This doesnt just have to be about the mess of an office with major components of the alphabet just entirely missing I feel like it can be about my life. Sometimes I feel like things are so complete, but to the outside eye the view is so different. There are always gaps in our lives that seem so blatantly obvious to others but are residing entirely in our blindspot. I think I can see a lot of room for self improvement. So I am trying to take that perspective of an awkward outsider so I can see those wholes screaming for reasoning and longing to be filled.

I suppose these two months of transition are going to provide a lot of enlightening opportunities. Even through I was not really planning on that, but I suppose that is how life works. So I am off to find my missing letters of the alphabet. xo.

I Heard A Rumour About Writing Down Goals for People to See

So I read a lot of random things about goal setting, and becoming your best self, and about changing to become the changes you wish to see in the world. Perhaps this is because I read some yoga literature, perhaps its because I just find people recommend those sorts of books to me, or perhaps its because I like those books most. Regardless, I read them and often feel a huge super strong desire to become better. So here is me taking one little baby step towards becoming my best self.

Goal Setting.

I am becoming committed to this goal so I am writing it down Feel free to remind me of it and threaten to punch me if I am not following through (please do not for real punch me, I am fragile, xo).

Goal. Get in shape, mentally, physically and emotionally, before moving to school.

Completion Date. November 14, 2010 (estimated departure date)

Breaking it down.

• Getting back up to 9 mile runs by running 4 times a week
• Getting back to a regular 6 day a week yoga practice (starting with meditation until I hit 4 weeks post op)
• Cutting out sweets and going more organic, salads, fruits, etc ( we all know I prefer that anyways, its just pure laziness on my part when I falter all the time)
• journal at least 3 times a week for my emotional well-being.

I know these may seem basic to some people, or ridiculous or whatever. But these are those little goals that when I am on top of them I am really truly more happy. And I kinda want to find my best and most content and most peaceful self. So in striving to be my best me I am going to work on these things. And I am so hoping that this blog entry will make me more motivated.

So here goes nothing. Tomorrow is day one of dedicating more time and effort and love to myself. xo

Influence. (How my life has been shaped through music not of my own)

I believe that music is paramountly influential. And because of this belief I would like to record a few artists that have shaped me and the reasons for their beautiful influence.

First off, Jonathan Jones. Not only is he an incredible musician he has also become a dear friend that I love to see. His solo album as well as both of his major bands, Waking Ashland and We Shot The Moon, have been major players in my musical life. I find his soothing voice and the integration of keyboard to be calming and to bring about the same peace they first brought in high school when I fell in love with Waking Ashland. Basically, I love that music and it only holds good memories that expand across many years.

Regina Spektor. This last year I have really gravitated towards her music as I find that her voice really touches me. Also half of her songs make me laugh and the other half seem to evoke emotion. She first came into my musical scene after "Us" was the most perfect song for "500 Days of Summer" to open to. So I love her.

Tegan and Sara. Possibly the artists that have wrote a soundtrack of my life, at least it feels that way. I mean I have been following their music for the last 5 plus years and never been disappointed. Also this year it was my snowboarding music. Sainthood could not have better prepared me for days on the mountain. xo.

Houston Calls. Although with only two albums they broke up I have fallen in love with so many of their songs I really have nothing to complain about. Bob and Bonnie will likely be my wedding song since for me it depicts an ideal relationship. But I think more in general their music is real, it talks about real experiences and I can think of crappy relationships, or good ones, or close friends. It just speaks to me.

Death Cab for Cutie. If there was just one band that I had to choose that has wrote songs about all of my inner most feelings this would be it. Death Cab touches on the things people are often scared to say, or the tragedies that we try to hide from. Thinking about death or falling into a drifting relationship, or settling in marriage are all hard things, but they are so thought out and explored along with so many other topics that Death Cab will always have a piece of my heart.

Dashboard Confessional. Yes I have seen Chris Carrabba play several times and I do love his music but it has been a rough journey for us. I was indifferent, then loved it, then hated it because of an ex then learned to re-love it. So dashboard, your songs are great for mellow days, yoga and sometimes helping me sleep. Thank you.

And Then I Turned Seven. This little known emo band, now known as Jamestown Story, will always be a favourite of mine. Yah, the music is pretty emo, but I love it. I love the outpouring of emotion, the pain, the aching, the tragedy. I personally like to know that someone else has felt as low as I have, that someone else knows what loss, and death and depression can feel like, but that there is hope. I find their music inspiring, always.

Motion City Soundtrack. I dont even know when motion city became such a huge part of my life, but it did. I love them live, I love their cds and I love memories involving them. Warped with Sanchez was ideal and they were my main reason for being there. I mean I just feel inspired and psyched when listening to their songs. And their allusions are fabulous. A band that should not be overlooked, ever.

This post is so not comprehensive, and yet I feel it is complete. Theses artists have literally changed my life with their music. I hope someday I can change someones life like they have changed mine. I have felt love, inspiration, hope, empathy and most other beautiful things through their music. And this is why I love music so much.

A Little Green Eyed Monster

I dont think I ever really have thought of myself as a way jealous person. I mean, perhaps in relationships, but not in general. But then sometimes events happen and I realize I am not the bigger person. Sorry. I am really trying. And usually its not that I want to be in someone elses shoes, I dont, I just wonder why similar situations are not occuring in my life. This year I have had so many loved ones get engaged, get married, get pregnant, have babies, travel, study abroad and do beautiful humanitarian work. And for the most part I was just psyched out of my mind for them. But I will admit, there have been a few moments where its like, shoot, I wish I was in that position.

So today I am making a very conscious effort to be happy with where I am at, and not compare it to where anyone else is. Feeling that little green eyed monster eating away at my soul is most likely not healthy, so this seems like a better approach. So I am content with working and getting to play for 2 months, I am content with at least one roadtrip, and possibly two prospects before I go. I am content with planning a trip to Disneyland with just my sisters and I am content with how well life is healing, physically and emotionally.

In Loving Memory.

Heather Beck.

In the heartache of loss I think its important to remember the beauty of life and the memories you will have forever. We lived so far apart our whole lives but we were cousins, so that meant when we saw each other it was always special.

I am pretty sure my favourite memory with you would have to be when we were down visiting and you had bought a cotton candy machine and would sit at the kitchen table making us cotton candy. It was amazing. And I always remember that you had lemonheads, and since they were american I would only have them when I was at your place. Or when you came up to visit and you loved Metallica so much and would tell me all about them. Or when we picked you up in Utah and we went for dinner. Or just playing at your house when we would come down.

I wish we had spent more time together. I wish we had been closer. But I cant go back and change any of it. I am just glad that we had the chance to reconnect a little before we lost you.

I love you. And your memories will live on.

Those Little, Perfect, Moments

On just the day when life as I knew it seemed to be crumbling into a warped mess I realized what mattered.

David stood for the first time all by himself! And when he realized he could do it he kept trying it.

And Ajulo told me she was so proud of me for finding something, and she brought fruit snacks for me to the game.

And I watched my little sister Kaity at her first high school volleyball game, and Matt even came.

And Meg filled my car with gas cuz she was so happy that I do her homework with her every night for her online class.

And Mum and I went shopping and I could finally wear Lululemon tank tops.

All of these things happened in just one day. So screw mediation and realizing you think your pension is more important than a real relationship with us. You missed all of those little things, and those are the little, perfect, moments that matter most. I would rather be poor forever and not be missing out. And maybe one day I will be brave enough to say that to your face.

True Friends Stab You In the Front - Oscar Wilde

I love Wiki How-To.

Seriously. I read it everytime there is a new one on my igoogle. Which is multiple times a day.

Along with my thought process of secrecy that was mentioned in my earlier post today I think this How-To is an ideal fit. How-to Detox a friendship.

I think so many people get in toxic friendships and are too scared to bail, or fall back into them because they dont want to be alone. There are so many reasons, its the same as staying in a toxic relationship. What an informative How-To. I thoroughly enjoyed it. So if you want some thought provoking reading here is a link.

http://www.wikihow.com/Detox-a-Friendship

I think it is important to recognize when a friendship is weighing you down and bringing grief and stress instead of that calm and peaceful sensation friendships should bring. I am not saying "oh just give up on them and cut all ties" I am just thinking its good to stop and look at where things are at. Its nice to have lots of friends but for me, I like having a few close friends instead of many random acquaintances whom I never talk to.

Friend Inventory.

If its toxic- are you going to say something and try and mend it, or move on? Just be sure of your choice and go with it. If moving on, move on. Delete them on fb and in your phone. Fb friend purging is a favourite of mine. I see no point in having people look at my life when we dont talk in real life. So take a few minutes, do inventory, and mend those failing friendships. Remove animosity. I kinda feel like a hippie in some ways but I really do like just peace.

So thank you to those people that have been willing to stab me in the front and make me a better person. I appreciate all of the times people have helped detox me. And au revoir to those that I have moved on from. I still love you, just from a distance now.

Can You Keep a Secret?

Sophie Kinsella.

What an enjoyable book. I love reading. I really do but I get so caught up in life that I forget to sit and read. So Jenn brought over a HUGE bag full of books and said I had to at least read this one while I was sitting around this week. I picked it up last night and am almost done it. It is the perfect combination of humour, reality and story. I am so intrigued.

It makes me stop and think, okay, most things make me stop and think. Pretty much everything does that to me. Perhaps this is coming from me having a lot of time on my hands for thinking, or because I am trying to really figure out who I am. I dont know. Regardless, Can You Keep A Secret? really has me thinking.

Is it best to keep little secrets? Do you know that you really have met someone you will keep in your life forever when you let those secrets out? What is the value of a secret? Why do we keep secrets? Are people really that afraid of the truth and of letting other people in that we feel we have to hid ourselves?

So as I finished my book I fell for the fairtytale in it, I loved the love, I loved the sharing, I loved the humour. I was captivated. And because of this captivation I began to think of my little secrets, the ones that I have told people. The times secrets have been swapped, like little treasures. And reality shows that those times are the times I built the strongest bonds. When I let people see the real me in every detail I felt closest to them.

So here goes. I am going to share a few small things that will shed light on the inner workings of me. And hopefully it will make you smile or laugh or feel some kind of connection with me as I strive to break the barrier or false impressions and hidden reality in my life.

I am fascinated with love stories because I wonder if anything like that could ever be real.
I have had a spider plant since grade 4 and I am still scared that it attracts spiders.
I dont like dreaming because my dreams often are vivid and stressful.
I am scared to go to a public university.

I know its not much. But I think every little thing you share makes your relationships with people more real. Most secrets are kept out of fear and I dont think fear should rule my life so I think my future will contain less secrets.

With Sharpie Lines and x's Across My Chest I Feel Like A Map

Well here I am. Home. Slightly drugged up. And covered in Sharpie markings. Oh and in pain. But these are all likely outcomes of surgery. So moving on.

The last few days I have felt extra grateful for some specific people. So here is a public thank you.

Thank you Mum for being there the whole time. You have been there for more than I could have even hoped for. In those moments of fear or when I am about to collapse you are so calm and right there, no matter where that is. So thank you. I love you. Even though I know you thought I was perfect without surgery I appreciate your love.

Megs. You hate vomitting and blood and yet I woke up and then you were there. And you brought me a great gossip magazine and my favourite chocolates. I hope you realize how much I love you and I just wish I could do more for you.

Kaity. Sometimes I think you hate watching stupid shows on tv with me, but you always pretend you do because you know I like them So I love you! Plus I swear you have gotten me like 100 cups of water since you dont want me carrying things.


So as I lay here wondering why recovery takes so long I realize that sometimes I forget how blessed I am. Sometimes I get caught up in the sadness and pain of you walking away and I forget that everyone else stayed. And thats what matters most right now. So for those of you who didnt know before, my mum and 2 sisters are my life. And I love them more than anything.

A Haircut to accompany a new life.

A request or two for haircut photos has been made.
consider this your request being processed.
love always.

Dasvedanya

I dont know why but everytime I think of saying goodbye I think of the Russian word Dasvedanya- til we meet again. I read it in some book I think in English class in grade 9. So basically forever ago. And I dont even remember what the book was but I just remember the lady saying Dasvedanya and telling the boy that it was not goodbye, just til they met again. So for the last few years I have found myself in far too many farewell situations and Dasvedanya is always that instinctive thought.

The last few days brought about a whole new breed of farewells, and anyone that knows me really well knows that farewells and I do not mix. I get super emotional and have a hard time actually letting go and saying my well wishes when I know I wont see someone for an extended period of time. I dont know why it is, I just really struggle with it.

But the time finally came where I have graduated from BYU and am moving back to Canada for a little bit. And that meant saying goodbye to the city that has been my home for the last 4 years, saying goodbye to a place full of memories, love and best friends. And once I got back home it hit, I had left it all behind. The tears flowed and I realized it was real, I didnt live there anymore, I didnt go to that school anymore, I was somewhere else.

Dasvedanya is how I have to think of it thought, I will see all of you again. It just might not be right away. If I thought of it as goodbye it would be too hard. I wouldnt have been able to leave. And reality is some goodbyes felt nearly impossible to leave. Some left me out late into the night because I couldnt stand to think I wouldnt see you again. And some left me crying as I read farewell texts full of love.

So Dasvedanya my dear Provo friends. I love you. And miss you already. So, uhm if you want to come visit me in July I will be in Canada for the Stampede.. just an open invitation there.

Dasvedanya - til we meet again.

ps Some goodbyes last week were permanent. You are in a better place now, and I will keep telling myself that until it doesnt hurt. I love you, and you are missed.