Underwater Bride

It hasnt been the perception that was the problem per say. I suppose you could argue it either way. And maybe I am only relating because of the background music but the truth is the music usually knows me better than I do. Things havent felt the way they should. Its like they should but dont. Like a bride that feels as real as can be but only exists in the reflection of rippling water. Everything may appear perfect on the surface but there is everything you cant see beyond it.

I have been so frustrated lately. Mostly frustrated at myself for not feeling happier. For not getting over things and just accepting things. For not being able to control everything. And finally last night I decided that it is okay to be sad and angry about things sometimes. I try so hard to just let everything be okay. To just convince myself that the things I hate are not that bad. But sometimes they are. And sometimes I feel sad because of it. So this week I decided that I shall just let myself feel what I feel. I will stop trying to suffocate my emotion and force myself to feel constantly happy. I will forget the self inflicted frustration and find some acceptance.

I am angry that I can have such a healthy lifestyle and feel so unwell.
I am sad that I thought my dad isnt who I thought he was and likely wont ever be that person.
I am angry that he refuses to see the hurt he has caused.
I am frustrated that I am part of an endless waiting game to work here.
I am frustrated that I feel like I have commitments and have to be here when I want to escape.
I am sad that my girls were adopted and I had to let go so that I didnt feel my heart break every single day.
I am scared that my grandparents are getting old.
I am scared that I am so in love that I will get hurt.
I am frustrated that I can control so little.
I am overwhelmed because this is my mental/intellectual, emotional and physical well being that are all basically out of my control. And that makes me scared. And angry. And sad.

So as I sit in this house I am sitting, I have decided that I can actually just let myself feel without fearing it will affect others. It is just me and a dog I am allergic to. So I will cry and feel annoyed and want to throw things. But in the end I know I am entirely okay. And that its okay to have emotion and to feel it, regardless. And maybe acceptance is all I need to find that inner joy that seems to be hiding amidst a twisted version of Starry Nights.