I don't like to see collisions or be a part of it. I mean who would choose to participate in a crash? Not me. I prefer my windows to remain in one piece and for my lashes not to be whipped. And maybe this stems from seeing a traumatic accident during my youth. Regardless, the mere thought of a collision makes my eyes scrunch up and my ears want to close. And yet I feel like I am in the middle of crashes I created.
I knew this was going to be hard. I just didnt think it would be this hard. I didnt expect to have moments where it would feel like I had just walked off the plank moments too soon. I dont understand why life has to punch you in the face when you already are walking away. I suppose I deserve it. I did say that I would rather be punched in the face than given flowers. So there it was.
I dont think I want to actually be punched in the face. I just feel so defensively independent and scared. So much is changing. And I am worried that I am falling behind the eight ball. So I am colliding with myself. I am just letting all of those deep thoughts I dont say come screaming out into each other. And it is resulting in frustration. I understand why my dear patient cried today out of frustration. Wanting something and not being able to make it happen in the way you want is disheartening.
I just need to take a step back. But I dont have time to waste. So instead I just waste even more time arguing within my inner monologue. I need to just make things happen. To maximize this time. To sleep. To see what everyone else can see. I need to walk away from the collision I felt I created and hold my head up high and be proud of where I am at instead of yearning for a life that someone else lives. Today life felt hard.
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