A Window of Confusion

Sometimes it feels like I don't know what's real and what isn't. It is like I can't separate fact from possibility and it just leads to a murky waters that I live in. I know part of it is because I am so incredibly stubborn. I like to come up with my own ideas and shape my own life so even if someone else has a great idea for me I may feel adverse to it. So then I cant isolate whether it actually is for the best or not. I suppose in a sense this comes down to marriage lately. It isnt like I have suitors lined up by a door but I feel like I have to make choices I just dont know what they are. I always thought I knew what I was looking for but now I am not sure. My picture of marriage and happiness has been so shattered that I feel unsure of what really matters. I thought I could like the five essentials but maybe I cant. Maybe the things I used to think were essential were superficial. Maybe I really know nothing about this whole love and eternity thing. Regardless, I just wish the waters seemed clearer and I knew what I should be looking for because I am scared I am missing out on good things because of my uncertainty and inability to let anyone in.