The Force Of The Mountains

It was like we were overcome by a full moon. But we werent. So maybe it was the mountains acting upon us. I have to think it was something because it was such a bizarre twenty and four hours. I want to say it was normal until it was decided we would walk to Tim Hortons for hot chocolate. This walk down the block ended up being closer to ninety minutes. This involved getting lost, having Kate try and take a shopping cart for me to push her in as she didnt want to walk, not having white hot chocolate, walking through a drive thru for hamburgers, having an old crazy smoker lady give us advice on how to ride an inanimate bear we wanted photos with, and a fair few awkward photos. It didnt end once the walk did though. We ventured to the hot tub where another member had their bottoms on inside out so fixed them in the water, then as night fell my little Buttfalo  similar to a buffalo, tried to suffocate me several times as I wanted to sleep.  I want to say things became normal once I woke up being hit in the face by a sleepful sister who denies such. But maybe it was still weird when I bought my newest onesie, it has a backdoor that says "Emergency Exit Eh".

I am so Canadian.

The Greatest Escape

I crave the silence. The aloneness. Sometimes being lonely is super awesome. But then in the same moment I hate the silence. I crave music. I require it. It is like breath to me. I am constantly obsessed with a song. I cannot get enough of the escape that it is. The second I have headphones in it is as if the world doesnt exist. As if I can do anything.

As frustrated and stressed as I have felt lately I am not sure if I have felt any greater release than while shutting out the world and allowing the notes to fill me. I believe music mends broken hearts but that it also mends my other scrapes. I wouldnt say I am obsessed but I might be actually.

I think it took a song and some moments for me to remember that all it takes for me to forget about the world I am wanting to hold up is the right music. Not what you play in the car when I am dying for you to switch it. But the soothing, calming sense that comes from beloveds. I think I need to spend more time with my headphones.

When Emo Rains, It Emo Pours

I have felt so much anger and resentment and loneliness lately.  And I cant explain why. I dream of moving back. My instincts say to leave. To run. It is what I do. When I cant cope or feel there is nothing left I get up and create a new life. I could be a physio if I left. I could do what I do. See my friends. Be on my own. Be back to the beauty of that country. I came back for answers. Answers I thought were here. But I think I was wrong. I shouldnt say I want to leave. I have a really great partner. But for some reason I am feeling resistant. I am feeling anxious and angry. The insecurities rise. I know I cant blame everything on the divorce and the lies and the confusion. But this is feeling like it could be blamed. I thought I was ready for marriage for a life. But maybe I am not. Maybe I cant be with anyone because I cant sustain happiness within. I thought everything was okay but it doesnt feel like it. I dont know the catalyst. I cant explain what changed. All I know is that within I have felt that sense of frustration and sorrow that I so desperately try and escape. The pain that comes from feeling like I am suffocating and drowning at the same time. I just want to get out and breathe. But I dont know how.

I cant just leave right now. I have the wedding in elevenish weeks which means the bridal shower and bacherlorette I have worked to plan plus the day. I cant abandon you for that. I promised to help you and being best friends requires me to stop being selfish, to put your day first. I have easter plans next weekend and appointments the week after. I cant leave before the middle of June. So how do I cope? How do I accept the fact that I may be stuck for another thirty weeks?

I am wasting my skills and talents by working in a job that I did when I was 17. I help no one. I just follow boring task after boring task because I have loans and cannot afford to not work. I didnt go to school for this long to be doing what I could do without graduating high school. I didnt play hundreds of thousands of dollars for an education for this. And because of this I dont know how to not be bitter.

Perhaps I feel angry at you because you are keeping me here. If I didnt love you it would be so much easier to leave. But then I think that you have your own life, a life you are building so independently. I rationalize that you wouldnt be that affected if I left. I do it out of anger. I know you would. I just cant handle the thought of being trapped here where the city is screaming that I have no future.

I just want to run away. Again. All I know is how to run.

So as I sit here with tears I cant explain I realized that as much as I feel like I have been through enough I am wrong. I have so much more growing to do. I need to understand myself better before I can expect someone else to for eternity. So maybe it is time I learn to stay. I cant always run.

Warning: May Contain Explicit Content

The last two days were days I would rather not repeat. I used to think I was tough. Apparently I am not. They were awful. I would go back to the beginning but I dont know where it is. So I will just skip to yesterday.

The day before today was the blessed day were I had the great chance to have both an endoscopy and a colonoscopy. Some how having something shoved down my throat and then up my butt is not my idea of fun. But to make it even better I was able to take 4L of laxatives the day before/morning of. It was awful. But I kept telling myself that at least the procedure would be painless as that is was all of my predecesors told me. They lied. I know I was partially drugged but I have the extremely vivid memory of intense pain and me crying through the pain during it. It was awful. And to make matters worse they said everything was normal! I know, I should be happy. But my inability to feel well doesnt make that my response. I have had regular nausea for a year and a half and with that I have a new sense of motion sickness that makes long car rides and elevator rides a disaster. So them saying they found nothing after torturing me was not my idea of a good day.

Today is the day after. I feel less miserable than the day before but the random cramping and the sore throat along with the papers saying I am fine only frustrate me. I would like a new set of organs. Ones that fail less.

I recognize this is complete whinging. That I could have it so much worse. I am quite lucky and I know that. But I also think that with technology these days it shouldnt be so hard to find out why I feel so sick so often. There has to be an explanation for the nausea and stomach pains. I just wish I could find someone that knew that explanation. And preferably without the pain of yesterday.

On a happy note on the way there my grandparents were driving me and my grandpa played the most awful song. He claimed it was "music to have a colonoscopy to". It was dreadful. Like the colonoscopy. He might have been right.

I am off clear fluids though which makes me a much pleasanter person than I was when I was being starved though so that feels like a good step forwards after feeling like I took a zillion steps back. Maybe I will just go to mind over matter and just ignore it if I feel nauseous. It may work.

One Thing I've Learned, You'll Always Get Hurt, But You Never Give Up

The roller coaster that is me often has those moments where you wonder if it will make it up that hill. When it is chugging along so painfully slowly as the incline only increases but you still know that once it overcomes that upward battle it results in an instant plummet. Yet you live for those moments. I go on roller coasters for the excitement and fear that comes with falling. I crave that anticipation and thrill. So I cant fault life for giving me exactly what I yearn for. As I sat listening to the obvious Motion City  as I studied the lyrics rang more true than  usual. So often I feel such frustration and anger that comes with hurt and wonder why I bother. But they understand. You never give up. Being hurt is part of life. I cant keep living in anticipation of getting hurt. Of worrying that I care too much and wishing I didnt love so whole heartedly. That is me. And I can only guarantee that it will lead to me being hurt again and again but for once I am realizing that I am not going to let it decide that I should give up. I am going to just accept that it happens and try and learn a little more and worry a little less. Instead I should enjoy the thrills of the ride instead of hating myself for the anticipation I cause. I really wish I was on a real roller coaster right now.

UnDéjà Vu

It is a strange feeling. Like déjà vu but somehow different. Perhaps because it is the same situation but feels so much like something new. This week has been confusing. It isnt like anything has really happened and maybe thats why. The snow is blowing steadily as it has for the last eight hours and somehow I can feel the changes that the wind is bringing. Another week and a few days and I am at a new hospital. And then taking my online course and helping you set up a home hopefully. I will be having appointments I have waited so extremely long for and then next thing you know will be a bridal shower and bachelorette I mostly planned. So much is about to happen and I feel like I am on the cusp of my whole life changing. But somehow this week has been so painfully slow and confusing and lonely but not in the way where I have alone time to myself like I want. The kind of lonely where you are never alone on the outside but somehow on the inside you feel it. I want to say it is related to you being gone the way you were when I realized I wanted to be with you. But the only similarity is the city you are in. Nothing has changed with us. We are still us. It is just me. I feel overwhelmed with helplessness and am unsure how to progress. I know I have been here before, so many times. And yet everytime I battle to figure out what to do. Where to go next. How to move on. To create a future that is screaming in my face that it has its own timeline. This has all happened before but I cant figure out the next step. So the only logical thing to do is paint my nails, finish my book and bake tonight. If I cant force the future I can at least try and create sanity.

Stagnant Waters

It feels like the whole world is changing around me and yet my world, the small realm of me, is staying so exactly the same. And it is so painfully frustrating. I constantly feel surrounded by complaints of the exact things I wish I had. Here I am living the life I lived when I was 17. I could walk these halls with my eyes shut. I can book clinics and answer the phone in my sleep. I could be dead and still be able to make charts. It is a suffocating feeling especially when I realize that this is my best option at the moment. There isnt anything else I can find that pays as well as this mediocre wage without my certification being approved. I just want my life back. I never realized how much I was sacrificing by coming home. If I knew I might not have been able to do it. It was hard enough as it was. I just miss it so much that it literally hurts. I miss my freedom. Reading on the train. And Southbank. I loved that place. And my friends. Skyping and texts just dont cut it. And I could be doing what I love if I had stayed, I could be a physio making a difference instead of making charts.  I had such a great life there. And I so badly want to say I dont mind having given it all up because I knew I wouldnt find real love there. But my insecurity is blinding. I cant help but wonder if you love me. And if things dont end up working out I know I will feel angry that I gave up so much to come back to a place that had so little. I just want to feel like my life is going somewhere beyond watching everyone else's lives progress.I just want a small glimmer of something to appear to remind me that this will be worth it. The murkiness of the stagnant waters I am in is only clouding everything more. I just want to get out to open waters full of ebbs and flows.

Feeling A Little Peyton-esque.

I am so struggling emotionally today. I dont know if it is related to the constant migraine I have now had for three weeks, or the mass amounts of snow, or that it is Monday, or if it is because I received another emotionally shunting email or if its because you are buying a home. I really dont know because it could be so much. But either way, its a struggle today.

I think if I introspect honestly I might be able to piece it together. It seems like you are actually building a future.  A business. A home. A life. And I just am scared that the truth could be that I am not part of that. I mean I really might be but then I am scared I am not. Because today when I got another email I was just reminded yet again that if my own father didnt choose a future with me in it then how can I expect any other man to. You must think I am crazy. I cried while we were on the phone but I think I managed to hide it because I dont want you thinking I cant handle this. I can. I just cant help but be insecure because deep down I am not sure if anyone can really stay. I feel exactly like Peyton, it feels like people always leave so how can I believe this is different?

I am really beyond ready for this Monday to be over because it just has been too much. I just am ready for Tuesday so I can give you gifts and torture you with Birthday Celebrations.

Gangsters and Blizzards

Enter. A little black man appearing to be 7 years of age wearing a Lakers flatbrim snap-back along with a diamond stud.

I dont know how you are supposed to react when you see that your previous foster brother who is now three years of age looks like a gangster. Thug life forever.

I couldnt believe how tall him and his sister are. I remember holding them as babies, they have been around our home a lot over the past five years, and now they are huge. She is up to my chest now at 5 years of age, I mean I am pretty average in size but having a 5 year old more than half my height.. it's a little disheartening.

And that was only the beginning. The storm began the next day and being snowed in seemed logical. The tang came out and snowcones were made from the ever drifting snow. Only to be followed by a 645 true wake up of pushing a car out of the gridlock of snow.

I forgot so much when I left. Not once did my snow dreams involve shoveling over and over again or pushing cars or being blinded by the whipping snow while running for a door. Nor they did involve my little babies turning into thugs. Life really has a way of reminding me what is real. And reality is that even blizzards dont mean actual days off in this land. And this land is my land. *chestpound* Peace.

Maybe Fairytales Do Exist

I watched the movies. I knew what love looked like. Disney showed me. I knew that princesses found princes and sometimes not princesses did. I knew that there was wooing and romance and magic. That it was a true fairytale. And then I grew up and realized that life wasnt like a movie. Unless you count the Truman Show. My life is the Truman Show. Trust me.

So many days ago happened. It was a day I seldom give any thought. Besides that Purdys has chocolate hearts. They are delicious. So I knew it was coming and this time it was different. We had talked about it before we were even officially us. And I had suggested going for milkshakes at a drive-in. I am really classy. He suggested what we did.

So it arrived. I wore a new little black dress and tried to appear nicer than my usual scruffy self, but lets get it straight, I didnt go as far as brushing my hair, that would have been way overdoing it. So we left work early and began our drive to the mountains. Something about going into the mountains is just magical. They exude beauty and a sense of escape. And as we neared the gorgeous Fairmont Hotel I realized it was a dream. The hotel is like a castle and possibly grander than anything else I know because its close enough to home that it is real but at the same time it is remarkable and like a fairytale. Maybe it added to it that he had bought me a box of Purdys chocolates and we were in an escalade. I know it sounds lame but it was just so over the top yet real.

We spend the afternoon at the spa, a spa with 3 pools containing waterfalls of different temperatures, a pool of mineral water and a hot tub outside overlooking the mountains. This was interrupted only by a massage and then the hot tubbing continued. It just wasnt like the real world, or my life. It was classy and fancy. It was literally something out of the movies. We had our own robes and were treated like royalty.

We finished up and went to a lovely steak house with another couple and by the time we were ready to head back to the city I was exhausted. I just curled up in the car and he let me sleep as we drove through the mountains home. And eventually we were outside the house. I gave him his TMNT cufflinks and was handed a bag that nearly made me cry. It was Tiffanys. I didnt even want to open it. And in that moment I knew that I would never find anyone that could know me better or make me happier.

I think maybe all of the hype about love in movies might be real. I hated it all before because I didnt understand it and I had never felt it this way before. But now I think I may have just landed in my own fairtytale and it is making me so girly and insecure and happy that I cant even explain it. I may be the luckiest girl alive.