In That Moment

That instant when you realize its not reality and it has just been an awful twisted nightmare you are flooded with emotion. Confusion, agony, sadness and relief all seem to swell up. Tears spill out and your mind races. You dont know what to do. You are afraid to sleep yet exhausted. Perhaps you immediately turn on soothing music to drown out your mind. Or maybe you grab your phone and start texting or calling. I wanted to text you but you would have been asleep and what if you didnt understand. So I called the safest number but it was midday and no one answered.  I can only imagine what the replaying of that message was like. A tired, scared, sad voice admitting to a nightmare. Technology connected me with the youngest, but most caring girl. My little sister offered sympathy and words of comfort. She never ceases to amaze me. But as I reclosed my eyes the false reality seemed real once again. The images and fear flooded back and I wondered how the things that should be safest had become my worst nightmares. In that moment I knew things would never be the same. The haunting nightmares are a constant reminder that I am broken and that I am still scared in ways I would never want to admit. But amidst the pain I realized that I am not alone. No matter how haunting those images are they are fleeting, and when they find their way across my mind I can escape and in my escape I can at least find my precious little sister who would give anything to protect me. You may have left each of us but we stuck together and will end up stronger than you ever were.

The Moon is Just the Backside of the Sun

Days come and days go, and so few make an impression. So few feel like they are changing everything. But sometimes they are. I think the last few days were days like that, at least for this chapter of my life. I have felt something I havent felt in a long time. I have had moments where all I can do is laugh and smile because you make me happy. I am grateful that I met you long enough ago that I could learn to feel comfortable and share secrets with you. That makes it easier now. Although not entirely easy. I admit I am going crazy sometimes. But I am trying to hide those bits of crazy.

When Janitor met Lady he acted proper, then Carla told him not to lie, so he let all of his crazy out and then it was overwhelming so Carla interjected and prevented that. Ergo I know that I cant let it all out at once. So I started blogging about it, I had work and life so I didnt finish the post, plus my laptop is password protected, so I didnt expect you to ever read it. Then you borrowed it to get us notes and next thing I knew you were interjecting my own words into our conversation. You know I am crazy and you havent run yet. Maybe I should tell you that I am crazy about you, but that might be too much.

So for now I want you to know that you make me smile and that I like just sitting and painting or listening to records or wrestling or wearing my onesie cuz it gets me free ice cream. I like that you admit that you see me looking at you in class cuz you are looking at me, which makes us sound like we are fifteen. I like you.

My Residual

I felt powerful, like I had overcome something like rock climbing a mountain face. My path appeared so much easier. I was ready for the flat ground, the rest from climbing. I didnt realize there was residual affects that I couldnt see. Its comparable to the ache in your forearms post climbing, an aching you cant see but you definitely cant feel.

This residual lies in the fear of being left. That I will wake up and you will have changed your mind. That there will be a text or voicemail or something telling me everything has changed. Except it wont say that, it would say that you are leaving but things will be okay. Words that mean nothing. Words that just will tear you apart.

You are not him. I really dont think you would do that. And is there even anything to walk away from at this point? I dont know. I just know that I feel something deep inside me that says I can be left. That even when I think the path is level and that I am prepared that something can come and shake everything. I dont want to be afraid of you leaving. I dont want to be left. But this is a residual effect of choices that I didnt make. I guess its not over yet, there are still wells of pain I have yet to uncover.

Smitten

A good solid word right there. It was recently used not in reference to me and then next thing I knew it was describing that weird feeling that I had been suppressing. I realized that I am entirely smitten. And for me that is crazy scary but at the same time it makes me happy. Happy in the way that I smile and bite my lip because I dont want to feel like that goofy smile is noticeable to others. Its the way that when I close my eyes I think about him and it gives me that awkward feeling in my stomach. Its the fact that he makes me laugh and smile when he isnt trying. I am really smitten, to the point where I know I feel awkward talking about my feelings but I have to at some point. I havent felt this way in a long time, and it freaks me out. I told you I kinda like you and I hope I dont have to say more than that to keep you around because that was about as much as I can say about feelings. But deep down I am really smitten and happy, so I hope he sticks around for quite some time.

Penny For Your Thoughts

I have a tendency to say whatever I am thinking. Usually before I have thought about it. Even when I have thought about it and partially dont want to say it, I still will because I get this overwhelming feeling that doesnt go away unless I say things. So I just say things and then backtrack when necessary.

But not everyone is like that. A lof of the time I look at people and just wonder what they really are thinking. Most of the time I wonder what you think. The other day I wish I could have just given you a penny to see the slightest glimpse into what I didnt know involving your thoughts. Maybe it would work. Maybe I could offer pennies.

Then again sometimes that feeling when someone voluntarily decides to share something dusty that they dont often say, well that is nearly indescribable. Like this evening. I was shocked and so touched in that moment when an unexpected thought was shared.

Maybe a penny for my thoughts is more appropriate tonight.

The Music Box

They always have such hauntingly eerie songs. Ones that take you back to some other place and time and somehow captivate your soul. Its music unlike anything else. It is as if they are trapped memories trying to find their way out. I love it, them. Especially this one. It feels like more than a small box that exudes music with the turning of a handle. It feels like a doorway into something dark and hidden yet fascinating and beautiful. I am captivated.

The Security of Airports

I appreciate they are secure. That they have many measures to try and prevent anything tragic from happening. However, sometimes I do wonder when we reach a point that it seems unnecessary or really just overly inconvenient. For example, the other day in lax (pronounced not as individual letters but as one word as that is how I would say it), I had to wait in a little plastic box with tons of people around it waiting for who knows who they were paging. So then a man came and swabbed my hands! I then got to wait as they ran a test. I was released for the box and went on my way. How weird and random! Do I look like my child sized hands need to be swabbed for who knows what? No.

Then I get to another airport where they randomly decide to use the wand on me to check for who knows what again since I already had went through a detector. I then got to board a plan and wait 2.5 hours on the plane before it left because some maintenance or something had to be done. How inconvenient. Cant they do that not when my plane is supposed to be flying?

Needless to say, after 24 hours of travel I just wasnt that impressed with each little security thing that seemed unnecessary. Perhaps they should realize that I just am not crazy and not carrying anything not allowed and just not hassle me in the future. That would be pleasant.

Sacred Heart Hospital

A place of love, laughter, learning and life saving. Sacred Heart is such a treasured place for me. When I close my eyes I can picture Hank at the security gate of sasha in the parking lot, or the emergency entrance sign, or the front doors, or the windows and their faces from them, or the different roofs. I can see it all so clearly. So imagine how magical it was to see it in life. Not just through film but actually be standing next to the building. It was one of the most beautiful and yet heart wrenching moments.

There is only one person I know that would appreciate this building the way I do, JD. Sacred Heart was the place that fostered JD and Turk's relationship as well as all of their other relationships. So JD and I went there. It was harder to find then we initially expected and then we found it. It was being torn down. I shouldnt have been surprised. It wasnt in use when they filmed so after the show ended I suppose the lot in North Hollywood was seen to be too valuable to just hold an abandoned building. It made me sad inside though. I wish I could have someone petitioned it and made it a landmark. However, it is a landmark in my soul.

Perhaps its crazy that I can say that a building I never have stepped in means this much to me. Perhaps I am crazy because I talk like Turk and JD and the Janitor and Dr Cox and Elliot and Carla are like my friends and I am interested in their lives. But crazy is fine with me because those people taught me a lot.

JD taught me that being emotionally driven can beneficial, and that being white means you can get people to yell white lightening when you score, and that having a unicorn to help you make decisions is important.

Turk was like me, a bit more wary of emotions. He taught me how to truly love someone and what friendship means. Along with how to choose what chocolate bar to eat.

Dr Cox taught me how to help people help themselves. And that a hard exterior is a front for a soft inside. And that putting your hands behind your head helps you make decisions.

Elliot taught me that being a hot mess can get you somewhere and that being crazy isnt always a bad thing. And that you have to go through a lot of relationships to find the right one.

Carla taught me the importance of families and remembering your culture. She also taught me how to be bossy.

The Janitor taught me so many crucial things, most importantly that the moon is just the backside of the sun.

Laverne taught me to always love Jesus.

Dr Kelso taught me that being old and retired is awesome, especially if you get free muffins and that you dont have to treat people different if they are in a wheelchair.

Ted taught me that my life is awesome.

The Todd taught me the importance of high fives and banana hammocks.

I learned more from this show then from most college courses.

The moment I eagled in front of Sacred Heart with JD was one of the best moments of my life. It was so good I want to have sex with that moment. (note the scrubs quote reference). Thank you for enriching my life Sacred Heart.

-Turk

Soulmates

I havent blogged about my soulmate enough. Dont get the wrong idea here. I didnt go and have my cards or palm or anything else read. I didnt have a dream about someone I should marry. I just happen to know someone that is clearly a soulmate. Her name is JD. Not in real life on her birth certificate but it should be. JD is one of those people that when I met her I didnt realize that she would change my life. She was a random housemate who I met awkwardly and somehow became everything I needed in a friend, housemate, counsellor etc. She filled all the roles I didnt fill. Mine were along the lines of cook, head of reasoning, the unemotional one etc.

If you met us seperately you would think we are opposites. However, the second you leave us in the same room we will be talking and laughing nonstop. Mostly about things that make no sense to outsiders. Such as the human book, incessant scrubs quotes and stabbing.

[It may seem like this post is so random and scattered and it is. I have been up since 2am aussie time and my head says its 530am so my body is aching with tiredness and I am so ready to sleep, so disregard anything nonsensical.]


So when I first came here JD took me to the airport and was the last person I see. Why break tradition? So I flew to see her on my way back. And I dont even feel bad saying that those 40ish hours with her were probably the best of my trip (minus grandparent moments). Every second with her is perfect in the way that it brings out the best of me. She makes me laugh and we only get into good kinds of trouble. And our excessively different but the same personalities forms the perfect mixture. So when I went crazy missing my wallet just before leaving she was calm. And when she was crazy about a dragon I was calm and full or reasoning.

So when I was at the airport and we hugged goodbye like six times I wanted to cry. I dont like not knowing when I will see her again. And let me attest that she has only seen me cry 3 times in 4 years so thats saying a lot!

So I guess I just wanted to say that soulmates are the best because they are those unexpected people that just perfectly fit into your life and make you the best person you can be. They are the ones that can make you laugh harder than anyone else, and also know exactly what to say when you cry. They will sacrifice for you and always give you the best presents. And they are the ones that you dont have to see everyday and everything will still be insanely perfect when you do see them.

I think I just am feeling super ultra blessed to have randomly met someone that has been changing my life and making me a better person for the last four years. I am already so freaking excited for the next time I get to see her crazy face and that may not be for a lot of days.

Water/Land Dragons Unite!

"This is what it would be like if you had two lesbian moms Cameron."

Welcome to a world where I get to be in Kaitys house with her and every moment is magical. It was brought to my attention that I have not blogged about her enough which is tragic since my love for her is greater than my love for nearly all humans. Which is another reason we are working on a special project about humans.

Moving forward. So time with her is probably like what it would be like for you if you saw a unicorn. We were just being normal and playing MASH yesterday and I got the worst results and it actually bummed me out as if it was real. Oh how MASH messes with young hearts and heads. We also began taking several random quizzes to learn about ourselves. Enter Jessica. We learned that Kaity is both the sun and moon, Jessica is like Voldemort, Jonathan is my future lover from the story we had to read and so on. I think these quizzes will help us shape our futures, they seem pretty legit.

Needless to say, my life is so much completer in this home. I already feel a twinge of sadness knowing I cant just bring her on the plane with me tonight. However its time to find ninja clothes or something of the like for our usual round of photos. 

Without Tears Will You Forget Me?

I think I wanted to see more tears. Not because I like crying, I really hate it. I just wanted to know I would be missed. That you realized I wasnt coming back soon, likely a year and a half. So I just wanted to see that you loved me so much that you were sad I was leaving. I didnt see tears on any of your faces and yet my eyes were full of tears.

I love my life there, I truly do. But I am one of those secretly sentimental people when it comes to family and I cant help it but tear up when I know I wont see there faces for such a long time. I will miss you and worry about each of you. Dont forget me.

High Stakes Bingo

Walking away from a bingo game with a handful of records, including Jane Fonda's workout and a Beatles 45 is amazing in and of itself. And yet that is nothing compared to the necklace from a New Years Gala in the 1950's or the veil from a Christening in the 50's along with the cross necklace that accompanied it. Rings from decades ago were also present.

It reminded me that it was more than a bingo game. In fact bingo was just a reason. Nothing really significant. The significance was all in the giving up of a saturday night to spend time with them. To just listen to their stories and laugh. The worst part about going back is wondering how their health with be when I come home again. I never want to lose them so every bingo game means more than a prize. Although this round of prizes will be constant memories when a time comes and I cant play bingo with them anymore.

Like a Heart Attack I Know I Cant Go Back

Somethings you cant change. You cant go back on. They happen or you make them happen and then that is that. Your only option is to move on and look forward. I forget this often.  Its so easy for me to look back and try and walk back into a life that isnt there. Into a mirage or illusion. To walk back to people that were in another life, a time before I grew up or moved away one of the many times I left.

But with heart attacks or traumatic things we often look back and realize we dont want to be that person anymore. That this event has made us stronger, has shaped us into a better person. So I dont want to go back. I dont want things to be like they were before. They cant anyways. But I dont even want it. I would rather stay strong, independent and have grown than to go back to being nieve and weak like I was before.

Maybe thats the lesson I needed to learn.

I want it more than anything. I really do. I used to be so strong willed and independent and stubborn. And now I would give anything for that dependence. I dont know what happened. I dont know when I changed. All I know is that I crave it. I yearn for it. I feel ready, I feel like now I could handle it and do it right. And yet it seems so far out of my reach.

When will it be my turn?

Prays for Another Lifetime

I had this whole other thought going on. Something else I was writing. But it all seems so petty and irrelevant at this moment. In a moment of perhaps inspiration I went to a page I usually only go to to torture myself. A page of someone I love dearly but everything has changed so seeing that face just breaks me. But tonight I did and saw that his father has cancer.

If you know me, you know that cancer is one of the few things that breaks me instantly. Within moments my heart was breaking and my mind was racing. I remembered all of the stupid, beautiful times I had with that man. The first time we were introduced, to the time in the haunted house when they all saw me at my weakest. I remembered the love that family reached out to me instantaneously and how they radiated with joy and welcoming. If only I had been so lucky as to have had them as my inlaws.

I sent a message of concern and love, sadly technology provided me with the last message sent. It seems like a lifetime ago. It was. And yet my heart still broke as I remembered the saddest breakup ever. Possibly the one that got away. The one that I know I could have married. The one that married someone else in a timeframe that seemed too soon. I wish I could say we remained friends. That you were still part of my life. But the only part of our lives that touch is those moments when I am here praying for your family hoping your father will be alright, that you will all be strong enough, and know you are strong enough, for this grueling time.

I love you. I love your whole family. And I will be praying for you.

A Win For My Pathetic Hypocrisy

I didnt watch their wedding. I didnt care. In fact I had a few things to say about it. I mean I dont want randoms watching my wedding, its a private personal thing. So it just seems absurd for me to watch someone else's when I dont even know them.

However, today I someone sat outside for 4 hours along a fence by a building just to take photos of them coming in and out of a building. It wasnt my idea. Grandma thought it was important, maybe it was, but I went. And I enjoyed seeing them just meters away and realizing that they are real people. I also realized that I would hate that life. To have people waiting outside everywhere I go just wanting a glimpse of me. To have to have escorts and buildings checked for bombs. I just wouldnt enjoy that. End of my hyporcrisy today. Beginning of my patheticness.

He was a bit gorgeous and has his ducks in a row. He has a nice smile and was friendly and a bit charming. I was more nervous seeing him then the royalty I was there for. And I was too scared to get to know him. To strike up a conversation. He did have family there to host and an opportune time didnt happen. I mean it was not opportune when my whole family was staring with "get on that" eyes when he was in the office. I felt awkward, like I was a gawky teenager too scared to talk to a boy. It was pathetic. I think we could be friends, but we wont now because I just couldnt say much of anything as I let my shyness overrule anything else.

The hours I was there were full of hypocrisy and me being pathetic. I knew I left that place for a reason.

Octopus For Dinner

Thats the one thing you wouldnt like. Or at least thats what you said eight years ago when my mother asked what she should make for dinner when you came over. I definitely didnt know we would still be best friends this many years later. I just thought we would study a bit for biology, the skull specifically and my house was much closer than yours. I mean to get to yours I would have had to drive past the horses and the ghetto house.

Sometimes I wonder how we meet people. How we transition from acquaintance to friend to best friend. I wonder what role someone will play in my life when I start noticing their presence is more frequent, or their opinion is valuable. And then it makes me think of some of the other people that have made such an incredible difference in my life and dont know it. The advice that has shaped my future. The people that believed in  me long before I saw anything to believe in.

I dont know how we are still so close. We have barely lived in the same city let alone the same country in the last 6 years and yet that has never mattered. I cant wait for you to win the lottery and come visit me. If not you know I will come home, I always do. And maybe one day Mr Wilde will want to watch Mary Poppins with us, since apparently we are only friends because of him.

I am glad we didnt have octopus for dinner that first night.

You're The Voice

Today may have been one of the most perfect days of my life. It was just full of immense amounts of joy. It started with two and a half hours detailing my car. I do not like car related things in any way. So the thought of rubbing gasoline for hours sounded awful. And yet it was beautiful. My grandfather and I just super bonded and amidst it I realized he knew the Smiths and then randomly had one of their old records handy so sent that my way and then we listened to John Farnham on vinyl and bonded some more. We have decided a music day is required. Basically my grandpa is as cool as me when it comes to music. Although my record player is like a baby compared to his gorgeous one.

Then it was lunch with grandma which was full of laughs and joy and love. I wonder if two people could ever love  me more (besides the obvious family members that might). Those two seriously have shaped me. As I sat in the living room on the floor I realized I love everything about their place. Twenty acres just across from the city limits is miraculous. Its like an untouched haven of peace. And their house just screams memories and love from the wallpaper that I adore all the way to the rocking chairs and the juke boxes and arcade games. Everything is so perfect for how I want my grown up life to be.

As if that already hadnt made me the most at peace you can imagine. Then I went shopping. The first time since being home. And it was insane. Lululemon just brought the crazy out in me and it went on from there.

By the time I sat down with popcorn to watch say yes for the dress I just knew it had been a perfect day.

You told me I havent been happy since you met me. I am happy. And you wont even see it.

Pros vs Cons - My Indecision

I have choices to make. Some of which need to be made very soon. And yet I am avoiding them. I recognize all of the other overwhelming things in  my life and cling to them as a reason to procrastinate decision making. I dont like making hard choices, ones that dont have a clear answer, ones that may not have a good outcome either way. I am extremely skilled in avoiding this choices and leaving them to the last minute. Not a quality I admire in myself.

So as we were on the swings I laid it out for you. I told you one of my choices, and likely not the hardest one weighing down on me right now, but one I need to make. I told you my reasoning for both sides. I think the answer is clear. I just am afraid of offending someone. I want to make the other choice, the one that lets me try and relive a past that is not my present for a few days. To try and recapture things that are gone. To see people that I wish were more willing to do that much to see me. Reality is that if I make that choice I will just be living in the past. And the past left me saying goodbye in tears and my heart beginning to break. After eight months of healing maybe its time to move on. To stop trying to force the past to be my present. Maybe I need to grow up and just make a hard choice because it will be better financially and emotionally. Maybe disappointing a few people will be best in the long run.

I just cant seem to overcome this indecisiveness and make a firm decision. Its time to clear my head and think of my heart. I need to make the best choice as soon as I can recognize it.

Maybe I Came Back for You

Yesterday you hated us. You wanted to escape. You were bitter and angry. My heart was breaking for you. I didnt understand your anger. Your confusion. Tonight you cried in my arms. Your poor little heart was broken by a boy. Your first love perhaps.

I know I drive you nuts because I tease you. And that you hate it when I ask about boys. But I just do it because I love you. I love you all the time. Even when you hate me. I miss you when I am gone and feel like I have missed out on your growing up since I havent been around much in the last 5 years. But as I held you in my arms watching toddlers in tiaras many hours after the sun had went down, I realized you still are a little girl. You are young and fragile and afraid. You dont want to be alone, you just act tough to protect your heart that has been so severely damaged this past year. I am sorry babe. But I am here for you. I came back for you.

Gothic in Grandpa's Eyes

I thought carefully about what to wear. You cant look the worst when eating your own birthday cake and looking good for my grandparents is rather important to me. So several outfits were tried on prior to my departure. We were playing Bingo, mixing it up on a Saturday night. Yes, I have no shame in saying that most Saturday nights while I am home I am playing games with my grandparents, its what I do. So there I was, losing as usual.

"Dont be going gothic on me" or something of the sort, suddenly is coming from Grandpa's mouth as he looks at me sitting next to him. I didnt realize I was. I quickly reassured him and thought in my head "am I looking gothic?" I was a bit, but it was a typical outfit for me. Black tights, black tanktop, grey cardigan, black nails and toes. It probably doesnt help that my hair is barely off the shade of black. I  may have looked slightly gothic. Although it caught me rather off guard since I usually have bright colours on, minus the nails.

I accept it though. Grandpa tells it like it is, I look a bit gothic. I may listen to some emo music, correction, I will, this evening just to help solidify the feeling. My grandpa is cooler than yours.

My North American Tour

I used to think that 14 hours away was like a lifetime. That nothing could really withstand that distance. Now it has all changed. It feels like anywhere on the North American Continent is close. Its like anything is possible. Seeing anyone is no big deal. Its all so different. I am still hours and hours and hours away from people and the distance seems like we are across the street. I am trying to get everywhere, see everyone. And already the days feel like they are disappearing. Like I am losing control. There is just so much to see. I dont want to miss anything and yet things are already being missed.

I dont know when I will be back. I used to think it would be soon. I dont know why I thought that. Logically it makes no sense. I really wont be. Not at all in the next year and a half most likely. Unless something drastic happens. And drastic things tend to happen more than expected. So maybe I should expect something. Its just far, and expensive and my time off is so limited. So I have to do it all. See it all. Make every second count. I need this north american tour to be everything so I can hold onto it until I come back. My expectations are too high. I am setting myself up for disappointment. And yet I cant lower them. Not this time. So cross your fingers. Things may get crazy.