Never Grow Up

I thought if I closed my eyes I would be able to envision my future. What I want to happen next. But that has never worked for me. And in a way that scares me. I cant picture the things that are reality. I can only ever seem to imagine the things that are too far out of my reach. Like lying in a meadow with a unicorn. And somehow that doesnt lend a vine when I am being engulfed in the murky bog that is my life.

I think Peter Pan had it right when he decided to never grow up. I wish I was in Neverland. Then I wouldnt be in this bog. And I definitely wouldnt be overwhelmed with decisions that actually matter. I dont know how grown ups do it. Working out finances, debts, career options and the expenses entailed is so frustrating and awful. It if like choosing to poke yourself in the eye repeatedly and even though you know it is the worst you just keep going.

And it seems like every time I get close to figuring it out I realize that I have actually missed 97.24735893425 percent of the picture and actually have no idea what the heck is suitable. I can see the grains of sand slipping through the glass and recognize that the time is running thin but I cant seem to sort it out. I just feel so inadequately knowledgeable and see no options that is maximal. The solution isnt clear. Sacrifices will have to be made. I just do not feel ready to sacrifice anything. I want too much. And I feel like what I am asking for isnt too much, it just isnt feasible. So I think I am going to try and be grown up and wait until next week when hopefully a gap or two of blank information lines is filled and then make a choice. And that choice will likely be finding a way to Neverland.