Taxidermy

The other night I was at dinner. And at some point I realized that I was saying really strange things. I think I realized it because the other two people there were staring at me and asking what I was on. And then it came out that this was actually me being normal. I just had been too tired lately to be me. Plus at nearly 2am the other night I was talking to my brother. And when we talk the best of me comes out. And once I get going it can take days before I can revert to basic human interactions. You see we talk about really important things. So instead of me trying to make up words that will be less accurate to reality I am going to overload you reality. BAM!

Who else wakes up to dinosaurs? That was only the first of many..

Dont worry, I keep my taxdermied squirrels in my purse or my pocket so I can pet them when I am lonely. I miss this guy more than anything in the freaking world. I dont know what I would do without weekly skype dates and imessaging.

Our Unisolated Isolated Experiences

It often feels like our experiences are isolated. At least to me. I think things like how no one could ever understand because it didnt happen to them this way. But I think as individual as our experiences are they are also relatable to a degree I cannot explain. We are less alone than we think. And I am not referring to UFO's. I was reminded this by my beautiful mother this afternoon. I had picked up the phone out of longing and desperation. Frustration at feeling like I had accomplished nothing that mattered and that everyone else had what mattered and yet couldnt seem to see it. I know that we are so short sighted and it is easier to see things in someone else. But it was one of those moments when I wanted to scream. To admit that I would give anything to be a mother and yet feel constantly reminded that there is a chance that will never be me. And for some reason the more time that goes by the more fears I create. And irrespective of that I have just felt so overwhelmed and alone and like I have had no outlet. So I phoned home. I thought of how ET must of felt and how hard it would have been. Sometimes home seems far away.

And somehow home can provide a comfort that I forget exists. The words were full of life experience, of faith so much stronger than my own, of pride in my achievements and of love. Sometimes I just need to hear that I am not just about to jump off a cliff to my own death. So as much as I am realizing that time is short and I have so much to do and see and live in this place I also am trying to remember that I need to make the most of this and not waste my time being stressed or else I will move away with regrets.

Perhaps I wont find someone that understands what it feels like to give up something sure in a place you like to go back to the place you ran away from, the place that still holds pain and scarring. But I am mostly sure I will find people that understand how hard leaving can be and that know growing up is hard. And maybe that is all I need. Maybe sometimes all we need is to know that someone cares, not that someone knows the exact feelings of dispair lurking within. And today all it took was the love and faith of one person that pushed me back to a place of courage while walking into the dark instead of the fear that comes with being prodded off a plank.

But Can You Tell Me Now, You're The Lucky One

The fatal flaw seems to be the inability to see more than the moment. To not be aware of the big picture. To be so caught up in self destruction to not realize how lucky we are. At least that seems to be my most constant battle. I mean I can corpse up really nice but I cant seem to coordinate my life. I am getting so caught up in everyone having these futures lined up so nicely. They all either seem to have their career or their spouse and or child. And I look and realize I dont have any of that. I am about to graduate and am one of the few that doesnt have a job and it is my own fault. And because of that I am so becoming so unaware of how lucky I am. I want to say that I feel like I have the world at my feet, but I feel like it is on my shoulders and as everyone seems to point out, I am not very strong. I just hope that I can stop being so blind and self centered before I let everything come crashing down. Somewhere deep down I know I should be able to tell you I am a lucky one, but today those words just arent on my tongue.

Bad Times Always Seem to Last

It is literally 2:22 and 22s. At least it was when I started that sentence. And yet the matching numbers brought no smile. This was supposed to be moments of me faking chirpyness during a 2am interview. This was me supposed to be me getting a job and a future and having it all work. I wasnt even optimistic, I just wanted a chance. I should have known the fact that I am not registered there yet would mean they wouldnt even think of me. I just assumed since they bothered to set up an interview that meant something. It just meant interrupted sleep and dashed hopes.

Each day seems more trying. I feel like I have given up so much this week and absolutely nothing has come in return. All I can do is second guess. But it feels to late to change my mind and I know I made my choice for a reason. I just never could have imagined how draining this all could be. I am unsure if I could feel like my life is less stable. Even my halloween costume hasnt arrived. It is as if the world is just repeatedly punching me in the face and I have no idea why.

I am so sure that this all feels worse than it is because it looks like I gave up a possibly really good job for knowing that I will have nothing. And I hate myself a little bit for being able to do so. For trying to make the right choice. I just need something to go right to remind me that it is going to be okay. I just need a reminder that this isnt going to last.

Collision Is Such An Ugly Sound

I don't like to see collisions or be a part of it. I mean who would choose to participate in a crash? Not me. I prefer my windows to remain in one piece and for my lashes not to be whipped. And maybe this stems from seeing a traumatic accident during my youth. Regardless, the mere thought of a collision makes my eyes scrunch up and my ears want to close. And yet I feel like I am in the middle of crashes I created.

I knew this was going to be hard. I just didnt think it would be this hard. I didnt expect to have moments where it would feel like I had just walked off the plank moments too soon. I dont understand why life has to punch you in the face when you already are walking away. I suppose I deserve it. I did say that I would rather be punched in the face than given flowers. So there it was.

I dont think I want to actually be punched in the face. I just feel so defensively independent and scared. So much is changing. And I am worried that I am falling behind the eight ball. So I am colliding with myself. I am just letting all of those deep thoughts I dont say come screaming out into each other. And it is resulting in frustration. I understand why my dear patient cried today out of frustration. Wanting something and not being able to make it happen in the way you want is disheartening.

I just need to take a step back. But I dont have time to waste. So instead I just waste even more time arguing within my inner monologue. I need to just make things happen. To maximize this time. To sleep. To see what everyone else can see.  I need to walk away from the collision I felt I created and hold my head up high and be proud of where I am at instead of yearning for a life that someone else lives. Today life felt hard.

My Discomfort With Your Salty Water

The tears are stalking me. It is like there is an unknown being that recognizes my extreme aversion to those salty drops and therefore tries to place as many dripping areas as possible into my current existence. It appears that none of the others have any patients that leak and yet far too many of mine do. And not because I am awful, usually just because they are overwhelmed. And I probably would feel the same if I was them. I just have to admit that I am not fond of these moments. And it isnt because I think people should never cry. I just know that if I am crying something is truly burdening my soul and I hate that feeling so when I think that must be someone else than my heart starts breaking for them and I just want to pull out a little needle and thread and try and stitch them back together. So I swear I dont hate tears because I am heartless, I hate them because they make my heart hurt. My goal is to go through this whole week without tears finding their way into my life. But I know it wont happen because I work with people that have a reason to cry and burdens I cant entirely lift. So maybe I should wish that their tears didnt break my heart so much.

I Must Look Like I Am Running Away To You At Your Faster Pace

If you could only slow down long enough to realize I am finally stopping. I am no longer running from everything. I am coming to terms with reality and creating a beautiful future of my own. It isn't running away when you are running to something. It is gracefully leaving. At least that is what I am telling myself. I can only hope that others will feel the same and be as receptive. I already have caused tears and I feel so bad. I didnt mean to upset anyone. I know I will cry but I didnt want anyone else to. Now I am apprehensive about shedding light on it all this week. But the truth is talking a lot is still just talk and that wont change it. I bought a one way flight. It is real. I am finally going to stop running and go home. It is time for me to face the reality that I tried to hide from and I honestly am really excited because I think that this is an important step towards me being able to move on. This place has been a most lovely escape but the truth is that I came here to escape. And no one can run forever. Not happily. So I can only admit that I feel a sense of relief knowing that I have matured and been able to make a proper decision. So I hope you can slow down enough to see that I am not running away.

If Ben Gibbard Knew Me

I am mostly sure my dear friend Ben Gibbard wrote this song about me. It will likely be my theme song for probably the rest of my life, and your life also, incase you live longer and need a song to remember me by.

You see I often wish I was named my middle name not my real name, but because I decided that too late in life I have felt I couldn't ask to be called by it. So only one person uses it, but I secretly wish everyone used it instead. It would be so much better than most nicknames I find myself having so I don't know why I can't find a system to implement this.

Regardless, I am regressing, the point is Ben wrote a solo album. That album came out today. And this one song is exactly what I want a boy to sing for me. And it's not one where someone even has to change a name or anything. It just is perfect. And I am obsessed with it. And I am nearly sure that Ben wrote it about me. That would make sense.

Disclaimer: you cannot hold me responsible for any obsession that occurs from listening to this. Onward.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ak9q7RZRSgc

ADDIT

I feel amiss having not included this in my previous post. So here it is. Plus in patient notes I write an addit when I forget something so I find it is a completely acceptable way of adding information that was previously missed.

I have realized that although feeling unwell has not been my highlight the last few months if it wasnt for that I would never have considered option two. And if I hadnt considered option two I wouldnt have even dreamed of option three. So in reality I feel really grateful that I was put in a position where I had to look outside the small diorama that I created my life in to see that there was something more. It reminds me that the Lord is so mindful of every little part of our lives.

A Decision Without An Eight Ball

I have felt tormented with choices. Felt a paralyzing inability to choose. I felt like there were enough pros and cons to make both options as miserably happy as you can imagine. So when I was inspired to think of a third option I wanted to punch myself in the face. I thought "Lauren, you idiot, if you cannot decide between two things then adding a third is the most miserable solution!" But then I thought. And realized option three was everything I wanted. It was the best of both worlds. And so I made three pros and cons charts, thankgoodness I have a book of premade pros and cons charts (and no I didnt make it, I was given it as a gift). So off I went. And option three had the most pros.

So I made three choices. I texted two people. One seriously. One hypothetically. Then I went for a run to clear my head. Then I facebooked a third. The one person that I for some reason felt could help make it a reality. She is a young mother I have looked up to since before she even got married. I remember the day before she left for her wedding I told her that if she came back and was one of those weird married people I would never speak to her again. I wasnt joking. She came back normal. And ever since then I have wanted a marriage like hers. Needless to say, I really love this girl. So I asked for her help. And somehow just knowing that she would support me and at least peek around a few corners made it all seem real.

I know exactly what I want to do. And the thought makes me really happy. I just hope that I can make it a reality. With fingers crossed.

Never Grow Up

I thought if I closed my eyes I would be able to envision my future. What I want to happen next. But that has never worked for me. And in a way that scares me. I cant picture the things that are reality. I can only ever seem to imagine the things that are too far out of my reach. Like lying in a meadow with a unicorn. And somehow that doesnt lend a vine when I am being engulfed in the murky bog that is my life.

I think Peter Pan had it right when he decided to never grow up. I wish I was in Neverland. Then I wouldnt be in this bog. And I definitely wouldnt be overwhelmed with decisions that actually matter. I dont know how grown ups do it. Working out finances, debts, career options and the expenses entailed is so frustrating and awful. It if like choosing to poke yourself in the eye repeatedly and even though you know it is the worst you just keep going.

And it seems like every time I get close to figuring it out I realize that I have actually missed 97.24735893425 percent of the picture and actually have no idea what the heck is suitable. I can see the grains of sand slipping through the glass and recognize that the time is running thin but I cant seem to sort it out. I just feel so inadequately knowledgeable and see no options that is maximal. The solution isnt clear. Sacrifices will have to be made. I just do not feel ready to sacrifice anything. I want too much. And I feel like what I am asking for isnt too much, it just isnt feasible. So I think I am going to try and be grown up and wait until next week when hopefully a gap or two of blank information lines is filled and then make a choice. And that choice will likely be finding a way to Neverland.

I Must Not Have Found It Yet

If I had it myself I wouldnt pine for theirs. So I must not have found it yet. I wouldnt care so much about fictional characters in televisions shows falling in love if I had a love like theirs. So this must be why I just die when Chuck and Blair seem to be falling apart or when Wade and Zoey can't seem to get things right. Gah! I just feel like if television can so easily portray true longing and connection then it must be capable in real life. I just can't rely on television to tell me how it happens and that is exactly where I get caught up. I just wish I had a handbook on it all. One that said exactly where to wander to at least have that cute meet that leads to a rocky road of eternal bliss.

Magic Eight Ball Humans

All my thoughts are scattered lately. It's is like my mind is constantly playing a combination of scrabble and boggle at the same time, and well, no one can win at that game. So all I can really do is vomit out the words I think of as it seems to be the only type of vomit this little body is capable of.

I sought advice from two different sources today. Both experts per-say in their respective fields. One educated and one in religion. I was looking for separate information and it all has turned out so backwards. I thought I knew what the medicine man would say. He has left me with a sense of speechlessness as all I can do is process the thoughts he laid forth. And then I was expecting something vague from the religious leader and yet heard something so definite. I wonder if my thoughts guided his. Or if I just wanted verification. Either way both responses were not what I expected. Humans are so like magic eight balls, unpredictable.

I think that if I had a magic eight ball right now it would be telling me that the next few weeks are setting a stage for change. I think it is almost time to test out my wings and leave the best, but I already know there will be a lot of falling involved so am hesitant to take that first plunge. But as I am only human I must admit I can be as unpredictable as those beloved magic eight balls so who knows what is about to transpire.

I Hate The Way I Love You

Truth is I dont know that I could love someone more. And that someone could know all of me and care as much as you. And that is only one of the reasons I can sit here writing about how much I hate loving you. I hate it so much it makes me want to jump on my bed and scream and throw my dinosaur pillow at the wall. I may in fact do that minus the screaming as I wouldnt want to draw attention to myself, although the scent of my freshly baked banana bread may drown out any other actions I perform this evening.

How is it possible that you can meet someone and from that moment feel a connection? To have instant trust. To have a bond that seems umbreakable despite all of the cities and countries we continually place between us. To be able to pick up a phone after months and have nothing change. To be so secure in ourselves that there is never any question. Except the only question. The one that we exchange in questioning my religion and your lack of. I have filled pages of journals about you. Wasted so much voice expresssing my frustration to close ones. And yet none of it matters because I cant sit here and say we werent. We arent. All I can write is how regardless of the years and the distance and our lives I wonder if I could ever love anyone more. We havent even given it a shot. Purposely. I keep moving countries. You keep having plans. We keep being individual. And it always brings us back to the same place.

I wonder if at this point you can even deny it? No one else can. Our coworkers knew before we did. Even the people that I thought wouldnt see it say they do. We arent just passing humans. You have changed my life. You make me a better person. You are everything I could ever want except for one thing. How can one person be so perfect and yet possibly so perfectly wrong? And how can I feel all of this screaming in my ears when I havent seen you in so long and when someone else brings me flowers? How can I be so confused and lost and yet appear so put together.

I need to know you love me back so we can both hate this as much as I do. I hate the way I dont know how to stop loving you.

The Tightrope

Balance is a fine line. It is an act that the world creates almost seamlessly although the effects of it are rippled and feel like earthquakes. Today's mail rang this true more than ever. I had two items. Both shockingly unexpected. One was a letter saying my tax return has to be verified and I may not get my money for another 2.5 months if it is verified. Good thing I was counting on that three and a half grand they took from my pockets, awesome. The other was a gift certificate for a lavish gluten free website from someone that was a big part of my past for such a short time. An incredibly thought and unnecessary gift that came out of a preordered birthday gift that recently hit his doorstep. It was just so thoughtful when nothing was expected. And to arrive the same day as the blow of my taxes just somehow made the world seem right. That and the three gazillion other thoughts in my mind battling as they are all so contrary. There is a balance that wants to be had but I cant believe how contrary everything seems to be to create that equilibrium.

I need to take my turn and walk across this tightrope but I am so scared of falling I dont want to take the first step.

Like Walking Off A Cliff, Knowingly

There is not another description for it. It is like I know exactly what I am about to do but not really knowing what is to come after the fall. Yet in a way it doesnt seem like a choice. Not like I thought it would. I expected to have two platters brought to me. Both full of the most succulent meals you can imagine. Ones that would literally make your mouth water. And then I would be able to choose which one but also I imagined  myself being able to take the best of both worlds. My imagination can be so selfish sometimes apparently. And sadly when it comes to reality what I imagine is often so far from fact.

So here I am. I think I know what I need to do. And knowing is so much worse that not knowing. Maybe because I havent been struck by lightening so dont feel like it is a for sure. I dont know why I want a punch in the face to verify each large decision. But I do. So please punch me in the face. Or just let me know if this is right. Because either way I can see people giving me sad faces and either way I have to make a choice that is so much harder than I thought. And now that I think I have an answer I am scared that I am too weak to follow through. I just know it is going to be hard. And that discomfort and lack of ease is going to hit as soon as I decide and put things into action. I just wanted an easy path this turn.

I hope that someone is waiting to catch me at the bottom of this because I am afraid I am about to walk off the ledge and realized there is nothing there.

Black Pearls, A Lace Dress, And An Apron

There is something about that combination that makes me feel sophisticated, classy, like a housewife. And perhaps that is what I was tonight. I planned and cooked and delivered that small Thanksgiving. It was awkward when it came to the words I should speak and introductions and entertainment. But that has to be expected with my personality and charm. It went well though. Everyone attended. Everyone remembered their dish. There was laughter and it all went off like a well oiled machine. And I ate. I sat there in my little flirty apron and ate a proper meal, and I felt like it was Canadian Thanksgiving like I used to have in America. It felt normal. Familiar. Something I have down to a science of some sort. A family holiday I have traditionally had on my own these last chunk of years. I suppose traditions have to be started somehow and I have come to do that on my own as I havent had a chance to live in theirs lately. It was nice though. It was a really nice evening. But there is a clear sense of relief as I take the pearls off and think of slipping into a warm shower. It went well but I am glad it's over.



So why do I feel so fulfilled and yet so empty at the same time?

The Place Where People Go To Die

Apartment twelve. It was not a place I had been before. I had never even ventured up the stairs in the past eighteenish months. I didnt know what it was like. I still havent ventured high enough for the top half of the building to exist in my mind. But this time we all wandered up. It was an open house. And why not see what these places are valued at?

We walked in and it smelled like an old lady. I am saying this only to give you the complete picture. It had the muskyness and had carpet, something foreign to our feet these days. The art was old and the place was bare but not in a pristine clean way, in an unlived way. And then we all seem to know. Someone must have died there. That was why they were selling the unit. Two floors up and possibly a ghost roaming. There are plenty of older people in our building so it wasnt a surprise. Just a thought that we chose to call realization.

Needless to say we do not feel the need to move upstairs, at least not while we plan on living. It felt like more the type of place you grow old and die.

My Sweet Home Alabama

I don't know if an event sparked it or I just found the roots the rest of my family knew about all along. Regardless, here I am standing on a train listening to an emo-pop band singing a twangy country song and I am loving it. Who doesn't want a sweet home Alabama? A song? Lets just be honest. There is something about country songs that screams home, and love and security. How can you not want to toss on a flannel and your boots and sing by a campfire? Maybe I have been in the city too long. Maybe that dose of fresh air did more than wreck havoc on my lungs. Maybe I am a little homesick for some classic Calgary cowboy life. Or maybe I just need a good dose of my siblings country music to reground me.

"I Would Sell You Out Like A Prostitute"

I am glad that people think my skills as a physiotherapist are comparable to prostitution. I mean in the fact that I should be in high demand. If only employers knew that. Actually I dont know if I mean that. I know that my peers are starting to get job offers. Plans are being made. And I am not scared that I dont have an offer yet. I am scared that I will get an offer. If someone offers me a job then I have to make a choice. I have to commit to something. And lately any form of commitment seems impossible.

I feel like I have regressed in a sense. I used to be the most noncommital person ever. I was too independent to put my name next to anything. I would do exactly as I pleased and that was that. It wasnt something up for discussion. Then I became someone that felt more of a person with someone. I craved that feeling that someone else was there. That I wasnt alone. And now I have went back. It isnt like I am alone. There are people that actually want someone like me in their life. But right now it just feels complicated and difficult. I feel complicated and difficult. I feel so out of control of so much and because of that I just want to force my will on anything else that I can. I want to feel that I am in charge of something that matters.

So here I am. Being offered out like a prostitute by those that think I should be employed, and me only finding enough energy for a small laugh. So I shall wander the five feet towards my bed and curl up in a ball as I finish my necessary tasks then will attempt to sleep at the late hour of 7pm. I suppose this is why I feel the need to non commit. Because I cant control enough in my life to fulfill my commitments. I am tired of letting people down. I am tired of having to explain that although I am young and vibrant and fit that I just do not have the energy or strength for so much these days. I just want to refind my facade that gives off the strong, "I will fight you" vibe that hides my weakness. But I will have to look for that tomorrow as I am too tired now. I cant even commit to that. Something has to change.

Just A Thing That Takes Time

But it's mine to decide when and if I'll be alright. But that's just a thing that takes time.

It feels like it has been an eternity. I have a life here. One I created for myself from nothing. Some days it  feels like this is all I know. And other days I feel like I just walked off the plane. And because of these conflicting feelings I am at a loss. And I entirely know this isnt a decision for today, or tomorrow or even probably this week. I know it needs time. But I also recognize the timeframe is shrinking. It is like watching shrink art in the oven. All of a sudden it is done and you need to pull them out. A decision will have to be made. And the truth is I have no idea what I am going to do.

I know there are pros and cons for staying and going. I know that these are both internal and external. People could make arguments for days on either end. And both options are good. I just dont know what I want and what leads to the most correct path. And maybe the uncertainty is what is getting to me. I feel like a top waiting for that stop but instead everything is just going in slow motion and  I have no control.

I didnt think growing up would be full of so much uncertainty. I thought it would feel sure and strong. But this is just a thing that will take time and I need to just wait for what happens in the in between to guide I suppose a decision that will shape the next year if not many years to come.