Swiss Army Romance

I expect rocks to be something immovable. But then who hasn't heard of rock slides? Exactly. That makes me think of the frank slide, I don't really remember anything about it to be completely honest. I just remember making a slide show about the different types of rocks and erosion and that having something to do with it. I likely only remember this because I hated that teacher. He was the creepiest person I had ever met. He may actually still hold that title. I will ponder that.

The thing here is that even the things that appear stagnant aren't. We can't always rely on things to never change. And let me admit, I am not always the biggest fan of change. I like familiarity. I do enjoy the unknown and occasionally pushing small boundaries but generally I live in the  areas clearly marked as my territory. So as I sat on this bus letting music all too reminiscent full my ears I found myself deeper in thought than usual for a post long day bus ride.

The thoughts began with the lyrics "turning to you is like falling in love when you're ten". If you aren't immediately filled with mass memories of this album I wonder if you grew up in a dark cave. This album, this man, wrote so much that has been a soundtrack to my life. To being a teenager and going to college. To growing up. And somehow listening to his words from so long ago just illuminates change. I used to think I knew what love was. I used to know everything about what made a relationship work. It included a lack of emotion and complete stubbornness. I sure was a smart kid. Those poor boys that suffered through that. But this is far less serious than that. This is about all the little things I am realizing that have changed in me and my perspective and my ability to love.

I suppose I expected what I looked for to be stagnant. To follow a pattern. To be obvious. It would be solid. I would be solid and strong. I would not falter. But the more I have lived the more I can see how my facade was only a cheap Halloween mask that proved I was weaker than imaginable . I was a rock slide waiting to happen, or maybe one happening. Both are possible. Through the dust I can't be sure.

Maybe it is all about falling in love when you're ten. Appreciating the small things. Having that friendship and the things in common to bring you together. I know this will seem petty but last night as I was enraptured by several bands and their updates and the beauty  of music I realized that it is insanely important to me to have someone that gets that. I need someone that can see how a line in a song can change so much. And how albums change lives. And I cant help but want someone that can skateboard. It is not my fault if it that is just an insanely attractive form of transportation. And I want to say these little things dont matter. But they do. I can find the big things in people, sometimes, but without the little things it all seems so irrelevant. I want that swiss army romance. One I didnt use to believe existed. I think these last few years have changed everything besides my foundation. I suppose that is all that lasts in a rock slide anyways.

Is That Too Much To Ask?

Have waters I have waded in been murkier? I am not sure. The stunning clarity contrasts the murkiness leaving me more confused than ever. It is as if for once I know where my life is going but it has never been less clear. It has me reaching into the waters trying to clear it which only makes it murkier. I dont even know where to go from here. Well I do, so that is a lie. I know the only place I will find clarity. I just dont have the schedule to be able to go in this week. Perhaps sitting outside will be enough for something. But I dont know. Something just isnt sitting right, and every time this happens it means that something unexpected is coming. And knowing that scares me. I think this isnt about to play out the way I imagined. I suppose all I can do is continue on this path until the boulder falls and crushes me which would clearly show that it was the wrong path. Or maybe I have the option of staying at this fork and straddling the paths just a little bit longer.

The reality of it all is that I am happy with either option that may be plausible. No options exist in reality, yet. But I know I will have options. I just dont want my decision to be chosen for me again. It just feels unfair thinking that the murkier water could just be my health choosing for me. I dont want to have to go back because of that. I will resent it. I want to go back on my own terms. I just hope that whatever is about to come understands that. I will go back, I will stay here. I am more than happy with either. I just want to make the choice for myself. Is that too much to ask?

Of All The Gin Joints

I wish it was a gin joint. And in black and white. That would have been dramatic. It was just a chapel though. Not dramatic. And we were in colour. Well you were in black and white mostly. But in a way when I turned and saw your handsome face it was like a movie, a really lame one no one would watch, but a movie none the less. Your timing is impeccable. Of course today would be the day I see you. The one connection on this continent to the boy I have tried so hard to forget. Thanks for the slap in the face. Just kidding. It was a warm embrace.

It is strange how fate plays its hand. Yes, I do believe in fate. I believe in something so much greater than me. I know there is a plan much grander than my thoughts of whether or not to run tomorrow. I know someone sees a picture larger than my tiny little viewfinder that only sees the little pictures one at a time when I put in the disc and click from one to another. And fate probably isnt the right word but I accept that fact and use it anyways.

So there you were. The tiny thread that somehow ties it all together. You remind me how much I miss him. It just shocked me that this weekend happened to be the one you show up after well over a year. The weekend I find myself thinking of our mutual friend. I feel like someone up there is having a chuckle over my confusion and wonder at what the heck is going on. First it is in my head, then there are humans. Next thing you know I will be knocking on your door, on the other side of the world, in a place I left a long time ago. I think I am realizing I have to go back and find real closure. Or maybe not closure, maybe I just miss a place that was my home for so long. That seems reasonable. How could I not find my mind flooded with memories when I actually see someone real that knows about anything I miss so much. Maybe this all makes more sense than I thought.

A Most Nonsensical and Lacking Coaster

It should have been a roller coaster. One full of so many highs and the accompanying lows. But it wasnt. Perhaps it was built wrong. Or perhaps it was closed for the day. That seems most likely. Entirely closed. Not even open for maintenance. Yet it was moving. Moving along the empty track. Going through the motions without any real purpose. Just following the expected track as it should. However, with its emptiness it wasnt noting each raise or dip, it was doing nothing more than moving, mechanically, almost robotic like.

Welcome to the inner workings of me today. There has been so much silence yet I didnt realize it because my inner monologue has been screaming so loud, it's deafening, constant chatter has taken over. I didnt even realize how much so until you asked what I was thinking and I realized I was gone. There should have been emotion. But it was all so misplaced. I just felt disconnected. Like I was watching a foreign movie I didnt understand, not like I was living my own life. I dont know what happened. I dont know if I just opened my eyes. Or maybe I just am still broken and cant handle simplicity. I really am unsure. All I recognize was the ease and lack of emotion. I am sorry. Maybe I just need to be alone for awhile.

Inside My Head

I often think of how clever someone must be to escape from a penetentary. What a feat. To be able to get out of something that should be secure fascinates me. I dont condone this behaviour in the sense that I dont want criminals just like chilling next to me as I drink white hot chocolate and read my zen book, but I am fascinated. This awareness of my fascination appeared as I realized how epic it would be if I could escape my own head. I am my own worst enemy. By a long shot. It is like the moment my brain gets a sense of security or plausible happiness it begins to create tiny bombs. Ones that are volatile and go off at any time.

I realized this as you crossed my mind. In a major way. I would say you have been the subject of too many of these posts but that doesnt mean you wont keep reappearing. You are like the re-aliving bug, but only in the sense that once I think I have quelled you, you reappear. It has been a really long time. Long enough that I could have gotten pregnant and had a baby, twice, with time in between. That is ages. But somehow it comes back to you. Maybe you have become my baseline. Not you when we dated. You when I left. The person I said goodbye to. I want to say you ruined me. But you have been there through everything, and no other person has. And maybe that is why. But why isnt what matters. What matters is that the moment I think I could be happy I have to compare everything to you and then I am full of answerless questions and longing and so much more. I think of the long talks and the passion and the absolute ridiculousness of it all and how it, we, are a massive train wreck. Yet this doesnt deter the thoughts. It doesnt stop me from second guessing the now. Am I still stuck on you? I thought I got over all of those feelings an exceptionally long time ago. Was I wrong? Or am I just scared? Scared that something different isnt something right. Or is reality that you created a baseline I dont want to sink under and now I have to carefully measure everything to see where it stands? I am not sure. All I know is that somehow you have invaded my brain. For no apparent reason. And it makes me wish I could escape, like a criminal busting out of prison quietly in the night.

Saturday on Friday

Maybe this is what days off are like for grown ups. If so I don't understand lawyers as they never seem to get days off and lets be honest, two Saturdays in a row is a really amazing thing. Made more magnificent if it isn't a public holiday as those mean nothing is open. It isn't even like I did something crazy to make it an ultra Saturday Friday. It just has been amazing and it is only dinner time. Days off are my new favorite thing.

Perhaps it is those moments you actually have to breathe. Or the opportunity to actually check things off a to do list instead of just adding to it. Or maybe the freedom it gave me to last minute step up and teach. Whatever it was, it was amazing. I think now that I live almost as a grown up I appreciate these things more. Before when all I did was uni I just assumed I would always have the freedom to just do errands. But real life kinda isn't like that. It actually requires planning. And who knew sleeping in til 830 would feel so scandalous. What is happening to me?! I want to pretend this is a bad thing but I am on such a high from who knows what that I don't even care. I might actually be looking forward to grownupness if it means a proper normal schedule and days off and actually getting paid to work. The future is freaking me out just a little bit less today.

Formality

I rarely think of the use of formality, unless it comes to french. Although if you were to speak with me now your ears would likely bleed due to the limitedness of my french or possibly because of my horrendous lack of accent. You would actually be astounded when you realized how long I took it for. Sadly, it was not something prioritized and therefore was lost at a rate faster than it was ever learned. But the point is, I took french. In the french language we were always taught about what tense to use and how to speak to people. It was especially pertinent when speaking to an elder or someone of higher standing then yourself. Because of this, my only thoughts of formality come back to french.

I wouldnt say that I am informal in the rest of my life, it just is a natural thing. In english it just seems to come. You dont have to stress as much about it, it is just a common sense sort of thing. Nothing remarkable in my eyes. But it has led me to this moment. I have realized exactly what I have been trying to put my finger on. Your formality. You are so incredibly formal with me and let's be honest, I am not someone to be formal to. It freaks me out. It just is making it seem less personal I think and that is creating a wall I cant help but to see. And I am sure you have no idea. You probably are just naturally so proper and have no idea how insane and informal I am. Regardless, now that I have realized it, it is likely going to make me mental so I may have to just crush your soul and force you to be less proper when speaking to me. I want you to just say the wrong things sometimes and to just word vomit. I dont want to feel like I am something fragile. So unless you are speaking french to me I advise a lack of formality as otherwise may lead to some form of destruction.

Exciting Things Like Heroin

Is it not normal to ask someone if they are doing anything exciting like heroin? It seems to make sense to me. And not in a literal but sorta literal way. I mean if they responded with "why yes, I am in fact doing heroin" I woud at least know which could lead to me helping them or perhaps just explain their odd behaviour. The thing is, this is exactly the sort of thing I say. I say things that can be taken wrong if put in context. Most things I say are entirely out of context. They usually dont even make sense out loud, although they definitely make sense in my mind, I just sometimes forget to say enough to express that. But I cant help it, that is a huge part of who I am. Things just come out and for the most part I dont mean any harm. So when you just look back with a look so entirely impossibly to read I wonder. Perhaps you are too serious for me? Perhaps you just dont get that sometimes I when it seems like I want to be left it really means I want to be held. And I am not looking for words of sympathy or someone to say things are okay, I have heard all those before and I know how little they do. I just wanted a sense of understanding where I come from, who I am. So I am scared. I am scared that I am just a little too much and a little too far off the line that appears to be normal, for you to understand. But maybe I have just spend too much time doing exciting things like heroin to realize exactly what reality is. Maybe things are okay and I am just looking for trouble where none exists. But when you look for trouble you always find it, so maybe  I am finding it. Or maybe I should just focus more being myself and let what comes come.

My Bittersweet New Favourite Colour

It feels like only I could add emotion to a colour that has become my new favourite. It is so spring like which is fitting as I just realized it was almost spring. I possibly commented on how summer was about to end the other night, I dont know why I cant adjust to the seasons. Perhaps it is because with 22 years of training it will take more than 2 to swap the months and their correlating seasons. Or perhaps without snow I just cant actually refer to this as winter. Regardless with spring in the air I have found that turquoise/teal colour has really become a staple in my mind. Since I exude black it hasnt penetrated that realm yet. But as I sat looking at the new earring I was about to don and their beautiful colour I remembered a house with trimming of this shade. And as the colour began to seep with thoughts of the past and emotion I wondered how closely we tie our memories to things. To sounds, to smells, to tastes. It seems that more and more frequently I am feeling taken back to times long forgotten by something as simple as a waft of cologne as someone walks past on the train. I want to say something profound about it but all I can really think is that it is extremely beautiful how we can appear to forget so much but in reality it takes the smallest of triggers to bring on wave after wave of memories. Perhaps the earrings wont last and I will revert back to a shade I love but regardless, today they are feeling a bit bittersweet as I reminisce over what was lost and about the pains of growing up but at the same time recognizing the joy in growth. Spring is anticipated to bring about more change than a colour though so prepare for words depicting the hailstorm of a lifetime or perhaps just a soft wind. I am not even sure.

Glass Panels Are For Walking Into

I find it deceptive when there is glass panelling next to a glass door. How am I supposed to know it is more of a wall then a door? How can I be blamed when I continually walk into such things with hopes that it is an exit point. It isnt. And oddly enough you dont rebound off glass much. You mostly are just stunned. I mean not like this happens to me awkwardly in front of people.

Despite my inability to differentiate between walling and doors I realized how much has become transparent. I used to spend my time avoiding showing emotion. Trying not to care. I would argue about everything because I could. And I shied away from labels. I wanted my independence to be known. And I thought all of that was exactly what I wanted. Until now. Somehow as I watched another couple interact and then thought about my past I realized how much I have grown up. Not really grown up, I still feel like a child most of the time, but in a way I have. I can see the necessity of compromise and honesty. Of selflessness and openness. Although it all leads to a sense of vulnerability I would rather had remained unknown.

I suppose with glass at least you can see what is on the other side, even if your face happens to be plastered to it as you fall to the ground. That is so much simpler than the reality that has come with it. The realizations that I am so far from who I used to be but still falling short with insecurity and fear of the unknown. Perhaps if I walk into a few more doorless walls I will learn my lessons.

It Was Like an Emotion

It wasnt like sad sadness. It was like longing. Or acceptance. Or maybe sadness. That could still be an option. I dont really understand emotions or how they are classified. So maybe I will just say that it was like an emotion. I just dont know how to explain it but I really want to figure out. I want to be able to explain it to you. I just am not sure how to start. Oh hey I have a hole that may never be filled and because of that sometimes I cry secretly.  That just screams crazy. But I know that if I just say it factually it will come across like I dont care and that it doesnt hurt but it still does and it will until the day that relationship is repaired and even then I think it will still hurt. I am starting to get to a point where I actually want to explain to you all of the things that are real but I dont know if you are ready to hear all of that. I dont know if I am ready to let it all out.

I started writing this a week today. Today I had the same impression. I think I just need to go back to the beginning and let it all out so that you understand where I am coming from. The vagueness I have provided doesnt do it justice. For you to be a real part of my life you have to understand how I ended up where I am. I just dont know the proper way to express things so emotion filled and I am scared if I do you will think twice about this ship we put a relation on. If only I could use a magic eight ball for more than question answering. Somehow I think it would make this simpler. Or maybe it would all be simpler if I didnt feel like their divorce crumbled me for so long. Either way I think it is time for me to go back to the beginning and to lead you along the path that involves the emotions I avoid so well.

Your Unsunken Ships

I often imagine moments. I picture them in the  most perfect ways. The sounds, the setting, the words. I do this over and over. Often to a point where it seems as if reality could never come close to moments too perfect to be real. But then I am often wrong.

I suppose the most proper way to preface this would be with the fact that the night had been continual moments that caused me to realize how much more invested I was than I ever wanted to admit. And in the moment when we ran into my ex I recognized how much I want this chapter of my life that I am in now, the one that involves you. And so then every moment just seemed to give me butterflies or make me nervous that you didnt want to be in that chapter.

So when the time came and I thought that perhaps these loose lips would sink another ship I couldnt help but to reimagine all the scenarios I had dreamt up for that perfect first kiss. And then as the moment began with quiet words and the recognition that this wasnt just going to be a generic hello lip lock I knew that whatever happened next would make my imaginings so far beyond obsolete. And it did. Reality with you is so much better than anything I could have tried to create. So before I get ahead of myself I think I shall close.

Loose lips sink ships. I am glad you havent wasted as much time as me sinking ships. You make me feel more than ordinary.

Verification Acquired

There is no way around it. I require verification. I need to know that yes this is a go. I need proof that things are real. There is that requirement of feeling something more than the obvious for me to really be able to move forward. And I think I just got it. That brief moment when I realized I had butterflies I think did it. Perhaps all I needed was something to say this was a path going somewhere. I cant help but be cautious. My track record is not one to write home about. But maybe with this brief moment of assurance I will at least have the courage to delve deeper and open up. I still feel at the point where I am trying so hard to make a good impression and to hope to leave a mark so that when the door closes I am not forgotten. But eventually I have to get past the insecurity and speak up. Maybe this is what I needed to get to that point. Or maybe this is just a little baby step in the right direction. Either would be good I think. But only time will tell.

Story of A Girl

It may be something in the air. Or just a point in my life where I need to feel like a girl again in a sense that I am so not in control and have so much to learn. I was starting to get complacent. I was gliding through work and just taking placement as it came. I wouldnt say I was entirely stagnant. I had chosen other really great areas to focus on but I think I knew that it wasnt sufficient. I just wasnt prepared to hear that.

I suppose there are people that like constructive feedback and I do sometimes. But not today. I  know how petty and immature that sounds but I just didnt hear anything positive I just heard all the things I could be better at and all I could think of how easy it would be to quit. And in that moment I realized that I was just like a little girl. As soon as the going gets tough the tough get going. Thats what I tell myself. But it is so false. I am so good at walking away when things are hard or when any form of change is required. I think I just need to step up my game and try and take on board that there are other ways to do things and that they could be better than the way I have in my mind. It just makes me wonder what else I am faltering at that no one has pointed out. It is so easy to forget that we always have such a long way to go.

This would all be so much easier if I didnt have an innate calm voice that comes out when I teach.

How Will People Understand That's Who I Was Not Who I Am

I think that simple set of lyrics sums up entirely why I am where I am. I wonder if people can ever let go of the visions they imagined for us or of our past. I understand the entirety of forgiveness but that isnt what this is. This is just a pure desire to break away from the past and the trails trampled out in growth. Perhaps it is because the past is a cumulation of so many errors and so much naivety and those beliefs that I was invincible. Oh how little I knew.

I definitely was unaware of how much the past is never the past. I mean it isnt happening now exactly but it kinda is. Let me paint a picture to better describe this. I moved when I was 8, and that was devastating. I mean I had been friends with my two best friends since Kindergarten, we used to take our snack time together. The next move was at 18 when I left for the states and then again at 22 when I came to Australia. Each move made keeping in touch harder but they all allowed for possible escapes. They were fresh starts. I could be anyone. Anything. And sometimes leaving left me feeling like I had a clean slate that would never show through the previous writings. If only I had known then what I know now.

Flash forward to today. My past is so close it feels like it could be an eagle preparing to swoop down yet that sounds threatening and that isnt how it is. It just is incomprehensibly present. Today I learned that my best friend from kindergarten, the boy I used to sit and read Archie comics with for hours, is now in med school currently in the same department at the hospital as my mother. My little sister has now worked in two departments I used to at the hospital and those people all remember me and ask her about me. Then a few weeks ago an acquaintance from home whom I carpooled with in grade 3 appeared over here engaged to a girl from here. It just has been amazing how much it seems that no matter how far I think I move I cant escape it all and how everything seems to just flow together as if there was never any question about how it all fit.

And here I am. Recognizing that there is no escape. You are created in a sense from  your past. I really thought that coming here would be that new identity that you can only dream of. But it isnt. And I cant say I am disappointed by that. I need the grounding of the past to keep me on the right path I suppose. I just get anxious thinking about the day when I decide to go back and wondering if all of those people I left behind will be able to see me for who I am now and not as all of the other things. But maybe the truth is that it isnt what other people see, it is the fact that those faces and all those places make me see how things were before and I want to move past those days when I was sad or broken or when you were part of our life because that isnt who I am now. I want to be able to just go back all confident and creating a life of my own that is brilliant enough to overshadow all that I left behind.

Sometimes Legs Break Off, That's Why Superglue Was Invented

It is Thursday. Fact. Sunday night seems ages ago and yet this week has also gone so fast. I am striving to find the best way to describe it all and how just a few simple days can seem to have such a purpose. Everyday has a purpose I just dont usually get that. But lately it seems as if I am more insightful or possibly just less blind. I think either could be it. Most likely I am just being more aware to the obvious. So here is to the possibly obvious.

This week was mid placement feedback. Something I actually was terrified for. Not because it means the end of another placement approaches but because I didnt want to hear that I had let someone down. I think that is what it all comes down to for most things. I like to think that at the end of it all I at least tried and that that was enough. But sometimes I wonder, I wonder if others can see what I am putting down or if errors are more blatant than anything else. So as I sat across that table I was nervous. So nervous I possibly had tried to convince a patient to come in with me and tell them I was awesome, he thought I was joking. And as the words came out I realized that I have just been so hard on myself and not even taken a moment to realize where I am actually am at. I see the apparent discouragement of job searching and the future and forget that my successes in the moment will lead to a less difficult path towards a career. And then today when I had finally cracked a patient into bonding with me I recognized how much I entirely love what I do.

Sometimes I second guess it all. And everything. I pick up those hidden textbooks and wonder if I have made a mistake and just took a detour from the proper path. But then I have days like today when I can see how much I fit in in this world of patients and bonding and physio and hospitaling. And it wasnt just that. This week has been so much more than workplace recognitions. It has been filled with thoughts of the Human Book and how much I realize all the things that make up me that I never mention out of fear. And somewhere amidst the capillary burstings and the feedback and Batman and quietly reading and listening to records I have just felt more at ease than I have in a really long time.

I think like Justin and his poor legs that break off because he is a small marbleish unicorn that I carry around too often, I can be repaired and be like new. For so long I thought that everything that had happened had only broken me, I never saw that all I needed was to some superglue and I could be like new again. I really didnt see that there was a light at the end, that I could come to terms and feel a real sense of forgiveness and acceptance and all of those words I pretended to know before life placed hills and mountains along my path. I just hope that the glue is strong enough for whatever comes next because somehow I know this ease wont last forever.

Accountants and Engineers Are Sad

The title is misleading. This has nothing to do with it. Regardless of how misleading it is I have decided not to change it. Mostly because I can always find some way to relate my writing back to something irrelevant. So here is the thing. I have always loved that scene in 500 Days of Summer when Tom first gets to see Summer's place. It provides such an insight into who she is and upon this entry he then is able to see more of her than anyone else had previously. Something about the way everything is placed around the rooms creates a moment for reflection. Possibly I have always just been envious of her wall paper and the beauty of all of her trinkets. Her character has always impressed me to an unreasonable extent. And for a moment yesterday I felt like I could relate to her.

There was a lot of silence. My work day seems to end earlier than those I co-habituate with so I found myself standing in the doorway to my room in silence and I saw it all a different way. I realized that in another step I would be into a different world almost. The space between these four walls is immaculately me. I treasure it like a secret haven. I like the bareness between the lightswitch and the bookshelf. The books on top of it are all full of stories not inside them but inside me. And that is nothing compared to the flag or the unicorn or the exact selection of books that reside next to my bed. And then it is a new world as it changes into the records and lyrics and my favourite place to sit when I need to be alone. It is a place that no one can mold otherwise and I saw how it is a massive reflection of who I am and my life. And maybe no one else will ever see it through the same light I do but that is part of the beauty. It is my own haven and in an odd way it bring a sense of belonging and security that I cant put into words. I think understanding the four walls is the greatest insight besides opening my journals and reading the thoughts that dont reach here.

And this all relates to how sad accountants and engineers apparently are because somehow after I learned that someone had a glance into my safe haven and now I wonder what was seen besides the obvious. I can look at each thing and feel so much emotion and life that resides in these inanimate objects and I think I want someone to be able to share that with the way Summer did.

A Bounty To Be Hunted

I remember one time I was at this camp sort of thing. Not like camping, and not because I cant camp- I can, but it was more of a stay in uni dorms when you are a teenager sort of thing. And so there I was, probably 15 or 16 and I was in a group of girls and guys. One day the guys wrote notes to us and my one friend had quoted Proverbs 31:10 about how a virtuous woman is worth more than rubies. I suppose it sounded nice but I wasnt one for nice things like rubies so it didnt mean much. I think the beauty of it all was lost on my tomboyish mind.

Now fast forward to this evening. I had successfully lost at spoons so was spending my time wisely checking emails. There was one from an unfamiliar name but for some reason it seemed important to read, so that I did. And suddenly so much of my mental thought processes and hidden anxiety fled. You see I have realized that I want to work in the hospital system and due to the fact I may actually stop being a student for good and getting a real job these things are important to know. So I went to a function to "launch my career". I left feeling like a soviet rocket that never left the station. Apparently being foreign is not on the checklist of qualities required for the hospitals in this region. Suddenly I felt like the prospects of finding a job had disappeared quite dramatically. I wasnt exactly stressed, just not as at ease as I would have hoped for. The idea of finding a career job is daunting. So back to the email, it was from a Physiotherapist that I had spoken to whilst launching that career of mine. His words were more than kind and indicated interest in attaining me as a new grad for their company. I was shocked, not because our conversations were less than lovely but because I hadnt ever thought of myself as a prize to be won by an employer.  I just thought that finding a career would entirely be a form of me trying to sell myself and taking whatever bider was keen. But I think I had it all wrong. Perhaps this is all about marketing those skills I actually have spent mass amounts of time honing and seeing which place is best for me and not settling for the first one that accepts foreigners. I think I have more options than I thought. And I feel like a bit of a bounty being hunted as someone is already showing interest in my mad skillz. Maybe growing up isnt so bad after all.

Unjading of the Jaded

It feels preemptive in a way but at the same time it isnt. It is just factual and that is how I like things. I like the cut and dry clarity of facts. I like that when something is a fact that even if it is mean I still feel like I can say it because it really is just the truth. Although as my mother always says, I dont have to say everything I think, even if it is true. But I think I want to write about this anyways.

It seems like sometimes it is easy to become jaded. To become worn down. To expect less. To feel like your expectations were unreasonable. And I know this is a two way street. I have been the one to be so much less than ideal when it comes to friendships and relationships. I have been distant and emotionally unavailable, I have put zero effort in and then wondered why the end was continually so evitable. And then I somehow grew up a bit emotionally and perhaps realized that emotions existed. And then I used to think things like if I can find his number how come he cant go to the effort to find mine? I was taught that girls and boys dont think the same. But I always felt like somehow the effort should be two sided. However that just didnt seem to be the case so I let it slide. I would say the reality of it is I just settled. I would find myself being content with so much less than I ever wanted. Mostly because I was tired of feeling alone. I was trying to fill a void that was unfillable. And as time went on I forgot about previous expectations. Until now.

I am not saying I am in the third L word. Or even in like. I am not saying anything like that. I am only trying to get across the fact that I was right to have hopes and dreams and to want to expect something because even though maybe it is rare it happens. The fact is that sometimes boys do open all the doors. And sometimes they actually take the effort to find your number. And sometimes boys arent douches. And I think I had began to forget all of that. I cant help but to feel a sense of excitement over the thought that I have started to meet people like that. It is like I was been a little minnow swimming in the wrong pond all this time. Maybe chivalry isnt dead. And maybe I am wandering onto a road full of raddness. All I know is I seem to be a lot less jaded and that is a step I wondered if I would ever take again. Maybe that emotional growth is happening again. Or perhaps I just am meeting the right sort of people. Or perhaps this is just a heap of random facts that amount to nothing at all. Only time or a magic eight ball will tell.

Casual Smart

Those two words don't belong together. Casual makes me think of tights and a cardigan. Smart involves nerd glasses with the contemplation of either something comfortable or a slightly bad in a good way sweater. Not the same. And the fact that the combination is supposed to equal a look that impresses future employers I find to be misleading. They should just say please dress nicely but not as nice as semiformal. Or possibly just have classed is as "dress to impress" then I could have just slipped on a dress and not even given it a second thought. But they didn't. So here I am wearing jeans. The first time in a solid five months, and that day doesnt count as I was forced to wear them.

But to the point of it all, I need someone to be in charge of coordinating my outfits. If I had my way I would rarely wear anything besides onesies and rights but for some reason I am told hear are not always acceptable. I would also settle for a detailed poster describing what to wear to certain places. It would eleviate much of the confusion I find. Maybe this is why all the kids in this land wear shook uniforms. It takes the guessing, confusion and frustration out of dressing. I always thought uniforms suppressed originality and creativity, and I do still think that, but I may be realizing some of their merit. But this isn't about school uniforms or even work ones. It's about the fact that I need to find someone to coordinate my  outfits for me to save me a lot of hassle. Please apply within.

Is it My Fault? We've Been Missing Each Other, We've Been Missing Each Other

We all have zones of comfort. Usually these places have clear boundaries. And I am one of those people that has been living within those zones. Social anxiety is just one of those things that became a part of existence  nothing outside the ordinary. I could say that I have just been really busy, I had work or to study or transit just is awful out there. I know all of the excuses, and I have probably invented ones you havent even thought of. But I think it all comes down to the fact that I get so nervous around people I dont know. Which seems crazy to the people that know me. I can be the girl that doesnt shut up. There is a reason my grandfather referred to me as Chatterbox for many years. But that isnt the same. Put me in a social situation and watch me flounder.

But living within self made limitations is just that, limiting. And I could try and justify that all of this is a two way street but the truth is I havent put myself out there at all really since I got on that first long flight. I suppose moving across the world is a stretch of comfort but it isnt really. It just happened. Going to things and meeting people is much more of a stretch. So I finally decided to accept that all I was doing was creating excuses. So I stopped. And I started to at least try to attend things and actually talk to people. And so quickly I realized a lot. I have kinda been missing out, entirely on my own accord. I mean it is really nerve wracking and I get all flushed and fumble when I have to try and have awkward first conversations but I have already actually gotten to know people that were no more than a familiar face and with that I can see how it was all in my head. I dont know why people make me so nervous. But I think it is mostly imaginary because the last couple of weeks I have tried to throw it all aside and just not let the anxiety be the deciding factor. Showing up somewhere alone isnt that bad. I find there is always a familiar face close enough by that it isnt like walking into a room of isolation.

And all of this leads to the point. I have that mindset that the right people come at the right times and that things happen for reasons and that there is a plan much bigger than I can see. Kinda like those rugs that the creepy witches make in Hercules. So I never think about the fact that if I dont put myself in places where other humans reside how can I expect to experience all of these beautiful parts of my rug? I probably cant. So when I met someone for the first time that I really should have at least run into at some point in the last many many months all I could think was, is it my fault we've been missing each other? Maybe that is why this song has resonated so loudly. Or it could be because it is a really good song. But either way I think I have realized that I should be a bit more open minded when it comes to actually wandering outside the neatly fenced in zone of comfort. I think there is a lot on the other side of the fence that I wrote off for no reason. So I am going to try and miss out on a little bit less.

Doors

I am not that great at closing doors. But there are a fair few who would say I am not good at opening them either, figuratively and literally. I just already am sanitizing my hands dozens of times a day and doors have so many germs on them so I cant help it if I just slip in behind someone most of the time to avoid touching the doors, it is just me keeping my hands clean. But that isnt where this is going.

I just was thinking about how much I over think things and how it is as if I always want to have one foot in those ominous doors even when I know I dont want to go inside. I want to say I know why but I am not sure I do. I think I just dont like ends or goodbyes or the definitive. I like to think that there is always a bit of hope when really I should just walk away and let the door shut in its own time. Maybe it is because I like proper closure. I like to know that a chapter is entirely done with no turning back before I  move onto the next. It could be something I am conditioned to or because I havent always felt ready for the next chapter and yet it has come. All I know is that even when I think I have let a door close I often find it open a crack the next time I find myself wandering past. And like a cat I let curiosity get the best of me. So instead of peering through the cracks or reaching into closing elevators I think I am going to consciously let go of all the little things, the words said or unsaid, the messages sent or the ones not received, the poles run into and the pictures of previous lives. Maybe doors dont ever close  but we just move on to places too far to notice doors long passed.