Resolving (post a quick glance backwards)

Its that time of year. The time when you release the year is over and you either think back and realize what a magnificent year it was and you bask in the glory of it, or you think hallelujah, that year is over, if I had to relive it I would die. I will lean towards the later. So prior to my resolving I want to take a quick moment to peer back into the days that comprised the year 2010 in my life.

It was a year of ultimate change, of new beginnings and even more endings. It started with preparation for applications to med school. Saturdays spent studying for the MCAT and classes of death. And then it changed and I knew I was going to apply to PT school instead. So I jumped onto that ship instead. Concurrent was the foreclosure or my condo and the misery that followed as I frequented with the realtor until I got a cheque and a new home. As all of these changes swirled around I learned to snowboard, for real, and fell in love with it and the feeling of being up on the mountain. Amidst this relationships formed, broke, reformed and rebroke. Then it was onto another relationship- one that would come back in a new way months later. The days turned into spring term, french classes and ultimately a robot video that won me my yoga teacher course. It was the time of my first half marathon and a short relationship with another fellow. Spring also brought a professor with fresh love and perspective as I found out life changing news and my world began its crashing spiral. I moved home for a short period and on the way there I got a conditional offer to school. I fell into a time of pain and heartache. I journeyed back to the states to become a yoga teacher and to start on a path of healing as I came to terms with the effects of another's decisions. It included sleepless nights and long talks as friends returned from countries far away. And graduation, I nearly forgot, I graduated, hurray. Then a roadtrip to try surfing and to play pokemon. And then home, and surgery and work and preparations to move away once again. Then I visited Utah again, a final dasvedanya fest before I moved to Australia. It was my Christmas present, but no one could have seen what would happen. A relationship would change and that changed everything. Australia was next. Grad school began, new friends were brought into the equation and new goals were formed. And then the year started to close. And then it was now.

So after that long quick summary it seems like this year was okay. But the heartache part was so awful that it really was a rough year, one that hopefully has turned me into one of those diamonds that come from the rough. I survived though! And thats what matters. So I want to resolve.

I resolve to not be scared of love. To work for it and realize that what has happened around me does not define me or my relationships, those are mine and they will be different.

I resolve to achieve my personal fitness goals that are on post its in my room.

I resolve to become a better person and contributor to the world as I expand my horizons and find myself on a deeper level.

I resolve to embrace change instead of running and cowering from it.

I resolve to be there for you more.

So welcome 2011. I am so so ready for this year. I am embracing it along with the changes that have become integral parts of my life. Farewell 2010. Dont come back please. Thank you.

Banksy- and How He Opened My Eyes

I will admit it. I now have a minor obsession with Banksy. I cant help it. I am fascinated with his street art. His anonymity. His ninja like stealth. His messages. So here is an example of why I am obsessed.

But thats not just it. I have always had a fascination with non traditional things, especially art. I wish I was more artistic, thats for sure. So his art really hits me. Then I got thinking as I searched for his book today. How many things do I now love that I would never have known about if it wasnt for someone else? And that got me questioning if anything about my self is original. But then I realized that if we never shared anything with anyone than life would suck and no one would know about anything. How stupid would that be? It would be just awful, trust me, I imagined it.

So I dont hate myself for loving movies you have recommended I watch, or books that I found on someone elses table first. I dont regret having interest in things someone else likes. It just means we have something in common. So I am glad that because of something you said I found a movie that intrigued me and have something else to be interested in. I just wonder if I ever share things with people that they then adapt to become a part of them.

Wild Things, Dinosaur Fossils, Black Pearls and Toilets

The making of a happy Christmas. I knew this year had to be different, there were no options. Yet Christmas was the one day I liked to be the same, the exact same, every year. And so the day came, and everything was entirely new, and yet part of it was so much the same.

I woke up and saw 3 kangaroos across the road from Cid's families home. I knew Australia was real then, either that or the budget of the Truman Show must have spiked in order to make the holiday season more realistic. Both are plausible options. The day progressed from there in its entirely unusual fashion. I must admit I was feeling so homesick and lonely amidst that beautiful family. They just welcomed me in, but it wasnt the same as home, and part of that was just so hard to overcome.

Then it started turning around. I talked to someone that always knows what to say, he has somehow obtained a wealth of advice as he has aged. So there I was, standing in the sun taking in every word. The bigger picture became clear, he knew there was a lot more to it than just that day. So we got into the major things and he reminded me that I had to start creating my own memories, ones that were happy and new, I couldnt dwell on the past forever. And maybe it was time I put it all out there and send a much needed email (which I did). Somewhere in the laughing and being reminded how I am like a nerd on steroids, everything became okay. Thank you.

Then I talked to mum and grandma and grandpa. And I remembered how those three people love me more than anything. And it didnt matter where I was, or that it was Christmas Eve for them and Christmas Day for me. Nothing mattered, because we have each other. And then Christmas began in my heart. I realized that it had nothing to do with where I was, or who was there or what happened. It just mattered to me that they knew I loved them and that they loved me back.

Its not to say that the rest of the day wasnt epic, but I learned my lesson in that moment as the sun was burning my skin a little bit while I talked on the phone. We opened presents and played this insane twister game and had dinner and it was so lovely. And then Uncle Shawn brought out his gift. He is no relative of mine but I had heard of his gifts. It was a complete toilet. Thank goodness he didnt know I was coming, I dodged that one.

Then the real best part came. It was just after midnight when the skyping began. We sat in a circle, just like always, except this time I was on the screen. And one at a time we opened our stocking presents then the gifts from me. And it was magical, minus when that huge bug attacked me and tried to kill me. I am glad that was entertaining for the rest of you, however, I thought I was going to die. And as each present was opened I realized how well my family knows me. Its not like a superficial knowing like it is with most people, they know know me. When I opened up an ice cube tray that was fossilized dinosaur bones, and wild thing pajamas and a peace bracelet and zen magnets I knew that they knew exactly who I was.

So Christmas came and was beautiful. And it ended with me opening the most beautiful present I can imagine. We were shopping for someone else when I fell in love with that pearl set, never did I imagine I would own one. So as I look at each piece and carefully put them on I am reminded how the 4 of you are always here, even when you are not.

So even when I was sure the Grinch had stolen my Christmas and every ounce of love I had for it, everything changed. My heart definitely grew several sizes that day.

Fake it til You Make it

For those of you that find your eyes glancing across this blog on more than one occasion and ever have thoughts involving my writing to be insightful or grown up or anything along those lines, well then just skip this post. I would rather leave those thoughts intact. Although I doubt those thoughts really are occurring. So I will just get on with my dreary, immature post.

I hear people talking about faking it til you make it. We all do it at some point, at least I think so. If you act like you know what you are talking about, or you exude confidence then people will believe it. But you cant always fake it. Every so often the truth rears its ugly, self conscious head, and thats when we are reminded that we have just been faking it.

That awesome truth decided to just take my face and shove it hard into the fact that I am faking it. I could tell you how excited I am that Christmas Eve is tomorrow. I mean Christmas has always been my favourite holiday. I have a million traditions, and I hate when they are broken. My best memories growing up involve Christmas. But not this year. I hate that tomorrow is Christmas Eve. I just want to skip the holiday this year, just forget that it happened. I dont want to forget the birth of Christ, I just wish I was in a cave where there would be no celebrations.

I smile as I go out. I ask about others plans and eagerly share mine. But underneath its a different story. I can barely sleep or function normally with the thought of the impending holiday. I dont look at my Christmas shrine and feel the love that went into those neatly wrapped presents. Instead all I see are the other ones, and the card. That writing is all too familiar. I almost dont want to open it. I know it will just hurt. And perhaps I will be able to bare the pain of reading the words and opening those few things, but having to talk to you about it will be more than I can handle.

And then there is the part that should be happy. I do want to skype with you all so much. I know you are trying to maintain tradition. But its broken, we all know it. And I want to see your shining faces as you see what I left under that tree but deep down I know that we all will be crying inside, even if we fake it on the outside, and I doubt I will be able to fake it.

So as much as I tried to fake it for myself, and maybe for all of the happy people here, I cant do it anymore. Which I suppose means I didnt make it. I am not sitting here looking forward to a happy Christmas. I am sitting here thinking my tears are comparable to the torrential rains that flood my road nearly daily. I am sitting here wishing the aching pain I feel through my whole being would just stop. And I am hoping that I can just survive the holiday, thats all. I dont need it to be glorious or anything, I just want to survive it. Because right now it feels like I am drowning.

What I'm Trying to Say

I have far too much time on my hands, time that does not have to be filled with studying. It should be, but its not a must since I have days and days to do it. So here I am yet again, sitting with my laptop, listening to songs that I know all the words too and eating my favourite lollies. But this abundance of unproductive time allows me to think, and when I spend too much time thinking I usually find myself in trouble.

There are so many things I want to say, but more than that I just want you to be able to be here and to see it. I would rather have us be able to laugh about things together because you were here when it happened. That would be so much better than me trying to find the words to type to explain each thing. Or just the sights. Whether its the flooding on my driveway or the tropical rainforest appearance amidst the great court on campus, I just want you to be able to see it.

But tonight I got lucky. I went out for pie with some lovely people, one of whom knew you. And even though we scarcely discussed you, it didnt matter. For once it felt like you werent so far, like part of you was here. It made you feel real again. Sometimes I feel like you are so much in my mind that you cant possibly be real outside of it, and it seems like its been forever already. So as I snuggle back under my giraffe bedspread I cant help but to smile a little bit more as I feel like you are not impossibly far tonight.

Seven

Somehow its been seven months. Exactly seven months. And yet there are moments when it feels like it happened yesterday. I dont know how other people can be so forgiving and willing to forget and move on. I wish I could just forget and move on. I wish I had more answers now than I did then, but reality is that I only have more questions. I understand it even less now. I dont know how I survived the last seven months. Well I do, so thats incorrect. It was through religion, and the women in my family and a few friends that stood up taller than I could. I feel blessed that I have grown more than ever these last seven months, but if I could go back to that day and make it never happen I would. I would change everything. Because right now, when I look back, I cant look at it like this was such a period of learning and growth and experience. It was heartbreak and betrayal and confusion. One day I know I will be stronger, and I will have forgiven, and I will be proud of the progress I will have made. But perhaps it is too soon. Perhaps it is okay that I am still healing and that I cant fully grasp onto the forgiveness side. Perhaps coming to terms with it and realizing I couldnt have done anything because it was a choice made exclusive of me, is enough for today. I survived the last seven months and I didnt let it ruin me. Perhaps thats all that can be hoped for at this stage.

My Mind Just Goes Keeps Going Back To Memories.

Looking for the right person to understand the things that I didnt know how to say, I thought back to a previous encounter, it was months ago now. Our friendship was so odd, in a good way. I didnt even know who you were, in fact, I had not even remembered giving you cake. But somehow you must have realized that we should be friends. And then one day I told you everything. I just knew that you were the one person I had to tell everything to and I didnt know why. It was on your porch, and it all came out. And you let me feel how I felt. Yet you gave words of wisdom. I wish you were here so I could just hear words like that, because you already understand. That evening continually sticks out. It left an impression that just wont fade because you said things I need to keep remembering. I am trying not to forget it all. What am I going to do now? That was the vital question, wasnt it? But more importantly was when you told me it would take time. I wish you could have told me how long it would take.

Its been ages since I saw you, it was right before I moved back to Canada. I hope you know that I treasure your friendship. Also, whenever I watch animated things I think of how you would tell me something technical about how it was made.

Let's Try Redefining Beautiful

I hate that beauty has been tainted by media. That people stereotype beauty and are often too closed minded to see beauty in a broader range. I want people to open their minds and their hearts to a new kind of beautiful. A kind of beauty that embodies everyone. No pressure, no unrealistic expectations of a skin and bone appearance while maintaining the facade that they are healthy. No. I want beauty to be embracing who we are.

I think its beautiful when people can open about their real self. Not the person that most people glance at on the bus or at the market. But the person deep down that recites random useless facts or has minor obsessions with childhood games. I think beauty is rarely found near the skin. Its so much deeper. And the more I think about it, the more I miss the beautiful people in my life that know all of those real things about me.

Maybe I want to feel like I am contributing to the world becoming a better place, or maybe I just think its unhealthy to feel the pressure to conform to the standards of "beauty" that media has given me. Regardless, I am going to try and forget the idealized definition of beautiful and I am going to redefine it for myself. I want to feel beautiful and for everyone else to feel that way too.

So Much to Say but No Words to Convey - 6.28

Some days it all comes back. Everything. And sometimes I remember its not just me. I forget how little you are and how much harder it must for you. I know you want me to come home. I know you feel alone and hurt and broken and scared. I wish I could make it go away. I understand though. Its still too hard. You will take that step one day, today just isnt that day. And honestly, maybe I wouldnt have taken that step if I didnt know I could get away from it for so long.

I am sorry I cant do more. I dont know what to say, I dont know what to do. All I know is exactly how you feel and how much that sucks. I love you.

Glow Worms

Last night we ended up in a cave up the Gold Coast. It was late and dark but once you find the cave it is illuminated with these glow worms. It's like sitting out under a clear sky looking at the stars, except that really you are in a cave and the stars are these glowing little creatures. It is gorgeous.

And as you feel the peace and silence or the darkness it makes you think. It was as if the world stopped and I had a moment to reflect on life. Its like looking at the clusters of glowing was like looking at parts of my life and connecting it like constellations. And as I drew the lines things seemed so clear. I know it feels like I have no idea what I am doing with my life, and there is part of me that thinks about escaping and going back to familiarity but I know there is a point that requires moving on. And I do know what I am doing. BYU had a purpose, here will have a purpose, and when I think back on the trials that got me here, I can more clearly see their purpose. I am pretty sure I need to find more time and places to reflect as reflection reminds me that even on the dark days there is light somewhere, I just have to find it.

Just Punch Them In the Face and say Shut the F Up

I learn a lot at school. And I find that some of my professors speak more on my level than others, one in particular was hilarious today. Most likely because he looks so serious when he says these things to me. I now know how to deal with patients.

But it gets me thinking, when these ridiculous things happen in class or when I see something obscure, I just think of texting you because I know you would understand and laugh with me. Or when I am watching some show that I eventually realize has been quoted by you or you have told me to watch its just another reminder of you. I guess sometimes it doesnt feel like you are quite so far. But really, you are way far, and I hate that a little bit. Perhaps this is what it feels like to really care about someone, or maybe I am just going crazy. They both seem like viable options lately.

The Dangers of Texting

You hear about how dangerous it is to text while driving. Some may even compare it to Drunk Driving. And recently, it has become illegal in many places. They have crazy videos that show utter destruction and death from this. Hence, we may see the dangers it can bring.

However, who ever talks about texting and walking? Personally, I think it is much more dangerous. I mean just today I walked into a fence.

So who makes these laws? Who decides what makes one activity so much more dangerous than another? Really, I think its great that they are trying to keep people safe, but sometimes I do think about natural selection and I wonder how people lived before there were a gazillion laws for everything.

Immunizations

Sometimes we get vaccines. And some people dont. And this isnt a post to cause a debate about immunizations, because I do have some strong opinions on the subject as many people do, but that is so not the point.

So sometimes we get these vaccines to make us immune to something. Something harmful and potentially life threatening. It is a security measure. But what about when you take those precautions but your body rejects them and you are still not immune. Then what do you do?

All you can do is be glad its just a few more shots and some money that you have to pay for them. It would be worse if you found out you had one of the diseases. Not being immune is not the end of the world. Its just a speed bump.

How often do we think some decision or action from ages ago, maybe even decades ago, will suffice now? I think that we have to actively be making and remaking important decisions to protect ourselves. Whether that decision means sticking to beliefs, or working on goals or just letting go, we cant count on a decision from our awkward teen years to help us forever. Maybe one day you will wake up and realize you arent immune anymore. And life is so hard as it is. So if you dont know where you stand because somewhere along the way something didnt take, well, you are just setting yourself up for life to be even harder than it has to be.

So maybe every so often we need to stop and check in with ourselves and see if we are still immune and protected and safe, or if we need to change course and try a new vaccine, something else to help protect who we are.

Letters on Paper

He went on a mission for 2 years. Our only means of communicating was through letters. I was lucky to get one a month and I would keep each of those letters in a special box so I could reread them as if it meant he was not so far.

She went on a mission for 18 months. Before she left I wrote her letters, for all of those times I would want to be by her side. That way it was like she hadnt left me for so long. We still wrote regular letters, but this way when she needed a best friend I could be there still.

She went to Egypt. I wrote her letters for all of the things I thought she would need someone to be there for. I mean egypt could have sketchy internet, I just didnt know.

I moved to Australia. She wrote me 4 letters and the night before I left she gave them to me. I kept these letters treasured. I didnt want to open them at the wrong time. Sunday I opened the first one. I cried for ages.

I had always wondered how other people felt when they got letters that I sent, or when they opened the prewritten letters for those days when loneliness or pain was reigning. I think I now know. Everything I needed to hear was in that letter. The next day I got 2 Christmas cards in the mail.

When distance causes hugs and first hand love to be prevented from being shared letters are the next best thing. I keep those photos and the words and the snowman and the cards so close. I thought it would be hard to be loved so far away, and at some moments I feel like I have never been more loved.

Thank you for knowing I would feel alone Mum and writing me letters. I love you.

The Waiting Place

A most uselesss place. "No! that's not for you! You'll somehow escape all that waiting and staying. You'll find the bright places where Boom Bands are playing."

Dr. Seuss got it so right. And thats exactly how I was feeling this morning. I felt so lost and trapped and realized it was because I had wandered into that waiting place and I had allowed everything to become stagnant as I attempted to just wait. I would wait for a conversation or anything that might show how you felt. But mostly I was waiting for a decision. But today I realized I cant do this forever. Right now everything reminds me of you, and thats great. But I dont want to feel like I am holding back because you are not sure what you want. I think I just put too much pressure on something that really will just happen or not happen and I am not in control of it, so I should just go with whatever happens instead of avidly waiting. I hate the waiting place and it hates me right back. So I am leaving the waiting place, and what happens, happens.

And as soon as I realized that I felt incredible. I broke 6 miles and by far had my best run since I moved here. I came to terms with everything for once, and I did it without relying on someone else, well besides Dr Seuss and his infinite words of wisdom. So I have checked out of the waiting place. I still want you to come, basically more than anything, but now I am just going to keep living and if you decide to come and be a part of that, awesome.

ps. this would be the one post that might actually be decent for you to read. No pressure on it anymore.

Missing Puzzle Pieces

I hate it when you are doing a puzzle and you get to the end and then realize a piece or two is missing. It kinda feels like a slap in the face. Lately, thats basically how I feel. I am not sure why though. Its like I am trying to do school, and be socialish with the other physios without putting myself in situations that would compromise my standards, and I am trying to see the girls and other churchy people enough without missing out on studying. And I am really trying hard to run enough miles, but its so hot and I wake up so exhausted that sometimes my runs just feel like failures. And sometimes I just end up sitting there realizing that time is passing by and I cant manage to get anything productive done no matter how hard I try.

I thought all the pieces were here. I was exercising, and studying, and making friends. But I think somewhere along the path things got missed. Perhaps loving Jesus more in an outward sense would help. Or just skyping with my mother and seeing her face. Or maybe just talking to that one person that I havent talked to in a few days but always knows what to say. I am not exactly sure what it will take, I just know that the first step is realizing something is missing. So now onto step two, its time to figure it out and get back on track.

What Physio and Hookers Have in Common

Today I made a realization. It is basically like I am paying a fortune to learn to be a hooker. I get to class and spend time with my shirt off, or with my partners shirt off. I then grab their butt several times as I try and help them scoot forward to go from sitting to standing. Or hold their hips and pelvis to coordinate a bridge. Then there are the times when I am palpating which often involves a hand or two on the chest. There are also the scenarios involving paraplegia where I find my body pressed against their legs and am all up in their face while trying to stabilize them through movement. This sort of thing goes on for hours a day. Then there are the times when you are in the spotlight and you find a dozen or more people staring at you in your bra but by this point it already seems normal.

When you think about it, it is like I am paying to learn how to be comfortable in wearing next to nothing with strangers and to touching people in generally more personal areas. Yes, some days it feels like I am learning how to be a Hooker.

26.2

I just decided I am going to run a marathon. I feel motivated to at this moment. Carpe Diem. Last time I felt this motivated I trained for and ran a half. So why not? Tomorrow is day one of training. Just tonight I was saying how I needed a distraction, voila, I have found it. I figure if I can stick to the schedule this will be the biggest distraction possible outside of classes. Hopefully this does not kill me.

Good Will Hunting

"You are not perfect sport. And let me save you the suspense. This girl you met, she's not perfect either. But the question is, whether or not you are perfect for each other. Thats the whole deal Thats what intimacy is all about."

I feel inspired.

The Snake at the Bottom of the Stairs

Upon returning from my run this morning I saw a small snake at the bottom of the stairs. I was terrified of course. I heard that the little snakes are the ones that can kill you. Plus I had only ever seen a snake in the wild once before. So I ran up the stairs and got ready for class. Much to my dismay the snake was still there staring at me with its evil eyes when I left for class. So when I was finally returning home in the early evening I started to pysch myself out. I thought of what to do when this snake bit me, would I go to the neighbours who I dont know? Would I phone someone? Would I run inside to our visiting travellers and ask them what to do? I had no idea. I was petrified. And then I got home, and the snake was gone.

Hours later I was still distraught so I asked my roommate. Apparently its a blue-tongued lizard that just looked like a snake because its legs are so little. Shoot.

But how often do we misinterpret something? Or pre-judge and never actually stop and take in a situation? Honestly, I do it all the time. I assume something and psych myself out of things that really should not be stressed over prematurely. I freak out about things that could be solved with a conversation because I am too scared to ask the big questions and the ones that matter. But sometimes you have to. I had to come inside and shower before class even if I thought it was a snake waiting to attack me. And sometimes I have to know what page someone else is on. So instead of just thinking that those beady eyes are laying in the bushes waiting to attack us at our most vulnerable moments maybe its time to take a closer look and actually be brave and take the situation for what it is.

Sometimes a snake is not a snake at all.

Accept That Your Entering Into a Situation That's Uncertain

I often find that quotes from TV shows often depict my exact feelings at that moment. Bones did not fail me tonight. A lot of life, if not all of it, is uncertain. We never know whats coming next and that often leads to fear, backtracking and pushing for things to stay the same. Fear of the unknown is such a strong, driving force. I often find myself compelled to look for ways out of unknown situations or for clarity. Its like walking into a dark cave, you have no idea whats up ahead and you would do anything for some light. But that would take away the unknown factor, and with that half the fun.

So as I find myself starting to wander along a new and unknown path I am trying not to incessantly freak out or to turn back. I think there is potential for a lot of adventure on this path but it just requires some faith and patience, and I think I can handle that. So I am accepting the unknown in this situation and just going forward with it.

Little Links of Technology

It doesnt feel far away because I know your on the other side. All it takes is a quick text, or a fb message or chat or skype and all of a sudden its like we are together. And sometimes its like I dont even have to be talking to someone from home, just knowing they are on the other side and all it takes is a few keystrokes to connect is all I need.It makes the world seem so small.

But then again I feel like everyday the world is a little bigger. I meet someone from Scotland and they tell me about their travels for the last 6 months and how they have 5 left, then I realize how little I have seen. I have 2 years to acquaint myself with this part of the world and I need to get on it. I am thinking with my February break I will try and see a place or two. I feel like you know so little about the world til you actually see it. I could use some more culture in my life thats for sure. After I graduate I really want to do Europe so hopefully it works out that way.

Regardless, I like how all I have to do is open my laptop to feel like I am everything but alone.

One plus zero plus zero

I feel like its some sort of monumental milestone to have blogged about the random things in my life one hundred times. I am a fan of milestones, they show progression and growth, its like they are people standing at the sidelines of a race telling you that you can do it and to keep going. I guess I just feel like this milestone signifies my growth since I started writing.

Everything has changed in the last year or so. I finished up my four years in Utah, I had the opportunity to spend a whole month enveloped in yoga, I survived some really trying times and came out a better person, and I got into grad school and moved across the world. All in all, I think the last year has been exceptional for milestones. But more importantly, these posts depict the people that have changed my life, the ones that have rescued me in times of despair and the ones that have taught me so much and adventured with me. Most posts are my way of saying thank you for being part of my life, when I dont know how to say it any other way.

So today it is time to start reaching towards new milestones, to find myself progressing further on my path of life. And to realize my potential and the opportunities I have to be that person for someone else. Namaste.

I lied. It wasnt entirely because I was just wondering. But you know that, thats why you asked.