Our Unisolated Isolated Experiences

It often feels like our experiences are isolated. At least to me. I think things like how no one could ever understand because it didnt happen to them this way. But I think as individual as our experiences are they are also relatable to a degree I cannot explain. We are less alone than we think. And I am not referring to UFO's. I was reminded this by my beautiful mother this afternoon. I had picked up the phone out of longing and desperation. Frustration at feeling like I had accomplished nothing that mattered and that everyone else had what mattered and yet couldnt seem to see it. I know that we are so short sighted and it is easier to see things in someone else. But it was one of those moments when I wanted to scream. To admit that I would give anything to be a mother and yet feel constantly reminded that there is a chance that will never be me. And for some reason the more time that goes by the more fears I create. And irrespective of that I have just felt so overwhelmed and alone and like I have had no outlet. So I phoned home. I thought of how ET must of felt and how hard it would have been. Sometimes home seems far away.

And somehow home can provide a comfort that I forget exists. The words were full of life experience, of faith so much stronger than my own, of pride in my achievements and of love. Sometimes I just need to hear that I am not just about to jump off a cliff to my own death. So as much as I am realizing that time is short and I have so much to do and see and live in this place I also am trying to remember that I need to make the most of this and not waste my time being stressed or else I will move away with regrets.

Perhaps I wont find someone that understands what it feels like to give up something sure in a place you like to go back to the place you ran away from, the place that still holds pain and scarring. But I am mostly sure I will find people that understand how hard leaving can be and that know growing up is hard. And maybe that is all I need. Maybe sometimes all we need is to know that someone cares, not that someone knows the exact feelings of dispair lurking within. And today all it took was the love and faith of one person that pushed me back to a place of courage while walking into the dark instead of the fear that comes with being prodded off a plank.