It is literally 2:22 and 22s. At least it was when I started that sentence. And yet the matching numbers brought no smile. This was supposed to be moments of me faking chirpyness during a 2am interview. This was me supposed to be me getting a job and a future and having it all work. I wasnt even optimistic, I just wanted a chance. I should have known the fact that I am not registered there yet would mean they wouldnt even think of me. I just assumed since they bothered to set up an interview that meant something. It just meant interrupted sleep and dashed hopes.
Each day seems more trying. I feel like I have given up so much this week and absolutely nothing has come in return. All I can do is second guess. But it feels to late to change my mind and I know I made my choice for a reason. I just never could have imagined how draining this all could be. I am unsure if I could feel like my life is less stable. Even my halloween costume hasnt arrived. It is as if the world is just repeatedly punching me in the face and I have no idea why.
I am so sure that this all feels worse than it is because it looks like I gave up a possibly really good job for knowing that I will have nothing. And I hate myself a little bit for being able to do so. For trying to make the right choice. I just need something to go right to remind me that it is going to be okay. I just need a reminder that this isnt going to last.
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