"I Would Sell You Out Like A Prostitute"

I am glad that people think my skills as a physiotherapist are comparable to prostitution. I mean in the fact that I should be in high demand. If only employers knew that. Actually I dont know if I mean that. I know that my peers are starting to get job offers. Plans are being made. And I am not scared that I dont have an offer yet. I am scared that I will get an offer. If someone offers me a job then I have to make a choice. I have to commit to something. And lately any form of commitment seems impossible.

I feel like I have regressed in a sense. I used to be the most noncommital person ever. I was too independent to put my name next to anything. I would do exactly as I pleased and that was that. It wasnt something up for discussion. Then I became someone that felt more of a person with someone. I craved that feeling that someone else was there. That I wasnt alone. And now I have went back. It isnt like I am alone. There are people that actually want someone like me in their life. But right now it just feels complicated and difficult. I feel complicated and difficult. I feel so out of control of so much and because of that I just want to force my will on anything else that I can. I want to feel that I am in charge of something that matters.

So here I am. Being offered out like a prostitute by those that think I should be employed, and me only finding enough energy for a small laugh. So I shall wander the five feet towards my bed and curl up in a ball as I finish my necessary tasks then will attempt to sleep at the late hour of 7pm. I suppose this is why I feel the need to non commit. Because I cant control enough in my life to fulfill my commitments. I am tired of letting people down. I am tired of having to explain that although I am young and vibrant and fit that I just do not have the energy or strength for so much these days. I just want to refind my facade that gives off the strong, "I will fight you" vibe that hides my weakness. But I will have to look for that tomorrow as I am too tired now. I cant even commit to that. Something has to change.