In The End It's The "What If's" That Matter Most

Do you ever stop and just think well "what if..." I do, all the time. About basically everything. And when you play the what if game it goes no where. It just gets you thinking about possibilities that didnt happen, or wont happen, or cant happen. its not productive. But then again, sometimes it is exactly what you need. When you stop and fantasize about what could have happened if one little thing was different. If you made one choice differently. Ultimately, I thrive on this game. It provides controversy, it makes you think, and usually you come out a better person. Not like life changing different usually. But it often makes you appreciate your decisions. Especially those ones that you had to make and really didnt have a choice about.

Or it can just give you a moment of peace with something so out there. For example, I mostly play the game with what ifs I cant control. Its as close as I can get to having control of a situation out of my control. So at the end of the day when you are letting your thoughts wander and your inner monolog take control dont stop the what ifs. Just let them happen and realize that they are important in their own way. What ifs can teach you a lot about yourself, and sometimes what you really want most.

Why Do We Even Have Beds?

I hate when its that time to go to sleep. You would think I would embrace the opportunity to rest, or just to snuggle up in my gorgeous bed with the giraffes bodies matching so perfectly with their heads on the pillows. But no, its just not my favourite. I dont like dreaming because more often than not I wake up terrified. Its usually a reoccurring theme, or spiders. Both are not ideal. And maybe its because I dont like sleeping alone. I dont do the roommate scene well either though. So where is the balance? I just dont know.

But the other night I was so tired, it literally was taking all my effort to stand. So I set my blanket out on the floor and nearly instantly passed out. I woke up 9 or 10 hours later as if time passed in the blink of an eye. That was the best sleep I have had in months. If I knew how well I would sleep on the floor I would not have bought a bed, especially one that required assembly. Last night I had spider dreams again while sleeping on my new bed, maybe tonight I will curl up on the floor again, tempting.

Because You All Thought I Was Someone New

I had a lot of things to say, and even more things to write. Mostly because I write the things I am too scared to say. But instead of doing that I will just rapidly scribble a thing or two as I sit on the grass, post being kicked out of the library.

I wore glasses yesterday and pulled my hair back. I looked in the mirror and I felt like I looked like me. I have enjoyed short hair, but finally being able to pull my hair back into a small ponytail reminded me of me. It was a feeling of pure satisfaction as I strapped up my heels and went to church. And then as person after person stared in disbelief and then uttered comments as to how they didnt even recognize me and wondered who the new girl was I was taken aback. What do you mean I look that different? Then I realized, they didnt see me the way I saw me. They didnt know me with 22 years of long hair or as the girl who has had glasses since she was 10. They were used to my pixie cut and contacts that appeared invisible. Perhaps I did look different.

Alas, it is finals time and I feel like my nerdy glasses give me an extra boost of motivation and desire to be a nerd. So they had to be broken. And well, my hair is growing, so that just seems natural. So its okay if when you see me you stop for a second and try and figure out what looks different, perhaps I look less homeless too. You can never be sure about these things. All I know is that I feel content.

ps I just booked flights to Spain and London. When did I become so spontaneous? Hopefully you are in town and will let me crash on your couch.

Florvag

Ikea has several names for their furniture that we decided would make anyone blush.

We also came to the conclusion that if guys are out to pick up chicks than they are best off to go to Ikea. Stop and think about this one for a second. You have girls, usually in pairs, picking up furniture for various reasons. They love the looking part and choosing out what they want, but when it comes to finding every single box, loading them onto a trolly thats much to small and then hauling it around, well that part sucks. So what girl doesnt want some kind boy to come and offer to get their stuff and help them wheel it around. Perfect opportunity to snag a female. Also we are very grateful to the boys who offered up their services. Its like an automatic gold star.

Ikea is the new bar for picking up chicks.

We Will Push You Off the Roof, If You Fly You Are A Witch

Let me preface this with the fact that I have been extremely blessed in being able to stay with 2 incredible humans the last week and a half.

However, this morning breakfast conversation took a startling spiral, ending with the most obscure conclusions. Somehow they asked if I was going to a convent, or if I had made voodoo dolls of them, of if I have seances, or if I turned into a werewolf during a full moon. It then turned to questions about if I could fly or if I had a cauldron to make my brews. They decided I must be a witch and the only way to find out would be to take me to the roof after uni and give me a broom and push me off. Either I would die and they would be wrong, or I would fly proving them right.

Hallelujah for their kind hearts haha. I am pretty sure half our uni class now knows and this evening they provided me with other options such as being burned at a stake or being tossed in a river with rocks tied to my legs. I am glad that I have so many awesome options.

But then I thought about people in the past who actually were killed because they were misunderstood. Can you imagine having people think you were a witch or a sorcerer and then just murdering you because they didnt understand? Maybe the world is not like that exactly right now, but it kinda is. People are constantly discriminated against for their race, or religion, or background, or appearance, or anything. Are we just like the townspeople that used to murder supposed witches? Do we make our own judgements on people based on little to no facts and then refuse to acknowledge the truth even if its screaming in our face? Do we crush people because we just are too ignorant to understand? I think we do. Most people do in some sense and I dont exclude myself from this. I know I am doing better though lately and not writing my impressions or opinions in stone. People are surprising and beautiful for the most part, so we should let them live, even the ones we think may be witches or may have a voodoo doll of us somewhere.

Burning Bridges is a Form of Suicide

Frequently lyrics express my thoughts better than my own words can. Either that or I find that they hit me more than anything profound I hear at church or uni. There is just something about music that reaches out to my inner being more than other things. Or perhaps it is just because I spend so much time listening to music that is bound to affect me more than anything else solely due to its massive presence in my life. As you can see, there are several options here.

Everytime I hear this song its that one line that sticks out. I think because it rings true. I have a skill in burning bridges. Mostly its because I feel awkward in several social situations so in order to prevent me from being in those awkward situations I feel its easier to ignore them or the people that put me in that place. This generally ends in me severing ties with lovely people just due to my own sheer awkwardness or inability to face situations. This comes about when someone has feelings for me and they are not reciprocated, or if they have very opposing views to my own and dont seem to accept mine. Or when people are overly social and its too much for me. So I end up watching myself light these bridges on fire and then stare at them as they burn.

This bridge burning is a form of isolation. It is there as a protection mechanism to prevent myself from being vulnerable. But once you burn bridges it takes ages to rebuild them, and some just dont rebuild. And then what are you left with? Just charred remains and a gap that once used to have a pathway to something better. Part of you dies a little bit when you cut everyone out. Relationships are the basis for so much. They provide you with love and comfort and support. They connect you to reality and offer fresh perspectives. So when you take those away doesnt it make sense that you are killing yourself a little? You are just taking away all of the things that build you up. If you arent building up then you are breaking down since nothing is stagnant in life.

Maybe as I am starting to light bridges up I will be able to take notice and try and choose another path of action in the future. No one needs any form of suicide in their life.

False Advertising

I am not sure that any advertising is real. There always seems to be a catch to it or some hidden angle. Or perhaps it is just straight up portraying something unrelated to the product in hopes of getting in your head and you thinking that that goodness will come upon you once you buy this product. For the most part I enjoy clever advertisements. I appreciate the humour or the creativity behind them. However, when such advertisements take my hopes, and fly away with them, and then shatter them like a child's balloon being popped, I feel otherwise.

This happened last night, and I am still a little bit irked about it. You see I decided to go for an evening run. I got myself all psyched up for it and off I went. I had predetermined that I would run 3 miles and then stop at Sev for a slurpee. I would then enjoy the slurpee as I cooled down walking the last little bit. Let me note that there have been signs up about the new flavours at Sev, which is why I was set on the idea of getting one. Epic idea, I was so stoked. So I ran and it was much better than expected. I arrived at my destination and eagerly chose my cup. I then thought of how great the lemon lime bitter and the pear something or rather would taste. Sadly the advertising tricked me. There was only bubblegum, raspberry, coke and something else crappy. However the raspberry and something else were broken. So I was left with 2 flavours I didnt want. AND none of the flavours there were even the ones advertised. Ugh. I was so distraught. So I just bought vitamin water and went home.

So I just dont really appreciate advertising like that. I mean there are plenty of other ways that the world can knock you down, but when you give me that hope of something glorious like new slurpee flavours and then not even have them, well thats just harsh. So please do not advertise glorious morsels of love and tenderness if you do not have them. Thank you.

Pterodactyl

Fact. The Pterodactyl is a reptile not a dinosaur because dinosaurs were diapsid reptiles with an upright stance or were quadrepeds with a stiff, straight legged style of walking.

For those of you who by chance have been reading these posts for ages may feel a little deja-vu. But sometimes its worth going back to good things from the past to tell about something in the present.

You didnt believe me that the pterodactyl was not classified as a dinosaur, and even if you did believe me I have no doubt we would have argued anyways. Lately it seems like these stupid arguments are what keeps me smiling. Its a few minutes when I forget about the other stresses around and I just laugh and try and think of a way to make you realize your opinion is just wrong. Ultimately we both know the argument is solely for the sake of arguing, perhaps thats why its so entertaining. So as I try and forget about the cockroach skittering about and contemplate going to sleep I cant help but wonder what stupid thing we will argue about next, if I am lucky it will just be a few hours before you stumble in and have something to say.

Regardless, pterodactyls are not dinosaurs, just like I am not invincible.

... Psych

Today I got super stoked. I had a temporary place to live, and it could be permanent if I wanted it to be. Also it was with a super rad girl from uni and the location was great. Hallelujah, things were going my way.

Oh wait, then the girl whose room I was to rent came back. Psych. I am still homeless.

I feel like it was cruel of the world to get my hopes up that I was finally going to be able to destress and have a house and just go back to normal living. Sadly the world hates me currently. Thankfully I did yoga tonight so I had reached a point of ultimate peace prior to this realization, if that had not been the case I would be ultra freaking out at this moment.

Yoga saves lives.

If the Spiders and Snakes Dont Kill You the Floods Will

Why do people say these things to me? Hello, I have arachnaphobia and am homeless. Apparently Australia is killing me. Except not killing me like the zombies on Call of Duty. Are you now sitting there questioning the gaming reference? You should not be. Let it be known that I have a fascination with video games. I dont play them often but some of them really catch my eye.

Space Invaders for example. The arcade game sits in my basement. I grew up playing it. I am not saying I am great at it by any means, but I love it. It just reminds me of my childhood. Next would be Mortal Kombat. Only because of the joy it has brought me at both the nicklecade and the laundromat. What a great game.

Getting back to the point though, Call of Duty is coming into play here as level 10 has been the level to beat independently today. No, I dont play it, I just am the spectator. But I think I am finally catching on. Perhaps I would survive a level, maybe even two if I joined in with a controller. Regardless, I am content sitting here watchingish as I flip through notes and scan websites. Possibly the contentment comes from the complete lack of stress in the air at the moment, its a truth breath of fresh air for me. Or perhaps it is coming from the fact that a door was opened to me from two gentlemen, so unexpectedly. Or because I laugh a lot here, there is just something about the humour in this house, or just about your presence, you two are hilarious.

So as much as I feel like Australia is trying to kill me, with the most massive spiders that are hanging overhead and that I have to run underneath as I cringe because I think they will eat me, or with its natural disaster destroying my home, I am still alive. So here I am, embracing your video games as I hear the rolling thunder, and contemplating how much of a pleasant surprise staying here has been. xo.

Non-Mirror Images

I had never though about how the image was translated to the person on the other side of the computer, at least not until yesterday. You had me raise a hand to figure out if it was a mirror image or not. It wasnt. I think that moment made it more real. We were both just hanging out in the places we were staying and just chatting, as if we were sitting across from each other in real life. There is something about talking to you. Dont settle though, please dont. I wish I knew the words to tell you how incredible you are. Them maybe the mere thought of settling wouldnt enter your mind. I forgot how much you changed me this summer, do you know that? Maybe you should come visit this way. Just a thought.

As much as I am loving the non mirrored images part of me feels ready to go beyond that. When I see your faces it reminds me of how real you are, and sometimes of how much I miss you. I cant imagine not being able to skype, its become so commonplace in my mind when I need to talk to someone from somewhere in America.

But then there are moments here when I realize this is my non-mirror image. My life is whats real. And lately that seems to be facing things head on. Like the 2 massive spiders hanging in webs overhead that I have to walk under to get into this place. Seriously, they need to be killed. I cannot handle it. But that is whats real. And as much as I love how real skype makes things, I cant let myself believe that I am that person trapped on the screen, that I am only in existance when it shows me online and someone elses face appearing on my screen. That is such a big part of maintaining and growing relationships, but ultimately the beauty of our non-mirror images is just a small fragment of our lives. And sometimes, its my favourite fragment.

The Chicken Coop Ate My Sandal

Today was different. But lately every single day is different. None of them go as I would expect. So maybe its becoming expected that everyday will be different, so maybe that is just becoming normal. But it was so different.

Church was ended early so we could spend the day helping people with their homes. This resulted in my first public shout out in church and everyone turning and staring at me. However, this led to a handful of men trampling through mud, chicken excrement, and sewage water to spend hours at my place. This involved moving furniture, hauling rubbish off on a boat as the road was flooded and we needed the rubbish across the road. It was amazing. I didnt think we could do anything there and yet so much was accomplished. The house is amazingly destroyed. I still feel like I am in shock. The basement was the real kicker, her room is covered in mud, the door is warped, its so bad that I cant even imagine someone ever claiming that as their bedroom again.

This day became more apparently different as a man gave me thirty dollars because he wanted to help and to him that was important. I ultra appreciated his generosity. And as I realized that the men hauling out of my house barely knew me, if they did at all. And as my flip flop broke walking through a mud and excrement filled chicken coop as I fled my house again. I was covered in mud and shoeless. Finally I looked the part, I am homeless and I look it. Bummer.

The thing is that this is kinda funny, like haha I have to laugh or else I will cry. Another few weeks and it will just be ha ha funny and I will laugh all about it. Today it is just like a bit funny because who does this happen to? I dont know. Me, I suppose. So I put on a dress tonight after a long shower so that I would not feel like I was homeless, it has worked temporarily.

... and all I got was refugee status

So as most of the whole world knows, Queensland was dominated by floods. And when I say dominated, I mean the floods totally destroyed a major area. Most of Brisbane was affected. Over 115,000 people lost power. 15 people so far have died. Over 30,000 homes flooded. Animals had to be rescued. Thousands and thousands of people had to evacuate. Domination was had.

After a very muddy journey through the old couples driveway, the chicken coop and some other yards and a broken fence I got into my house today. The front road is still majorly flooded, so its not like I just prefer the dirty back way, I just cant go any other way. I didnt have any idea what the house would be like. I am still in shock. The house was caked in thick, slimy, mud. It was everywhere. Like so much so that you were sliding as you tried to walk from room to room. Everything was coated in a muddy film. The front lawn portion not submersed into the water is covered in ruined objects, such as beds, mattresses and the like. The street has tranformed. It used to be a quaint road, now its muddy, and trashy.

Ultimately, I have no home now. I dont know why I thought I would just move back in like nothing had happened. It just shows how little I knew about floods. They ruin homes. My neighbours are going to demolish and rebuild. I will just move. This week has been unreal. I was so ready for 2011 to be my year. I was going to nail it. Somehow I dont feel like this is what I was planning. Its time for me to get my head out of this daze and back to real life. Which seems harder when I am on someone elses couch, with my things in a pile or sitting in my mud covered house. I am so over this natural disaster. I am ready to have a permanent home, be back in class and not be wondering when I will feel like life is not dominating me.

I survived the floods of 2011, and all I got was refugee status.

An Introduction to Flooding

One day I moved to Australia and found that it was raining a lot. I learned to get used to it. I even got an umbrella for Christmas and was learning to embrace the light rains. Not some much the torrential rain, that still was a pain, but I was dealing with it. I didnt even feel concern when the water on my street would flood a little and I would have to walk through yards.

The first time I had to walk directly through water near my knees to get to the house I thought it was a little ridiculous, but I laughed. The next morning it was just above my knees, still not awful. After uni was cancelled that day the water was to my waist, this time it wasnt actually that funny. It was a little bit awful. But I went in and made dinner as I figured it was best to eat instead of thinking on an empty stomach.

The next 3 hours involved a friend from school swimming across to my house, then her and I taking everything I own and putting it as high as possible. I packed 2 backpacks and then started moving furniture from the basement up. When it was time to evacuate we had our swimsuits on and then we went waist deep in the water on the driveway before we could cut through 2 yards, a broken fence, a chicken coop, some sheds and then end up on the road behind us. I was out.

The next day my 3 new housemates who had rescued me as a refugee came to see my place. We could only get to the road behind which was now flooding. The water was to the balcony by this point. Due to their kind hearts they swam to my home, filled a suitcase with some clothes, as I had like 2 outfits and pajamas, and then taped garbage bags around the suitcase and brought it back.

The tide brought the water up this morning and will again today. I dont know if anything will be safe or if all of my stuff will be ruined. It sounds like my home is likely swallowed in water. But thats okay right? Well, it has to be okay. Nothing I can do. This is a natural disaster. One that I didnt ever think I would have to get close to. I dont think I really knew anything about the reality of flooding until now.

Its insane when the places you were just a few days ago are underwater. When the man-made beach in the city is not beach to the over flowing river. When your house is actually underwater. I didnt think that much water could ever be in one place, besides the ocean. I think the next 2 years here are going to be a lot different than I originally imagined.

Now its time to wait for the water to go down, then it will be time to clean up and rebuild. But for now, all we can do is pray.

The Truman Show

"We accept the reality of the world of which we are placed"

Maybe we are clones. Maybe our lives are just the Truman Show and everyone else is sitting at home laughing as we go about living on TV. Maybe we are pawns in someones game, or robots. Maybe we are just dreaming all of the things we think are life. And maybe we are individuals struggling to make our paths as we live on earth.

But none of that matters. The actuality of existence and what we perceive as reality is insignificant because that doesnt change what we accept as reality. So what reality is does not matter at all. We are here and that is all there is to it. We come to terms with our life on earth and that we have a purpose. Some people dont look for a purpose they do as they feel and some spend their whole life searching for that purpose.

But how many people really just spend their life living? I dont. I spend it worrying and stressing and trying to please people and myself and trying to accomplish things and change the world. But in all of that stress and trying I usually miss the mark, whatever mark that is.

I want to get to a point where I can just accept my reality, accept that this is how my life is right now and just live it. So tonight I am going out to live, instead of sitting here wishing the past was not my past. Its time to live, even if my life is the Truman Show and everyone is at home watching.

"maybe because you hate yourself the universe is making so many boys like you to even it out...cancel out the hate with a whole lot of like!!! even if it makes you uncomfortable"

Maybe you are right. Maybe because I have let life punch me in the face and instead of getting up I stayed down and cried and then after hated myself for staying down and crying, something had to happen. Maybe thats why all of these nonsensical random friendings are happening. I think you put it in the best of words. Which is typical for you, you understand the things that I dont say.

Hating myself wont get me anywhere good though. Its just in the middle of that spiral downwards. You know that spiral, the one where things just start going down and then the next thing you know you have watched your life spin out of control and you have no idea how you got to that place, but you know that you hate yourself for letting it get there. But by that point you feel like there is nothing you can do to fix it. Its like its too late. So then things just keep spiraling. It is an awful cycle. One I am all too familiar with.

Why is it that as humans we tend to be so much harder on ourselves than anyone else? We can give others slack or embrace their short comings, but when it comes to ourself its like nothing will ever be good enough. I think this year I need to start loving myself a little bit more, and work on getting back out of this spiral that someone engulfed me when I was not watching.

Wishes Mean Nothing

I have a vivid imagination, I can think of something and let it run wild. And this happens often. Yet I find that I often can come up with grandious wishes and I play them out so many times that when it doesnt happen it is a let down.

For example, a few years back when a lovely boy came home from his church mission of 2 years I was so sure we would get married. I loved him so and we had been writing for so long. It seemed like that fairytale type of story. Then he came home and everything had changed, it was like wedding bells were dead. Yet I had spent those 2 years getting so psyched about it that it was such a blow when I realized that was all in my head.

As the years have passed this has happened over and over again as I have let my imagination run wild with thoughts of a moment, a night, an event, a human. Yet time after time I find myself on that fall down to reality as I realize what I had imagined was so epic compared to the truth. Dont get me wrong, the opposite happens so often to. And when what you imagine is surpassed by reality it is glorious, but thats not the point of this.

So once again I have found my incessant wishing has gotten me little. I am still here, he is still not here, and he wont ever be here. All along I think I knew that. I had just wished so hard that it would not be that way that even I started to believe that things might change. But wishes mean nothing. Everytime I wish on a star or throw a coin in a well or write my wishes down it seems like nothing changes. Because nothing does change. Change comes from action, from perseverance, from work and time. Wishing is just a way of wanting something but not being able to do it, whether it be because it is out of our hands or because we are too lazy to step up.

I think I am ready to stop allowing my wishes to take my hopes and then murder them. I am tired of realizing that what I have imagine or hoped for is really just something that will stay in my head and never become real. Maybe I am ready to live in reality a little more longterm, at least when it comes to major wishing.

Escaping Your Own Life

We both came to Australia to escape our lives. Something had happened to each of us and we needed to find ourselves. Realizing that it feels impossible to find yourself when everything around you is a reminder of the pain of reality we both fled. And somehow, one time we met. Not because of anything miraculous, we met because you were talking to a friend of mine. That didnt solidify anything, you didnt even remember my name. So I dont know how it happened but then we came back, and now we are real friends. I think once it came out how we both ended up here we realized we had something in common.

Its easy to relate to someone when you realize you are in the same boat. Just trying to find yourself and rebuild after some form of destruction. I feel lucky that we had a chance to run into each other on the path to finding ourselves.

It sucks that you are heading back to England but thats okay, I will see you soon enough right? Thanks for escaping your life when I was escaping my life.

Hoser.

I used to think you didnt know what it meant to cry. It was like you were invincible. Then one night you called me. We were best friends but we didnt talk on the phone, thats how I knew something was wrong. You were crying. I was so confused. I knew I had to work early the next morning but I told Mum and we found lifesavers and I drove into the city to find you. You lived by the ghetto house then. We went to the park and ate lifesavers and sat on the swings as you cried. Your parents were getting divorced. I still think of that night and how it took our friendship to the next level.

After that you moved a few hours south and then I moved to the states for most of the next 4 years. Summers were spent going to the zoo and movies and people watching at the mall, while school months were spent texting and sending fb messages trying to keep in touch.

The next real phone call I remember between us was a sunday. I was the one bawling this time. You knew something was wrong the second you saw I had called. Even though 6 years of friendship had happened we still didnt do phone calls. You called back and tried to console me as I told you it was my parents this time. The tables had turned.

In between all of those years we had minor cries over stupid boys or stupid things but seldom did they merit phone calls. Now I am across the world and I just wish I could be there to sit on a swing and eat lifesavers with you. But we are okay. I have texted you while crying over being so lonely and homesick and you have texted me over the hurt from a lost love. But finally I have realized how good of friends we are. I had been sitting here wishing for a way to help you, but then you went to my little sisters basketball game and sat with my mum and let it out. I know she would have loved you and said the things I wish I could say to your face.

So when you come across this I hope you realize that no matter where either of us live, I will always know that phone calls mean bad news and that its time to drop everything and settle in for a good cry. I will always know that you gave me that book that opened our eyes to relationships. I will always know that it was that stupid math class you hated back when I was in grade 11 that made us friends and I dont regret having you hate that class so much that it forced me to be your partner. I know you will be hating me for being sappy at this point but I am too far for you to punch me, so it was worth it.

ps thank goodness I am now allotted 500 texts from you! I will make use of every single one..

pps I am still sorry I had lunch with him and gave him his present instead of being at my house the day before I left.

Domination- The Word of Convention

Urban Dictionary: Domination
interjection: a word that hardly ever fails at it's purpose as an interjection.

Domination is a word that is very dear to my heart. It can be used after mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually or any other type of victory over someone. The odd thing is that I am not very competitive. I would rather have people peaceful than stressing over a victory so I dont go out of my way to crush someone. However, when it comes to domination I am all over it. As i let this word mold my introductions to a new experience I found it was able to describe most events that occurred. In life there is always someone dominating. And sometimes that just means dominating your own life. Which is the best form of it. I am so ready to dominate this year.

As I found myself thriving in that word and the world it opened I started to see my life through new eyes. Eyes non related to domination. I was in a "pod", a massive room divided into small clusters with trifolds. These pods had concentration camp style beds, which I honestly enjoyed in the end. But as this pod had over a dozen girls and was surrounded by pods of the exact same content I had such an opportunity to learn more about myself.

I learned that I will never be that girl that will spend hours and hours dolling up for something or someone. I will get ready and look nice but I will still look like me. I wont always have my hair curled and dresses fitting each curve, I will more likely have on a plaid shirt and a large belt buckle with skinny jeans and toms. I wont ever be that girl that believes in any kind of permanent cosmetic alterations, whether that be a breast augmentation or tattooed makeup or other cosmetic surgeries. I actually am really happy with how I look, if I looked different then I wouldnt look like me. And I learned that I am not that social girl that has to talk to every boy or be noticed by every person. I am the one that likes to just sit back and chill and meet people when it happens but I dont thrive in social situations. I thrive in those private conversations that happen between a few people.

So as I spent my few hours of sleep in that pod and the rest of the time was spent with the other 1500 people there I outwardly existed on domination. But inside I found so many opportunities to reflect and see who I am. At first I felt as though I would never fit in, but then I saw that I fit in perfectly with myself. And I have finally hit a point in my life where I am so happy with who I am, and I dont change who I am for other people anymore.

I think I am starting to dominate my life.

Hey Cow! COW! HEY!

We met one night because we had a mutual friend. That friend was not there so it was not that epic, well it was nice, but nothing grand. Now we are BFFs. For real. I will always be friends with you after the last few days.

Somehow we got in the same car for literally the longest roadtrip of anyones life. And it was epic. Perhaps it was when we played Hey Cow that it changed. I realized you were actually as insane as me. That night you told us a goodnight story, and the next day I wondered if we would actually hangout again since we were now in a massive place with tons of people you knew. But as the days passed I realized I would see you most of the time. From meals to dances to games to goodnight stories our friendship evolved. I miss you already. I have no one here telling me goodnight stories, I have no one here to check up on and know they re lying to me when they say they are feeling fine. Most importantly you helped me to understand the value of a certain word and a black leather outfit, halloween will be so epic.

So as a tribute to our friendship I am allowing you to dominate this blog post.