Truth is I dont know that I could love someone more. And that someone could know all of me and care as much as you. And that is only one of the reasons I can sit here writing about how much I hate loving you. I hate it so much it makes me want to jump on my bed and scream and throw my dinosaur pillow at the wall. I may in fact do that minus the screaming as I wouldnt want to draw attention to myself, although the scent of my freshly baked banana bread may drown out any other actions I perform this evening.
How is it possible that you can meet someone and from that moment feel a connection? To have instant trust. To have a bond that seems umbreakable despite all of the cities and countries we continually place between us. To be able to pick up a phone after months and have nothing change. To be so secure in ourselves that there is never any question. Except the only question. The one that we exchange in questioning my religion and your lack of. I have filled pages of journals about you. Wasted so much voice expresssing my frustration to close ones. And yet none of it matters because I cant sit here and say we werent. We arent. All I can write is how regardless of the years and the distance and our lives I wonder if I could ever love anyone more. We havent even given it a shot. Purposely. I keep moving countries. You keep having plans. We keep being individual. And it always brings us back to the same place.
I wonder if at this point you can even deny it? No one else can. Our coworkers knew before we did. Even the people that I thought wouldnt see it say they do. We arent just passing humans. You have changed my life. You make me a better person. You are everything I could ever want except for one thing. How can one person be so perfect and yet possibly so perfectly wrong? And how can I feel all of this screaming in my ears when I havent seen you in so long and when someone else brings me flowers? How can I be so confused and lost and yet appear so put together.
I need to know you love me back so we can both hate this as much as I do. I hate the way I dont know how to stop loving you.
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