I Resolve

This year I am making only one resolution.

I resolve to follow my heart a little more and my head a little less.

May this year be full of new experiences, growth and love.

End Chapter

Another year is about to close. It feels like the appropriate time to squeeze my eyes shut and try and remember what has happened over the last twelve months. I think a lot but so little comes to mind. Actually I think this past year has been massively huge, a lot has happened that cannot be quantified in any other way than being life changing.

I thought about summarizing my year and writing a million things but I changed my mind and decided the following was more important.

It could be said that completing my masters was the biggest accomplishment of my year, and possibly my life. But I have to disagree. This year I decided to start healing myself, to proactively take steps to become the person I always thought I could be. I decided to no longer let circumstance or others prevent my happiness but to fight for it, and I couldn't be more excited about that fact. Twenty twelve was the year that pushed me to the place where I chose to change instead of dreaming it. And as much as my future feels blank and confusing I can't be unexcited as mentally and emotionally I know this year is going to be incredible.

The View From Here

I forgot how beautiful the city is, especially covered in snow. It still amazes me that I can stand in a park in the midst of the city and have such a perfect view of both the mountains and the skyscrapers. It was breathtaking. Moments that make you stop because you want to remember them. Because you dont want them to end.

I suppose honesty would lead me to admit it wasnt just the view. It had been too long. I had forgotten what we were like. Hanging out with you is different. It is always like no time has passed, even though this time it was nearly a year. We just pick up right where we had left off and delve into the deep things that arent always easily spilled. And somehow you always say what I need to hear but dont realize I need to hear. I think I realized more about myself in those ninety minutes than some people do in a lifetime. You bring that out in me. The reflection, the pure honesty, the innocence.

I reconsidered my outward views on marriage and finally saw what I believed inside. The words came out before I even realized it was how I felt. I learned that I actually did know what I was looking for but I just needed someone to remind me, someone who knew me beyond comprehension. The fresh air overlooking the city and the crisp snow beneath our feet was only a backdrop to the emotional and intellectual sharing that poured out.

As I drove home I found myself singing, like I always do. But somehow I was smiling.  And it wasnt just within. I had forgotten so much. You make me want to punch you in the face so incredibly often but I think it may be because I might never love someone the way I love you. Because you truly know every single little thing and have never looked at me differently, you respect me, you tease me, you know me. I can only wonder if anything better exists, or if we really should face the facts that you are like a dinosaur and I am so entirely innocent, but we compliment each other.

Paying to Fail Tests

I somehow forget how depressing visits to the eye doctor are. You pay to sit there and acknowledge your complete inability to see any of these supposed letters being flashes before your eyes. And then they ask you to choose between two things a dozen times and you have no idea what the right answer is but it definitely feels like they are somehow tricking you. And ultimately you leave realizing you actually are as blind as you hoped your weren't and wondering how many tests you failed. Perhaps it is the worlds way of humbling me. Or maybe I just have really poor eyesight and should just accept that fact.

Your Adoptive Family

Tomorrow we meet them. And all I can do is continually wish I was a year further in my life. If I had my real job started and a home I could adopt you both. I already love you more than infinity. But instead I am barely graduated with a huge loan and an inability to work in my homeland. It just wouldn't be possible yet.

But you have no idea. You love our grandparents like I do. You fit with use. Like every other child that has graced our home you feel like you are ours. And I am so not ready to meet the people that will take you. My heart already hurts knowing there will be a goodbye.

I am such a fan of adoption and know that one day I will adopt and love someone else's child as my own but that somehow never makes it easier to let go. I just too easily give my heart to children that aren't mine. I hope they are nice and love you even close to the way I do.

A Little Humour

I have a lot of friends that are teachers. In fact it seems like basically all of my friends that I did not meet in physio are teachers. I know that is a generalization but it is basically true. And because I know teachers they ALWAYS have hilarious things that their students have said. I love it. I think children are insightful and hilarious. So today I am commemorating a few cute things my little sisters have said.

Soph: I want to put my whole body in the toilet because I think it would be like a hot tub.

Soph: (While in DQ during lunch with teenagers all over) All of those kids are so loud, dont they know how to act in a restaurant?

Soph: I am 5, how old are you? 7?
Me: I am 24.
Soph: YIKES!

Soph: Since you are allergic to dogs and cats I think you need a fish. Lets go buy you a fish.

Soph: Where are we going?
Me: To our surprise for lunch.
Soph: How do we get there?
Me: I dont know.
Soph and Liv: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Me: Whats so funny?
Soph: You are driving and dont even know where to go! Thats so funny we cant stop laughing!

Meg: Sophia has bunny ears in the photo!
Soph: Stop, I have to go get my bunny ear headband!


Me: I need to go shower so I can smell as clean as you.
Soph: Sniff sniff, you smell like potatoes and corn and you look like peas!

Me: Can I wear your unicorn shirt?
Soph: Nope
Me: Why not?
Soph: Cuz you're a horse!

Gpa: Are you twitting over there?
Kate: How do you know what Twitter is?
Gpa: I know a twit when I see one!

Soph: Kate say something.
Soph: oh you can't talk? You must be a baby! Baby baby baby baby

Meg: you can have ham til it comes out your ears.
Soph: out my ears? Not again!

Soph: gah!I just can't stop dancing!

Laur: silly mum
Soph: tricks are for kids!

Soph: I love pigs. They are so tasty. I just love eating them all the time.

Soph: Lauren, I broke my leg in the wind!

Laur: Liv why are smacking my bum?
Liv: I'm not! I'm hitting your toosh!

Soph: why don't you have toys in your bath?

Laur: you want a cat, Kate wants a dog and I want a fox
Soph: You can't have a fox! You are allergic to everything! You can only have a fish!

Liv: your bum is too squishy!
Soph: maybe it can be a pillow!
They then proceed to lie on me with my bum as their pillow.

Soph: I am going to read the newspaper while I eat, I haven't done that in awhile!

Liv: I want to marry cake with my eyes.
Soph: ah! Then you will have weird kids like chocolate cake babies.

Soph: (pointing to a large animal and talking to meg) and that's you.
Meg: that one is me?????
Soph: oh wait, that's a cow.

I am really going to miss those two and their humour.

A Window of Confusion

Sometimes it feels like I don't know what's real and what isn't. It is like I can't separate fact from possibility and it just leads to a murky waters that I live in. I know part of it is because I am so incredibly stubborn. I like to come up with my own ideas and shape my own life so even if someone else has a great idea for me I may feel adverse to it. So then I cant isolate whether it actually is for the best or not. I suppose in a sense this comes down to marriage lately. It isnt like I have suitors lined up by a door but I feel like I have to make choices I just dont know what they are. I always thought I knew what I was looking for but now I am not sure. My picture of marriage and happiness has been so shattered that I feel unsure of what really matters. I thought I could like the five essentials but maybe I cant. Maybe the things I used to think were essential were superficial. Maybe I really know nothing about this whole love and eternity thing. Regardless, I just wish the waters seemed clearer and I knew what I should be looking for because I am scared I am missing out on good things because of my uncertainty and inability to let anyone in.

Like Waiting For Santa

I sit by the window waiting with a sense of nervous apprehension. The heater is on so I try and cram as much of myself onto the vent as possible to counteract the cold, large window in front of me. The ground is covered in white which reflects the lights on the tree and across the house. It is Boxing Day.

It isn't like I need something particular or feel the need to be the first in the shops but I also feel the day would be emptier if I didn't attend the shops. So all I can do is sit staring out the window wondering where you are to begin our much more humanly hour of shopping than usual.

Christmas Musings

It is a time when family gathers and tension is high but at the heart of it all is laughter and love. And somehow it all leads me to reflection.

Tonight we discussed our favorite Christmases past, after my grandpa reminded me of how gothic I look- even with red nails and an outfit with much less black than normal. As we told our stories I remembered a beloved Christmas card praising my mother for raising a retarded son who acts like a wimpy schoolgirl and the years we saved up and gave away gifts to people who wouldn't have a Christmas. There was a sense of magic that can only come from the love of a family.

And yet as I sit here musing I recognize that the day was atypical in so many ways. It was filled with the hassle of Walmart and getting free items due to their frustration and the stress of trying to organize a variety of dishes and snacks before guests arrived. And somewhere there were unexpected messages that reminded me of a past I had nearly forgotten. And of future memories that could occur. And I can't deny the excitement.

I sometimes get lost in my past. And feel floundering in my future as my life is so uncertain right now and it scares me. But for those few moments of schoolgirl texting I felt a reprieve from my own insecurities. Christmas has a way of making dark things seem bright. May you feel the saviours love around you a little extra today.

Dinner Tonight, Therapy Tomorrow

How poetic I thought as I imagined writing this. Except for the slight fact it is true. Tonight is the dreaded dinner. I realize I am a bad person for going mostly in the hopes of coming home with gifts and slightly because it is the right thing. However, I just cannot be a better person than this today. I havent had an anxiety attack or thrown up yet so I think that counts as doing better than the last meal I attended. Luckily I have a mother who is wise and upon hearing of dinner booked me in to see a therapist tomorrow haha. I think that we can laugh about it is good.

Divorce is sad. But I believe it can lead to the joy of celebrating two holidays twice. Just not in this situation. Sometimes people lie and are deceitful and selfish. Sometimes they seem to forget what their role is and that it requires a sense of selflessness. And because of this and a million more things this dinner is celebrating a holiday twice. I have spent the last 6 hour shutting down emotionally so that by the time I arrive I should be in robot state. I will say as little as possible. I will avoid any real contact. And this is because if I act human I will only ask all of the questions you wont answer and my anger and hurt will get the best of me. So instead I will count the minutes and fill my cheeks with food to avoid having to speak or respond. And tomorrow I will meet a therapist who is supposed to help me learn how to take control of these situations and help me recognize why I cant seem to trust anyone after realizing I had been lied to for most of my life.

So I wish I could write and say tonight I will be trying my hardest to make this dinner seem like it is celebrating the season. But I cant. I am not there yet. And it may take me a really long time to get there. But I am proud of myself for attending because that is a really huge step for me and is going to hurt a lot more than the physical pain my body tends to feel. So here is to the night I wont want to remember and moving on to let myself enjoy the rest of the holiday season.

The Uterus Question

Recently someone close to me was asked if you need a uterus to have a baby. This question would be acceptable if the questioner was not in her 50s and the biological mother of two grown children. I nearly died of laughter when I heard.

My uterus and I have not been very amicable for at least the past 7 years. In fact we have reached a point where I already know it will be removed. It is just a matter of time. And today it extra hates me. It really doesnt seem to be aware that this is Christmas time and I have quite a lot to do.

Since I came home ten days ago I have spent the majority of my time with my two little sisters. And last night we reached a point where I realized I was like a mother. I was wearing a tutu as they requested because they were wearing theirs, while I was making their dinner and sewing an arm and a head back on two different bunnies. Today I dressed as an elf for preschool as it was my sisters special day and I wanted to make sure it was special. I really love these girls a lot. As much as I would my own children.

So as much as I really really hate my uterus and am slightly drugged up right now to dull the pain I will keep it for a little while because I know that you  need a uterus to have a baby and I really would like to have a child of my own one day. The uterus will not win.

Deception

I am quite aware of the season and festivities but despite that I feel the need to release. I have always been known for being a bit blunt. Things just come out of my mouth and I do sometimes regret it, but I just speak faster than I think. So I suppose because of that I just thought it was always really hard to lie. I mean when you dont even have time to think and then you realize you have said three sentences well its too late to change your story. So because of this I just like to think that people are really honest. Sarcasm is not included. I bleed sarcasm. But that isnt the same as deception. I just have realized that there are humans that lie so much that they even begin to believe that what they are saying is true. They convince themselves that they are not in the wrong. They completely pull the wool over their own eyes to spare themselves the despair that comes from dishonesty. And I have learned that when you begin to see through the wool and recognize that it was a wolf all along it can be extremely painful.

I know that I say the wrong things a lot. But for the first time I have realized that I would rather say the wrong thing and be honest than to live a life that is a twisted web of lies. Lies hurt people. But as much as I am learning about deception I finally feel like a scrap of the truth is being uncovered and I would rather learn the truth and feel its sting than to continue to be fooled by the sheeps clothing.

Stay Classy

After maintaining a tearless face for farewells I reached the last one. As I stood next to the stairs for passengers departing we embraced and I felt proud of my lack of tears even though I could feel them wanting to escape. Then I saw your teary eyes and the flood gates opened. As I finally walked down the steps and filled out a customs form I realized I was sobbing and not the quiet way. Security and customs proceeded with tears streaming down my face an I realized I looked like a crazy chick and I wanted to vomit. So I messaged my brother who indicated that I should think of unicorns in fields and that crying or throwing up on strangers is not classy and should be avoided.

Two years is more than long enough to form friendships that go beyond words. And as I gave that last hug I realized how much a few people changed my life and I am forever grateful. So as sad as I may feel I also feel so blessed to have had those two years and I am determined to not let those be final hugs. We will meet again. Until then, stay classy.

My Simple Farewell

I want to say this announcement comes with both deepest regrets and excessive excitement. And I understand those are opposite emotions. But as hard as it was to come to this decision the prospect of the future is thrilling and makes me feel alive. So this is my way of saying au revoir to the beautiful country of Australia and hello to my homeland, at least temporarily.

I have really come to love this place and all the people that have made my life here something worth writing home about. But I am ready to take the next step in my life and proceed with a future and at this stage the best choice for me is to go reconnect with my family while beaurocracy battles with my paperwork.

So depending on where you live will likely change your reaction. If you are in Australia you can celebrate my sarcastic departure, may your country be a little freer from the humor you struggle to embrace. And for those in Canada you can rejoice knowing that I will be coming back to bake you granola bars.

Regardless I hope that you can be happy for me. Because for once I am putting myself first and that means getting my ridiculous body checked out and getting healthy. It means spending time with  my grandma and coming to terms with everything I ran from. I am going home so I can continue growing up and progressing.

This has been the greatest escape of my life so I can only hope that the next chapter is half as beautiful and full of love as this has been. This place and it's people will be missed.

The Truth Behind The Hair

I doubt most people close to me will forget when I apparently randomly cut my long thick hair off and swapped if for a short pixie. I said I had always wondered what short hair would be like and that Australia would be too hot for long hair. I appeared to be spontaneous and full of life. When I really cut it to feel like I could control something.

That week I was about to move home for a few weeks before moving abroad. I had realized for perhaps the first time my family would never be the same, my father wouldn't chose to come back. And then my cousin passed away. My world was crashing down and I couldn't control a single thing. So I cut it all off. And as things got better I started to grow it out. Until I was overseas visiting a friend and was confronted with another difficult issue I felt I couldn't handle. So I walked I to a place where no one spoke my language and pointed to a picture and let it come off again.

It's taken a year and a half. And it's only a couple inches now away from its longest. And as much as I feel like so much is out of control I don't feel so desperate. I feel strong enough to face change without trying to be drastic. Without forcing my hand to grasp control of anything.

It may not be long for forever but I want the next cut to be for something beyond a desperate plea for control. So for now it shall just remain long and whipping back and forth.

My World is Changing, I'm Rearranging

I am not sure it is real. Actually I know it isn't because I haven't allowed myself to cry with a goodbye yet. It is now less than 24 hours. I am packing my life into 70kg and leaving a world I created all on my own. And I somehow didn't think it would be this difficult. I didn't realize how completely I made a life here. I made it home. It was like a place no one could destroy because no one else created it. It was under my control. But that's why I came. I needed to regain control of my life. But I suppose now that I have let my hair grow out again and acknowledged the reality of so much I am ready to face the world I left.

So much as changed in two years. I am a completely different person now than when I left. I have learned who I am and how to love and I have come to know forgiveness. As everything rearranges I am terrified. I fear my faith isn't strong enough and that I am making a mistake. But deep down I know this will be everything I need.

My world is changing. And it does mean Christmas is changing too.

Reintegration

The last three weeks have been different. I have opened my life to half of my family and for me that is a bit big. I have always enjoyed my personal space and avoided conversation and discussion about anything personal. It isnt that I like secrets, I just like independence and I dont really trust anyone, especially not these days. So I tend to just keep quiet about how I feel or what I think. But I have really tried to just be completely open with them as they have delved into my life. And it was both so rewarding yet draining. I didnt realize how much my little sister needed a big sister. I wonder if I had been gone less if I could have helped her more, but I think she is just too stubborn. I try and impart words of wisdom and love upon her ever chance I get but she hates it. Oh to be sixteen again. I am about to have two days to say goodbye on my own and then be whisked back into a world of family and I would be lying if I said I wasnt scared. It has been 6.5 years since I have truly lived in that city. I left just after I graduated high school and only returned for summers. It has been so long and I wonder if there is a place for me there. I am scared I wont fit in at home or in the community. A lot is changing. My world is changing so much. And I worry that I have forgotten how to reintegrate into a community where I dont have to just worry about myself. But I think it is time for me to put the focus a bit more on the family and see if I can help them mend, I think they are still more broken than they admit. So maybe there is more to me going home than I realize.

Enough Faith To Crash And Burn?

I know that there are often times in our lives where we are required to make choices based on faith. To do something difficult and know that there is a plan for us. I mean I moved to Australia where I knew no one and gave up the career path I had planned and doing that was maybe  not the easiest thing. But it was a heck of a lot easier than going home is. I thought I would be excited. Thrilled at the prospect of a white Christmas and making chocolates with my grandma. But here I am, two days left and I am so incredibly scared and sad. I have a life here, and it is beautiful. I could have a career here. I could continue to be independent. And somehow I am giving all of that up and it honestly feels like for nothing. I am leaving all of that to go live at my mothers house where I have no car, no job and no job prospect as I am not qualified on that continent. I lose my independence and what feels like my life. And all because I am tired of my health winning out and being the deciding factor. And because I prayed about it. But I wont lie. This is one time when I feel like my faith isnt strong enough. I really feel like I am being pushed further than I can handle going. I feel like this move is about to break me. And I know that there must be some plan and I just cant see it. I realize that. But right now when not a single glimpse of that plan is apparent and I am so close to getting on that plane, well it is hard. Really hard. And I think the next two days will involve a lot of crying. I dont think I have ever been more afraid I am making a life altering mistake than I feel right now. So fingers crossed I can find a bit more faith and not crash and burn in what feels like me walking away from everything I know.

Hat Trick?

As my mind wandered back to the ease with which such personal topics had flown I wondered if you would be the third. You see lately I have felt like I am incapable of caring about a male specimen for any period longer than short term. I find that I get intrigued easily and lose interest even faster. I like feeling like I have to work, I dont like attention flowing easily. So as my parade of male suitors has seemed abnormally large and short lived recently I found myself frustrated. And this frustration has only been mounted by the fact that most of these short lived suitors seem to get engaged the moment they arent with me. So I have been weighted down with the wonder if I can ever care about someone for real but then I met you and realized maybe I can occasionally be real with someone and actually care.

So I am now thinking I can add a third to my list. Over the past lets say five years there have clearly been two men that have formed a foundation and become significant figures in my life. One of whom always provides me with the wisdom and confidence to make important decisions and the other always seems to know when I need someone to talk to and the right way to listen to personal problems. I am not sure the two could be more different and I doubt they will ever meet but both have changed my life dramatically and somehow the fact that after more than a week I still care about them makes me think there is hope for me.

I really dont understand how I get annoyed with humans so easily. I just cant seem to handle their attention or interest. I cant say I dont understand how I am alone. I get it. I just also wish I wasnt. And the constant engagements are starting to feel like nails in a coffin. I admit I pretend to be excited for people but inside I feel such a sense of longing and aching that I just want to wish away. However, I am holding to the fact that I may have a hat trick. And that when this week literally brought me to uncontrollable tears that the right person randomly messaged me and knew how to rescue me from my own self doubt. So inspite of this being about me not ever caring about people for a real period of time, and me wondering if I met someone new that will change my life, it is really probably about the fact that you always rescue me when I need it and that after over two years we are going to see each other and I am scared I will relove you.

This Week Was Hard

This isnt poetic and it has been awhile but this is just the reality of this moment. This week marked nearly three weeks of close quarters with family and for someone that doesnt really like humans and basks in alone time and personal space it has been hard. But that has been the least of it. I have had 10 days to pack up my life. To take everything I have known for over two years and to fit it in the weight requirements of 70kg, which is basically nothing if you know me. Four bags of donated clothes later and I am still at least 7 kg off. Not to mention the fact that I pretend I am not sad to be leaving but I am actually so sad I could cry on cue. And then to add the cherry on top a boy I recently ended things with is engaged, after one week, engaged. And so this week has been hard. End post.