Have waters I have waded in been murkier? I am not sure. The stunning clarity contrasts the murkiness leaving me more confused than ever. It is as if for once I know where my life is going but it has never been less clear. It has me reaching into the waters trying to clear it which only makes it murkier. I dont even know where to go from here. Well I do, so that is a lie. I know the only place I will find clarity. I just dont have the schedule to be able to go in this week. Perhaps sitting outside will be enough for something. But I dont know. Something just isnt sitting right, and every time this happens it means that something unexpected is coming. And knowing that scares me. I think this isnt about to play out the way I imagined. I suppose all I can do is continue on this path until the boulder falls and crushes me which would clearly show that it was the wrong path. Or maybe I have the option of staying at this fork and straddling the paths just a little bit longer.
The reality of it all is that I am happy with either option that may be plausible. No options exist in reality, yet. But I know I will have options. I just dont want my decision to be chosen for me again. It just feels unfair thinking that the murkier water could just be my health choosing for me. I dont want to have to go back because of that. I will resent it. I want to go back on my own terms. I just hope that whatever is about to come understands that. I will go back, I will stay here. I am more than happy with either. I just want to make the choice for myself. Is that too much to ask?
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