UnDéjà Vu

It is a strange feeling. Like déjà vu but somehow different. Perhaps because it is the same situation but feels so much like something new. This week has been confusing. It isnt like anything has really happened and maybe thats why. The snow is blowing steadily as it has for the last eight hours and somehow I can feel the changes that the wind is bringing. Another week and a few days and I am at a new hospital. And then taking my online course and helping you set up a home hopefully. I will be having appointments I have waited so extremely long for and then next thing you know will be a bridal shower and bachelorette I mostly planned. So much is about to happen and I feel like I am on the cusp of my whole life changing. But somehow this week has been so painfully slow and confusing and lonely but not in the way where I have alone time to myself like I want. The kind of lonely where you are never alone on the outside but somehow on the inside you feel it. I want to say it is related to you being gone the way you were when I realized I wanted to be with you. But the only similarity is the city you are in. Nothing has changed with us. We are still us. It is just me. I feel overwhelmed with helplessness and am unsure how to progress. I know I have been here before, so many times. And yet everytime I battle to figure out what to do. Where to go next. How to move on. To create a future that is screaming in my face that it has its own timeline. This has all happened before but I cant figure out the next step. So the only logical thing to do is paint my nails, finish my book and bake tonight. If I cant force the future I can at least try and create sanity.