Toaster Texts

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I didnt know what it was but it looked like a toaster. Odd that a toaster was my first instinct when I was getting a text of comfort. I dont think I would feel comforted if I was being pressed between two grills of metal that is heating up. Regardless, I mistook a hug for a toaster. Toaster texts have now become my favourite as they make me laugh and deep down I know it's a hug and that someone cares. It's easy for me to forget that everyone shows emotion differently and I dont always realize how much people do care because they just show it differently than I do. Thanks for caring and putting up with my antics everyday. I was going to insert a fact about a race here but you will already know this about you so it would just be redundant. 

Jamaica Declares Independence From Mexico Day

So today I had a longer than you would think discussion about when Jamaica declared its independence. I mean some people are very unaware of this situation and think Jamaica is still part of Mexico. I am here to help people obtain further knowledge and become more aware of Jamaicas current situation. Fortunately I am pretty tight with a Jamaican so I can stay well informed. So to further inform the rest of the world, and by that I mean the few random people that read this, here is an update.

So back in the day Jamaica was part of mexico. But then the bobsled team realized that they didnt need to be on the Mexican team and that they could have their own team. So they rallied up their people, which was easy because the bobsled team is basically the foundation of the Jamaicans. So they uprose and won. Since Jamaica was actually attached to Mexico they felt like being attached to a country they had just declared independence from that they needed to do something about it. So they all got out their shovels and dug all around their borders until they hit the ocean. Jamaica broke off and floated away to its current location, unattached from Mexico.

And this is how Jamaica became independent from Mexico.

Its unfortunate for people who ask me questions and are gullible. I apologize for my instant ability to make up very obscure stories and tell them with a straight face. I hope this is not detrimental to your survival. Although perhaps that is part of natural selection.

Dont Waste The Pretty

This post is mostly for girls. But also for boys. Disclaimer provided.

It seems like an eternity ago that I borrowed a book from my favourite person from high school. It was a book her mother gave her and she said I should check it out. I read it on two different occasions. Years later a movie was made and her and I watched it together. Last week I found it at a bookstore that was closing and instantly purchased it. This book changes perspective. Its empowering. Its enlightening. And it makes you feel like an idiot. I love it.

"He's Just Not That Into You" was wrote from a male perspective to females. It outlines pretty much any dating related scenario and what a girl then does. It also depicts what the male is thinking in these scenarios, and ultimately how much time we waste on nothing.

How often do we sit there wasting hours checking our phones, waiting for a call or a text? Or wondering if we should make a move. Or if he just forget to call. Or perhaps he just got really busy. There so so many excuses and we make them up to fool ourselves. But reality is that if a boy really likes a girl he will do something about it. He can pick up the phone just as easily as we can. If he is interested he isnt going to let you walk away without getting your number or having some way to contact you. He isnt going to leave you wondering and force you to make a move. Thats what happens when he really just isnt that into you. And yet we so often settle for that because we are scared. Scared someone better wont come along. Or scared of being alone. We wonder if maybe that we are expecting too much and with this day and age we are expected to go out there and get his number and call him and everything. Maybe one time for one person that worked, but generally, if he likes you he will pursue you.

Everytime I read this book it reminds me that I shouldnt have to make excuses. I shouldnt have to pick apart every detail wondering what I missed. I should just be pursued and be happy. So I am not going to waste hours waiting for messages that wont come, or wondering if I need to change who I am to impress someone. I am just going to continuing walking along as me and not stress about the boys that really arent into me, those arent the ones that I want anyways. As Greg Behrendt says, "Dont waste the pretty".

Lineless Pages

I bought a few new notebooks today. Nothing fancy. Just small books to scribble down notes in before exams. I learn by writing so for me to study I have to go through my notes and make more compact notes and then study those and well, by this point my notebook is mostly full or used pages. So notebooks seemed like the best idea, plus I really, really like buying any sort of school supplies. So I was quite thrilled with my new purchase of these simple books. I then wandered to my typical spot in the same room of the same library as always. As I began to write I flipped the page and realized that every other page was lineless. I was shocked and confused and slightly apprehensive.

You see, in looking at the past I have learned that I cannot write straight, at all. If you ask me to write on a whiteboard my letters end up on like a forty five degree angle, and thats not even me exaggerating as I am prone to do. So seeing that I had all of these pages to write on I was a bit nervous. I didnt want my study notes to be all slanty, because with my OCD tendancies I knew that I would just end up ripping those pages out and rewriting them. So I just had to push forward and try and write straight

This may seem like nothing. But its something to me. The thing is I lack confidence, in a major way. So something as simple as having to face the fact that I cant write straight page after page just feels like its me facing a reminder that I am so flawed. Lineless pages shouldnt matter. So I am making them not matter. I am going to just write on them and study off them and just try and write straight. Its never too late to get better at something you find yourself lacking at. Its confidence building actually. Knowing that I could face something little that intimidates me just gives me a little more courage to face things that really frighten me.

And amidst all of this I bought 4 more notebooks that I super love as they are ocean themed and were less than a dollar each. So I decided for my other classes I will write in the ocean books and I am going to use the simple ones for future notes, except I will take the lineless pages to draw on because I really love drawing even if I am not very skilled at that either. At least I will make the most of something that seemed out of place and discomforting. Maybe thats the best thing to do sometimes.

BTDubs

Thats how she types btw. It's rather cute and it had me actually laughing out loud so I am not going to tell her otherwise. Its those little idiosyncrasies that make people interesting and catch our attention. I was thinking about that at the gym the other arvo as I was stretching by the mirror and realizing I havent made that one face in a long time. I used to scrunch up my nose as I would smile when someone would visit me at work or for other special surprises when I wanted someone to know I loved them but for some reason couldnt talk. Or when I used to bite my lip to stop me from saying anything that involved emotion because I wanted to appear fierce, strong and independent. I think we all have special faces for special people and I think we need to embrace that. Find what makes you unique and cling to that, you should never want to just be another robot in the sea of technology.

My Mind Forgets to Remind Me You're A Bad Idea

I am really quick to fall back into patterns. Patterns of people. And that gets me into situations that are unideal frequently. You think I would learn from this. But I dont. I just mindlessly follow my heart even if it only half says something is a good idea, and if my mind doesnt remind me its a bad idea, well then there is no hope for me. Thankfully you frequently say things that remind me you are a bad idea. So even if my mind cant override my heart, well your lack of so many things I need seems to. I wish my heart wasnt so nieve.

The Grandparent Pound

Whenever I meet someone that is old enough to be my grandparent two things happen. First I want to hug them and take them home, as this thought occurs the second thought quickly happens. I imagine on scrubs when JD imagines what it would be like if you could get grandparents from the pound.

Yesterday I had the opportunity to meet two men that have been through a lot in their lives as they both lost limbs many decades ago. Upon listening to them I instantly wanted to take them home with me. They were so incredible. I dont know if I could go through something like that and still laugh and love life. I would like to think I could, but I dont know. So as these men shared life experiences with us I realized how much I love old people. My maternal grandparents have given up a lot for me over the years and I dont think I will ever be able to express to them how much they mean to me. I wonder if there is anywhere here I can go to adopt grandparents for the next year and a half, and if there is I hope its a little bit like the grandparent pound that JD imagines because that just makes me laugh everytime. I also wonder if I will be a cool old person one day.

That Team That Plays That Game

I watched this team play this sport against this other team the other night. And I was going to write about the game but really thats irrelevant. So just know its was some sporting event and thats about all I knew prior to my viewing. Sometimes details are irrelevant. All you need to know is that someone is sad or lonely or happy or proud or something like that. Sometimes all you need is the bare minimum to be able to attend to a situation. I get so caught up in details. Little things like the order something is done in, or technicalities. I get so intertwined in a world of useless tiny things that I forget that there is something bigger, much bigger. And if I would just step back and look at the whole picture, or even just a larger portion of it I would see something beautiful. Or maybe I would see that the little pains I feel sometimes are nothing in the grand scheme of things. A little perspective never hurt anyone. Going to watch that game that that team played gave me the slightest glimpse. I thought no one noticed me, like I was a ghost just gliding through motions in so many social scenes. And then this girl upon our introduction brought up doing yoga with me. Maybe I dont exist in the shadows. Maybe the picture is so much bigger than the cubby on the floor that I sit in to study. I think its time to take a few steps back from the intrinsics that envelop me.

I'm Hopelessly Hopeful, You're Just Hopeless Enough

First off, I may love Pete Wentz a bit. His One Tree Hill appearances nearly completed my life. And his lyrics haunt my mind so frequently. What a stud. But thats entirely not the point. I was listening to Fall Out Boy and this stuck out a little, as most of their lyrics do. Maybe no one else ever feels this way but I am a little bit of a hopeless romantic. I dont show it much as I am very slow to trust anyone and I dont like things that involve emotions or feelings. But deep down I have this major hopelessly hopefulness that I will fall in love and it will be a bit of a fairy tale in a random and crazy way. I know I perpetuate this because I am such a sucker for love stories on television, like Chuck and Blair. I love them. Yet when I close my eyes and think of the many men I know, only one comes to mind and he is just hopeless. Maybe I just fall for the ones that are a bit hopeless. I am not quite sure. The only thing I am sure of is what I am looking for ultimately. I need someone that will listen to my music and laugh with me at obscure things and make forts in cardboard boxes or read books about dinosaurs. Regardless, here I am listening to Fall Out Boy and being a bit hopeless and wondering if a fairy tale of any sort is in my near future.

Dont Feed the Animals

I am that person that wants to feed the animals at the zoo. If I was allowed I would be playing in their cages with them. But I think they have glass and fences there for a reason. This led me to thinking about why they have signs about not feeding the animals. Then I took it out of context but into context at the same time. Its like feeding people. If you go out of your way to feed people because you enjoy it or its nice well they kinda become just like the animals. They expect it. They learn to not feed themselves and to depend on someone else to provide them with nourishment. Its not just food, its just a general concept. If you are always stepping across boundaries or into cages because you want to or because you think they might like it, well you are setting them up for failure. We all need to learn to stand on our own. To feed ourselves. So even though it seems like we are helping maybe the real way to help people would be to push them to stand on their own two feet. Everyone needs to learn independence sometimes. So next time you see the animals and want to feed them look at the bigger picture and dont set them up for a life of co-dependence.

Friends With Benefit

Not benefits, just benefit. I am not talking about those relationships that people dont define or the ones defined as open. It's a whole different concept. One that looks at the benefit of the people that change our lives. Its often so subtle. Subtle in a way that I scarcely notice as these souls make their home in my life. Until one day when I feel alone. Then one of them makes its way off the shelf and into the hole that has grown inside of me. Its those seemingly insignificant acts that remind me why we have friends, why we cant go it alone. Sometimes its a simple text, or an unexpected hug, or just someone that reminds you that they are there to listen, or that they care, or that they can see that you feel alone and they know they cant fill that but they will do anything they can to help. Its those people that know that you just want to see dinosaurs or make crafts instead of having a party. Or the people that from the other side of the world still find the time or words to say to let you know that you still exist. I often forget the benefit of friends. I think that I am strong and independent and that I dont need people. I am so wrong. And I am glad I am wrong.

Mari et Rozi

Its been one year. Exactly one year since everything changed. I was told that time heals. After the first two months or so I stopped believing that because I had waited a period of what I thought was a long time and I was not healed. I didnt understand. A friend told me some pains take years, even decades, to heal. It has been a full year and its like salt in a wound that hasnt healed. Everything is brought to the surface. The wound is reopened and the pain feels unbearable at times. I sat there uncontrollably crying while watching a season finale of a very unsad show. I paused it and made a call. I was told if there was some emergency to call your cell otherwise to wait a bit til you got home. I called. I barely said hello. I got out that it wasnt an emergency and then I just cried. I finally got out the words that its been a year. Instantly you knew. You said you werent home cuz you took the kids out for dinner and a movie so they wont be sitting at home feeling this way. I wish I was there. I dont know if I ever have felt as homesick as I did in that moment. I just wanted you to be here to hold me, understanding without me talking. Its nearly impossible to express to someone else why I feel this way or how I feel. So to know that I am not alone makes it the slightest bit easier.

I am not writing this because I want someone to feel bad that I am sad and broken. I am writing because next year when I feel this way and maybe even the slightest bit less sad I will have something to remind me that I am not alone. And I am writing it because perhaps it will give someone else a glimmer of hope. I know a little bit about what sorrow and pain are and how much it sucks to ache because of choices someone else has made. I know what its like to have tears streaming uncontrollably down your face and to feel so alone that your whole body aches. I know the anxiety that accompanies it and makes you feel like vomitting or screaming because of the pressure building up in your chest. Its all just a bit unpleasant. So the next time you feel that way or any of that way I hope you think to call me, or message me or anything. Because no one should feel alone. And know that time does heal. I used to think in one year everything would be perfect again, or at least some version of perfection that was beautiful. But I have learned that some things take a lot of time and all you can do is make the most of each day and remind yourself how far you have come, even if it feels like today you are back to square one. And maybe if you feel that way you just need to listen to some emo music and eat some chocolate or just watch a really sad movie. Those all make me feel less alone and upset about my lack of control over my tear ducts.

I have survived one year when at first I thought I would just fade away due to brokenness and sorrow. Maybe I am stronger than I thought.

Everything's Not What It Seems

There are so many words I cant say.
Words that have no home in you.
You changed everything, do you even know that?
You made words mean nothing.

I had your word.
You said it was temporary.
Things would be worked out.
Call it what you want, but it felt like a lie.
You were never coming back.

I want you to know I am strong.
I dont write because I am strong.
Its not out of weakness.
I do it because I am not going to let you dictate.
You dont deserve to cause me anxiety.
You dont deserve to haunt my sleep.
I am taking control of my life.

It has been 365 days.
You made a choice with more dominoes than you knew.
And yet I am one of the people picking them back up.
It feels unfair.

I am not angry.
I am not blaming myself.
I am just sad.
Sad at how its turning out.
Sad that it still hurts.

But I will get through this.
Tomorrow will come.
And I will smile.
And I will fake it everyday.
Until I dont have to anymore.

Lines of Honesty

Lines are drawn so often. To cross out days on a calendar. To play hopscotch. To mark where to drive. To define relationships. But not all lines are tangible. Sometimes they are in our heads. Not like a fake imaginary friend that we talk to, but lines that we create to guide us. They mark our moral standards, our outward choices. They often dictate what we say compared to what we are actually thinking. They can force  us to do hard things or to restrain from reckless things. But how often do we consciously think of these lines? I do, a lot. I spend a lot of time in my head in general so that may be why I find myself thinking of lines and where I stand on a nearly regular basis.

This thought was screaming a bit in my head as I was writing the previous post. I wondered if my writing gets too honest sometimes. If I say things that cross some honesty line. This led my mind back across several posts wondering if I have left things out because I thought they were too honest. Or if I had said brutally true things without a second thought. Both have happened. The overly honest ones tend to be the times when I write about the most painful or emotional things that have happened. I sometimes delete those writings and rewrite them several times and never post because I doubt that they mean anything. But thats not where this line is. This is my blog. A place for my words. Any words I want to share. And sometimes those words may seem convoluted by emotion and thats because they are. But I write in an attempt to better understand myself and to record my figurings of life out. So I dont regret any lines of honesty that may be in someone else's head that I may cross. Life needs more honesty and I am trying to embrace that.

Also I was thinking how a visual conscience like JD's, the rabbit in the track suit, would be overly beneficial in line situations.

The Anticipation in Three Days Arrival

I am scared the day will come and I wont be able to handle it. That the sorrow will overwhelm me. I am scared that the day will come and I will feel nothing. Would it be worse to still feel broken and empty and sad and lost after one year or to feel emotionally cold and dead?

I wish I knew.

The fear may be in finding out something about myself that I dont want to know. I dont want to face the fact that I probably havent been truly happy in a long time. And I dont want to realize that I somehow lost the ability to love or open my heart. I would not like this anniversary to come. But sadly I cant control time. And the next three days I am a bit busy so I dont even have time to create a time machine. I mean if I do create a time machine sometime in my life I could always go back to before this time and then make it so I dont have that day or that something magical happens. So thats still an option to keep on the table. Its just like a 50/50 sort of chance of that happening. So in case it doesnt, I wish I could just let go of the wondering. I already know. Who am I kidding. If I stop for more than a handful of seconds on saturday I will likely breakdown and become a massive wreck. But it will be okay. Because it means that I am still alive. That I still have a beating heart that has the ability to break. It means that I have the ability to feel. It also means that I have a bit of a ways to go. I let myself feel like I keep my heart on a block of ice to try and numb sensations that are unwanted. But at the end of the day I am just trying to protect myself. I even think its okay to have some days be knowingly sad days. Anniversaries of sad events are going to expectedly bring about salty drops that will find their way down my face and thats only because I have a tendency to rip out chunks of my heart and knowingly give them out in unideal situations. But people die. And people leave. And people dont always love us back. But one year minus three days ago I couldnt even fake imagine feeling like I have any heart pieces to share with anyone and even though I may still cry sometimes now I ultimately feel in control of my life and I can feel my beating heart. I am not as broken as I was. I am healing. Things will be alright.

Adverse Karamic Reactions

Apparently my karma is off, or I am being punished for something. Thats the only explanation for my unlikely series of unfortunate situations. Hopefully by finding the words to describe the previous week I will figure out where I went wrong and how to realign myself with the universe.

It all began with a simple virus. A voice was lost. Then breathing became more effort then it should be. This resulted in a prescription. This gave breath but also several very undesired side effects. The adverse effects poured over into all aspects of life and when Monday came it felt like the weekend was only a drain not a refresher. Waking to a powerless building only heightened this sense of dreary gloom. The prospect of candle light being my only option in the evenings and no oven seemed to hang over me. And yet as I sit here typing I actually feel a bit relieved. I thought that the universe hated me or that I had clearly ruined my own karma. But I think I just needed a reminder of the simplicity of things and how little we actually need. Its so easy for me to get caught up in useless things and waste immense amounts of time. The beauty of the reflection of candles in the mirror and knowing that all I can do is let go is exactly what I  needed. Last night was so simple and relieving. I almost hope that my power is still off tonight so I am forced to just read and contemplate without so many distractions.

Thank you for hating me a bit universe. I feel much more aligned and at peace with things. I think I am on a road to happiness. Finally.

Sour Coke Bottle Lollies

You feared your words would hurt. That they would ruin my day. Quite the opposite happened. I needed to hear from you yesterday and you had no idea. I wasnt looking for explanations or love or apologies. All I wanted was you back because I dont have to hide anything with you. Sometimes I hate you a little bit. But mostly I miss you because you listen. You see past what everyone else sees. And sometimes thats the worst. Because I cant fake anything if you are there. You can read me better than anyone and I dont understand why. Thats what makes you knowing my secrets both beautiful and difficult. One day I just let go of us I suppose. Only because you had too. But I think somewhere deep down and very twisted and hidden inside me still thinks things could change one day. One day in the future when you have a robot that puts your pants on for you and when I dont live 3900000 miles away.  

For once I am not stressed about it. I am not concerned about what may or may not happen. I just wonder if my heart, and even yours, can handle one more goodbye. It might be worth it to have a few more days of epic randomness. Six full months has already been too long so by the time we are hitting eight I may be willing to risk some after hurt for stolen moments. So I am eating what I imagine your favourite lollies being (even though you have never even had them) because it makes you feel a bit closer and me a bit less alone.

Michael J Fox, Scrubs and Hair OCD

Michael J Fox makes me think of Scrubs. He was a guest star for a few episodes as a doctor that had severe OCD. I think of how hard it would be to live with OCD. Although I do believe that most people have some OCD tendencies. I cant leave chairs at the table pushed out. They must be pushed back in before I can leave the room. When I eat mango sorbet I have to dish it out in a fashion that leaves the surface flat. Worst of all is my hair OCD. I get really stressed and anxious about my hair. If I have a few pieces out of place I search frantically for a bobby pin. If I walk past a mirror and my hair is not how I imagined it I have to stop and somehow change it. Post shower I immediately have to do something to try and fix it up somehow before I get anxious. When I study or take exams I have to be aware to pull my hair up out of my face in order to prevent massive distraction and hair frustration. This has been a bit of an issue for a few years now. I am currently growing my hair out. It makes me want to rip my hair out. I chopped it all off into a pixie cut and am now trying to let it just grow and grow. Sadly, this is an extremely painful task. I will admit that I get so anxious about my hair growing out it brings me to tears. I am determined to not give in though and not to cut it. So as I sit here thinking about how hard it will be to just wax up and toussle my hair for a messy look for the next 6plus weeks til its not awful I keep telling myself its just hair. Why does something so insignificant matter? People can even say my hair is cute but if I am not feeling it I just get more self conscious. I wish that Michael J Fox was here to make some elaborate display of how I need to get over my insecurities and fear. Like when he helped every person at Sacred Heart. I am trying not to be so crazy but somedays its hard.

Part 4. TPAB

This is my finale of this sequence. Today, being Thursday, was my typical class night. TPAB was there. With a new girl who had actually never done yoga before. I realized that I didnt care if they were dating or besties or anything. Because he isnt real. He is real in the sense that he exists. He is a human that crosses my path. But he is not real in my personal scheme of things in the sense that when I think of someone to call or laugh with, he isnt on the spectrum. He is not a part of my life and likely never will be. Oddly I feel really at peace recognizing that. I waste a lot of time imagining and pondering very unplausible situations. Things that have only the most miniscule chance of happening. I perhaps believe in fairytales. But I am a realist more than most things. So when I stop and take note of the situation, TPAB is not part of a bigger picture. And thats okay. The end.

I Hear Sadness Inside You

Why cant the meantime be okay? Or even happy? The meantime cant always be this hard. I can be happy if I am numb. If I ignore all of the things that hurt and that make me crazy. Or I can face them and be sad. And the sadness comes out in bouts of tears that overtake the breaths I already struggle to make. The moments of things being hard or sad or stressful or overwhelming are becoming more than the moments that make me laugh and smile. Its not a ratio I enjoy. Something has to change. I only wish I knew what.



Do at least one thing a day for yourself. I am painting my nails black. So for at least 10 minutes today I am trying to change this.

Face Five

Who doesnt like a high five? Let's be honest, I really do like a solid high five. Its a sense of bonding over awesomeness. So why dont people like face fives? I mean its not a slap, its a high five to the face. Just something to mull over.

ps My lungs have redeemed themselves for another day due to the usage of steroids. Thank you for  a sample doctor. I may actually survive this.

How Facebook Has Led To a Decline In Society

I finally acknowledged and have begun to deal with the detriments of facebook in my own life. Its no longer on my toolbar and I am logged out so its a lot more effort to use it. I also monitor my usage to checking like three times a day. And just checking, not leaving it open, not chatting, not stalking every person and everyone of their friends, friends dogs page. This had to be implemented as I realized how much facebook has become a negative influence in my life.

Before we used to have to talk to people to find out their life story. We had to work to be social and to get to know things. Now all you need is a first name, if you have common friends they pop up with that. A last name is helpful too. Something far too easy to obtain. We no longer have to just be fake to someone face-to-face, now we can look at their photos and judge them in our own harsh ways and then write some awesome comment about how we love their boots that just compliment that bracelet they have on. We can also spend ages thinking of something super hip to say as our status in an attempt to remind everyone else that we really are fabulous and lead the most epic lives. It has become a tool for creating false friendships, for stalking and for judging people and tearing them apart in a whole new way. And I actually kinda dont really like it.

I am one of those people that facebook purges. If you dont actually talk to me on fb or we are not friends in real life then we are not facebook friends. Thats life. I dont need numbers on a site, I need friends in real life. I dont need to waste time comparing myself to others, or wondering what people think when they see photos of me or read my status. I love the ability to catch up with friends in other countries, or for uni correspondance, or to see photos of friends weddings or vacations. But thats about where it is ending.

Facebook allows people like me, those of us who are overtly shy, to just back ourselves into our caves and be even more antisocial. It promotes spending time in your room on your laptop, or on your phone, or whatever, just checking things out instead of getting out and living. So facebook, I loved your movie, I love some aspects, but I love life and living it a whole heck of a lot more than I enjoy seeing what some randoms girlfriend looks like. Welcome to my blacklist.

My New Outlet

I like drawing. I have very little artistic skill. I have not been in any form of an art class since grade 5, and trust me, that was ages ago. But regardless, I decided I dont draw for someone else. I am not trying to impress someone with mad skillz. So I started drawing again. I draw on envelopes and put them on my wall. And it actually is very fulfilling. I think I needed a new creative outlet for when I dont have words. This whole doing things for myself thing is working out really well.

They Are Not You

The house is silent. I have made a choice. I dont want to try to impress people. I dont want to try and act any way because it seems to be the right way. I have nothing to prove to anyone. I just want to be able to look in the mirror and see myself. Sometimes that means dark nails and band shirts and loud punk music. And sometimes it means sigur rose and yoga. Sometimes it means I am making bracelets or painting. But all the time it means I am doing what I want because I want it. My life isnt about trying to find and impress some guy so I can have a perfect love fairytale. Its not about trying to be prettier or more outgoing than the other girls so some guy will remember me. Its not about beating everyone on stupid exams. I am tired of all of that. All that matters is being me, and things will fit into that or they wont. And the things that dont fit never were right in the first place.

Welcome to me not trying to impress anybody.

Part 3. TPAB

No, I am not a stalker. Yes, I am writing a part three. Tonight he came to class. Holla!  Although he was chatting with some girl in a non datingish type way it appeared as he came in. However, I woke up voiceless today so my voice sounded like a duck, dirty hooker or a sexy raspy cowboy- depending who you asked. So my attention while teaching was solely on actually getting words to come out of my mouth. Awesome. As class came to a close he gave me the usual nod and I noticed that him and the girl left the room together but said nothing, so it still appeared overly platonic. She was waiting outside the changerooms as I entered, I assumed for him. I grabbed my stuff and walked to the store to get something for my throat. As I was leaving, in my own world as usual, I was shocked when I saw TPAB and the girl, walking in the shopping centre. His keys were dangling and he seemed disinterested and unsure of where they were even going perhaps. As I looked away he did a double take. Double takes should make any girl feel good. Then, being me, as I kept walking I turned to see which shop they were heading into, it was the fruit place. He was looking back at me again. Nailed it! That is not a gf. I theorize that if it was they would have been holding hands, or walking close together or he would not have double taked TWICE. Ergo, I can still have my minor crush on the PTAB even though I know absolutely nothing about him, except that he has two shirts, one arizona one and one other one, and he sometimes comes to my yoga class. Now to find a way to friend him. Yes, I am crazy.

Unmundaneing the Mundane Things

Somedays seem mundane. Its like nothing changes from one day to the next. Things become routine. Habits are formed. Some good, some detrimental. Its like in Donny Darko and the people are just moving like blurs. And yet little is done to change it. Something we have little power over. Our biggest time consumer is work in some form, a job, uni, a family. So we try and find the little things we can do to change things. Perhaps a new show to follow, or a book to curl up to. Maybe a commitment to go to new restaurants or to exercise more. We try and overcome the mundaneness we have allowed to creep into our lives.

I go for a different approach. I try and take the most mundane things to change. So I sleep with my pillow upside down so the giraffe head does not match with the quilt. Or I just sleep at the wrong end of the bed.  I will not accept that things are unchangeable and have to be boring. Welcome to the unmundaneness of my life.

A Goodbye Ode of Expressionlessness

Its beyond feeling. I can talk about you and how it feels like you broke my heart completely expressionless. I dont ache because I dont hear from you. I dont cry because you just lost interest or something changed and you never decided to tell me. I dont look in the mirror and wonder what I did wrong. I am beyond feeling anything in your direction. You dont deserve to be someone that evokes emotion in my life. In all honesty I would have done absolutely anything for you. I loved you entirely. And for some reason that wasnt enough. Or maybe you werent enough to man up and reciprocate whole heartedly. I believe that love overcomes distance and well anything, if you are willing to work. It has been too long of you not being able to show you care. I am done standing in the doorway with a candle wondering if you will ever come around again. I wonder if I should have checked out for good when I left, why couldnt you just let me then? I hope one day you can see that love is not dead like the plague. I also hope that one day when you look into my eyes and see that somewhere deep and hidden you broke my heart, you realize that it is entirely your fault I am gone.  This is long overdue. It's the closure I dont know if I even need because its already so much of the past. You know where to find me if you ever become a man.

xo

The Ones We Keep From Ourselves

We all have secrets. Some we keep from others. And some we keep from ourselves. And we can sit here and claim we are open books or that we have nothing to hide. But in that case I wonder if we have really searched within ourselves and if there actually is nothing we try and hide from our conscious thought.

Maybe it was that time in elementary school when we were bullied, or maybe we were the bully. Or maybe it was when you rejected someone you liked because you were trying to portray some image you thought people would like better. Or maybe it was an injury that sucked more than anything that you are trying to forget.

Regardless of what it is we are all bound by secrets. And when we let them go we are just setting ourselves free. This is partly why I have a minor obsession with secrets. I think they tell you nearly everything about someone. What you choose to keep quiet about with others or from yourself speaks volumes. And in that moment when you release it I cant think of anything more beautiful. Its time to start setting ourselves free.

How Can I Get a Hug to You There, When My Arms Are Here?

My eyes keep glancing to my upside down pillow. My body is getting a little achey. Its time to switch playlists and lay down and close my eyes. But you wont be up yet. I have to wait at least an hour, maybe two before I can call. Or I could sleep and call in 8 hours. But with my arms so far away I dont want to delay. Today is your special day, yet I feel like you probably arent going to wake up feeling ultra special. At some point you will probably cry because this will be your first birthday since it all came crashing down. My eyes are welling up, its all a little blurry even though I have my super thick glasses on. Maybe you will just be happy today, maybe its just me that thinks of it this way, but I doubt thats true. I wish it was. You try and put on a strong face for everyone but today is the day everyone should put on  a strong face for you. If we skype I will put on my strongest most loving face.

We werent as close as we could have been growing up. When I wanted Ketchup Chips it wasnt you I went to. And when I wanted to throw a football or learn to shoot I didnt ask you to teach me. And one time we got in a big fight and I still feel bad about it. But when I had ballet practice, before I thought it was boring, you took me. Or the singing lessons, or gymnastic lessons. Piano lessons and many, many festivals and recitals happened and you never missed them- even the ones you should have skipped because I was so unprepared. When I was so little and in the hospital you were there day in and day out. When I grew up and was back in for tonsils you sat there and waited through my surgery. And then when I had appendicitis and we didnt know it you were the one to take me into the hospital and sit in the ER with a squirmy toddler for 8 hours because you knew I was in pain and scared. You came each day after that surgery and even got me a wheelie cart in Walmart when I came out. When I went in for yet another surgery in the fall you were there the whole time and the next two weeks when I couldnt even button up a shirt you were there every step of the way.

I used to think I would rather die than tell you about a boy. And then it changed. I remember crying on your bed after one broke my heart. And then another. You always cared, I just didnt always see it that way. I didnt realize you just wanted me to have an easier go than you did.

But the day that it all changed the most and we became best friends truly was that day I sat on your bathroom floor crying. I had never hurt so much in my life and you saw that and just knelt down with me.

Sometimes I wonder how I could leave, I know it was mostly selfish, but I do wonder how I could move for so long so far away when I knew you were hurting. I wonder if you know how much I miss home. I wonder if you realize the first pictures I put up are the photo booth ones we took each year you visited me at uni. If you know that I have every card you have sent me over here up on a wall. If you know that I tell all my friends how cool you are. Or if you realize that everytime I bake I think of how one day I want to be like you and have baking out whenever company rocks up.

You have been my strength and my rock through every hard thing I have went through. And you have been there to stand on a chair and yell "thats my baby" everytime I accomplished something. You have embarrassed me soo many times and yet I wouldnt erase any of them. I  used to get so annoyed when the guys would tell me you were hot, but then I realized I should just be glad that you are aging fabulously and still up for all the stupid things I think are fun.

Its only eight more weeks til I see you and I am so stoked. Thank you for raising me. For loving me  unconditionally. For being my best friend even when I didnt want one. I love you with all my heart and I hope today you have the happiest birthday knowing that you are awesome, and that there is no charge for awesomeness.

I love you Mum. xo

Your Heart Is a Weapon The Size of Your Fist

Power to the people that fight for what they believe in. It's important to be passionate and to be willing to stand up for what you believe in. When I am arguing defiantly about why the ankylosaurous was known for protecting its young due to the way its bones have been found I hope you imagine me standing there with my fist in the air holding my heart. Because thats how I feel.  Being passionate is what makes us feel alive. I think I am going to let passion guide more of my decisions, it seems like a good idea.