I've Got, I've Got To Get This All Off My Chest

This song will forever describe me and every situation of my life.

I was going to post all of the lyrics like I obsessively do but I am not going to because I have other words to say and if I post a million lyrics and all of my words even I wont be able to handle reading this. Yes I am the one reader of my own blog. I accept that.

I literally get chest pains frequently. Worsened by anxiety. Like yesterday. Some days are hard. They are hard for everyone. But lately I am struggling to sort it all out. I thought I knew everything I wanted. Now I feel conflicted. I used to know  what love is and now I question if I was wrong. What if everything I dreamed of really was just a dream? What if this life I created in my head when I compromised and came back isnt real? What if I am about to self destruct?

Let me paint this by number, with the simplicity that even a child wont understand because it wont be simple at all. If I was someone that could bluntly write every word then I wouldnt be me. I feel like I am wandering through that bog from the Princess Bride. Being swallowed up and knowing it but not able to save myself. It is like I am allowing my life to take control of me but not knowing how to change that. I want to write and say it feels like unrequited love but that would be oh so dramatic and probably significantly incorrect. But that is almost how I imagine it all. Life in my world runs on a schedule. It has to be scheduled or it may be forgotten. I am the most organized scattered person I know. Some days it amazes me that I have accomplished anything and the days I accomplish nothing leave me frustrated beyond belief. So when I cant control so much I want to throw things, literally. Sometimes it results in punches. The logic that is me screams to be released and finds such frustration when it isnt realized. Time patterns and plans make sense to me. I dont understand waiting and patience. I dont feel the need to let the stars align. I want action. I want the movie not the previews. I just want to scream and make the world run on my time but reality says that would push everything I want away. So instead I sit here trying to get it all off my chest.

I’m so sick of living my life in suspense.

I'm focused on getting my life rearranged,

and you're *** damn right my life has changed.