In That Moment

That instant when you realize its not reality and it has just been an awful twisted nightmare you are flooded with emotion. Confusion, agony, sadness and relief all seem to swell up. Tears spill out and your mind races. You dont know what to do. You are afraid to sleep yet exhausted. Perhaps you immediately turn on soothing music to drown out your mind. Or maybe you grab your phone and start texting or calling. I wanted to text you but you would have been asleep and what if you didnt understand. So I called the safest number but it was midday and no one answered.  I can only imagine what the replaying of that message was like. A tired, scared, sad voice admitting to a nightmare. Technology connected me with the youngest, but most caring girl. My little sister offered sympathy and words of comfort. She never ceases to amaze me. But as I reclosed my eyes the false reality seemed real once again. The images and fear flooded back and I wondered how the things that should be safest had become my worst nightmares. In that moment I knew things would never be the same. The haunting nightmares are a constant reminder that I am broken and that I am still scared in ways I would never want to admit. But amidst the pain I realized that I am not alone. No matter how haunting those images are they are fleeting, and when they find their way across my mind I can escape and in my escape I can at least find my precious little sister who would give anything to protect me. You may have left each of us but we stuck together and will end up stronger than you ever were.