There'll Be No Value In The Strength of Walls I Have Grown

Sixth row. Close enough I could nearly touch. It was sold out in less than a minute so how I got so lucky entirely rests on the shoulders of a best friend. Of someone that gave me and my baby sister the night of our lives. The music filled my soul. Marcus has a way of doing that. It was beautiful. And magnificent. But it gave me the smallest sense of sadness. It reminded me of the reality of this week.

Time has been so occupied in my life lately I dont even remember the last time I did nothing by myself. Maybe I do. It was a hard night when I found myself lying on my floor listening to Belle and Sebastian on vinyl and crying. I could use time like that.

Today Madelyn was supposed to be born. She was the beautiful daughter of one of the most important people in my world. But Madelyn was taken back to heaven last month. So today I cant help but feel sad and wish I was in Utah now not in 3 days because I just want to try and take some of her mothers pain away.

Tomorrow is three years. Three years since my world fell apart. Three years since I began to see the light and truth and realize how little of it there had been. It makes me feel numb. I have been trying to forgive and to move on and to trust but this road has been harder for me than I ever could have imagined. Tomorrow is my least favourite day of every year.

Tomorrow is also going to be one of the greatest days of my life. I have chosen to let down some of my walls and to try and find the strength that is found through Christ. So tomorrow I go through the temple. Something I have literally sang about since I was a child. My dress for it came, but it is too big. I wish I was better at measuring myself. But I assume I will have chunky days, I always do, so maybe larger is okay. Regardless, tomorrow will be beautiful and I will not let the pain of the day darken the light I have waited my whole life to see.

And then Utah. I was scared to go back after I left. I left thinking the love of my life was there. Someone so wrong for me in every way. So I didnt go back because I didnt want to love him anymore. Of course when I finally feel ready he moves to another place for many months. But I am ready. I dont look at Utah as holding the pain that it held for my last 4 months there. It had become a place of sadness, loneliness and suffering. So I didnt look back. Now I can see it holds the people I want to be like. The woman that have taught me what love is and how to be strong. It holds the friends I will never not love. And it has Wingers. My favourite place in the whole world to eat. So I am going back.

I feel scattered. There is a lot going on in my imminent future. My world is swirling around me in a way that is in my control but only barely. I am hanging on my a thread. I need to rest. To let my mind slow down long enough to make decisions. To think. To actually see my boyfriend. To remind myself I have a boyfriend. I need to stop putting up walls and expecting them to protect me. I want to be stronger. But in a way that I can rely on God more than myself.

Power To the People, We Dont Want It, We Want Pleasure

I have never proclaimed myself to be ahead of the times or the founder of independence. I never thought I was cooler or hipper than anyone else. I have never fit into any real stereotype. But I do have a lot of opinions and sometimes I do relate to the "indie" scene extremely well.

I only knew of people like Usher in high school because my best friend at the time loved him. I listened to The Used and Senses Fail a lot that year. Her boyfriend understood. And the next year I really got into music. I was always on Purevolume, a site I thought everyone spent all of their time on. That wasnt true. I had years of listening to Waking Ashland, Matchbook Romance, The Spill Canvas and The Format on repeat. And because of this one day I became friends with the lead singer of Waking Ashland. I felt famous. We had breakfast together. After shows he would ask about specific classes I was in because we knew each other. And he was my first introduction to Kickstarter. In case you arent as indie as me Kickstarter is a website where you fund projects. You ask for x amount of money and you have 30 days to reach that goal in pledges. For each pledge you offer rewards. So for my first experience it was something like paying $25 to get the cd and a shirt when it came out. It was like preordering but it allowed the artist to fund the album independently. I thought it was novel. I loved it. So when it happened for Veronica Mars to make a movie I was obsessed and then again for Zach Braff's movie which has reached its goal and still has days to tick away. I read all the critiques I come across on this. Haters be hating. I think Kickstarter is changing the way media is created. And I love it. I really do. I am elated that for a rather minimal fee I will have a limited vinyl, a shirt, 3 art prints, the script and more. I like being a part of something, or creating art. Of feeling like a community in something that takes the power back to the people.

I think we all could stand to be a little more independent. To forgo the images that media says we should be like. To forget what people expect. And to be ourselves a lot more. I have always been a bit this way and I know it can lead to disappointment and contention and frustration, but I also know it makes me a whole heck of a lot happier when I am living for myself and not giving up control to the world. Kickstart yourself.

Like Razors They Cut Through Her Heart

The imagery is exact. The feelings understood. I dont know that my own words could describe the pain better. It is that time of year. In fact is is one week away. But this time next week I will not allow the pain to overcome, I will be in the Temple making covenants. So it may be today or it may be another day but I will allow myself to grieve and to remember because if I forget than I run the risk of making the mistakes that were made that hurt me. So I will not forget.

I am very forgetful though. Even memorable things fade. Yet somehow I cannot forget a detail of that day. I can tell you what dress I wore. Where I was when I saw I had a voicemail. That I knew something was wrong. I didnt learn anything in the third hour. I felt sick. I walked home and called. I remember trying to understand. Trying not to lose control although the tears poured. I remember hanging up and breaking down on the sidewalk. I remember the exact place I sat. The phone call I made. I remember getting into the car and being taken home. I walked in and got my keys, tried to call someone else and with no answer went to their home anyways. I remember the door opening, asking for the mother and her knowing I wasnt okay. I sat with those parents. They werent mine and their daughter who was like a sister was abroad. Yet they were the only place I could go. I remember the texts, eating, watching scrubs and crying with my soulmate. The day is carved like razors through my heart. The pain is still as aching as it was three years ago.

The days and months that followed involved a lot of tears, sleepless nights and seeking comfort. And somehow I never expected that I would still be feeling in that same position. Time is supposed to heal. So why cant it just heal? I wish I had all of the answers. But what time has taught me is that I dont. Because I dont I have learned to rely on the Lord. It has pushed me to seek more, to have a desire to enter the Temple and make covenants because I truly know that through our Saviour I can be healed. That I can overcome this and forgive and let go of my pain and anger. So even when the pain feels razor sharp and the tears sting I know that I am not alone. I will not forget but I will learn to forgive.

Nobody told her she'd lose in the first round The last fight was fixed from the start.

I've Got, I've Got To Get This All Off My Chest

This song will forever describe me and every situation of my life.

I was going to post all of the lyrics like I obsessively do but I am not going to because I have other words to say and if I post a million lyrics and all of my words even I wont be able to handle reading this. Yes I am the one reader of my own blog. I accept that.

I literally get chest pains frequently. Worsened by anxiety. Like yesterday. Some days are hard. They are hard for everyone. But lately I am struggling to sort it all out. I thought I knew everything I wanted. Now I feel conflicted. I used to know  what love is and now I question if I was wrong. What if everything I dreamed of really was just a dream? What if this life I created in my head when I compromised and came back isnt real? What if I am about to self destruct?

Let me paint this by number, with the simplicity that even a child wont understand because it wont be simple at all. If I was someone that could bluntly write every word then I wouldnt be me. I feel like I am wandering through that bog from the Princess Bride. Being swallowed up and knowing it but not able to save myself. It is like I am allowing my life to take control of me but not knowing how to change that. I want to write and say it feels like unrequited love but that would be oh so dramatic and probably significantly incorrect. But that is almost how I imagine it all. Life in my world runs on a schedule. It has to be scheduled or it may be forgotten. I am the most organized scattered person I know. Some days it amazes me that I have accomplished anything and the days I accomplish nothing leave me frustrated beyond belief. So when I cant control so much I want to throw things, literally. Sometimes it results in punches. The logic that is me screams to be released and finds such frustration when it isnt realized. Time patterns and plans make sense to me. I dont understand waiting and patience. I dont feel the need to let the stars align. I want action. I want the movie not the previews. I just want to scream and make the world run on my time but reality says that would push everything I want away. So instead I sit here trying to get it all off my chest.

I’m so sick of living my life in suspense.

I'm focused on getting my life rearranged,

and you're *** damn right my life has changed.

Here I Am Again, Running Away From The Truth

I get so in my head. Its a world that catches me the way I wish my dream catcher would catch my dreams. It is the web that doesnt want to let go. Yet I cant seem to escape myself. But somehow I always know how to run.

I can sense trouble almost as well as I can sense when squirrels are afraid. And well, once those senses go all I know is to escape. It feels easier than being vulnerable or admitting things arent perfect. And it is of course exponentially easier than thinking or discussing my feelings. I havent been stagnant for this long ever it feels like. It has been 5 months and 5 days since I boarded the plane that took my life back to here. Nothing has went as planned. Everything feels like it is falling apart constantly. I am actually amazed I am not a train wreck. I mean there are significant glimmers of perfection that are the shining glue that keep me together but I am still often overwhelmed by reality.

Lately I have been observing a lot of love or lack of. I have watched engagements unfold, relationships blossom and old ones maintain their strength. I have seen collapse and I have seen sadness. And somehow I dont know how to relate my own life to it all. My insight into the worlds I dont reside often seems remarkable but my oblivion to my own life couldnt be worse. I cant help but wonder if I am running from a truth I dont want to admit.

To Write This Down As Means To Reconcile

We write to apologize. 

We ask to look past life as it goes by.

I know you have sacrificed time, life, love, time to fly. 

Please consider all things right, 

Forgiveness will be the thing that gets us by.

I know to have something like this broken is hard to fix.

Embers, we're burning bridges down. 

Envelopes stuffed with feelings found.

To write this down as means to reconcile.

We write to patch things up, 

Maybe not to agree but to proclaim love. 

Let's look ahead and then we'll see the one whose glory never ends. 

And based on that we'll see, 

There'll be room for change, but gradually. 

I know to have something like this broken is hard to fix.

Mae explained it better than I could. 

I wanted to write something eloquent about today but I dont have those words within me. I dont think I am even writing to reconcile. I am almost writing out of obligation. I sent a birthday email. I used your name. I didnt sign it with love. I am not there yet. Having this broken is hard to fix. I dont believe we live in a world where you can have everything without sacrifice. I believe you have to work and that real relationships arent formed out of obligation. I do think I have forgiven. I just have also watched the embers burn the bridges. I have just chosen to walk away from the burning. To not let the anxiety and pain be overwhelming. So I will continue to write about all the feelings found but this is just where I am at for now. I am doing the best that I can.

I'm Just a Dog-Earred Page You Turn Back To

As we sat at the table and questions flowed so much poured through my mind. The questions were easy, I knew the answers. Only one was a stumbling block and they just moved on from it and didnt ask questions as would be proper when realizing the taboo subject of a non present parent comes up. Yet my mind was somewhere else completely. I couldnt help but think of how many other family things I had been to with you. In nearly a decade there have been a fair few. And I wondered if I was the only one that realized that. That was thinking of how long I have been around and how I continually appeared but in a non-existent role. I wondered if they knew this time it was real. I wasnt just that girl next door that actually lived ages away. That I was the one that would be at every family event for forever now. I suppose I still dont know my place. I get nervous I will say the wrong thing or not fit in in the world I so desperately want to be a part of.  So when it was like a dogs ears perking up when I realized what song was being thrown back to me as I drove last night I wondered if this was me. Was I just that person you turn back to because I have always been a marked page or am I really the only one that will matter forever now?

It didnt help when I dreamt about marriage after that. I have never been that girl to fantasize about a wedding or getting married. I knew one day it would happen but that was that. There was no other real thought process. But last night instead of dreaming of being murdered I dream that we had decided to get married and to just go for it spur of the moment and I awoke realizing I have changed more than I ever would care to admit. It feels like my whole world is hanging in the balance right now.

All I Need is a Whole Lotta You

A Rocket To The Moon broke up today. You probably dont know them. And I am not saying that because I think I only listen to music no one knows. I am saying it because I just havent ever met anyone that knew them. I am not even sure how I know them. But I actually was quite fond of them. Particularily their EP "That Old Feeling". So maybe if you are feeling a little bit like you are country emo pop punk you should listen to this.

Music feels like it is my life. Not enough of it. I obsess over music. I think in lyrics. I wish I could make other people understand how I feel but just being able to relate a song, but most of the time that doesnt work. But that is why I love music. Because it expresses what I cant. It holds memories long forgotten and it brings a joy and peace that I find hard to replace.

So I cant help but be a little cut that they are no longer. Because this one song makes me smile, it makes me want that someone and want someone to feel that way about me. It makes me want to put back on my cowboy boots and sit in the sun. It makes me want so much. And music that can make you want things is powerful.

I Can't Break If I Don't Bend

I hate this keyboard. Why am I working in an office with a ghetto keyboard that sounds like monkeys jumping on a bed with each keystroke? I dont even know. I wish I could make all of the rules in my department. I wouldnt allow them to hire slackers and I would actually enforce a dress code and I would make my employees show up for a least an honest amount of time. This isnt even what this post is supposed to be about. But as I typed the title I realize how awful this keyboard is and it brought me onto my work rant. End rant.

Most of my posts are inspired by lyrics. If you are bored this is a song worth listening to that has in fact inspired this. I am inflexible. Not in the physical way. Physically I can do the splits which apparently makes me flexible. So it is in the reality way. I do not like having to bend if I am the only one doing so. Compromise has to occur in more than one party of I become insanely stubborn. And I mean insanely. To the point where I argue things I dont care about just because I want equality and am tired of bending. I am completely aware that I am crazy.

This morning I am feeling this oncoming stubbornness. I feel like I am so willing to change all of my plans and not to put myself first  but I a may be quite alone in this. And if it keeps appearing so I will refuse to bend. I will become frustratingly inflexible because I feel like I may  be sitting on a back burner.

The world is spinning way too fast in reckless abandonment. 

I Make Plans To Watch Them Burn

I had a plan. I would come home, get healthy and go right back. I was going to stay til I could work here. The plan was well thought. Appearing to be flawless. I was wrong. I never imagined I would come back and immediately be in love, ready for a future. A future that felt cemented in my home world.

At first I was so frustrated. A relationship wasnt in the plan. I wanted to go back to Brissy. To my world of independence. I didnt come back for love. I didnt come back to grow up. So here I was. Feeling trapped at my own doing. The frustration building as nothing was going my way. So I started looking for jobs. I realized that it likely wouldnt be overly hard to leave. There were jobs abroad. I am qualified. So I mentioned it. I told my lover there were options. I expected annoyance or excuses. I received the support I didnt deserve. And then I realized I no longer had to go back. All I wanted was to feel like I was in charge. Like my decisions were my own. As thought I was free. And you allowing me that option and saying you would wait was more than I deserved.

You have been out of town since I have thought clearly enough to realize this. But when you get back I will tell you. I cant leave you to back for two months. I would rather have a life here with you than to try and create and fulfill selfish dreams there. I had a life there. And I will go back. But right now it is time for my life with you.

Maybe God really does laugh when I make plans.

And Everyone Must Breathe Until Their Dying Breath

I am dramatic sometimes. Last night wasnt one of those times. I just couldnt breathe all the time. I decided I was a 7. If I hit an 8 we were calling 911 for oxygen if I hit a 6 we wouldnt worry. It was a very long night. But ambulance free and by 9 am this morning I feel more normal.

Sometimes I forget what its like. It just happens so suddenly. It really doesnt actually. It starts out small and then after a week or two the asthma wins and the airways lose. The downer is the steroids they put me on havent started working yet but they also make it hard to sleep and make me super irritable and emotional. Why is breathing so important?

However, it did force me to take a sick day which I never do and is likely good for me. So I may not leave my bed except for necessity today. I just want to be able to take a deep breath without coughing. To just be able to fill my lungs but I know that is a few days away. I am that typical prairie born girl with the asthma and the allergies. It isnt new. It is so typical. So why does it still scare me? I think I need to be braver.

Regardless, I think I am back to my regularly scheduled ambulance free life. For now.