There'll Be No Value In The Strength of Walls I Have Grown

Sixth row. Close enough I could nearly touch. It was sold out in less than a minute so how I got so lucky entirely rests on the shoulders of a best friend. Of someone that gave me and my baby sister the night of our lives. The music filled my soul. Marcus has a way of doing that. It was beautiful. And magnificent. But it gave me the smallest sense of sadness. It reminded me of the reality of this week.

Time has been so occupied in my life lately I dont even remember the last time I did nothing by myself. Maybe I do. It was a hard night when I found myself lying on my floor listening to Belle and Sebastian on vinyl and crying. I could use time like that.

Today Madelyn was supposed to be born. She was the beautiful daughter of one of the most important people in my world. But Madelyn was taken back to heaven last month. So today I cant help but feel sad and wish I was in Utah now not in 3 days because I just want to try and take some of her mothers pain away.

Tomorrow is three years. Three years since my world fell apart. Three years since I began to see the light and truth and realize how little of it there had been. It makes me feel numb. I have been trying to forgive and to move on and to trust but this road has been harder for me than I ever could have imagined. Tomorrow is my least favourite day of every year.

Tomorrow is also going to be one of the greatest days of my life. I have chosen to let down some of my walls and to try and find the strength that is found through Christ. So tomorrow I go through the temple. Something I have literally sang about since I was a child. My dress for it came, but it is too big. I wish I was better at measuring myself. But I assume I will have chunky days, I always do, so maybe larger is okay. Regardless, tomorrow will be beautiful and I will not let the pain of the day darken the light I have waited my whole life to see.

And then Utah. I was scared to go back after I left. I left thinking the love of my life was there. Someone so wrong for me in every way. So I didnt go back because I didnt want to love him anymore. Of course when I finally feel ready he moves to another place for many months. But I am ready. I dont look at Utah as holding the pain that it held for my last 4 months there. It had become a place of sadness, loneliness and suffering. So I didnt look back. Now I can see it holds the people I want to be like. The woman that have taught me what love is and how to be strong. It holds the friends I will never not love. And it has Wingers. My favourite place in the whole world to eat. So I am going back.

I feel scattered. There is a lot going on in my imminent future. My world is swirling around me in a way that is in my control but only barely. I am hanging on my a thread. I need to rest. To let my mind slow down long enough to make decisions. To think. To actually see my boyfriend. To remind myself I have a boyfriend. I need to stop putting up walls and expecting them to protect me. I want to be stronger. But in a way that I can rely on God more than myself.