In Between the Panels

I like comics. Kinda a lot sometimes. But do you ever stop and wonder what is happening in between each panel. What the characters could be doing or what they are thinking? I do, sometimes.

But then I wonder what goes on in my life between the panels. What are all the crazy things that people dont see because its not happening in the light, its just not chosen to be printed. I think that we would find out the most about someone from what happens between the panels. All those things that make you tick, all of those thoughts you dont release. I would like to spend a day in between the panels of someones life. But more importantly, do I like who I am between the panels?

120 Seconds

It's only two minute. And yet I pondered over this much much more than 120 seconds worth. Here is my thoughts.

I am passionate about breath. It started because I had severe asthma as a child. That meant that breathing wasnt something I could take for granted. Sometimes I just couldnt breathe. Then I got a little older and was in grade 5. My Grade 5 teacher made us do qigong. It is the practice of aligning your breath. As a ten year oldish type I was mesmerized. I was fascinated that we could control our breath in different ways for different effects. Years and years later I got into yoga. I started finding myself using breath to control situations. One day I met a counsellor who I spoke to breath about because I did yoga on my balcony. She told with each inhale to think of something good specifically to breathe in. With each exhale to breathe out something negative. So I started using breath to help me gain a more positive control of my life. Then I became a yoga teacher and realized it was all about breath. If you are breathing you are doing yoga. So then I started focusing heaps on my breath. Letting it guide each and every movement. And the next thing I knew breath was everything sometimes. When I was apprehensive before an exam, or in a car, or waiting for a plane I would just close my eyes and breathe. And all of a sudden everything changed. Everything.

So for my 120 seconds breath is what I am passionate about. It brings peace into your life and allows you to separate from a situation just long enough to regain control. Your breath keeps you alive and should be respected as such. So just close your eyes. Let all of your thoughts disappear. Focus on your breathing. Increase the depth of your inhales and exhales and feel the power of it.

I love breathing.

One Sided Windows Always Leave Someone Looking at Nothing

Our beliefs were too different, plus your family hated me.
When you came back we had nothing in common, you were no longer the person I thought I wanted to marry.
I loved you but we argued, about every single thing and it just wasnt healthy.
You decided you loved your ex.
You were too nice to me, all the time. I couldnt handle it.
You were a jerk, and I never came close to being a priority in your life.
You knew that we would never be on the same page and from that moment on decided we couldnt work.
You just decided it wasnt right.
We were seldom more than a series of awkwardly interrupted events and yet there was something, it just feels a little onesided still although I had nothing to do with its beginnings.
I was willing to do anything for it to work but you werent ever willing to man up and give us a real shot post our fake shot.


I have learned heaps from each of you and many others, these were just a few that stick out. And I am grateful for that. But each one represents a little heart break, or perhaps a lot. I think I am ready for something that has an equal balance and not so much of one of us starting at nothing. I dont let go well, I am actually rather awful at it. But I cant help but to feel that the past is the past for a reason and its time to stop squinting so hard to see something in the future. Its time to be content with the present, even if it means a lonely night or two.

Real love wont leave me feeling hollow and empty or like I am reaching for something that doesnt exist.  I already know it will be that feeling like the world is stopped and for that moment nothing else exists. It wont be forced. So perhaps I will turn away from yet another one sided window and just look at my new shoes as I walk along with my life, taking it one step at a time in the right direction instead of running to the past or trying to find the future under any and every rock I pass.

People Would Spend the Whole Movie Waiting for Us to End Up Together

If my life was like a movie, I would be the girl that is followed and the audience is watching because they know that her and a certain close friend must eventually end up together. The constant banter, the inside comments reminding surrounding people that this is not a first time meeting. The deep provoking talks intertwined with boundaries being pushed vocally. The looks that are always picked up by the bystanders. The hugs that go well beyond the hello/goodbye normal timeframe. The lack of mentioning current other relationships. The fact that there is something clearly blocking anything from happening. A barrier that would have to be broken but wont because neither party will compromise. The words spoken behind closed doors to third parties. The taunting texts. The constant tension in the air. The feeling that its an elephant in the room that everyone is staring at but no one will say anything because relationships are fragile and who wants to lose a best friend if love doesnt pan out.

Thats what every moment with you is like. You still take my breath away even though you make me mental.

Except my life isnt a movie. So even if people are watching and dying for it to work out, it probably wont, and we both know it.

Compromises Out of Affection

I wouldnt normally make that exception. I would rather not. I have made a choice and why would I change that for you? However, it was Easter Sunday, you were across the world visiting me and you are one of the few people I would do literally anything for. So there I was. In the kitchen in my swimsuit and towel still smelling like ocean and I was seasoning your chicken. Being vegetarian doesnt mean that you also have to make a meat free holiday meal, my choices dont affect yours. So I made you a pleasant little meal and the evening progressed with perfection.

I used to think compromises were for weak people. I grew up stubborn and seldomly would back down when I had an opinion. Then I started to grow up. I learned to listen, and to understand. I found out that most people knew more than me and I had to be prepared to take in everything possible and change my original opinions when I was wrong. I also thought that on the rare occasions that people did compromise it was because they were doing it out of love to please someone. I compromised not because I expected you to do the same for our friendship to continue, it was because it meant a lot to you and after all you have done for me it was the least I could do. So it wasnt a compromise that will send me on a spiral to disaster, it was one that just reminded you that I will always be here.

Here is to me compromising because you deserved it.

Whipping Towels and Bug Guts

The spider was massive but I didnt scream. I just ninja leaped up to the top of the stairs and calmly asked you to kill it. You were freaked out because we dont have spiders that large back home. Eventually you took a towel and decided to whip it. You screamed and jumped like a little girl when the spider starting running sensing its impending doom. The rest of us were laughing, a laugh that would soon make our abs hurt. Eventually you whipped the spider and life went on. Until last night when a massive flying insect was spotted. Somehow you were the one sent to kill it. Another towel was grabbed and photos were taken as it was a bug worth documenting. You whipped it and scream and jumped oh so much more than previously. The bug exploded. Not long after there was one on the stairs again. I asked you to kill it and tried yelling to the others on the roof. They ignored it. You grabbed the spider towel and eventually tried to whip it. The usual response happened except the massive gross cockroach crawled into the stairs! How creepy. Luckily this morning the bravest one, the one that maybe weighs a hundred pounds, went and killed it. Gold Star for your mad skills j-rake. Moral of the story, always run away from the creatures of impending doom and ask a male to get a towel and whip them. It will result in jumping, screaming like a girl and sore abs from laughing. Epic wins all around.

Getting Unlost in the Discovery for Happiness

I discover something I love and then often forget about it. Life and my choices dont always align for epic experiences to be had multiple times so then I forget the incredible peace I felt in that situation and then I just move on. Ultimately is not about where I live, its about living where I can be alive and be happy. And it may sound so cliche but I am constantly seeing people that just arent near as happy as they could be. 

You dont love your job, you need a change. You arent happy with how life has been going and yet you wont fight for yourself. You were broken and looking for an escape but you dont have enough faith in yourself to just go for it.

And yet each of these people could be me. I forget about myself frequently. I can see when someone else isnt as happy as they could be but introspection is always so much harder. Yesterday I learned to paddleboard and somehow it brought back a flood of memories, although I had never been paddleboarding before. The utter calmness of the river and the sun pouring down on me just provided the perfect opportunity to reflect. I remembered what it was like when I learned to wakeboard and how much I loved it, and then I never found an opportunity to go again. Or how I had heard about teaching yoga on the water on a surfboard type of situation and how I knew thats what I wanted to do. And then I never looked it up. Or when I went to Victoria and knew I wanted to live there, but I havent been back. So I paddleboarded and then just let myself soak in the self reflection and the sun that was continually penetrating my sun screen.

I realized a lot. I want to live by the water. I want to be able to wakeboard, or paddleboard, or surf (if all goes well this arvo) anytime. I also want to be close enough to the mountains and snow to be able to snowboard in the winter. I want to teach yoga on beaches or directly in the water because I find the ocean is extremely soothing and just sets up the perfect situation for meditation. I also want to move to Victoria. I have no ties there. I just love the feel of the city and am sure I could fit in, it feels like a city made for my personality in so many ways.

I dont know how the next 18 months will progress as there is little I can do in regards to moving before then, but until then I want to set myself up for discovering my happiness. I was saying this morning how I would rather be poor and happy than have heaps of money. If I can follow my dreams and set up a life where I can continually do what I love than I will be so much happier than if I had some money. I want to wake up each morning next to someone I love, in a home I love, in a city that I cant get enough of. I want to have a job that fulfills me and be able to spend my nonworking hours pursuing those things that I have found bring peace and a real form of joy. 

Its been so easy to forget who I am, to just settle for whatever is convenient or here. I am no longer ready to settle in any aspect. The last few days of deep conversation has reminded me that I have no reason to just take what comes and settle, I am so ready to fight for something more.

Three Types of Body Wash

Maybe it was during that conversation over your drinks that I realized it. Maybe it was not until later. But that night definitely was when something started to change. I had wanted this since we met. Actual uninterrupted time to just relax and hangout and chat. I was mostly getting what I wanted. And for some reason it was not what I imagine but exactly what I needed. As the days progressed up to the time I crawled into my vacation bed I could feel that it was finally going to be how it should be. I was not going to be pining over you anymore because I understood. We would always have such a high degree of mutual respect that we would never try and change each other. And without either of us trying to force the other to change nothing would ever be different between us. We were both living the way we wanted and for the first time I understood that our circles would probably never overlap enough for anything to work. And I knew I wasnt willing to compromise. I  used to think i would give up anything for you because you had made me such a better person. You had taught me to grow up and how to handle things that I thought would break me. I couldnt separate emotion from logic. So somewhere along the way getting what I thought I aways wanted minus one thing ended up being what I needed more than what I wanted. It was clarification and understanding down to my heart. It was like the water was finally becoming clear and in seeing my reflection I saw that you would always be someone that influenced my life but I no longer would be someone that would give up who they are to try and be with you. I appreciate that you were strong when I wasnt because it took me a long time to realize. I cant wait for you to lose our bet and realize that I am stronger than you think. We need bff bracelets because thats how I feel now. Thank you for coming and letting me see the truth I had been trying to overlook.

A Depiction of a Night From Home

Yesterday the world felt wrong. Tonight the world feels perfect. Its like a unicorn walked into the meadow I was sitting all alone in and then decided to sit with me. Thats how this moment feels. Let me reenact how I arrived at this moment. 

A simple text yesterday asked me to cover another class, at a club I had never been to. No worries I took it. Then today happened and this arvo was just stressing me out to a very unneccessary degree and I was not enjoying it. I just wanted it to be evening because a dear friend, and a now dear friend, were arriving. What is better than seeing a face from home? So finally the time came. I met up with the boys, they even came to my class with me. And once I got into the studio I ran into someone I had not met but that had changed things for me. He was a friend of a friend. A lovely man who had hooked me up with a job. He smiled and offered to  hook me up with more hours. Exactly what I wanted! I was just stressing the last few days in my head about not working enough so this surprise was something to be overjoyed about. Then class went on and the boys said it was great and all. Then we had delicious sushi, mm, and it was just a perfect evening. Every part of it just fit so nicely. And then at the end they put me in a cab and sent me home. What gentlemen. But that was not all, not that was not all. I arrived to two pieces of mail. A gorgeous wedding invite from two beautiful people and a card. A card that contained hilarious words from each of my siblings, a best friend, and my mother. Its not her fault she chooses the corniest cards and because of that we write that directly in the card each time we are asked to write in them. It also contained an article on the discovery of the most complete skeleton of my favourite dinosaur. A discovery that happened just hours from my home. It also had a bracelet, a perfectly handcrafted compilation of strings that would soon adorn my wrist.

So you see. This evening just left me feeling like the universe loved me. I know the raddest people ever. ps I miss you north america.

A Human Sized Piece of Home

I remember when I would get to have a sleepover and how excited I would be. I would plan out the movies and snacks and games we would play and then I would sit by the window waiting for someone to arrive. I kinda feel like that right now. Like I could just sit by the window and wait for a plane to land. Tonight is going to be my first chance to see a face from my other life in this life. Its not going to be an electronic image with delays, it is not going to be a voice on the other end of the phone. Its going to be tangible, someone I can just hug and do yoga with. I am so excited that I cant focus on anything whatsoever. Please just get here so the next week can be epic most seconds.

"If the Rhinoceros Party Showed Up I Would Vote for Them"

"We don't speak English very much,
but we French very well !"


Welcome to the Rhinoceros Party.


Way to be a joke of a political party. I am not that into politics. I try and stay informed in elections and when I vote I always make sure I know exactly what I am voting for. Unfortunately I am abroad and not voting in this election but was chatting about it with my dear grandmother today and she was the one to provide todays title, thank you grandma. But I actually have a few things to say today about this. First off it is a ridiculous name for a political party, if you want to be taken seriously amongst the Conservatives and the Liberals you are already off to a bad start. The next issue is that it's a political party from French Canada. That already screws them over. Sorry, but French Canadians are not the most beloved people. Trying to give them the benefit of the doubt I decided to seriously read up on their party on their political page. Unfortunately the most commonly used phrase is "to be translated some day" followed by mass amounts of french things. Canada may be bilingual but the only people that utilize the French language are the French Canadians. Way to isolate your party and make it nearly impossible for the rest of the country to even consider voting for you. Congratulations Canada on allowing the most ridiculous political party to participate in our elections.

The Second Last Page in the Yellow Book With Blue Pages and Roses on the Front

I opened my yoga notebook this week to write in my progression for my class. I like to keep track of what I teach each week, it builds up my variations of the modified primary series. This notebook was started when I was becoming a yoga teacher as the american summer came to a close and has all of the beautiful things that I learned knowledgewise. As I flipped the pages and smiled with the memories of self reflection and coming to understand both myself and yoga I found this on the second last page.

"Attractive
So Spiritual
Adventurous
Outdoorsy
Way Random
Dinosaurs and ninjas...
So trustworthy
Gentleman
Loves Travel
Good Listener
Caring/Thoughtful
Humble
Athletic
Very Real
Artistic/Creative
Has a future/*********
Family Oriented
Intelligent
Insightful
Aware
Open

I think I am falling for you & here is why."

Word for word. Stars inserted due to the specificity of their future plans and my complete unknowing if they ever read this blog. Some anonymity is probably best. This list may be one of those stupid things you write down to make thoughts get out of your head but right now its just a clear reminder to me of the sort of things that are actually important. And I actually still think all of this about you. Its crazy how so much has changed but in some small way it is like nothing has changed at all. I hope that somehow it sinks in when I tell you that you are fantastic although I think you just laugh it off. I hope to see your face in person in the next 10-14 weeks.

Part 2. TPAB

Even clocks fail sometimes. They require new batteries or they just stop. Today the clockwork stopped. However, it was still a lovely class full of new faces and it may have been my favourite class actually. So despite the fact that I still dont know if you are American or not it was a beautiful evening.

The Unspoken Downfall of Knowledge Obtainment

If I didnt go to uni for such a excessive amount of time I would have been forced to seek treatment sooner. But unfortunately my knowledge has been working against me. You see I have shin splints and probably stress fractures. It is an overuse injury from running on treadmills and concrete. It has been compounded by an increase in my training and by training through the pain. If I didnt know so much about it I would have asked someone to check it out sooner but I know that the treatment will require several weeks of no running. Not something I will accept unless necessary, so I have been opting for running until the pain hits a point where I cant run and it hurts just all the time. As I write this I can see the clear illogicality of it. But you have to realise since I know exactly what is wrong and how little can be done besides rest I have just went with enjoying my running as much as possible. It will feel like deatheaters are eating my soul tomorrow if I am officially advised to stop running. I will likely shed a tear inside. And to think, if I didnt gain so much knowledge I wouldnt have placed myself in such a poor predicament.

This is why the obtainment of knowledge can be very detrimental.

A Story of Mediastinal Jading

There once was a box. This box was made to hold something special, a treasure that was beyond spectacular. Something that could control most things. It could not be left on its own though. It was fragile and often wandered into trouble or destruction. Perhaps it was nieve. So this box was created. It knew its place and generally did an epic job of protecting its precious cargo. However, time passed. And the more time that passed the more the box would give into its cargos plees for escape, just moments here or there. "Just trust me, this time it is a good idea," the cargo would say. And more often than not the cargo would come back battered and tired. The adventure was often good but it wasnt always worth the overall damage. So the box started becoming more protective. The box starting forming opinions and the more they were proven the more cautious the box became. The simple, but unique cargo was still wide eyed and wanting to explore the world though. So the box felt like it had to take all of the responsibility. I mean it was the boxes job to protect the treasure, so the box began to think of ways to fulfill its duty better. It tried just letting the little cargo out when it was sure it was safe, but even that didnt always work. So then the box tried reinforcement and added extra tape and nails and wood. Even that started getting worn down. As the box started looking inside at its cargo it began to wonder if it could ever really offer the right protection, or if it was just there to try and ward off pain when possible. The box felt bad for all of the scars that were now along the treasure. So the box decided to try something more drastic. It turned to jade. Jade is supposed to offer health, wealth and love and is also so strong. So it seemed like the best idea. But only time will tell if the jaded box will offer more safety for its little treasure or not.

Taunting Spiders

If you are thinking I am an awful person and that I take poor innocent spiders and torture them you are clearly on another planet. You see the spiders are the ones tormenting me. It's like they can smell my arachnophobia. I am doing much better than I was just mere months ago. But sometimes its just a little cruel. If they are outside and not in my way and just in their webs I dont freak out. I dont scream or run or jump like I used to. If they are inside I kill them or ask my dear housemates to. Then there are the terrorizing ones. These ones live in my kitchen. This is the third one. They wait til I come innocently in to get a snack or water or wash a dish or two and then they pop out. They ensure I know they are there, then they start hopping! And I get way scared! And they are always near whatever I need, the sink, the microwave the dishes. It's just not fair. I try and stay out of their way but they cant claim the whole kitchen. And then when someone comes home I tell them and the spider hides! So then I just look crazy and the spider lives to torment me again tonight or in the morning. Sigh. This is not fair. I am trying so hard to get over my fear but when they keep taunting me and hopping I just dont see how I am supposed to deal with this.

The Uncanny Compulsion of Second Chances

I cant stop it. I just think that people can change, or situations can change or maybe I just didnt understand properly. So, generally regardless of the situation I just leave a window unlocked for a second chance to find. I dont consciously do it, perhaps I just consciously dont lock it. And I often dont realize it until my mind starts coming across more and more thoughts of that second chance. Sometimes I wish I could stop this. That I could just close doors definitely. And I do. But usually its after second times another three chances. Sometimes the worst  is probably when I clearly have left the window ajar and the second chance isnt even really wanted. I realize that. I just dont want to see someone change their mind and then come back and see everything shut in.

So as humans that make mistakes most seconds, we need another chance. I am grateful for all of those open windows or unlocked doors people have left for me. I clearly didnt always deserve them. But I cant help but to look at so many times when someone has found the unlocked window and only come in to just steal something special, like my heart. I wish I was sitting here writing this because I locked the last window. It was so close. But somehow I failed. I probably just got distracted by words with no meanings on my way to the last one and then for some odd reason just decided to leave it the way it was. What harm could it do?

Unlocked windows generally only lead to some form of upsetting. The things you really want in your life should come in the front door and not be sneaking in because of windows with faulty locks. Maybe second chances arent always merited in such an open way. Maybe people should have to come back to the front door and knock and start afresh with their second chance. I think that would be less detrimental to my fragile heart. The slithering through the windows doesnt ever end well in real life does it?

Mental Games

I do not believe in playing mind games. Be straight up. Say what you mean and actually act like how you feel. There shouldnt be two ways of you going about a subject. So I will be straight up. I dont have time to be a part of anyones mental games. I am not in high school, and I never was that type of person even in high school. So if you are laying down the pieces for some elaborate, mischievous game just leave me out. I will call you out on it. So its best for everyone to just be honest. I hope you appreciate being called out, and think about that tonight.

All the Petty Scenes and All the Pretty Things

How often does fate open a door. A door that we recognize yet assume will stay open til we get the courage to act, or perhaps will reopen again so we dont have to act now. So we dont do anything. And then it closes and is gone. And we feel like somehow we have been wronged. When the truth is we were given an opportunity and the only one we can blame for the lack of taking it is ourself. Fate isnt there to continually open the exact same door waiting for us to actually clue in. That would be a little excessive and over the top.

These were the thoughts penetrating my mind as I felt the calmness rise over me as I looked up at Jim Adkins. What a talented man. His songs were very therapeutic tonight. Energizing yet also nostalgic and refreshing. It was like a breathe of fresh air from the suffocating feelings of uni life.  So in such a fantastic situation how could my mind be harping on fate.

Maybe its because I always wonder why I dont end up meeting people at shows. Its a place I feel so at ease and yet sometimes so alone because I am too shy to ever just say hello. Or maybe it was because someone random said hello, and had recently been in my hometown. Or because we chatted several times. Or because I knew I was too shy to say we should hangout. I knew it wasnt a door that would reopen. Once it was over I would turn to leave and we would not likely ever have crossing paths again. It was like fate that we met and yet I was too shy to take the opportunity. Luckily you werent.

ps. JEW rocked my universe.

Summon It

The one highlight of my brutal literature review was when I needed to find a specific article and so frantically was loading the library page in an attempt to move this tedious process along. I typed in the name of the article and went to hit search. Instead the button said "summon it". It was a beautiful moment.

I wish I had some sort of magical powers to summon things. That would be very useful most every day.

The Plausbily American Boy

Stereotypically yoga is seen to be done by females. This stereotype is backed by the fact that seven of my last eight classes were predominantly female. The males tend to come with a significant other, or actually just really appreciate yoga and come regularly. And these males are usually not near my age but they become familiar faces and smiles and words of appreciation you look forward to each week. The familiar faces become the best because if they are coming back I figure I must be doing something right.

So you see, it is odd when a young male comes to my class alone. Especially if it happens more than once. So when you walked in again tonight and set up in the same spot I felt puzzled. You stay til the end. You put your palms up for an adjustment in savasana. You smile and wave and say goodbye before you leave. Your shirt says Tucson Arizona. Can something occurring twice be considered clockwork? I am considering it as such. This is all I know about you. But I am intrigued. I partially just want to know if you are actually American, I feel like that would make us besties. Or the fact that you do yoga would actually do that. The plausibly American boy was the highlight of my class. Did I mention he's a bit gorgeous?

Two Broken Hearts Dont Beat Any Less

I am not heart broken. I just feel like something major has changed. But I am not sure what. I can just feel it. I am not sure if its from my aura of if I can feel it outside, as if its blowing around in the wind. And these lyrics have been frequently invading my thoughts so I felt it was time to just express them.

When something happens that takes an icicle to our hearts and then rips it out leaving a massive gash, wound and ultimately a whole or a section of brokenness, we feel like something has died. As if our heart will never mend. As if it has stopped entirely. Let me clarify. I do believe that people can get very ill and possibly die from a broken heart. I do believe that. Emotional pain takes a massive toll on the human body. But mostly we just feel broken inside, when really, our hearts are still beating. And they will continue to beat. And likely, one day they will flutter a little, or skip a beat. Because one day, it wont be broken anymore.

Nothing significant has happened as of late. My moments are spent in coves of notes and less than mediocre pens, and flashcards and trying to cram little clumps of information into the sulcus of my brain. But amidst this lack of thrilling rad adventures I am at peace. Something is changing, and I can feel it reflecting in my aura. Also, my heart is definitely still beating, despite any damage it may have incurred over the years.

One Day Without Shoes

I am a huge supporter of organizations that are in place to actually make the world a better place. Toms. They make incredibly comfortable shoes that are classy and for each pair you buy they make another pair and give them to a child without shoes. A for profit organization that makes a difference. Today was the day to go without shoes in representation of this and to raise awareness.

It was a typical day, rode the bus to uni, had prac classes and lectures. Went to a physio appointment, went to a few stores on and off campus and walked around campus and the streets. Everyone would just look at me, my feet and then give me some sort of judgemental look. I smiled. Just ask if you wonder, no reason to think I am shoeless for attention. Do you think people that cant afford shoes dont wear shoes to get attention? No. One day without shoes reminded me of how fortunate I am.

Also, I wore my TWLOHA shirt today. To Write Love on Her Arms is my other favourite organization. I heard about them just over 4 years ago. It is an organization that focuses on love as the movement. If people know that they are loved they can get through anything. They help people get connected to the treatments and help they need, whether that be counseling, rehab or someone to talk to. Suicide prevention is huge and I really do look up to the people that donate their time and money to help save lives.

So in my shoeless state I thought about the promotion of love and how TWLOHA talks about "stopping the bleeding". How many people are in dire straits? I mean maybe we have shoes and maybe we dont have an addiction, but we all have something. And going one day without shoes has made me more sensitive to the hardships that other people have going on. I hope I can be someone that people will come to if they are in a low place. I am all for love and second chances and getting help and helping people get help. I should be shoeless more often, its made me a better person.

Twirling With Ribbon

The simplicity and beauty of twirling with a ribbon. Something so majestic, like a unicorn drinking from a pool of clear spring water. And yet somehow it can turn into something horrifying, like the red bull coming, or perhaps realizing the simple, beautiful, creative project you started is now a nightmare. A horrifying attack of downloading videos, conversion software and the likes. All so you can have clips from your past. The twirling is forgotten as the frenzy of life continues. Suddenly its not about the side project or any other one thing. The days and nights and days start blending together. The week becomes one entity, not individual events or days. Its like you are watching your life in fastforward with people coming and going and sunsets and sunrises all happening in instants. Welcome to the life of a masters student.

You Cant Keep Looking Back While Moving Forward Without Crashing

In another lifetime someone wrote songs for me. Songs that were so beautiful. Lyrics depicting my life, music made out of love. Hearing them is like that foggy feeling you get trying to remember a dream, trying to grasp onto something thats long gone. Once you got married I refused to listen to your music. I tried to forget everything, it was all packed away carefully, until a day when I could look at it all and smile. Today may not be that day, but maybe it actually is. I can smile knowing that you loved me.

I try to not look back.

"I'm not sorry I met you, I'm not sorry it's over,I'm not sorry there's nothing to say" -Stars.

But in this moment as I close my eyes and remember when you wrote those songs for me I remember what it was like being with someone who would do anything for me. Thats what love was like. Perhaps lately I have wanted to be someone someone else missed, so much so that I forgot it shouldnt be like that. I shouldnt have to try and make you miss you. You just should if you feel the same way. Jd would understand, he told Turk he missed him so much that it hurts. Thats how I feel. Being this far away feels like its killing me somedays, what I would give just to be able to hangout with you. And maybe thats why I thought it was love. And it might be. But maybe its not. Because I worry so much about how you feel and if you think of me randomly during your days. All I know is that if it works out it will feel like it did in another life, when a boy adored me and wrote those songs for me and we were in love.