A Fork

I havent been writing on here as much lately. It is not because of a lack of thought. I just sometimes look across this page and see a lot of the past. And things are the past for a reason. I think I am trying to dwell less on the past and more on now and building a future. And sometimes I dont like seeing the reminders of history. I think I am at a fork in the road unsure of what way to go.

Colour My Life With the Chaos Of Trouble

Stagnancy is unproductive, it accomplishes nothing. So the second that life starts getting mundane and days become the same I start looking for changes. I look for something to bring me excitement, to get my heart racing. I am at that point. I like the idea of not going to uni all week but at the same time it is not scheduled. It is open. It has too much time that is disorganized and that leaves me unsettled. I like consistency. Of knowing what each day holds and then trying to add to that. I am at that point. Days feel the same.

And today was the same as any other.

I need change. It is as if I crave some short of chaos. Something to make me work and think but also to add thrill. I want my life to be coloured with the chaos of trouble, as long as it is trouble I can handle.

An Organ

I like organs. Like the ones inside people. I didnt mind going into cadavar labs during my undergrad because I got to see and work with organs. I always liked holding the heart. I know how the heart works. I understand it. I know issues and drugs used to treat such issues in the heart. But when it comes to emotional things I know so little about this organ.

I do not understand why people feel certain ways or the varying degrees of caring. I do not find logic in the workings of the heart and I find it extremely frustrating. I appreciate logic. I like things to make sense. Ergo I really am not a fan of most of the things my heart thinks and seems to decide. I would much rather just have it make sense.

I realize that I fixate. That I care too much and dont like letting go. That my heart doesnt seem to listen to my head and that leads to explicit heartache every time, so it makes no sense that my heart keeps putting me in such positions. I hate all of the feelings my heart has in relationship senses. It always just seems to make me think that there is nothing better than things that didnt work out in the past. Which makes no sense. I try and live right now but my heart doesnt understand that much at all.

The heart is an essential organ that is required for life and I am fascinated by in anatomically and in all scientific ways it seems. However, I think it is the dumbest organ.

The Discovery of T-Rex Arms

Sometimes when someone throws cake at your head it bounces. Sometimes when someone smooshes cake into your face it sticks. This is only a problem if you apparently have T-Rex arms.

Tonight I learned that my arms may be average for my size but when being faced off with a hand each of cake they are not long enough. The result was a cake full of face and possibly one of the best nights of my life. Tonight I had a chance to celebrate being here for a full year with three girls that have made the last year fabulous.

I had a most proper barbeque that was perfect in every way. It had chips and dip and chicken wings and sausages and was in a park. And possibly the best part was the amazing sucker in the cake.

The night made me feel overly loved and left me with a shower that smelled like chocolate cake. I wish my arms were longer for cake fights.

One Yearverrsary

One time I got off a plane and realized I was in a different country and that I lived there and that maybe I was in the wrong place because I couldnt see any kangaroos. That one time was one year ago today. Which is a really long time but it seems like it just barely happened.

The last year has been a rollercoaster, not just emotionally but in every way. I have been challenged physically, mentally and I have grown more in the last year than ever before. I have come to learn a much more total form of independence and come to recognize what things are most important to me. I have loved and lost and learned more about who I am and who I want to be. The last year has molded me a lot. And I feel excessively blessed to have had this opportunity.

Due to the excitement I felt with being here for a year and being halfway done my program I was pumped for my class tonight. I baked them cupcakes and scripted a class that varied more from my norm than ever before. It went over exceptionally well. So well that all of the people loved me and then crowned me the Queen of Australia. I am pumped to be ruling this land. It is gonna rock.

Okay I am not the queen. I lied about that part. But I imagined it happening and it was awesome. I am really happy with who I am and where I am at in life.

Three Six Four

That would be one day less than three six five. Which is a lot of days. I havent been counting them and didnt realize it was so many until today. And when I look at that number I feel like it is really a lot of days. I would say something crazy like how many seconds that would be but I already come across super nerdy so I wont magnify that unnecessarily.

With that many days it sometimes makes things seem not real. Like parts of the past are really just things I imagined up. Sometimes that is probably the case. I imagine a lot and sometimes do it so indepthly I start to wonder if it could be real. It was real and odd and full of bad timing. And for some reason a full three six four later and you are still the person I confide so much in.

I cant really imagine what it was like to be with you, it just seems so long ago. But then part of me does sort of remember it. I remember the ice castles, and that lake, and that rock, and a lot of things. Part of me wishes I could say that it is all just history but  there is that little nagging part of me that says I cant categorize you under past.

I really miss you. Three six four days is a long time to not see someone.

My Life Has Become A Boring Pop Song and Everyone's Singing Along

Blah Blah Blah.. this feels drab lately. Possibly because I am in a rut. It's still the middle of exam period which limits my ability to be outside of a rut. My days are basically 8am library, home for lunch and a check in my the little one and then off to work. Dinner and possibly the gym after work then either bed or library again. This is routine. It is only a few more days. I need to find motivation again. Regardless, that is only half of it. The other half is I am still in that post break up rut. I should be over it. But tonight I realized I am not. I dont know why. Maybe it is because I see him constantly and he has to come across so perfect, tanned, in shape, top grades everytime, everyones friend. Its soo much. It makes me insecure and feel irrelevant. As if I was never a part of that world.  And this is why I am in a rut.

I dont even know what to write.  I will be rutted til wednesday. Although exams ending doesnt fix things. I would be lying if I said it did. I need to fix things. I need to find out why I really feel insecure and inadequate and deal with that. I cant blame him. I know its me. I wont mistake you for problems with me.

I need to fix this.

Mix Tape

I am a sucker for music, I just cannot help it. Therefore I am a sucker for mix tapes. I refound one the other night. An epic cd from a dear friend. The mix involves love songs by mostly indie bands and is overly amazing. In my relistening of this mix over and over again I realized something.

As much as I try and be independent and strong and act like I dont need people that isnt always the case. I like mix cds and feeling like a boy is trying to woo me. Like I am not forcing him to talk to me and that he is putting in some effort to impress me. I like trying new things and giggling because I cant help it. I am a hopeless romantic, or probably just hopelessly hopeful.

Nobody Plans to Be Half A World Away At Times Like These

I know that I live far away. And that is my fault. But usually that does not matter. Technology bridges gaps. And on days that are less than ideal those bridges are well trod.

Today was one of those days. A day when I wanted a bridge. I felt overwhelmed and unsure and frustrated. It felt like the fruits of my labours were non existant and it seemed unfair. I know these feelings pass, but in the moment they are very real, and sometimes difficult. So I just wanted to hear your loving motherly words.

But you are away and not reachable. So as I stepped off the train I found myself whipping the forming tears from my eyes and taking deep breaths. I had to pull it together before I walked into work. I had to remember that you cant change the past and all you can do is move forward.

I feel like my hopes and dreams are so large and sometimes that makes them seem unattainable, especially when things go awry. I really just want to succeed and in that to change lives and be happy. I hate that it is so difficult to accomplish that.

Today it felt like we were more than half a world apart and I really just wanted you to be there. I needed you. But you couldnt have known how much would go on in my head at this time, you dont plan to be half a world away on days like this. Its not your fault. I just feel insignificant and alone.

Hop A Plane

It feels like I am being unreasonable or dramatic. But if you knew the ins and outs and all of the inner workings and expectations in this well oiled machine you would understand. We always talk on Sundays. It is just one of the few days when the time difference allots us both being home at normal hours. Also it is one of the few times when I dont feel rushed to say everything while in a form of transit. And if we dont talk every few days you think something is wrong. Growing up if I didnt keep in touch you would have my head. You worry. So I learned. I learned that even though checking in and updates seemed irrelevant to me, they mean the world to you. So I changed.

So when I got a skype call of the little one being lonely I was confused. You forgot to tell me you actually were going on a cruise, and that you left. You had mentioned it was an option but that is all that it was. I wasnt prepared. I had so many things to say. I get that it is only ten days. But it is the most stressful ten days of the semester in a sense as it is finals for me. And more than that I have had so much on my mind and I worry a lot. So when you left and didnt call me first it cut. It was like your own rules meant nothing when they applied to you.

I really do hope your cruise is epic. But I wont lie, I am sad that you left and forgot to tell me. It makes me feel, well, forgotten. More importantly the little one is hurting still, so much. So my heart breaks that I am not there for her. I will rearrange anything this week to ensure that she feels loved. Even when that means lost study time or missing something. She needs to know that distance means little and I still love her more than anything.

It is dramatic but this is what I imagine you dying being like, except this isnt bad. But that instant feeling of you being gone and be not knowing and not being there and feeling lost and empty and alone and sad is what I imagine it being like. I dont really like that feeling much. I know that we grow up and move out but you never have really let go so I just dont understand how you forgot me. I am sure it wont be a big deal to you when I mention it, and you wont realize it made me cry. I just worry and feel like I have so much to say to you and you arent there. I hate that feeling. I just want the next ten days to be over and for you to be back and for me to hit the halfway point, a point where I can finally breathe again. Be safe. Please.

Patterns of Disconnect

I think I have wandered into a state of introspection in an attempt to prolong my procrastination. The pressure just isnt enough yet to force me away from literature, whether it be what I write or what I am reading. So here I am. Sitting in front of my computer on a saturday night introspecting. I have realized a few tendencies I have, and not in one those "I am so awesome ways".

I tend to form false relationships. Ones that are real through technology but disconnected in reality. It is easy for me to fb someone or send a text but when put in a face to face I immediately retract and withdraw. I think this is why I shy away from online dating, dont get me wrong I think about whether I should join those sites far too often. I just look back and see the boys in high school and college and even people I meet here and realize that there is nothing beyond oversharing through technology. There isnt commonality. There isnt something deeper. I dont really know how I get in these situations to be honest. I think its because when I get bored I really like male attention. That probably isnt a great thing but it is true and I dont mind admitting it.

I am going to try and be more real. I think that would be good for me.

The Future Freaks Me Out

 "We fail to represent, we fail to be content, we fail at everything we ever even try to attempt, and so the story goes"

Its hitting that point. I have to start thinking about my future. And the thought of it freaks me out excessively. In a week and a half I will have been here for a year, and will also be halfway done my program. That means one more year. One more year and I will be graduated. This time for good. There will be no other program to jump into to prolong planning my future. I actually will have to make decisions.

So here is the thing. I always just get up and leave temporarily. I cant seem to make extended plans or to really allow myself to settle. I look at things in a timeframe not infinitely. So making a decision as to where I want to settle down and set up a career scares me. I have left a lot of times, and probably burned bridges in all of my leaving. It scares me to think that I have to establish myself and that it feels like no matter where I do that someone will be hurt. Growing up freaks me out.

R2D2 Swimsuits

Sometimes you converse with people and it doesnt stick. I am the worst for that. I swear I am trying to listen and absorb but sometimes I just cant. I have the hardest time remembering names and specifics. I am not a verbal learner. I know that. I dont learn well in lectures or by reading. I learn by writing and doing. If I wrote down everything someone said during a conversation I would remember it better. But you cant really do that when meeting people.

However, sometimes people say things that captivate me. Like the conversation about the specifics involved with R2D2 swimsuits and their trademark legalities. It was overly fascinating. So much so I randomly thought about it while buying groceries the other day. It just reminded me that I really like conversing with people that make me think and fascinate me. It is much better than the drab, mundane conversations that happen so easily.

Sometimes I wonder why people are so superficial. But I know why. Its because either they dont care or they are doing it as a defense mechanism. Once you let people in they have the ability to hurt you. Maybe that is why when a conversation really grabs my attention I take notice. Although I will admit that sometimes I wish I was more superficial. Sometimes I regret saying out loud so much about what goes on in my head, but then I usually think about all the things I dont say and know it balances in the grand scheme. I wish I had an R2D2 swimsuit.