Religion on a Monday?

I expect things to happen. I dont trust people because I know that people always leave. Only sometimes do they come back. I know that so much is out of my control. So my mind gets spinning and I forget about what I can control. I get so focused on obligations and waiting games that I just let myself get overwhelmed and I cease to function as me. I dont know how this starts. Or even when. My mind is perpetually going. I just get lost in it. My thoughts become me. And then nothing becomes useful or productive.

So I am trying to change. Like usual. As if I havent said that a million times. But maybe I just am always reminding myself to try harder. I just want to be better. To be someone that other people can look up. To make a difference. To love myself. So I am trying harder. And I think the biggest part of this for me is religion.

I know I dont often write about my beliefs and it isnt because its a big secret cult. I am not into white supremacy  It is just because its sacred. What I believe is everything to me. But because of that I should want to share it more. So it is probably just the usual fear sort of thing. No one likes sharing something special and having dodgeballs thrown at it. But I think today I feel brave.

I am getting ready to take a bigger step in my life. No, there is not a ring involved. I am getting ready to go through the temple and in my church thats a something you prepare for your whole life. We sing songs as children about someday going to the temple. And like other churches, the temple is a sacred place. So in my preparation I am trying to draw closer to the Lord. To trust him more and believe in a plan. To not let my faith falter so much as I struggle to learn from my trials. I am becoming better because I am coming closer to our Saviour. I am recognizing that there is so much more than me but to see that I have to be able to accept who I am and to want to become the best I can be.

So I have been listening and reading more from what we call General Conference, is this thing that happens twice a year where we get to hear from the Prophet and the Apostles, if you havent heard of it you should check it out. Its pretty cool. But mostly it is inspiring. It gives me strength. And reminds me that I am not alone.

I want to be someone that means something. I want to make a difference, and I think I am finally realizing that will happen by becoming more Christlike. By getting a bit further out of my head and becoming a little more aware and tolerant of everything else.

The Not Monumental Kind of Achievements

I am not getting married. Or having a baby. Or buying a dog. Or going somewhere crazy. I am just living. And sometimes I think I forget that is enough.

Lately the world around me seems so overwhelmed with life events. I look around and I see others lives changing in those large monumental ways. And I question so much. I wonder why things in my life arent being monumentous. But I think they are, just in the Lauren way.

Let me explain. For me making friends and new situations are a struggle. I am awkward and shy and reserved and I get self conscious far too easily. So after one attempt at being friendly at my workplace gym went awry I reminded myself that I didnt need friends there. And then the world reminded me I was wrong. It wasnt my doing at all. Maybe I smiled once or something but she introduced herself and a week later we have all of our workouts sorted into who plans them and what we are doing. It is amazing. Not just because she destroys me with her exercises but because I feel like I have branched out. And it isnt one of those things where we are hello friends. We are real friends. The kind that bring chocolates when the other has a breakup. The ones that talk about love and life and kids.

So maybe there isnt a ring on my finger. And maybe I am not having a baby. Or starting a new career. Or travelling. Or doing anything that seems huge. But I am super stoked about my little accomplishment of leaving my own space and letting someone in.  Gold star for me.

Fragility

You dont know what you have til its gone.

At least that is was people tell me. I am the kind of girl that wants what I cant have. All the time. If you tell me I cant have something and I think its stupid before that, I will then think it is awesome. I just get antsy. I cant handle things being the same. I like progression and change, as much as I hate change I like it more than stagnant waters.

Lately I have just realized how we dont have guarantees. People leave. People die. We change and our lives move on and we never know how long we have something or someone. And I just want to start being more aware of that. Being more grateful for what I have today because I never know when things might change again.

Its been twenty nine months since I was last in Utah, a place I called home for four long years. And I often wonder why I didnt treasure it more, why I didnt see everything and everyone when I could. So I am going back. I am going to try and see all of those people that shaped my life there. To sit in Juice n Java and remember what life was like there. To remember who I was. I just dont want to keep taking advantage of things, I want to appreciate them.

I suppose loss has triggered this. I look around and its so easy to see people hurting. To realize how quickly it all changes and to recognize that I have so much that I will miss if I lose it. I am a really lucky girl. I dont always see it, especially when it comes to the everyday struggles like finances and careers and coordinating my life, but I am. I cant imagine what I would do without my mother, and my grandma and my lover. There is so much I take for granted.

So I have been trying to appreciate these things, mostly the people I have. I dont want to wait til something is gone before I realize how much it means. I want to change, to be better than that.

Grown Up Heroes

As a child I remember looking up to adults and thinking of them as heroes. They could do so many things I couldnt! And then as I got older I looked to those with more vintage still, I recognized that with age came quite a lot of wisdom. But once again this thinking seems to have changed. At some point I seemed to not have become aware of the fact that my heroes were my peers. They are the grown ups that are still basically grasshoppers but the way they lead their lives is so much more.

I want to start with JD. JD is not her real name. I wish it was. She has been someone I have looked up to for many years now. I first met her awkwardly in our apartment, I was unpacking and we said hello from down the hall. It was awful. And now I respect and admire her more than anything. JD has always been strong. She used to be crazy but I think at 19 we all were. We had boys to write letters to and everything changed our world. And then we grew up. She got married. She had a girl that was taken from her and yet her faith and strength never wavered. She was the last person to see me before I moved across the world. And she was the person I cried with while watching scrubs when my world fell apart. JD is inspiring. It doesnt matter what trial she is faced with she always turns to the Lord. She knows how to laugh and cry and has a heart bigger than the grinches post growth. I want to be like JD when I grow up.

I cant stop there though.

I knew Jojo was someone I respected when I first met her. I didnt really know her but she was going off to get married one weekend and I told her if she came back all weird then it was over, I wouldnt talk to her anymore. This would have been an issue as we were coworkers. But I had seen it happen too many times and was tired of having married friends that were basically zombies. So I set the rule. She came back as weird as she was when she left, and I have loved her ever since. She is the one I look to for love advice. Her and her husband have been what reminds me that people are meant to be together. That love happens. But that isnt all, she is selfless. She loves me when I dont know how to love myself and makes me laugh when I want to cry. Jojo is almost a mother of two now but I feel like it should be three as I dont know what to do without her even though she is barely older than me.

I could go on but not for today. In less than 40 days I get to see these two beautiful women. They are all grown up now and I still feel like a child even though our ages span nothing different in the big picture. They are the women that put their families and the Lord first and themselves second. They love unconditionally and remind me that I can I be better.

Sometimes we grow up and realize that the strongest people we know are really just our best friends. I couldnt be more blessed.

Glimpses Inside the Chaos

I suppose this is a point that requires introspection. It makes me wonder why the tears flow. The looking within started in a parking lot last night. We were supposed to have milkshakes. Instead I just cried. As you held me it all came out. I am so scared. And I know I shouldnt be, but I am.

It was almost 6 years ago the first time a doctor told me I may never have kids. It was like a bullet to my heart. And the thought of that has haunted me since. Even with encouragement from others saying I would be fine I have always known it isnt that simple. I understand genetics and family history and that doesnt bode too well. So feeling so close to such suffering I cant help but be scared. In a couple of years this could be me. Bad things happen to everyone and I already have the complete background for loss. So I am really scared.

Like most females that grow up with faith centered around families I have always wanted to be a mother. I know nurturing and I cant imagine anything more appealing then raising a family. So perhaps this is why it all hits so close to home. It reminds me how fragile everything is. How the plan is so much bigger than me and my everyday struggles and that I have no idea what will happen next. I dont know if I will have my own children or raise other children. I dont know what it will be like to be married or to fight with my kids or to be so frustrated I cry in prayer. There is so much unknown and it terrifies me. And it makes me wonder if I am strong enough for it all.

When Sorrow Hits A Close Home

I dont think it happens often in life when we feel so much sorrow for someone we wonder how they are surviving. But it has been fourteen hours and I cannot stop the tears still. My heart is broken for you. There are few people in my life that I have loved and laughed with like you and I cannot even come to imagine your pain.

I understand there is a plan. That somehow before we were on earth you chose this, you chose that beautiful girl. And yet I cant not feel sad for you. I cant not worry about you. And it all makes me feel so selfish. I get so stressed about things that are so irrelevant and then something like this happens and I am reminded.

It doesnt compare at all. The closest loss I have had was a baby sister. Paige. She was almost 9 months when she was taken back to heaven and oh did I cry. She was beautiful. And I miss her so much. So I can only start to understand how you feel and that just makes the tears pour. It is probably good that I see so few people at work, I am a wreck.

In 6 weeks I get to see you. And I will take you to a concert and love you and try and be strong for you. But you are the strongest person. And you have a man that will be strong for you too. So for now, for today when it hurts and for all of the other days when it will hurt I hope you know that I love you. That I have looked up to you since you used to lay on my floor reading texts crazily as I stared in confusion, and since you tried to make me like High School Musical. I hope you know that you are never alone and that the Lord will provide you with comfort and that it will get better. You have changed so many lives already and I know you are going to continue to do so and that this experience will somehow make you even stronger. You are blessed and it doesnt make sense to me now but I know she needed you and you needed her. I love you. You are never alone.

All It Takes Are Walls and Paint

Some moments change everything. It is like everything stops except for you. And you can look around only to realize that this is the beginning. That you can see so much ahead . And maybe a little bit you wonder if anyone else saw it, but mostly you are amazed.

We stood there on the separate same stairways with tins of paint and brushes. It was time to choose a colour. So we created our swatches and looked back. And as I looked from the  brown wall to the green wall, both smattered with our three options I knew this was one of those moments. This felt like the beginning of so much.

Underwater Bride

It hasnt been the perception that was the problem per say. I suppose you could argue it either way. And maybe I am only relating because of the background music but the truth is the music usually knows me better than I do. Things havent felt the way they should. Its like they should but dont. Like a bride that feels as real as can be but only exists in the reflection of rippling water. Everything may appear perfect on the surface but there is everything you cant see beyond it.

I have been so frustrated lately. Mostly frustrated at myself for not feeling happier. For not getting over things and just accepting things. For not being able to control everything. And finally last night I decided that it is okay to be sad and angry about things sometimes. I try so hard to just let everything be okay. To just convince myself that the things I hate are not that bad. But sometimes they are. And sometimes I feel sad because of it. So this week I decided that I shall just let myself feel what I feel. I will stop trying to suffocate my emotion and force myself to feel constantly happy. I will forget the self inflicted frustration and find some acceptance.

I am angry that I can have such a healthy lifestyle and feel so unwell.
I am sad that I thought my dad isnt who I thought he was and likely wont ever be that person.
I am angry that he refuses to see the hurt he has caused.
I am frustrated that I am part of an endless waiting game to work here.
I am frustrated that I feel like I have commitments and have to be here when I want to escape.
I am sad that my girls were adopted and I had to let go so that I didnt feel my heart break every single day.
I am scared that my grandparents are getting old.
I am scared that I am so in love that I will get hurt.
I am frustrated that I can control so little.
I am overwhelmed because this is my mental/intellectual, emotional and physical well being that are all basically out of my control. And that makes me scared. And angry. And sad.

So as I sit in this house I am sitting, I have decided that I can actually just let myself feel without fearing it will affect others. It is just me and a dog I am allergic to. So I will cry and feel annoyed and want to throw things. But in the end I know I am entirely okay. And that its okay to have emotion and to feel it, regardless. And maybe acceptance is all I need to find that inner joy that seems to be hiding amidst a twisted version of Starry Nights.