the only reality is love.

I feel like I heard this from some ridiculous television show. Yes I must have. So it was most likely the bachelorette. Dont judge, I totally just googled it to make sure, it was definately the bachelorette. I remember hearing it and starting a post entitled "the only reality is love" because I think it is beautiful. Also, I just think it is something to consider. I love contemplating love, and its implications and its effects. It is the most heartbreaking thing sometimes, but love really is so gorgeous.

ps I feel like I am like 14 having a crush on a boy. It is ridiculous.

Chakras

So in class we studied Chakras, or energy centres in the body.
I want to clarify one thing first, I am not into the Chakras, they will not be a part of my practice and I will not likely ever mention them when I teach yoga. However, they are a part of yoga so I am informed.

However, we did a few quizzes etc and apparently I have too much energy focused on my 4th Chakra, that part that stands out about this is that in the 4th Chakra it is "how you feel about others". Yes, I definately have spent too much time dwelling in this area of my life.

Introspection never ceases to amaze me. I wonder if I will ever have a clear view of myself. Regardless, I learned one more thing about me tonight, and I think thats what is the important thing to take away.

Who am I really when I peel all the layers away?

So I have been living,eating and breathing yoga. It is so time consuming. But I love it. And the first day we were talking about who we really are once we take all of those superficial layers away. Who are you when you take away your nationality and that you are a daughter, or father, or sister, or aunt or uncle or friend. Who are you when you take away that you are in school or working? Its actually a huge question.

So each day as I meditate, which happens a lot, I contemplate this.

Who am I?

The reality of the answer can be shocking. It can be beautiful. It can be heartbreaking. But regardless of the answer, I think its important for us to know who we are so we can look at what we want to become and what we want to change and what we love. It is eye opening.

So I want to write a little of what I have concluded.

I am imaginative, nothing seems impossible in my mind. Perhaps thats why I choose animals that some people dont believe are real when asked what animal I would be if I could be any. I am broken. I am life, every day I am here is proof of this. I am love. I am delicate. I am adventure. I am losing a mental battle with myself. I am peace. I am understanding. I am full of fear. I am insecure, now more than ever.

As I sit and look at the little things that make me in detail sometimes I smile as I realize I am all the things I want to be. And sometimes I just feel sorrow as I am allowing myself to be engulfed by extrinsic factors, or even internal ones that should not dominate. But overall I think the reality of who I am is beautiful.

Breath is the life of yoga. We are our breath. So perhaps the answer to the question really is, I am my breath.

Even Baby Dinosaurs have to grow up.

Its been awhile. I think I have just felt inadequate lately. Like a little baby dinosaur. Feeling like I have a role to fill but feeling to small, and insignificant. Feeling unworthy perhaps. All feelings that really should have just been shoved to the side. But in the cloud that my life was I just let them all in, and they broke me down.

It happens. Thats life right? But I am getting back up. I dont think mentally I wanted to acknowledge anything. Physically I had stopped eating. No food appeals to me, the thought of eating makes me want to vomit. So you would think being me I would catch on. Nope. Stress killed my appetite, my ability to enjoy food, it made me anemic and dropped my hemoglobin killing all my energy. And yet I ignored it. In fact I would have kept on going most likely but then it changed.

I have known for like a week or more that for some reason I could count on you, that I needed to just be able to tell you what was up. So I did. And I was so freaking scared. And then you were basically wonderful. The best perhaps. So thanks. I feel a lot better, people are right, talking helps a ton. You were supportive and understanding and you let me talk about it, and just say what I felt and that was okay. I almost feel like the conversation isnt over, it was a little interrupted. You asked at the end what I was going to do now. I dont know. But I couldnt say that, I know I need to just grow and learn but thats hard. So I dont know. see you soon?

The point is, like a little dinosaur, sometimes we dont know what we need. We are unaware of the signs thrown in our face telling us whats up. We just dont recognize them, or dont know what they mean. And sometimes it takes someone else to help you see reality. I guess today I found someone that saw my desperate need for coping, a need I didnt see. I feel like if I was a baby dinosaur I would have evolved a little today, and thats a joyful feeling.

ps. My life is really grand, I feel like my blogging has been an outpouring of my feeling broken, but I swear I am super lucky and my life is really super awesome.

Rememberies

Yesterday was full of picture perfect moments walking through my life. I began boxing up my childhood as I went through my desk and toybox in my old room. There was so much. There were school projects, and notes, and letters, and cards and toys. And it was beautiful. I loved flipping through my photo box and all of the secret notes I had been passed over the years. Those are the things I just cant get rid of.

Then we went to Grandmas house. They live just down the country road from where I grew up. Since Dustin was with us we drove up our old driveway. As we got close meg and I just began pouring out memories of biking down that road and learning to skate and tobogganing and camping and hiding in the trees. As we got up the long winding driveway we realized that our home had been torn down and another one built in its place. It was more majestic and grand. Yet it seemed so wrong. I loved that little baby blue barn. It was a home, as homes should be.

Then we went to grandmas and were wandering the property as grandpa had made a one hole golf course. It was funny. But mostly as we walked around I remembered climbing the trees in the backyard, and learning to ride a bicycle without training wheels, and looking for treats on an Easter hunt.

Yes, yesterday was full of remembering memories. My childhood was beautiful. I hope one day I can give my future children a life full of rememberies.

Because I think everyone should own a real pair of cowboy boots..

Today I realized how stressed I have been. Things have been falling apart just as fast as they have been falling into place. And its hard. And I have been coping so poorly. I am sorry I have been tired and frustrated and short and impatient. Its just so much and so overwhelming and I let it take over.

But then tonight in a few moments I remember how it felt to be purely happy. I realized I have been so caught up in being sad or in masking sadness that I forgot to just let myself have moments where nothing else matters except the beauty of the moment.

We chatted on fb. I hate fb chat so much. But you were on and well I have not seen you in 5 years. So I had to say hello. I hope you stay in Utah an extra few days so I can see you in July and in August. I would love that. I missed you, but I didnt realize it until you came back into my life.

The beautiful surface doesnt always reflect the core of it all.

Amidst the plaid shirts and cowboy boots I found myself meeting someone new the other night. Someone I had seen before but never had a chance to actually become acquainted with. As we got talking about life and our future plans he said something and I found myself dwelling on it as I awoke this morning. He commented on things are just going so great for me, and how exciting my life is. I mean upon meeting he found out I had just graduated with my bachelors degree, am becoming a yoga instructor over the next few weeks and am moving to Australia for grad school for the next two years. Yes, it all sounds so brilliant. It made me smile on the outside as he remarked, and yet inside I was thinking of how sad and broken I have been lately. If only he knew.

So instead of allowing myself to appear broken and always let those rolling alligator tears control my adventuring I am setting them aside. They have a place and thats where they need to stay.

Life is so beautiful and I am in between the most adventurous and insane times of my life. I am about to move literally across the world to somewhere where I dont know a single person. It will be amazing. So yes, that gorgeous boy was right, life is so exciting for me right now.

PostSecret

I was recently introduced to Postsecret, as I picked it up off a coffee table in your living room. Little did I know it would be addicting and fascinating. I will admit it. I like knowing peoples secrets. It makes me feel a connection and reminds me that we all have secrets. We all have things we wish we could scream from the top of a building downtown but for some reason or another we cant. Yes, I love being apart of someones secrets, I really do. As such I find that myself thinking about my secrets dozens of times a day.

Today I realized my postsecret secret. It made me cry.

Sometimes I stop and ask myself what matters most

As I was driving home today, after a most lovely afternoon, I was realized how genuinely happy I was at that moment. I will be straightforward about this, as I tend to be. After spending time with someone there are various responses I tend to have or notice people having:

1. You are genuinely happy
2. You are glad you did it but dont plan on it again anytime soon
3. You fulfilled an obligation and are now moving on
4. You are frustrated with the time lost
5. You just feel kinda crappy

Its those people that make you genuinely happy that you need to hold as close as possible. And then I get thinking, well if someone can make me so incredibly happy regardless of whatever else may be happening then arent they someone worth fighting for? Arent they the type of person you aspire to be? In fact, they are the type of person that you would do anything to have them in your life forever.

And it has happened again. I am once again reminded why some people matter so much to me. The people that continually enrich my life and make me want to do everything possible to be a better person matter the most to me. So as I sit here replaying conversations and outings over and over again in my mind I think of how much you have changed my life. Thank you. I hope that one day I can do even a small part to enrich yours.

Also I picked up a book on a couch today that was incredible. I must purchase it. "One: How many people does it take to make a difference? - Kobi Yamada"

I would like to make a difference in the world. Daily.

Yes, today was a beautiful day full of realizing how I can be a better person and being filled with the desire to enrich someones life the way I have had mine enriched.

And once again I find Scrubs expressing my life..

"Sometimes in life when you get what you want, you end up missing what you left behind."

I think I am often like JD. Sometimes I do get exactly what I think I want but I find myself sometimes looking back and missing what I had or wondering what it would be like if I still had it. I am not the best at living in the moment, unfortunately. But I am trying.

I mean here I am, back in Calgary and finally done my undergrad. And I honestly miss being in Provo. I miss my house, and my life being around school, I miss how chill things can be there and the freedom associated with my life there. I thought I just wanted to come back and I dont think thats what I really wanted. Although, I am lucky, I am staying here, it was just a few weeks sort of thing. What I really want is grad school and that looks like its on the up and up. So hopefully once I get there I dont find myself wishing I was back on this side of the world.

As I read JD's quote today, it seemed to remind me of relationships and all of those times I have thought how much I wish I was still with someone, usually a relationship long past. I always remind myself the reasons why that didnt work out but its those days when you wish you werent alone that you find yourself longing something you know was wrong. I am sure this happens to other people and not just me, but its kinda frustrating hey. I guess you just have to look at it as a reminder of what you are really looking for in a relationship, look for the good and bad and make note of what worked and what caused issues. There is always room for improvement next time.

So those days when you see me pining for something long gone or something I chose to let go, just punch me and remind me to love where I am and the choices I have made. Because living in yesterday wont get me to the freaking rad future I have in mind.

"You are the Best"

The other week I was having a discussion about languages of love with my mother and brother. My mum was telling me how their are 5 forms:

1. Words of Affirmation
2. Quality Time
3. Gifts
4. Acts of Service
5.Physical Touch

As we talked about it I realized my brother is the type of person that likes words of Affirmation. He thrives on praise- something I had never noticed before. My little sister is the age where she is transitioning so I would say she still is affection with touch but also quality time and words of affirmation. Kaity (yes I know you will read this and be like holla) would be the first to tell you I am definately not a physical touch person. I really like Acts of service. When someone does even the smallest thing for me I get super psyched about it. Like when my roommate Lana made me a birthday cake, or when I was sent flowers for my birthday, or when Keith brought me chocolate from Berlin or Jojo gave me a cell when mine broke. I am just blown away when these things are done for me. That is for sure my language of love. I also love giving service. Although when I know the language that someone else prefers I definitely try to cater to that.

However, for the last year I have tried to get Jerry to tell me I am the best. I am not even entirely sure how this happened. It someone came up that I feel like when someone calls you the best it is basically the ultimate compliment. So he would often say things like "lauren you are the best... at choosing books." He would always finish it with something instead of just saying I was the best. For some reason this drove me crazy. Until yesterday. Yesterday he admitted that I am the best.

So I suppose we all like different aspects of each Language of Love. We generally have one we prefer but there are definately times when they all seem to be needed or wanted.

"Lauren, your legs look so cute, and shiny"

I have a little sister that says the best things ever. So I would like to devote this post to her and the incredible things she has said in the last few weeks.

"Is that legal?"

"Pants on the ground.. pants on the ground.. pants on the ground" (she sang it during dinner, out of no where)

After listening to Lady Gaga's Bad Romance "Kate love love loves basketball. Mum I love love love you."

"Put a shirt on! You gonna scar me for life!"

During dinner she got up and started tapping our heads "duck, duck duck, duck duck, duck duck, goose, goose goose goose ...haha you cant get my tail!" (I dont think she really know how to play duck duck goose...)

Last nights dinner takes the cake for the best meal with her. It began with her singing "I'm a B" then she would say "mwahahahaha now you will never find it!" and each time she put food in her mouth it was chomping noises. haha the best part was that Jerry had joined us for dinner.. that poor boy.

Yes, she is the best.

Because I love Canada So.

Happy Birthday Canada. I love you.

Perhaps America Day is lovely too, but Canada Day is just one of those days I always look forward to. Parade in the morning, then lunch, then a rodeo- with mini donuts! And its just perfect.
I love it. Of course I love anyday where I get to attend a rodeo, there is just something magestic about it. I will be the first to admit that Cowboys are the most manly men there are, I cant help but adore them. And then there is just the atmosphere, everything is just chill. Plus I get mini donuts.

I love Canada.