I Resolve

This year I am making only one resolution.

I resolve to follow my heart a little more and my head a little less.

May this year be full of new experiences, growth and love.

End Chapter

Another year is about to close. It feels like the appropriate time to squeeze my eyes shut and try and remember what has happened over the last twelve months. I think a lot but so little comes to mind. Actually I think this past year has been massively huge, a lot has happened that cannot be quantified in any other way than being life changing.

I thought about summarizing my year and writing a million things but I changed my mind and decided the following was more important.

It could be said that completing my masters was the biggest accomplishment of my year, and possibly my life. But I have to disagree. This year I decided to start healing myself, to proactively take steps to become the person I always thought I could be. I decided to no longer let circumstance or others prevent my happiness but to fight for it, and I couldn't be more excited about that fact. Twenty twelve was the year that pushed me to the place where I chose to change instead of dreaming it. And as much as my future feels blank and confusing I can't be unexcited as mentally and emotionally I know this year is going to be incredible.

The View From Here

I forgot how beautiful the city is, especially covered in snow. It still amazes me that I can stand in a park in the midst of the city and have such a perfect view of both the mountains and the skyscrapers. It was breathtaking. Moments that make you stop because you want to remember them. Because you dont want them to end.

I suppose honesty would lead me to admit it wasnt just the view. It had been too long. I had forgotten what we were like. Hanging out with you is different. It is always like no time has passed, even though this time it was nearly a year. We just pick up right where we had left off and delve into the deep things that arent always easily spilled. And somehow you always say what I need to hear but dont realize I need to hear. I think I realized more about myself in those ninety minutes than some people do in a lifetime. You bring that out in me. The reflection, the pure honesty, the innocence.

I reconsidered my outward views on marriage and finally saw what I believed inside. The words came out before I even realized it was how I felt. I learned that I actually did know what I was looking for but I just needed someone to remind me, someone who knew me beyond comprehension. The fresh air overlooking the city and the crisp snow beneath our feet was only a backdrop to the emotional and intellectual sharing that poured out.

As I drove home I found myself singing, like I always do. But somehow I was smiling.  And it wasnt just within. I had forgotten so much. You make me want to punch you in the face so incredibly often but I think it may be because I might never love someone the way I love you. Because you truly know every single little thing and have never looked at me differently, you respect me, you tease me, you know me. I can only wonder if anything better exists, or if we really should face the facts that you are like a dinosaur and I am so entirely innocent, but we compliment each other.

Paying to Fail Tests

I somehow forget how depressing visits to the eye doctor are. You pay to sit there and acknowledge your complete inability to see any of these supposed letters being flashes before your eyes. And then they ask you to choose between two things a dozen times and you have no idea what the right answer is but it definitely feels like they are somehow tricking you. And ultimately you leave realizing you actually are as blind as you hoped your weren't and wondering how many tests you failed. Perhaps it is the worlds way of humbling me. Or maybe I just have really poor eyesight and should just accept that fact.

Your Adoptive Family

Tomorrow we meet them. And all I can do is continually wish I was a year further in my life. If I had my real job started and a home I could adopt you both. I already love you more than infinity. But instead I am barely graduated with a huge loan and an inability to work in my homeland. It just wouldn't be possible yet.

But you have no idea. You love our grandparents like I do. You fit with use. Like every other child that has graced our home you feel like you are ours. And I am so not ready to meet the people that will take you. My heart already hurts knowing there will be a goodbye.

I am such a fan of adoption and know that one day I will adopt and love someone else's child as my own but that somehow never makes it easier to let go. I just too easily give my heart to children that aren't mine. I hope they are nice and love you even close to the way I do.

A Little Humour

I have a lot of friends that are teachers. In fact it seems like basically all of my friends that I did not meet in physio are teachers. I know that is a generalization but it is basically true. And because I know teachers they ALWAYS have hilarious things that their students have said. I love it. I think children are insightful and hilarious. So today I am commemorating a few cute things my little sisters have said.

Soph: I want to put my whole body in the toilet because I think it would be like a hot tub.

Soph: (While in DQ during lunch with teenagers all over) All of those kids are so loud, dont they know how to act in a restaurant?

Soph: I am 5, how old are you? 7?
Me: I am 24.
Soph: YIKES!

Soph: Since you are allergic to dogs and cats I think you need a fish. Lets go buy you a fish.

Soph: Where are we going?
Me: To our surprise for lunch.
Soph: How do we get there?
Me: I dont know.
Soph and Liv: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Me: Whats so funny?
Soph: You are driving and dont even know where to go! Thats so funny we cant stop laughing!

Meg: Sophia has bunny ears in the photo!
Soph: Stop, I have to go get my bunny ear headband!


Me: I need to go shower so I can smell as clean as you.
Soph: Sniff sniff, you smell like potatoes and corn and you look like peas!

Me: Can I wear your unicorn shirt?
Soph: Nope
Me: Why not?
Soph: Cuz you're a horse!

Gpa: Are you twitting over there?
Kate: How do you know what Twitter is?
Gpa: I know a twit when I see one!

Soph: Kate say something.
Soph: oh you can't talk? You must be a baby! Baby baby baby baby

Meg: you can have ham til it comes out your ears.
Soph: out my ears? Not again!

Soph: gah!I just can't stop dancing!

Laur: silly mum
Soph: tricks are for kids!

Soph: I love pigs. They are so tasty. I just love eating them all the time.

Soph: Lauren, I broke my leg in the wind!

Laur: Liv why are smacking my bum?
Liv: I'm not! I'm hitting your toosh!

Soph: why don't you have toys in your bath?

Laur: you want a cat, Kate wants a dog and I want a fox
Soph: You can't have a fox! You are allergic to everything! You can only have a fish!

Liv: your bum is too squishy!
Soph: maybe it can be a pillow!
They then proceed to lie on me with my bum as their pillow.

Soph: I am going to read the newspaper while I eat, I haven't done that in awhile!

Liv: I want to marry cake with my eyes.
Soph: ah! Then you will have weird kids like chocolate cake babies.

Soph: (pointing to a large animal and talking to meg) and that's you.
Meg: that one is me?????
Soph: oh wait, that's a cow.

I am really going to miss those two and their humour.

A Window of Confusion

Sometimes it feels like I don't know what's real and what isn't. It is like I can't separate fact from possibility and it just leads to a murky waters that I live in. I know part of it is because I am so incredibly stubborn. I like to come up with my own ideas and shape my own life so even if someone else has a great idea for me I may feel adverse to it. So then I cant isolate whether it actually is for the best or not. I suppose in a sense this comes down to marriage lately. It isnt like I have suitors lined up by a door but I feel like I have to make choices I just dont know what they are. I always thought I knew what I was looking for but now I am not sure. My picture of marriage and happiness has been so shattered that I feel unsure of what really matters. I thought I could like the five essentials but maybe I cant. Maybe the things I used to think were essential were superficial. Maybe I really know nothing about this whole love and eternity thing. Regardless, I just wish the waters seemed clearer and I knew what I should be looking for because I am scared I am missing out on good things because of my uncertainty and inability to let anyone in.

Like Waiting For Santa

I sit by the window waiting with a sense of nervous apprehension. The heater is on so I try and cram as much of myself onto the vent as possible to counteract the cold, large window in front of me. The ground is covered in white which reflects the lights on the tree and across the house. It is Boxing Day.

It isn't like I need something particular or feel the need to be the first in the shops but I also feel the day would be emptier if I didn't attend the shops. So all I can do is sit staring out the window wondering where you are to begin our much more humanly hour of shopping than usual.

Christmas Musings

It is a time when family gathers and tension is high but at the heart of it all is laughter and love. And somehow it all leads me to reflection.

Tonight we discussed our favorite Christmases past, after my grandpa reminded me of how gothic I look- even with red nails and an outfit with much less black than normal. As we told our stories I remembered a beloved Christmas card praising my mother for raising a retarded son who acts like a wimpy schoolgirl and the years we saved up and gave away gifts to people who wouldn't have a Christmas. There was a sense of magic that can only come from the love of a family.

And yet as I sit here musing I recognize that the day was atypical in so many ways. It was filled with the hassle of Walmart and getting free items due to their frustration and the stress of trying to organize a variety of dishes and snacks before guests arrived. And somewhere there were unexpected messages that reminded me of a past I had nearly forgotten. And of future memories that could occur. And I can't deny the excitement.

I sometimes get lost in my past. And feel floundering in my future as my life is so uncertain right now and it scares me. But for those few moments of schoolgirl texting I felt a reprieve from my own insecurities. Christmas has a way of making dark things seem bright. May you feel the saviours love around you a little extra today.

Dinner Tonight, Therapy Tomorrow

How poetic I thought as I imagined writing this. Except for the slight fact it is true. Tonight is the dreaded dinner. I realize I am a bad person for going mostly in the hopes of coming home with gifts and slightly because it is the right thing. However, I just cannot be a better person than this today. I havent had an anxiety attack or thrown up yet so I think that counts as doing better than the last meal I attended. Luckily I have a mother who is wise and upon hearing of dinner booked me in to see a therapist tomorrow haha. I think that we can laugh about it is good.

Divorce is sad. But I believe it can lead to the joy of celebrating two holidays twice. Just not in this situation. Sometimes people lie and are deceitful and selfish. Sometimes they seem to forget what their role is and that it requires a sense of selflessness. And because of this and a million more things this dinner is celebrating a holiday twice. I have spent the last 6 hour shutting down emotionally so that by the time I arrive I should be in robot state. I will say as little as possible. I will avoid any real contact. And this is because if I act human I will only ask all of the questions you wont answer and my anger and hurt will get the best of me. So instead I will count the minutes and fill my cheeks with food to avoid having to speak or respond. And tomorrow I will meet a therapist who is supposed to help me learn how to take control of these situations and help me recognize why I cant seem to trust anyone after realizing I had been lied to for most of my life.

So I wish I could write and say tonight I will be trying my hardest to make this dinner seem like it is celebrating the season. But I cant. I am not there yet. And it may take me a really long time to get there. But I am proud of myself for attending because that is a really huge step for me and is going to hurt a lot more than the physical pain my body tends to feel. So here is to the night I wont want to remember and moving on to let myself enjoy the rest of the holiday season.

The Uterus Question

Recently someone close to me was asked if you need a uterus to have a baby. This question would be acceptable if the questioner was not in her 50s and the biological mother of two grown children. I nearly died of laughter when I heard.

My uterus and I have not been very amicable for at least the past 7 years. In fact we have reached a point where I already know it will be removed. It is just a matter of time. And today it extra hates me. It really doesnt seem to be aware that this is Christmas time and I have quite a lot to do.

Since I came home ten days ago I have spent the majority of my time with my two little sisters. And last night we reached a point where I realized I was like a mother. I was wearing a tutu as they requested because they were wearing theirs, while I was making their dinner and sewing an arm and a head back on two different bunnies. Today I dressed as an elf for preschool as it was my sisters special day and I wanted to make sure it was special. I really love these girls a lot. As much as I would my own children.

So as much as I really really hate my uterus and am slightly drugged up right now to dull the pain I will keep it for a little while because I know that you  need a uterus to have a baby and I really would like to have a child of my own one day. The uterus will not win.

Deception

I am quite aware of the season and festivities but despite that I feel the need to release. I have always been known for being a bit blunt. Things just come out of my mouth and I do sometimes regret it, but I just speak faster than I think. So I suppose because of that I just thought it was always really hard to lie. I mean when you dont even have time to think and then you realize you have said three sentences well its too late to change your story. So because of this I just like to think that people are really honest. Sarcasm is not included. I bleed sarcasm. But that isnt the same as deception. I just have realized that there are humans that lie so much that they even begin to believe that what they are saying is true. They convince themselves that they are not in the wrong. They completely pull the wool over their own eyes to spare themselves the despair that comes from dishonesty. And I have learned that when you begin to see through the wool and recognize that it was a wolf all along it can be extremely painful.

I know that I say the wrong things a lot. But for the first time I have realized that I would rather say the wrong thing and be honest than to live a life that is a twisted web of lies. Lies hurt people. But as much as I am learning about deception I finally feel like a scrap of the truth is being uncovered and I would rather learn the truth and feel its sting than to continue to be fooled by the sheeps clothing.

Stay Classy

After maintaining a tearless face for farewells I reached the last one. As I stood next to the stairs for passengers departing we embraced and I felt proud of my lack of tears even though I could feel them wanting to escape. Then I saw your teary eyes and the flood gates opened. As I finally walked down the steps and filled out a customs form I realized I was sobbing and not the quiet way. Security and customs proceeded with tears streaming down my face an I realized I looked like a crazy chick and I wanted to vomit. So I messaged my brother who indicated that I should think of unicorns in fields and that crying or throwing up on strangers is not classy and should be avoided.

Two years is more than long enough to form friendships that go beyond words. And as I gave that last hug I realized how much a few people changed my life and I am forever grateful. So as sad as I may feel I also feel so blessed to have had those two years and I am determined to not let those be final hugs. We will meet again. Until then, stay classy.

My Simple Farewell

I want to say this announcement comes with both deepest regrets and excessive excitement. And I understand those are opposite emotions. But as hard as it was to come to this decision the prospect of the future is thrilling and makes me feel alive. So this is my way of saying au revoir to the beautiful country of Australia and hello to my homeland, at least temporarily.

I have really come to love this place and all the people that have made my life here something worth writing home about. But I am ready to take the next step in my life and proceed with a future and at this stage the best choice for me is to go reconnect with my family while beaurocracy battles with my paperwork.

So depending on where you live will likely change your reaction. If you are in Australia you can celebrate my sarcastic departure, may your country be a little freer from the humor you struggle to embrace. And for those in Canada you can rejoice knowing that I will be coming back to bake you granola bars.

Regardless I hope that you can be happy for me. Because for once I am putting myself first and that means getting my ridiculous body checked out and getting healthy. It means spending time with  my grandma and coming to terms with everything I ran from. I am going home so I can continue growing up and progressing.

This has been the greatest escape of my life so I can only hope that the next chapter is half as beautiful and full of love as this has been. This place and it's people will be missed.

The Truth Behind The Hair

I doubt most people close to me will forget when I apparently randomly cut my long thick hair off and swapped if for a short pixie. I said I had always wondered what short hair would be like and that Australia would be too hot for long hair. I appeared to be spontaneous and full of life. When I really cut it to feel like I could control something.

That week I was about to move home for a few weeks before moving abroad. I had realized for perhaps the first time my family would never be the same, my father wouldn't chose to come back. And then my cousin passed away. My world was crashing down and I couldn't control a single thing. So I cut it all off. And as things got better I started to grow it out. Until I was overseas visiting a friend and was confronted with another difficult issue I felt I couldn't handle. So I walked I to a place where no one spoke my language and pointed to a picture and let it come off again.

It's taken a year and a half. And it's only a couple inches now away from its longest. And as much as I feel like so much is out of control I don't feel so desperate. I feel strong enough to face change without trying to be drastic. Without forcing my hand to grasp control of anything.

It may not be long for forever but I want the next cut to be for something beyond a desperate plea for control. So for now it shall just remain long and whipping back and forth.

My World is Changing, I'm Rearranging

I am not sure it is real. Actually I know it isn't because I haven't allowed myself to cry with a goodbye yet. It is now less than 24 hours. I am packing my life into 70kg and leaving a world I created all on my own. And I somehow didn't think it would be this difficult. I didn't realize how completely I made a life here. I made it home. It was like a place no one could destroy because no one else created it. It was under my control. But that's why I came. I needed to regain control of my life. But I suppose now that I have let my hair grow out again and acknowledged the reality of so much I am ready to face the world I left.

So much as changed in two years. I am a completely different person now than when I left. I have learned who I am and how to love and I have come to know forgiveness. As everything rearranges I am terrified. I fear my faith isn't strong enough and that I am making a mistake. But deep down I know this will be everything I need.

My world is changing. And it does mean Christmas is changing too.

Reintegration

The last three weeks have been different. I have opened my life to half of my family and for me that is a bit big. I have always enjoyed my personal space and avoided conversation and discussion about anything personal. It isnt that I like secrets, I just like independence and I dont really trust anyone, especially not these days. So I tend to just keep quiet about how I feel or what I think. But I have really tried to just be completely open with them as they have delved into my life. And it was both so rewarding yet draining. I didnt realize how much my little sister needed a big sister. I wonder if I had been gone less if I could have helped her more, but I think she is just too stubborn. I try and impart words of wisdom and love upon her ever chance I get but she hates it. Oh to be sixteen again. I am about to have two days to say goodbye on my own and then be whisked back into a world of family and I would be lying if I said I wasnt scared. It has been 6.5 years since I have truly lived in that city. I left just after I graduated high school and only returned for summers. It has been so long and I wonder if there is a place for me there. I am scared I wont fit in at home or in the community. A lot is changing. My world is changing so much. And I worry that I have forgotten how to reintegrate into a community where I dont have to just worry about myself. But I think it is time for me to put the focus a bit more on the family and see if I can help them mend, I think they are still more broken than they admit. So maybe there is more to me going home than I realize.

Enough Faith To Crash And Burn?

I know that there are often times in our lives where we are required to make choices based on faith. To do something difficult and know that there is a plan for us. I mean I moved to Australia where I knew no one and gave up the career path I had planned and doing that was maybe  not the easiest thing. But it was a heck of a lot easier than going home is. I thought I would be excited. Thrilled at the prospect of a white Christmas and making chocolates with my grandma. But here I am, two days left and I am so incredibly scared and sad. I have a life here, and it is beautiful. I could have a career here. I could continue to be independent. And somehow I am giving all of that up and it honestly feels like for nothing. I am leaving all of that to go live at my mothers house where I have no car, no job and no job prospect as I am not qualified on that continent. I lose my independence and what feels like my life. And all because I am tired of my health winning out and being the deciding factor. And because I prayed about it. But I wont lie. This is one time when I feel like my faith isnt strong enough. I really feel like I am being pushed further than I can handle going. I feel like this move is about to break me. And I know that there must be some plan and I just cant see it. I realize that. But right now when not a single glimpse of that plan is apparent and I am so close to getting on that plane, well it is hard. Really hard. And I think the next two days will involve a lot of crying. I dont think I have ever been more afraid I am making a life altering mistake than I feel right now. So fingers crossed I can find a bit more faith and not crash and burn in what feels like me walking away from everything I know.

Hat Trick?

As my mind wandered back to the ease with which such personal topics had flown I wondered if you would be the third. You see lately I have felt like I am incapable of caring about a male specimen for any period longer than short term. I find that I get intrigued easily and lose interest even faster. I like feeling like I have to work, I dont like attention flowing easily. So as my parade of male suitors has seemed abnormally large and short lived recently I found myself frustrated. And this frustration has only been mounted by the fact that most of these short lived suitors seem to get engaged the moment they arent with me. So I have been weighted down with the wonder if I can ever care about someone for real but then I met you and realized maybe I can occasionally be real with someone and actually care.

So I am now thinking I can add a third to my list. Over the past lets say five years there have clearly been two men that have formed a foundation and become significant figures in my life. One of whom always provides me with the wisdom and confidence to make important decisions and the other always seems to know when I need someone to talk to and the right way to listen to personal problems. I am not sure the two could be more different and I doubt they will ever meet but both have changed my life dramatically and somehow the fact that after more than a week I still care about them makes me think there is hope for me.

I really dont understand how I get annoyed with humans so easily. I just cant seem to handle their attention or interest. I cant say I dont understand how I am alone. I get it. I just also wish I wasnt. And the constant engagements are starting to feel like nails in a coffin. I admit I pretend to be excited for people but inside I feel such a sense of longing and aching that I just want to wish away. However, I am holding to the fact that I may have a hat trick. And that when this week literally brought me to uncontrollable tears that the right person randomly messaged me and knew how to rescue me from my own self doubt. So inspite of this being about me not ever caring about people for a real period of time, and me wondering if I met someone new that will change my life, it is really probably about the fact that you always rescue me when I need it and that after over two years we are going to see each other and I am scared I will relove you.

This Week Was Hard

This isnt poetic and it has been awhile but this is just the reality of this moment. This week marked nearly three weeks of close quarters with family and for someone that doesnt really like humans and basks in alone time and personal space it has been hard. But that has been the least of it. I have had 10 days to pack up my life. To take everything I have known for over two years and to fit it in the weight requirements of 70kg, which is basically nothing if you know me. Four bags of donated clothes later and I am still at least 7 kg off. Not to mention the fact that I pretend I am not sad to be leaving but I am actually so sad I could cry on cue. And then to add the cherry on top a boy I recently ended things with is engaged, after one week, engaged. And so this week has been hard. End post.

Bingo On My Bottom

One of the best things are being on a large boat full of senior citizens is that there are frequent bingo games. At first I was disconcerted as the form of bingo in this hemisphere was foreign to me but after learning it I have come to accept it. You see I really love bingo. I like the thrill of coming close to winning or having a number you need being called. And in reality I usually play at my grandmothers and she gives me prizes even when I am a loser. So it has been a shock having no one reward me for my losses but I find it quite exciting. They even have all of these crazy sayings and you play a game called bingo on your bottom. I think I must be an old lady inside, which is entirely okay because by the time I am an old lady on the outside I should be really good at bingo!

Pantig

To celebrate my impending graduation my little Shmoopy and my mother flew to this land. Upon arrival we found our way to a most magical zoo. And for me to throw out such praises actually means something as I am a zoo person. While there Shmoopy and I were possibly a bit more ourselves than usual as we had been apart for so long. So upon seeing a new animal when our mother asked whatnot was we confidently told her it was a pantig. We explained this name came from its appearance as it looked like it was a combination of a panda, a pig and am anteater. She still seems skeptical but we are most sure that is what it is. So we have adopted the pantig as our new thing. It is always appropriate to pantig to celebrate a moment or acknowledge something awkward. Feel free to jump on my bandwagon. Photos to come.

Liquid Sunshine

They all seem to call it that. I suppose it makes the rain seem like its something you have to enjoy and are blessed to have that way. And I really can't complain as I am sitting in a Thai massage parlor waiting for the joy of a massage. I wouldn't have minded hiking a waterfall and seeing parrots but I definitely am also happy with a bit of relaxing. I think holidays need some time that isn't scripted. That just allows me to be spontaneous. So I think this liquid sunshine was for me today.

The Time I Grew Wings

What do you do when all of your plans come to a close? When you reach a point you weren't ever sure existed? You apparently grow wings and learn to fly. You feel a sense of success and freedom you actually didn't know existed.

I think it is safe to say I am not an overly confident person. Swagger isn't something I possess too much of. But let me tell you, I have never been so proud of myself as I am right now. I feel like I am pretty impressive. I mean twenty four with a Masters should count for something.

I could stop praising myself but I probably won't for this whole post so feel free to vomit a bit or stop reading.

The thing is the past two years have been a gong show. I mean hectic as. And there were times when I couldn't see an end, to any of it. It just felt like I was drowning in the middle of the ocean with nothing around but more ocean to drown in. But I didn't. Somehow I just made it to now. I mostly doggy paddled along, but I am okay with that because I made it.

I don't have much of a plan set. Everything beyond yesterday seems foreign and unaligned. But in these moments it just seems irrelevant because I have done it. All I want to do is celebrate and feel proud of myself. To breathe and to feel free. So I think that is exactly what I will do.

I did it. I survived.

The Nearing End

Tomorrow is it. One exam. In sixteen hours my college career ends. I earn a second piece of paper and suddenly it will be like everything has changed. At least that is how I imagine it. But the truth is I dont really slow down long enough to take these things in. Tomorrow is incredibly jam packed and when I finally have time to breathe I will be on a plane to see two of the most important people in my life. So I really am not sure there will be a proper alone moment for me to let it sink it. Actually, I will create such a moment because this is something I want to celebrate. Tomorrow is the end of a very long and difficult chapter and I know the one unfolding next will be full of turmoil and frustration and confusion but I also have an inkling that it may be full of a beauty and sense of accomplishment that I have only ever seen on television. Emotion seems to be welling inside. Waiting for the proper moment of release. It is all starting to sink in. Maybe a few hours prematurely. But emotion waits for no man I suppose. At least it feels that way. I have almost accomplished something to be really proud of. I just need to survive the next sixteen hours without exploding.

My Real Life Atlantis?

It felt like a dream. Not like the kind I have. But the kind where you feel like you have just escaped reality and that you are somehow in an alternate world. It had all of the right elements. It had the sort of people you want to be surrounded by, it had nature, culture, contrast, excitement and wonder. It truly was like I had a chance to just step away from the stress I have felt surrounded by.

I think I forget to live sometimes. To breathe. I let myself suffocate in my own mind. But for some reason I just bought plane tickets and made no plans other than whose home to sleep at and I left. And because of my lack of thought and desire to just escape I found so much joy. It really was amazing to just forget about everything and to just live in the moment. To let nothing else matter except for my first proper scones and the magic they brought to my mouth. To just take in the muddy path and the stream and the garden and the people that just exuded so much beauty.

I would compliment this with pictorials but I mostly just used my polaroid and my pop cam, I know, I clearly want to be either indie or a hipster. So the digital world is lacking photographic evidence. But my heart will hopefully not soon forget the childlike bliss I felt at Father John's. Melbourne is a place I can only hope to be blessed enough to spend more time in.

A Little Taboo

I have said it before and I will probably scream it again; I am not a fan of discussing politics and religion with most people. Let me explain. I love talking about religion with people that are open minded and have something to share. However, let me be realistic, most people are not in this category-even if they say they are. I find once you bring up things like God or the President you are in for a rampage of someones beliefs that they will try and turn into fact. Sorry, but that is not my cup of tea. I do not feel the need to force my political or religious beliefs upon anyone. I am quite thrilled to share such thoughts with all but not in any situation that is then going to involve me being tied to a stake and slashed.

So here we are on American Election day. And I am dying. I have this love/hate relationship with it all. I think both candidates will do well. America will be blessed with either leader. I do have a preference but that is my choice. What is killing me is how short sighted and opinionated people are, especially those I esteem as colleagues or intellects. And then there is those on the internet that I have to question whether they know anything more than that Obama is black and Romney is Mormon. It really is like stabbing my eyes and watching them bleed as I read the comments people make, there is an overwhelming sense of ignorance. And not only that but the arguments! I feel politics brings out not only the worst in people but also an air of arrogance and misguided confidence as people spread less than half truths in order to defend something they know little about.

So as the election is quite near being called I shall bring this to a close. Regardless of which party you vote for may you never open your mouth about politics unless you are informed.

Midstress Crisis

I am literally stressed to the point that I can feel the tears fighting to come out. I wish they would. It would probably release some of this tension I feel throbbing inside. I understand that I am the one that chose to move. But I kinda didnt. I prayed a lot about it and felt prompted to make the choice. And not knowing the reason why makes it harder for me to understand that it will all work out because right now my room, my life, my everything, seems like a disaster so large that it should make the news.

Logically I know somehow things will happen and work. And I understand that clearly there is a plan for me. But my lack of knowing just makes it feel like my life is one of those puzzles where every single piece is a sky piece that looks the exact same and there are no edges so you dont even have that to go off of.

I know I seem ridiculous. But taking two years of life and trying to pack it all and make it fit while planning trips and selling furniture and trying to find someone to move in is just too much for my humanness. Plus I somehow have to go to uni this week and then take an exam next week and I just feel like I am suffocating in my own oxygen. And I cant say I want someone to come wave a magic wand. I dont. I dont expect someone to give me some logical answer that they think is superior. I just want to feel like someone cares that this is hard on me too. It seems like everyone just looks at how this affects them and no one has thought that maybe leaving is hard for me too. I dont feel strong enough to survive the next month. A lot of divine intervention will be required for this to all work out.

A Little Insecurity Never Killed Anyone, Or Did It?

So the other night I hosted a celebration of All Hallows' eve. You know. That night that makes you look back and think of mum fussing over your makeup and if your costume was big enough to fit a snowsuit under. At least that is how my childhood went. And then when I grew up and moved away I didn't dress up as much. Entirely because I was too self conscious. I always felt like I needed to put my best foot forward and I just didn't feel comfortable going all out. Of course I look back and punch my younger self in the face, in my mind.

But somehow this all fits into how insecure I have felt as of late. And trying to host something only projected it. I dont handle attention well and I get anxiety when I know I am responsible for others enjoyment. It just is too much for me to handle. I spend the whole time before and during worrying about what everyone in attendance thinks and recognizing things that are less than ideal, like wrappers in with the candy. I think I am just not confident enough to really let go. To be able to just entirely be myself around everyone.

I havent decided yet if it is the stress or something more, but everything seems emotionally amplified and more dramatic to me right now. I think I am just so overwhelmed that everything is shutting down and my ability to cope is diminishing which would be really poor timing because I just realized I have only one more weekend in this place I call home. I am so not ready to say goodbye to my life. I wish I wasn't so afraid of my future. I need to go to the markets and buy some self confidence.

39 Days of Countdowns

5 hours/2 patients and I complete 20 weeks of placement.
4 days of classes and I am done formal university learning.
7 days and I fly to Melbourne.
13 days and I take my last uni exam.
14 days and I fly to Sydney and see my mum and Shmoops.
16 days and I get on a cruise.
30 days and I bring those two foxes to brissy to see my life.
39 days and I move across the world.

These next few days are about to be a whirlwind of packing, insanity, love, and memories. Hopefully it goes slow enough that I can savor it.

Taxidermy

The other night I was at dinner. And at some point I realized that I was saying really strange things. I think I realized it because the other two people there were staring at me and asking what I was on. And then it came out that this was actually me being normal. I just had been too tired lately to be me. Plus at nearly 2am the other night I was talking to my brother. And when we talk the best of me comes out. And once I get going it can take days before I can revert to basic human interactions. You see we talk about really important things. So instead of me trying to make up words that will be less accurate to reality I am going to overload you reality. BAM!

Who else wakes up to dinosaurs? That was only the first of many..

Dont worry, I keep my taxdermied squirrels in my purse or my pocket so I can pet them when I am lonely. I miss this guy more than anything in the freaking world. I dont know what I would do without weekly skype dates and imessaging.

Our Unisolated Isolated Experiences

It often feels like our experiences are isolated. At least to me. I think things like how no one could ever understand because it didnt happen to them this way. But I think as individual as our experiences are they are also relatable to a degree I cannot explain. We are less alone than we think. And I am not referring to UFO's. I was reminded this by my beautiful mother this afternoon. I had picked up the phone out of longing and desperation. Frustration at feeling like I had accomplished nothing that mattered and that everyone else had what mattered and yet couldnt seem to see it. I know that we are so short sighted and it is easier to see things in someone else. But it was one of those moments when I wanted to scream. To admit that I would give anything to be a mother and yet feel constantly reminded that there is a chance that will never be me. And for some reason the more time that goes by the more fears I create. And irrespective of that I have just felt so overwhelmed and alone and like I have had no outlet. So I phoned home. I thought of how ET must of felt and how hard it would have been. Sometimes home seems far away.

And somehow home can provide a comfort that I forget exists. The words were full of life experience, of faith so much stronger than my own, of pride in my achievements and of love. Sometimes I just need to hear that I am not just about to jump off a cliff to my own death. So as much as I am realizing that time is short and I have so much to do and see and live in this place I also am trying to remember that I need to make the most of this and not waste my time being stressed or else I will move away with regrets.

Perhaps I wont find someone that understands what it feels like to give up something sure in a place you like to go back to the place you ran away from, the place that still holds pain and scarring. But I am mostly sure I will find people that understand how hard leaving can be and that know growing up is hard. And maybe that is all I need. Maybe sometimes all we need is to know that someone cares, not that someone knows the exact feelings of dispair lurking within. And today all it took was the love and faith of one person that pushed me back to a place of courage while walking into the dark instead of the fear that comes with being prodded off a plank.

But Can You Tell Me Now, You're The Lucky One

The fatal flaw seems to be the inability to see more than the moment. To not be aware of the big picture. To be so caught up in self destruction to not realize how lucky we are. At least that seems to be my most constant battle. I mean I can corpse up really nice but I cant seem to coordinate my life. I am getting so caught up in everyone having these futures lined up so nicely. They all either seem to have their career or their spouse and or child. And I look and realize I dont have any of that. I am about to graduate and am one of the few that doesnt have a job and it is my own fault. And because of that I am so becoming so unaware of how lucky I am. I want to say that I feel like I have the world at my feet, but I feel like it is on my shoulders and as everyone seems to point out, I am not very strong. I just hope that I can stop being so blind and self centered before I let everything come crashing down. Somewhere deep down I know I should be able to tell you I am a lucky one, but today those words just arent on my tongue.

Bad Times Always Seem to Last

It is literally 2:22 and 22s. At least it was when I started that sentence. And yet the matching numbers brought no smile. This was supposed to be moments of me faking chirpyness during a 2am interview. This was me supposed to be me getting a job and a future and having it all work. I wasnt even optimistic, I just wanted a chance. I should have known the fact that I am not registered there yet would mean they wouldnt even think of me. I just assumed since they bothered to set up an interview that meant something. It just meant interrupted sleep and dashed hopes.

Each day seems more trying. I feel like I have given up so much this week and absolutely nothing has come in return. All I can do is second guess. But it feels to late to change my mind and I know I made my choice for a reason. I just never could have imagined how draining this all could be. I am unsure if I could feel like my life is less stable. Even my halloween costume hasnt arrived. It is as if the world is just repeatedly punching me in the face and I have no idea why.

I am so sure that this all feels worse than it is because it looks like I gave up a possibly really good job for knowing that I will have nothing. And I hate myself a little bit for being able to do so. For trying to make the right choice. I just need something to go right to remind me that it is going to be okay. I just need a reminder that this isnt going to last.

Collision Is Such An Ugly Sound

I don't like to see collisions or be a part of it. I mean who would choose to participate in a crash? Not me. I prefer my windows to remain in one piece and for my lashes not to be whipped. And maybe this stems from seeing a traumatic accident during my youth. Regardless, the mere thought of a collision makes my eyes scrunch up and my ears want to close. And yet I feel like I am in the middle of crashes I created.

I knew this was going to be hard. I just didnt think it would be this hard. I didnt expect to have moments where it would feel like I had just walked off the plank moments too soon. I dont understand why life has to punch you in the face when you already are walking away. I suppose I deserve it. I did say that I would rather be punched in the face than given flowers. So there it was.

I dont think I want to actually be punched in the face. I just feel so defensively independent and scared. So much is changing. And I am worried that I am falling behind the eight ball. So I am colliding with myself. I am just letting all of those deep thoughts I dont say come screaming out into each other. And it is resulting in frustration. I understand why my dear patient cried today out of frustration. Wanting something and not being able to make it happen in the way you want is disheartening.

I just need to take a step back. But I dont have time to waste. So instead I just waste even more time arguing within my inner monologue. I need to just make things happen. To maximize this time. To sleep. To see what everyone else can see.  I need to walk away from the collision I felt I created and hold my head up high and be proud of where I am at instead of yearning for a life that someone else lives. Today life felt hard.

My Discomfort With Your Salty Water

The tears are stalking me. It is like there is an unknown being that recognizes my extreme aversion to those salty drops and therefore tries to place as many dripping areas as possible into my current existence. It appears that none of the others have any patients that leak and yet far too many of mine do. And not because I am awful, usually just because they are overwhelmed. And I probably would feel the same if I was them. I just have to admit that I am not fond of these moments. And it isnt because I think people should never cry. I just know that if I am crying something is truly burdening my soul and I hate that feeling so when I think that must be someone else than my heart starts breaking for them and I just want to pull out a little needle and thread and try and stitch them back together. So I swear I dont hate tears because I am heartless, I hate them because they make my heart hurt. My goal is to go through this whole week without tears finding their way into my life. But I know it wont happen because I work with people that have a reason to cry and burdens I cant entirely lift. So maybe I should wish that their tears didnt break my heart so much.

I Must Look Like I Am Running Away To You At Your Faster Pace

If you could only slow down long enough to realize I am finally stopping. I am no longer running from everything. I am coming to terms with reality and creating a beautiful future of my own. It isn't running away when you are running to something. It is gracefully leaving. At least that is what I am telling myself. I can only hope that others will feel the same and be as receptive. I already have caused tears and I feel so bad. I didnt mean to upset anyone. I know I will cry but I didnt want anyone else to. Now I am apprehensive about shedding light on it all this week. But the truth is talking a lot is still just talk and that wont change it. I bought a one way flight. It is real. I am finally going to stop running and go home. It is time for me to face the reality that I tried to hide from and I honestly am really excited because I think that this is an important step towards me being able to move on. This place has been a most lovely escape but the truth is that I came here to escape. And no one can run forever. Not happily. So I can only admit that I feel a sense of relief knowing that I have matured and been able to make a proper decision. So I hope you can slow down enough to see that I am not running away.

If Ben Gibbard Knew Me

I am mostly sure my dear friend Ben Gibbard wrote this song about me. It will likely be my theme song for probably the rest of my life, and your life also, incase you live longer and need a song to remember me by.

You see I often wish I was named my middle name not my real name, but because I decided that too late in life I have felt I couldn't ask to be called by it. So only one person uses it, but I secretly wish everyone used it instead. It would be so much better than most nicknames I find myself having so I don't know why I can't find a system to implement this.

Regardless, I am regressing, the point is Ben wrote a solo album. That album came out today. And this one song is exactly what I want a boy to sing for me. And it's not one where someone even has to change a name or anything. It just is perfect. And I am obsessed with it. And I am nearly sure that Ben wrote it about me. That would make sense.

Disclaimer: you cannot hold me responsible for any obsession that occurs from listening to this. Onward.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ak9q7RZRSgc

ADDIT

I feel amiss having not included this in my previous post. So here it is. Plus in patient notes I write an addit when I forget something so I find it is a completely acceptable way of adding information that was previously missed.

I have realized that although feeling unwell has not been my highlight the last few months if it wasnt for that I would never have considered option two. And if I hadnt considered option two I wouldnt have even dreamed of option three. So in reality I feel really grateful that I was put in a position where I had to look outside the small diorama that I created my life in to see that there was something more. It reminds me that the Lord is so mindful of every little part of our lives.

A Decision Without An Eight Ball

I have felt tormented with choices. Felt a paralyzing inability to choose. I felt like there were enough pros and cons to make both options as miserably happy as you can imagine. So when I was inspired to think of a third option I wanted to punch myself in the face. I thought "Lauren, you idiot, if you cannot decide between two things then adding a third is the most miserable solution!" But then I thought. And realized option three was everything I wanted. It was the best of both worlds. And so I made three pros and cons charts, thankgoodness I have a book of premade pros and cons charts (and no I didnt make it, I was given it as a gift). So off I went. And option three had the most pros.

So I made three choices. I texted two people. One seriously. One hypothetically. Then I went for a run to clear my head. Then I facebooked a third. The one person that I for some reason felt could help make it a reality. She is a young mother I have looked up to since before she even got married. I remember the day before she left for her wedding I told her that if she came back and was one of those weird married people I would never speak to her again. I wasnt joking. She came back normal. And ever since then I have wanted a marriage like hers. Needless to say, I really love this girl. So I asked for her help. And somehow just knowing that she would support me and at least peek around a few corners made it all seem real.

I know exactly what I want to do. And the thought makes me really happy. I just hope that I can make it a reality. With fingers crossed.

Never Grow Up

I thought if I closed my eyes I would be able to envision my future. What I want to happen next. But that has never worked for me. And in a way that scares me. I cant picture the things that are reality. I can only ever seem to imagine the things that are too far out of my reach. Like lying in a meadow with a unicorn. And somehow that doesnt lend a vine when I am being engulfed in the murky bog that is my life.

I think Peter Pan had it right when he decided to never grow up. I wish I was in Neverland. Then I wouldnt be in this bog. And I definitely wouldnt be overwhelmed with decisions that actually matter. I dont know how grown ups do it. Working out finances, debts, career options and the expenses entailed is so frustrating and awful. It if like choosing to poke yourself in the eye repeatedly and even though you know it is the worst you just keep going.

And it seems like every time I get close to figuring it out I realize that I have actually missed 97.24735893425 percent of the picture and actually have no idea what the heck is suitable. I can see the grains of sand slipping through the glass and recognize that the time is running thin but I cant seem to sort it out. I just feel so inadequately knowledgeable and see no options that is maximal. The solution isnt clear. Sacrifices will have to be made. I just do not feel ready to sacrifice anything. I want too much. And I feel like what I am asking for isnt too much, it just isnt feasible. So I think I am going to try and be grown up and wait until next week when hopefully a gap or two of blank information lines is filled and then make a choice. And that choice will likely be finding a way to Neverland.

I Must Not Have Found It Yet

If I had it myself I wouldnt pine for theirs. So I must not have found it yet. I wouldnt care so much about fictional characters in televisions shows falling in love if I had a love like theirs. So this must be why I just die when Chuck and Blair seem to be falling apart or when Wade and Zoey can't seem to get things right. Gah! I just feel like if television can so easily portray true longing and connection then it must be capable in real life. I just can't rely on television to tell me how it happens and that is exactly where I get caught up. I just wish I had a handbook on it all. One that said exactly where to wander to at least have that cute meet that leads to a rocky road of eternal bliss.

Magic Eight Ball Humans

All my thoughts are scattered lately. It's is like my mind is constantly playing a combination of scrabble and boggle at the same time, and well, no one can win at that game. So all I can really do is vomit out the words I think of as it seems to be the only type of vomit this little body is capable of.

I sought advice from two different sources today. Both experts per-say in their respective fields. One educated and one in religion. I was looking for separate information and it all has turned out so backwards. I thought I knew what the medicine man would say. He has left me with a sense of speechlessness as all I can do is process the thoughts he laid forth. And then I was expecting something vague from the religious leader and yet heard something so definite. I wonder if my thoughts guided his. Or if I just wanted verification. Either way both responses were not what I expected. Humans are so like magic eight balls, unpredictable.

I think that if I had a magic eight ball right now it would be telling me that the next few weeks are setting a stage for change. I think it is almost time to test out my wings and leave the best, but I already know there will be a lot of falling involved so am hesitant to take that first plunge. But as I am only human I must admit I can be as unpredictable as those beloved magic eight balls so who knows what is about to transpire.

I Hate The Way I Love You

Truth is I dont know that I could love someone more. And that someone could know all of me and care as much as you. And that is only one of the reasons I can sit here writing about how much I hate loving you. I hate it so much it makes me want to jump on my bed and scream and throw my dinosaur pillow at the wall. I may in fact do that minus the screaming as I wouldnt want to draw attention to myself, although the scent of my freshly baked banana bread may drown out any other actions I perform this evening.

How is it possible that you can meet someone and from that moment feel a connection? To have instant trust. To have a bond that seems umbreakable despite all of the cities and countries we continually place between us. To be able to pick up a phone after months and have nothing change. To be so secure in ourselves that there is never any question. Except the only question. The one that we exchange in questioning my religion and your lack of. I have filled pages of journals about you. Wasted so much voice expresssing my frustration to close ones. And yet none of it matters because I cant sit here and say we werent. We arent. All I can write is how regardless of the years and the distance and our lives I wonder if I could ever love anyone more. We havent even given it a shot. Purposely. I keep moving countries. You keep having plans. We keep being individual. And it always brings us back to the same place.

I wonder if at this point you can even deny it? No one else can. Our coworkers knew before we did. Even the people that I thought wouldnt see it say they do. We arent just passing humans. You have changed my life. You make me a better person. You are everything I could ever want except for one thing. How can one person be so perfect and yet possibly so perfectly wrong? And how can I feel all of this screaming in my ears when I havent seen you in so long and when someone else brings me flowers? How can I be so confused and lost and yet appear so put together.

I need to know you love me back so we can both hate this as much as I do. I hate the way I dont know how to stop loving you.

The Tightrope

Balance is a fine line. It is an act that the world creates almost seamlessly although the effects of it are rippled and feel like earthquakes. Today's mail rang this true more than ever. I had two items. Both shockingly unexpected. One was a letter saying my tax return has to be verified and I may not get my money for another 2.5 months if it is verified. Good thing I was counting on that three and a half grand they took from my pockets, awesome. The other was a gift certificate for a lavish gluten free website from someone that was a big part of my past for such a short time. An incredibly thought and unnecessary gift that came out of a preordered birthday gift that recently hit his doorstep. It was just so thoughtful when nothing was expected. And to arrive the same day as the blow of my taxes just somehow made the world seem right. That and the three gazillion other thoughts in my mind battling as they are all so contrary. There is a balance that wants to be had but I cant believe how contrary everything seems to be to create that equilibrium.

I need to take my turn and walk across this tightrope but I am so scared of falling I dont want to take the first step.

Like Walking Off A Cliff, Knowingly

There is not another description for it. It is like I know exactly what I am about to do but not really knowing what is to come after the fall. Yet in a way it doesnt seem like a choice. Not like I thought it would. I expected to have two platters brought to me. Both full of the most succulent meals you can imagine. Ones that would literally make your mouth water. And then I would be able to choose which one but also I imagined  myself being able to take the best of both worlds. My imagination can be so selfish sometimes apparently. And sadly when it comes to reality what I imagine is often so far from fact.

So here I am. I think I know what I need to do. And knowing is so much worse that not knowing. Maybe because I havent been struck by lightening so dont feel like it is a for sure. I dont know why I want a punch in the face to verify each large decision. But I do. So please punch me in the face. Or just let me know if this is right. Because either way I can see people giving me sad faces and either way I have to make a choice that is so much harder than I thought. And now that I think I have an answer I am scared that I am too weak to follow through. I just know it is going to be hard. And that discomfort and lack of ease is going to hit as soon as I decide and put things into action. I just wanted an easy path this turn.

I hope that someone is waiting to catch me at the bottom of this because I am afraid I am about to walk off the ledge and realized there is nothing there.

Black Pearls, A Lace Dress, And An Apron

There is something about that combination that makes me feel sophisticated, classy, like a housewife. And perhaps that is what I was tonight. I planned and cooked and delivered that small Thanksgiving. It was awkward when it came to the words I should speak and introductions and entertainment. But that has to be expected with my personality and charm. It went well though. Everyone attended. Everyone remembered their dish. There was laughter and it all went off like a well oiled machine. And I ate. I sat there in my little flirty apron and ate a proper meal, and I felt like it was Canadian Thanksgiving like I used to have in America. It felt normal. Familiar. Something I have down to a science of some sort. A family holiday I have traditionally had on my own these last chunk of years. I suppose traditions have to be started somehow and I have come to do that on my own as I havent had a chance to live in theirs lately. It was nice though. It was a really nice evening. But there is a clear sense of relief as I take the pearls off and think of slipping into a warm shower. It went well but I am glad it's over.



So why do I feel so fulfilled and yet so empty at the same time?

The Place Where People Go To Die

Apartment twelve. It was not a place I had been before. I had never even ventured up the stairs in the past eighteenish months. I didnt know what it was like. I still havent ventured high enough for the top half of the building to exist in my mind. But this time we all wandered up. It was an open house. And why not see what these places are valued at?

We walked in and it smelled like an old lady. I am saying this only to give you the complete picture. It had the muskyness and had carpet, something foreign to our feet these days. The art was old and the place was bare but not in a pristine clean way, in an unlived way. And then we all seem to know. Someone must have died there. That was why they were selling the unit. Two floors up and possibly a ghost roaming. There are plenty of older people in our building so it wasnt a surprise. Just a thought that we chose to call realization.

Needless to say we do not feel the need to move upstairs, at least not while we plan on living. It felt like more the type of place you grow old and die.

My Sweet Home Alabama

I don't know if an event sparked it or I just found the roots the rest of my family knew about all along. Regardless, here I am standing on a train listening to an emo-pop band singing a twangy country song and I am loving it. Who doesn't want a sweet home Alabama? A song? Lets just be honest. There is something about country songs that screams home, and love and security. How can you not want to toss on a flannel and your boots and sing by a campfire? Maybe I have been in the city too long. Maybe that dose of fresh air did more than wreck havoc on my lungs. Maybe I am a little homesick for some classic Calgary cowboy life. Or maybe I just need a good dose of my siblings country music to reground me.

"I Would Sell You Out Like A Prostitute"

I am glad that people think my skills as a physiotherapist are comparable to prostitution. I mean in the fact that I should be in high demand. If only employers knew that. Actually I dont know if I mean that. I know that my peers are starting to get job offers. Plans are being made. And I am not scared that I dont have an offer yet. I am scared that I will get an offer. If someone offers me a job then I have to make a choice. I have to commit to something. And lately any form of commitment seems impossible.

I feel like I have regressed in a sense. I used to be the most noncommital person ever. I was too independent to put my name next to anything. I would do exactly as I pleased and that was that. It wasnt something up for discussion. Then I became someone that felt more of a person with someone. I craved that feeling that someone else was there. That I wasnt alone. And now I have went back. It isnt like I am alone. There are people that actually want someone like me in their life. But right now it just feels complicated and difficult. I feel complicated and difficult. I feel so out of control of so much and because of that I just want to force my will on anything else that I can. I want to feel that I am in charge of something that matters.

So here I am. Being offered out like a prostitute by those that think I should be employed, and me only finding enough energy for a small laugh. So I shall wander the five feet towards my bed and curl up in a ball as I finish my necessary tasks then will attempt to sleep at the late hour of 7pm. I suppose this is why I feel the need to non commit. Because I cant control enough in my life to fulfill my commitments. I am tired of letting people down. I am tired of having to explain that although I am young and vibrant and fit that I just do not have the energy or strength for so much these days. I just want to refind my facade that gives off the strong, "I will fight you" vibe that hides my weakness. But I will have to look for that tomorrow as I am too tired now. I cant even commit to that. Something has to change.

Just A Thing That Takes Time

But it's mine to decide when and if I'll be alright. But that's just a thing that takes time.

It feels like it has been an eternity. I have a life here. One I created for myself from nothing. Some days it  feels like this is all I know. And other days I feel like I just walked off the plane. And because of these conflicting feelings I am at a loss. And I entirely know this isnt a decision for today, or tomorrow or even probably this week. I know it needs time. But I also recognize the timeframe is shrinking. It is like watching shrink art in the oven. All of a sudden it is done and you need to pull them out. A decision will have to be made. And the truth is I have no idea what I am going to do.

I know there are pros and cons for staying and going. I know that these are both internal and external. People could make arguments for days on either end. And both options are good. I just dont know what I want and what leads to the most correct path. And maybe the uncertainty is what is getting to me. I feel like a top waiting for that stop but instead everything is just going in slow motion and  I have no control.

I didnt think growing up would be full of so much uncertainty. I thought it would feel sure and strong. But this is just a thing that will take time and I need to just wait for what happens in the in between to guide I suppose a decision that will shape the next year if not many years to come.

The Aftersmoke

Smoke fills the nostrils with each breath. Fire cannot be seen. But it has to be somewhere to cause eyes to sting this way. It is widespread. It doesn't seem to matter how far it feels you travel. It just hangs there, heavily in the air. It feels like it is foreshadowing an ominous event instead of following one. Or perhaps it is only there for me. To represent the sheer confusion and smoke in my mind as I prod fires that have long since burned out.

It doesn't seem to matter how long ago the fires burned out. I seem to always feel compelled to wander back and see if I can spark anything. I grasp at every straw, hoping it will be the one. And when it isn't I abandon I til the next compulsion.

I can rationalize it all but the truth is it never leaves me making s'mores. It just leaves me feeling even colder than I was before. I wish I could just have a sense of finality when each fire runs its course and finally fades out to nothing. But I can't. So I will probably be breathing in the smoky air for a long time.

It Took Two

My eyes shot open. It was sudden. But nothing had happened. And it was not like opening them gave me sight. The lights were off. I was supposed to be trying to sleep. I wanted to sleep. But it hit like a bolt of lightening to the face. Except nothing had occurred. Besides one simple thought process. But apparently it was enough. I felt for a moment that you could have been someone I could have been happy with. I would write could but I dont even remember the last time I saw you. And the last time we spoke was before I left and I didnt change my plans for you. And I wont ever regret that.

I had forgotten so much. Likely purposely. But somehow tonight the memories decided to pour back. I first thought of that valentines day. I think it may actually be the only valentines day I have ever had a date. I was supposed to work and last minute I didnt. So you took me to a Monster Truck Rally. And you used to make me bets on everything, but somehow either way I would end up winning without actually having to do better than you on any of the exams. Like the time you had to watch It Takes Two. You were so unimpressed but secretly loved it. And your little nieces and nephews. I forgot how much I loved your family. And your truck. And those creepy frozen mice you would chase me with, they were the worst. It all has come rushing back so fast. I used to pretend we never existed because I was so angry. You were a douche that one time and it seemed to overshadow everything else. Even though so long after we used to just sit and talk on the phone about nothing when we werent even in the same country. I truly had forgotten it all.

I cant get over that intial moment of shock as my eyes shot open. What ridiculous thoughts. There is nothing there. It was lifetimes ago. But somehow I can see that condescending look you would give me while using a nickname you so avidly stuck with. I feel confused. Our paths very likely may never cross again. So I have no comprehension as to why tonight I cant seem to sleep and you magically have set up camp in a mind so exhausted it has no will to battle you out.

It took two of us to be such a disaster back then. But the truth is it was a really great disaster. And we both needed what came after it all. Somehow I want my reaching out to grasp something. To just clear out these relentless thoughts that make no sense. And perhaps these sentences will be the enema needed to wash you out, back to wherever you have lain dormant for so long. I cant help but to miss you tonight. But I want that missing to fade if it leads to nothing. i cant have longings that are fruitless. I know far too well where that leaves me. So why my mind has found you I do not know, but I hope it unfinds you soon.

Won't You Hold Me Now,I Will Not Bend, I Will Not Break

It was so many years ago now. Your friend didn't understand why you liked me because I came off so brash. Insensitive. Sarcastic. You tried to explain that I wasn't like that. And that I was shockingly vulnerable and soft, especially when night fell and fatigue would set in. In that sense not much has changed. I mean you have now been married for years and I know nothing of your life. It was a really long time ago. The world was different then. But I suppose some things never change.

The fatigue has set in. Earlier than it should in someone my age. But this has become routine. Along with the almost constant nausea. And as much as during the day I attempt wit and a strong front, when the evening hits I want nothing more than someone to hold me now. To hold me like they realize how much I feel weak and vulnerable I feel but at the same time in the way that they know I will never break.

I think the truth is I just want someone to hold me. Someone to be there at the end of days that feel long and somehow drain every last electrolyte from within. I want that warmth and strength that only another human can provide. Something beyond the power of each living breath. Perhaps if I feigned vulnerability and softness during normal hours it would be a more natural happening, but I cant help but to save such emotions for times of weakness. So wont you hold me now.

If I Gave You My Number, Would It Still Be The Same?

I cant help but to wonder. About everything. About imaginary things. About conversations that will never happen. About people I didnt even know existed until seven seconds ago. My mind runs rampant. It is like a wild horse running through the forest, untamable by the white man. Being white is a downer hey. But this isnt about how white I am. I just cant help the thoughts.

It seems like everything throws me on a tangent. I am amazed I actually get anything done in the day because of it. I just wonder about ships. And christmas songs. And why I dont sit down and spend more time reading about dinosaurs. And why with my glasses I see so poorly when its the same prescription as my contacts. And how I can see someone dozens of times and suddenly actually see them for the first time. I get lost wondering about others futures and about the stars and how the clouds are so intriguing. I just am so distractable.

That is what it all comes down to. Perhaps I am just looking for a distraction. I dont even feel bad admitting it. I suppose I recently find myself particularly avoidant of anything that seems real. I suppose I just feel that recently my life has been one car crash after another. Basically a constant flow of pile ups. And as much as I could say I wasnt ever hurt, I entirely was. I keep thinking things might be real when they are more imaginary than the monsters in my closet. They are so temporary but somehow I see it too late. It isnt until the airbags hit that I realize my delayed reaction time. So I cant help but wonder what if I gave you my number. I dont even know if I mean this specifically or not. I cant tell. I just know that as I sat there last night re-reading my journals from my time here I had so many questions unanswered and so much love that didnt last. How different could it all have been? How much would be changed if I just was more of who I want to be? What would happen if I had just saved you from drowning, would you promise never to leave? Maybe it's time for me to start thinking less and acting more.

Maybe you dont love me but you'll grow to love me even  more.

I Know Your Sad Even Though You Say That Your Not

Those aren't the words I thought I was about to write about. I suppose the whole song has lyrics worth writing paragraphs about. I am almost certain I have previously used several lines from it before actually. So when I actually opened the page to start laying down words I was surprised at the thought process that was actually occurring in my mind.

I had thought about sending a courtesy email the past few days. I hadn't though. I suppose it was my mind preparing me to receive an email. At least it wasn't preempted by a night full of tearful and fearful dreams like it usually is. I wasn't surprised though when I found it in my inbox during one of my middle of the night wake ups. I ignored it for a few hours, til it was a wake up closer to really waking up.

The words were meaningless. Just words. Sentences. I felt nothing. They seemed insignificant. I can honestly say I don't know what was behind them. Was it venting? Or just a release? Or an attempt at connecting? You should know by now the meaning was lost on me. It was lost so long ago. I suppose an obligatory response will be required. But the truth is I want you to recognize how sad and lonely you are. I want you to see the pain you created and the mistakes you made. I want you to see it so you can go back to who you were. But that might be beyond the scope of real life. You may not admit you are sad but I know you are.

Lion Heart

I feel that is my goal. To have a heart like a lion. I want to be less calloused. More sincere. Kinder. Less judgmental.  Everyone knows I lack a filter. Thoughts become words before I even realize they are thoughts. If I had a band I would call it Lion Heart. I wish I had a band. I would play keyboard, triangle and tambourine. I just feel that lions are brave beyond belief but also so tender, loving, nurturing. It sounds incorrect but in a way I dont want to lose myself in this endeavor. I appreciate my sarcasm, ability to banter and the absurd things that I hear coming from my mouth. I enjoy shock and awe. I like forcing people to an edge creating thoughts from nothing. But deep down I want it all to be backed by a purer heart. I want to let go of the unnecessary spite and anger I so easily find dwelling in my caves. I want to be so much more. To feel more alive. To make a real difference. I want a lion heart.

A Sense of Heat I Couldn't Bare to Touch

It has begun again. It never really ended though. It had now been multiple years since I have slept through the night. I don't even know what it feels like to wake up rested. But somehow it is back to the worst sense of it all. I don't mind the nightmares if they just come, wake me, and go. At least at some point I feel like I have slept. This is back to it taking ages for me to fall asleep, regardless of how tired I am and what I take. And then it never feels like I fall asleep, ever. It is like closing my eyes but being able to open them at any time. Like I am pretending to sleep to pass the time. The time passes with unconventional dreams. It is like reality but never happy, just twisted situations. Ones where I always fail. And it is almost as if I can just open my eyes at any time and take a break from it as it isn't real sleep. But the second I close them again the scenario unpauses and it all begins again. A painful, cyclical pattern that refuses to be broken. And it is all for no reason. There is no explanation. So here I am, avoiding sleep, because being awake yet sleepy seems better than trying to force myself into a sleep that wont occur.

The Other Side Of The Frame

Outwardly I have always tended to exude more of a cool independent picture. Someone that needs no one. Strong enough to handle anything. The world at my feet. A face that can stand alone. How often do we actually let people see what is behind it all though? I dont often. Except for those few people that have seen all sides I try to keep up the picture that would sit in a frame.

The truth is I am bored of being independent and alone. I want to have someone to share these obscure new bands I find filling my ears. I want the smell of freshly baked cookies to warm someone else's insides. I want to plan my life with more than just what I think in mind. And as  much as I like to pretend I dont like dress up or attention I so badly want a wedding. I know it is all coming out because of massive insecurity and watching every person I love filling that finger with a ring and laying claim to another human. But regardless of their lives, I just want that for me. And when I see little babies and children of course I stare. I dont want a kid today. I am not that crazy. But I want a home with a fireplace and a library and a bearskin rug and a kitchen full of cookies and a backyard for future children. I want that grown up life of love. I want more than just a job that pays the  bills.

So maybe my impending interviews wont fill the void I am feeling. I wanted to believe the anxiety I have been feeling is just about trying to get a real grown up job. But I think that is wrong. I think it is because I am so incredibly scared I wont meet the one. And I know that the older I get the more I know exactly what I want which is just making it seem even  more impossible. And it makes me want to stop caring about the stupid things I think I need in a relationship but then I dont want to compromise because I refuse to be with someone that isnt right. I know divorce too well and that will not be me. So maybe I just need to try and be more patient. Or maybe I just need an arranged marriage.

This Place Has Become To Stagnant

My head isnt in the game. If this was baseball I would be the kid in the outfield looking for four leaf clovers, completely oblivious to the fact that a ball was coming hurtling toward my head. I am not sure why. I need a change.  I need something drastic and exciting. Something poorly thought out. I need to be woken up. To rise out of this complacency. I just need to get out of the boredom that has arisen in my head. Or perhaps it is just out of the fatigue that has taken over. Either way, I need something. And sooner rather than later, before I start missing opportunities. I wish Tyra would come give me a crazy makeover.

Stars: The North

Blue Vinyl. How could I resist? I am a therapeutic shopper. I have no problem admitting it. It isnt the best outlet but I suppose it could be worse. Heroin would be worse. So would binge eating. So I may not be doped up or fat but I am poor from this. Now that I think about it poor seems better than the two alternatives I first imagined. I suppose it isnt that bad. Plus I have a new record.

I am so overwhelmed by life. And as I realized that and wondered where to turn I realized that is basically why I have this. So I can write whatever I want. And I am sure in a few days I will look back and read this and think of dramatic this all is in my head. But if I dont write it now I will have nothing to look back on and laugh at my insecurity and immaturity, so here I go.

Life is knocking on my door. Or more like banging on my window while I try and sleep. It expects so much. It wants decisions made. I dont feel ready to make those decisions. I just started applying because I knew I had to get the snowball started before it all melted. So I started. I wasnt expecting in 48 hours to have heard back about three plausibilities. Maybe I will have options. Options are good. But am I ready to make a decision? Do I even know what country to be in for the next year? Does it matter what I think? Will I make a choice and then be forced to go back on my word due to outside influences? And will reality be that I end up with nothing? Maybe these are platters of false hope being served up to my naivety.  There is so little I know. And so many questions. More than I can imagine answers for. And amidst it all I realize I just feel so under the weather. I wish Mrs Minnetta was here. The I could at least go in her flying car and skip out on life for a day or two. Or was it every other friday? It has been awhile. I think the best option is to put the blue vinyl on and finish that captivating book you lent me. I shall have to peruse your library again, I am impressed.

Everything is going to be okay. I just need to get my head above water long enough to regain my breath before I get pulled under again.

My Extravagance

Patient: (detouring from my questions, flips his paper open) "I saw the craziest thing, pen of the year, $4500! Who would pay that much? My pen is $1300 now but I got it for $800, I wouldnt have paid $1300 for it, thats too much. (patient pulls out fancy pen)

Me: ( looks at pen using to write in patients chart) "I found my pen on the ground somewhere."

I didnt know people ever spent that much money on things like pens. I have my certain pens I do love, they cost less than $1.00 a piece. And sometimes I just use the pens I find. Okay, that is most of the time. How little I fit into that mans world. I cant even imagine it. 

Lately I have imagined what being grown up is like. To have my own house. To buy things like couches and bookshelves. I want to have a library. It would be full of records and books and it would have a fireplace and a grizzly bear skin rug. It would be the best room ever. As much as I will never understand paying $800 for a pen, I kinda want to reach a point where I have grown up things.

Choosing My Own Adventure Book

Perhaps it is a power struggle. Like the wolf analogy. They are battling inside but I wouldn't say this is the typical good vs evil struggle. It seems more like a here or there. Both have pros and cons. Both appear to have an army behind them. Yet neither seem to want to say its up to me. It makes me want to just move somewhere new all together. I know how to settle in and make a home for myself. And let's fade it, I like freedom. Some could call it procrastination but I would rather call it living my life. Maybe the wolves should battle each other and leave me out of it. I don't want their influence. I want to make my own choice. And I will. So spare me the dramatics of why your place is best for me. I am old and grown up and whatever choice I make will be good and that's what matters. Thank you all for caring but this isn't a choose my adventures for me sort of thing, it's a book where I will choose them and probably get turned around heaps but I am okay with that.

A Little Self Discovered Neurosis

I may be neurotic. I didn't even realize it til now. This is what happens when I have excessive public transit time and forget my book on my bedside table. It just evaded my memory at the right time. So here I am, staring at the cement that encloses this part of the busway, listening to my friend t.swift. She probably reads this so I thought I better holla at her. So as I sit and stare I find myself thinking, not about anything but about everything. When do I do this when I remember my books? I don't. At least not enough. No wonder sometimes I feel scattered. I need more quiet, alone, thinking time. And by alone I just mean alone in my head. I wish my inner monologue took vacations more often. That would simplify this all.

So back to the bus sitting. Somehow it crossed my mind that I might be neurotic. Possibly because I realized I am listening to t.swift this week because I listened to Kanye sooo much last week, including my run, so I feel an inner desire to balance it out. And somehow with their whole public drama ordeal they seem to counteract each other on my musical weigh scales. It's like how I feel guilty listening to songs that appear over represented on my iTunes. Or how I hate having to sit somewhere different. I like the same place on the bus, or at a desk or a table. I like routine. I like personal space and cannot comprehend how others feel the need to invade these beautifully ordered things. Humans are not orderly enough for me sometimes. Or maybe I am just a bit neurotic and need to learn to step away from my preciseness in some things.

58.31 With A Full Bladder

The clothes are changed. The laces are tied. The headphones are placed in. The watch is looking for a satellite to track me. It is never until a km or few has passed that I remember the important things. Like taking my inhaler or drinking water. I always get home in one piece though so it seems as if they dont matter. So I continue on. However, since this was for a time I thought I should prepare. I drank water and vitamin water and took my inhalers. I regret it. I had to pee from the starting line up until two hours later when I finally found my way home. I understand dehydration  but I definitely wont pre drink my water before future escapades.

This isnt really about bladder control. I am not sure what it is about. I think I just want to acknowledge I managed to start and finish something. This week I have been so down and out. Not in a depressed or sad way though. I just feel so out of control in regards to my health. And the deja vu of it scares me. The whole weekend has been me trying to find energy to do anything and sleeping as much as possible hopped up on painkillers. How am I supposed to be prepared for tomorrow when I cant even stay awake? I fear that I am going into this week even more tired than I would have been without a weekend. Lets hope I can sleep now and wake up early to study, or tomorrow may not bring the success I felt this morning as my feet pounded the pavement.

Swiss Army Romance

I expect rocks to be something immovable. But then who hasn't heard of rock slides? Exactly. That makes me think of the frank slide, I don't really remember anything about it to be completely honest. I just remember making a slide show about the different types of rocks and erosion and that having something to do with it. I likely only remember this because I hated that teacher. He was the creepiest person I had ever met. He may actually still hold that title. I will ponder that.

The thing here is that even the things that appear stagnant aren't. We can't always rely on things to never change. And let me admit, I am not always the biggest fan of change. I like familiarity. I do enjoy the unknown and occasionally pushing small boundaries but generally I live in the  areas clearly marked as my territory. So as I sat on this bus letting music all too reminiscent full my ears I found myself deeper in thought than usual for a post long day bus ride.

The thoughts began with the lyrics "turning to you is like falling in love when you're ten". If you aren't immediately filled with mass memories of this album I wonder if you grew up in a dark cave. This album, this man, wrote so much that has been a soundtrack to my life. To being a teenager and going to college. To growing up. And somehow listening to his words from so long ago just illuminates change. I used to think I knew what love was. I used to know everything about what made a relationship work. It included a lack of emotion and complete stubbornness. I sure was a smart kid. Those poor boys that suffered through that. But this is far less serious than that. This is about all the little things I am realizing that have changed in me and my perspective and my ability to love.

I suppose I expected what I looked for to be stagnant. To follow a pattern. To be obvious. It would be solid. I would be solid and strong. I would not falter. But the more I have lived the more I can see how my facade was only a cheap Halloween mask that proved I was weaker than imaginable . I was a rock slide waiting to happen, or maybe one happening. Both are possible. Through the dust I can't be sure.

Maybe it is all about falling in love when you're ten. Appreciating the small things. Having that friendship and the things in common to bring you together. I know this will seem petty but last night as I was enraptured by several bands and their updates and the beauty  of music I realized that it is insanely important to me to have someone that gets that. I need someone that can see how a line in a song can change so much. And how albums change lives. And I cant help but want someone that can skateboard. It is not my fault if it that is just an insanely attractive form of transportation. And I want to say these little things dont matter. But they do. I can find the big things in people, sometimes, but without the little things it all seems so irrelevant. I want that swiss army romance. One I didnt use to believe existed. I think these last few years have changed everything besides my foundation. I suppose that is all that lasts in a rock slide anyways.

Is That Too Much To Ask?

Have waters I have waded in been murkier? I am not sure. The stunning clarity contrasts the murkiness leaving me more confused than ever. It is as if for once I know where my life is going but it has never been less clear. It has me reaching into the waters trying to clear it which only makes it murkier. I dont even know where to go from here. Well I do, so that is a lie. I know the only place I will find clarity. I just dont have the schedule to be able to go in this week. Perhaps sitting outside will be enough for something. But I dont know. Something just isnt sitting right, and every time this happens it means that something unexpected is coming. And knowing that scares me. I think this isnt about to play out the way I imagined. I suppose all I can do is continue on this path until the boulder falls and crushes me which would clearly show that it was the wrong path. Or maybe I have the option of staying at this fork and straddling the paths just a little bit longer.

The reality of it all is that I am happy with either option that may be plausible. No options exist in reality, yet. But I know I will have options. I just dont want my decision to be chosen for me again. It just feels unfair thinking that the murkier water could just be my health choosing for me. I dont want to have to go back because of that. I will resent it. I want to go back on my own terms. I just hope that whatever is about to come understands that. I will go back, I will stay here. I am more than happy with either. I just want to make the choice for myself. Is that too much to ask?

Of All The Gin Joints

I wish it was a gin joint. And in black and white. That would have been dramatic. It was just a chapel though. Not dramatic. And we were in colour. Well you were in black and white mostly. But in a way when I turned and saw your handsome face it was like a movie, a really lame one no one would watch, but a movie none the less. Your timing is impeccable. Of course today would be the day I see you. The one connection on this continent to the boy I have tried so hard to forget. Thanks for the slap in the face. Just kidding. It was a warm embrace.

It is strange how fate plays its hand. Yes, I do believe in fate. I believe in something so much greater than me. I know there is a plan much grander than my thoughts of whether or not to run tomorrow. I know someone sees a picture larger than my tiny little viewfinder that only sees the little pictures one at a time when I put in the disc and click from one to another. And fate probably isnt the right word but I accept that fact and use it anyways.

So there you were. The tiny thread that somehow ties it all together. You remind me how much I miss him. It just shocked me that this weekend happened to be the one you show up after well over a year. The weekend I find myself thinking of our mutual friend. I feel like someone up there is having a chuckle over my confusion and wonder at what the heck is going on. First it is in my head, then there are humans. Next thing you know I will be knocking on your door, on the other side of the world, in a place I left a long time ago. I think I am realizing I have to go back and find real closure. Or maybe not closure, maybe I just miss a place that was my home for so long. That seems reasonable. How could I not find my mind flooded with memories when I actually see someone real that knows about anything I miss so much. Maybe this all makes more sense than I thought.

A Most Nonsensical and Lacking Coaster

It should have been a roller coaster. One full of so many highs and the accompanying lows. But it wasnt. Perhaps it was built wrong. Or perhaps it was closed for the day. That seems most likely. Entirely closed. Not even open for maintenance. Yet it was moving. Moving along the empty track. Going through the motions without any real purpose. Just following the expected track as it should. However, with its emptiness it wasnt noting each raise or dip, it was doing nothing more than moving, mechanically, almost robotic like.

Welcome to the inner workings of me today. There has been so much silence yet I didnt realize it because my inner monologue has been screaming so loud, it's deafening, constant chatter has taken over. I didnt even realize how much so until you asked what I was thinking and I realized I was gone. There should have been emotion. But it was all so misplaced. I just felt disconnected. Like I was watching a foreign movie I didnt understand, not like I was living my own life. I dont know what happened. I dont know if I just opened my eyes. Or maybe I just am still broken and cant handle simplicity. I really am unsure. All I recognize was the ease and lack of emotion. I am sorry. Maybe I just need to be alone for awhile.

Inside My Head

I often think of how clever someone must be to escape from a penetentary. What a feat. To be able to get out of something that should be secure fascinates me. I dont condone this behaviour in the sense that I dont want criminals just like chilling next to me as I drink white hot chocolate and read my zen book, but I am fascinated. This awareness of my fascination appeared as I realized how epic it would be if I could escape my own head. I am my own worst enemy. By a long shot. It is like the moment my brain gets a sense of security or plausible happiness it begins to create tiny bombs. Ones that are volatile and go off at any time.

I realized this as you crossed my mind. In a major way. I would say you have been the subject of too many of these posts but that doesnt mean you wont keep reappearing. You are like the re-aliving bug, but only in the sense that once I think I have quelled you, you reappear. It has been a really long time. Long enough that I could have gotten pregnant and had a baby, twice, with time in between. That is ages. But somehow it comes back to you. Maybe you have become my baseline. Not you when we dated. You when I left. The person I said goodbye to. I want to say you ruined me. But you have been there through everything, and no other person has. And maybe that is why. But why isnt what matters. What matters is that the moment I think I could be happy I have to compare everything to you and then I am full of answerless questions and longing and so much more. I think of the long talks and the passion and the absolute ridiculousness of it all and how it, we, are a massive train wreck. Yet this doesnt deter the thoughts. It doesnt stop me from second guessing the now. Am I still stuck on you? I thought I got over all of those feelings an exceptionally long time ago. Was I wrong? Or am I just scared? Scared that something different isnt something right. Or is reality that you created a baseline I dont want to sink under and now I have to carefully measure everything to see where it stands? I am not sure. All I know is that somehow you have invaded my brain. For no apparent reason. And it makes me wish I could escape, like a criminal busting out of prison quietly in the night.