Although the warning has been issued I will reissue, this may not be verbally pleasing.
I am known for my rough exterior often asking if people want to fight, this is a mask hiding my weak and terrified self. So how these things haunt my dreams I am unsure. But I have heard that writing dreams can help so here I am. You will be reading one of three distinct visual hauntings last night. I am sure it will take you three seconds and will seem minimally frightening so I will personally guarantee that it felt like a lifetime of terror.
There I was. Trapped. With two other humans. Looking back I am unsure of who they were. One was a friend and one was a foe. That much was clear. One had a look of anger, no more than that, it was a look of pure evil. We were going to be killed. Somehow he had the other person trapped and I was near a corner of two walls, a door was on the opposing side of the room. He had me trapped and had hold of a wrist. I was on the floor. I had no escape. I was wild with fear. So much fear I was nearly paralyzed. Then somehow I got ahold of scissors. They had an orange handle. Then it was as if the world froze and I knew what I had to do. I didnt want to. But I wanted to die at his hands less. So I took the scissors and will all of my force stabbed them into his hand. And then over and over again on his arm. I remember blood everywhere. And then he had a knife. He began slashing my right arm. Massive gouges. And then somehow I got out. The next thing I knew I had a white bandage covering my arm and a sweater with midlength sleeves was on. I had to get to class. I was late. And I didnt have notes. I sat with a dear friend. Then she offered to take notes for me since I apparently wasnt focused. Somehow I showed her the bandage. It was like reliving the horror.
Soon after I awoke. Frantically feeling my arm for blood. It was fine. I was fine. I was in my bed, in my apartment. I was safe. None of it was real. And yet I still felt fear and horror with it all. And then I restlessly slept the next few hours, like I do every hour when I close my eyes and pretend to be restful as my body craves it. It just never really comes. I dont think dreaming like this. I cant even imagine what a nice dream would be like. Now I can say I have wrote down a dream and it doesnt make any more sense. Except the orange handled scissors because Winston on New Girl brought Jess his good scissors to fix a robot she broke and I rewatched that episode lately. That is all that makes sense. The rest is just graphic and unpleasing.
30 April 2012
28 April 2012
Like a Stupid Fish Wanting to Die
I am not a fisher. My deep set memories of fishing involved being young and at a cabin and crouched at the end of a pier with a net attempting to catch minnows and being slightly afraid I would because it would be slimy and squirmy and I wouldnt know what to do. Fishing is not an expertise of mine. Although I do wonder what the fish are thinking when they go to the bait. Do they just not see the string? Have they never seen another fish take the bait and then be reeled up and then killed? And havent they had a near death experience before that should make them more wary? How can they not see it coming!
I have wondered this. Until I realized that as humans we are just as blind and retarded. And by humans I mean me, and probably other people. It is like I am a stupid fish wanting to die just going for the bait. In my case the bait is another human. One that knows exactly how to get my attention and to take it away. One that will lay the bait and wait and watch as I come out of the dark towards it and then kill me. Okay that isnt true. Probably most of that isnt even remotely close to truth. It just comes out. Often words just come out that are basically imaginary.
The only real semblance of my fish analogy is that I feel like I am just being blinded and even though I have past experience and have seen other fish die I still cant help myself from taking the bait and caring a little bit. Maybe it is less like bait and more like kryptonite. Can another person really be kryptonite and actually be able to cause weakness that seems impossible to withstand? I think maybe, and not like a "call me maybe" maybe, just a normal maybe.
I have wondered this. Until I realized that as humans we are just as blind and retarded. And by humans I mean me, and probably other people. It is like I am a stupid fish wanting to die just going for the bait. In my case the bait is another human. One that knows exactly how to get my attention and to take it away. One that will lay the bait and wait and watch as I come out of the dark towards it and then kill me. Okay that isnt true. Probably most of that isnt even remotely close to truth. It just comes out. Often words just come out that are basically imaginary.
The only real semblance of my fish analogy is that I feel like I am just being blinded and even though I have past experience and have seen other fish die I still cant help myself from taking the bait and caring a little bit. Maybe it is less like bait and more like kryptonite. Can another person really be kryptonite and actually be able to cause weakness that seems impossible to withstand? I think maybe, and not like a "call me maybe" maybe, just a normal maybe.
This is Not A Love Story
There once was a boy. And there was a girl. But this is not a love story. This is just a story.
It was different and sporadic. Perhaps a friendship based on a previous relationship or perhaps it was something undefinable in between. Regardless, it was to be envied. The boy was ridiculous. One that you wouldnt find most places and generally wouldnt understand, mostly due to his hipster and douche like qualities. However there was a girl. One that was weird and independent and possibly a fighter. And somehow this all was irrelevant. Years had worn down the independent facade and the douche like arrogance and it was just a boy and a girl. Due to this breaking down there became a place, it was like the secret grove but it wasnt an actual place. It was just a mutual meeting of respect and bare honesty.
Perhaps it is because of the bareness and the exactness of the truth that it was different. Or it could have been because it represented something unattainable. Either way, it became something to look forwards too in a thriving way. The place wasnt often met at. It was only sporadic. Yet it always happened on days where life had battered the girl and the boy didnt know. And possibly that led to the attraction. Or possibly it was because the bareness had led him to be the only person that knew the girl. And speculation assumes that there was something about the brutal honesty and deep thought that led the boy back to that place. And in that grove of secret sharing it was like real time and geographics didnt exist. All that existed was the words passed between the two.
But this is not a love story. This is just a story. And it doesnt have an end. So it is a crappy story. It just has a boy and girl and no resolution. Only a sort of strange peace that lingers knowing that girl isnt alone in the darkness that isnt spoken.
It was different and sporadic. Perhaps a friendship based on a previous relationship or perhaps it was something undefinable in between. Regardless, it was to be envied. The boy was ridiculous. One that you wouldnt find most places and generally wouldnt understand, mostly due to his hipster and douche like qualities. However there was a girl. One that was weird and independent and possibly a fighter. And somehow this all was irrelevant. Years had worn down the independent facade and the douche like arrogance and it was just a boy and a girl. Due to this breaking down there became a place, it was like the secret grove but it wasnt an actual place. It was just a mutual meeting of respect and bare honesty.
Perhaps it is because of the bareness and the exactness of the truth that it was different. Or it could have been because it represented something unattainable. Either way, it became something to look forwards too in a thriving way. The place wasnt often met at. It was only sporadic. Yet it always happened on days where life had battered the girl and the boy didnt know. And possibly that led to the attraction. Or possibly it was because the bareness had led him to be the only person that knew the girl. And speculation assumes that there was something about the brutal honesty and deep thought that led the boy back to that place. And in that grove of secret sharing it was like real time and geographics didnt exist. All that existed was the words passed between the two.
But this is not a love story. This is just a story. And it doesnt have an end. So it is a crappy story. It just has a boy and girl and no resolution. Only a sort of strange peace that lingers knowing that girl isnt alone in the darkness that isnt spoken.
27 April 2012
The What If's pt 2
I know it has been wrote by myself before but as of yet I dont have a better title and I need to write this. So we are back to it.
In the end it's the what if's that matter most.
I was reminded today that something doesnt have to happen to be life altering. The actual thought of a what if can be enough. I am not sure where to start, I know my mother would say at the begininning but where that is I dont even know. Probably it was when I made a routine call phone, like ET I often make that call just to keep in touch. And then there was german words and normal words and then it was supposed I had called about her. I didnt know what was happening. And it was awkward. And then I heard about the ambulance and the hospital and details were scarce. I hung up and tried a cellphone with no response. So I did the only thing I could. I knelt down and prayed and cried. It was in the top three, probably two, times that I have ever felt that much sorrow and pain.
Reality came to light an hour later after I was dehydrated from so many tears pouring out. She would be okay. She was okay. They figured it out and oddly it was something I am trained to treat. I would be the person she would see if I was there. But I am not. And that hurts so incredibly much.
The point of it all was that I felt like I would never forgive myself for not being there. And then I realized I cant stay here forever or even for a really long time past necessity. I need to go back. The mere thought of losing the person that has given me the most in my life, with the only possible exception being my mother, hurt more than anything I could imagine.
I am allergic to emotions so I cant really describe it all in words but the literal what if of losing someone that monumental crushed everything I am. I am going to read everything I can on treatments and will do everything possible to make her proud and to solve it all but more than that I feel ever so grateful for another day. For another chance to say I love you and to know that God hears my prayers. I need to step up, this what if has reminded me of how short life is and how close we all are to the reality of mortality. I need to start making more things count.
I love you.
In the end it's the what if's that matter most.
I was reminded today that something doesnt have to happen to be life altering. The actual thought of a what if can be enough. I am not sure where to start, I know my mother would say at the begininning but where that is I dont even know. Probably it was when I made a routine call phone, like ET I often make that call just to keep in touch. And then there was german words and normal words and then it was supposed I had called about her. I didnt know what was happening. And it was awkward. And then I heard about the ambulance and the hospital and details were scarce. I hung up and tried a cellphone with no response. So I did the only thing I could. I knelt down and prayed and cried. It was in the top three, probably two, times that I have ever felt that much sorrow and pain.
Reality came to light an hour later after I was dehydrated from so many tears pouring out. She would be okay. She was okay. They figured it out and oddly it was something I am trained to treat. I would be the person she would see if I was there. But I am not. And that hurts so incredibly much.
The point of it all was that I felt like I would never forgive myself for not being there. And then I realized I cant stay here forever or even for a really long time past necessity. I need to go back. The mere thought of losing the person that has given me the most in my life, with the only possible exception being my mother, hurt more than anything I could imagine.
I am allergic to emotions so I cant really describe it all in words but the literal what if of losing someone that monumental crushed everything I am. I am going to read everything I can on treatments and will do everything possible to make her proud and to solve it all but more than that I feel ever so grateful for another day. For another chance to say I love you and to know that God hears my prayers. I need to step up, this what if has reminded me of how short life is and how close we all are to the reality of mortality. I need to start making more things count.
I love you.
23 April 2012
Misalignment
We have thoughts. And perceptions. And needs. And wants. And somehow all of these things dont always collide and intertwine. It is like when you analyze data and are looking for correlations and then see none and realize that the thought process and time might be in vain in a sense, only the sense that it hasnt produced the desired result and that the results may not be statistically significant. I think I am sensing this misalignment in my own life and it is causing tension maybe of the contention variety.
I think I have recognized wants and desires and felt overcome by them and then not realized the needs that exist and the fact that they may not be part of the same trail, at least not in the beginning. I have a tendency to have an idea and then to want to blindly follow it until the next brilliant thing pops into my mind, however when I allow that to come into play I sometimes overlook the necessities that require attention before the need.
It might be time to step off the path. To breathe and to take time for some self healing and reflection. I have been devoting time so many ventures, mostly lovely ones that are putting me on paths for growth and financial means, however I have been keeping preoccupied. I have chosen the ventures that are least painful in the other senses. I focus on knowledge and finances instead of emotion and healing. I think I might need to make some changes to realign myself. It is probably time to stop expecting the chips to fall into the places I want them. They will fall where they fall and I should accept that and begin working on moving them into place. I am terrified of uncluttering my life and seeing what I have left in the shadows. But I think it is time to start that process.
I think I have recognized wants and desires and felt overcome by them and then not realized the needs that exist and the fact that they may not be part of the same trail, at least not in the beginning. I have a tendency to have an idea and then to want to blindly follow it until the next brilliant thing pops into my mind, however when I allow that to come into play I sometimes overlook the necessities that require attention before the need.
It might be time to step off the path. To breathe and to take time for some self healing and reflection. I have been devoting time so many ventures, mostly lovely ones that are putting me on paths for growth and financial means, however I have been keeping preoccupied. I have chosen the ventures that are least painful in the other senses. I focus on knowledge and finances instead of emotion and healing. I think I might need to make some changes to realign myself. It is probably time to stop expecting the chips to fall into the places I want them. They will fall where they fall and I should accept that and begin working on moving them into place. I am terrified of uncluttering my life and seeing what I have left in the shadows. But I think it is time to start that process.
22 April 2012
Silence Can Mean the Unknown, Thats Why I Have Headphones
I surprise myself with my quietness sometimes, but it is usually just a quietness inside. I feel uncomfortable in true silence unless it is nature silence which is calming to my soul. But when I am in a crowded place or a place that is not engaged in conversation and even some that are I crave music. I feel alone and naked without it. It is as if my mind requires the calming relief of the sounds to drown out its static. I think it is because my mind gets going and overwhelms me and it leads to thoughts of the unknown and the future and it is frightening. I like knowing. I like things to be precise and clearcut and simple. I like logic and answers. I do not like muddied waters or forks in the road that do not have clear signs and maps with them.
Lately the unknown has been nagging louder than normal. It is trying to drown out my crappy headphones since I broke my nice ones yet again, or maybe they broke themselves, I think that is what happened. Regardless, I feel like the unknown is taking over the known and leaving me unsettled. The things I used to think I knew appear to be misled or disappearing and it leaves me confused. I just want the static of my concerns to be drowned out by specific music of my choice and for things to just continue on the relatively unmoveable path of the next seven months. After that I accept the unknown but for tonight I just want to drown in the music and not have nightmares and not to feel my mind reaching at foreign possibilities and reminding me of inadequacy.
Music may exist just to try and save my mind from itself.
Because Life's too Short to Hold a Grudge For Time
It is one of those inexplicable things I cant help. I just dont like to see neglect. So when I look at my top 25 most played songs and see overrepresented bands I then dont listen to them for months, even if I want to. Which is entirely ridiculous. I mean the fact that I may love them that much should be good and should not lead to punishment. The whole thing is illogical. I just feel bad for the songs that get overlooked because I fall into traps set by lyrics meant to steal my thoughts and draw me in to a grasp I will barely ever escape. So I am trying to break that. But I am a bit OCD and so I feel like it will be difficult to break as it is a pit I have been trapped in with no visible ladder for quite some time.
So here I am. Listening to the beloved album "Broken Summer" quite possibly the album that will most touch my entire life. And I cant help but remember high school and boys and growing up and sleepless nights and pain and emo days and growing and feeling not alone when I listened to these songs. And somehow it brings a sad peace. The music recognizes loss and hurt and somehow acknowledges it and reminds you it's okay but in the remembering it leaves a soft sting. Lyrics are lingering as if they cant leave until I get the message, like a clue waiting for the right person to interpret it.
I want to try. I feel the pleading. I know grudges are not meant to be held and that the grudge is a creepy movie I will never watch again. But I am so jaded and I do feel like bad times seem to last and I know I need to change this and I am about to quote this whole song because it is screaming at me in its soft way. I wish rearranging was easier and that I could just forgive everything. But somehow it just seems too soon. I will try and everytime I bless my ears with this sweet melody I will be reminded to be less jaded but I think this is one grudge that will need more healing. So I will close my eyes and move on to the next song of the album and wish upon a star glowing on my ceiling that one day I will meet a boy that will sing this to me. Because even though it is a bit sad it is so loving and tender and it brings a swirl of the reality of love and pain and life and everything you could want.
So much of the last decade has been defined by this album and I could go on for every song but I feel like I would bore my one reader/I would probably get really emotional and awkward. The thing is this album still understands me better than most people and I think I will never stop listening to it again even though it is overwhelming my top 25.
Would my time have been wasted had this not occurred. // Taking in deep breaths I'm too numb inside.
So here I am. Listening to the beloved album "Broken Summer" quite possibly the album that will most touch my entire life. And I cant help but remember high school and boys and growing up and sleepless nights and pain and emo days and growing and feeling not alone when I listened to these songs. And somehow it brings a sad peace. The music recognizes loss and hurt and somehow acknowledges it and reminds you it's okay but in the remembering it leaves a soft sting. Lyrics are lingering as if they cant leave until I get the message, like a clue waiting for the right person to interpret it.
I want to try. I feel the pleading. I know grudges are not meant to be held and that the grudge is a creepy movie I will never watch again. But I am so jaded and I do feel like bad times seem to last and I know I need to change this and I am about to quote this whole song because it is screaming at me in its soft way. I wish rearranging was easier and that I could just forgive everything. But somehow it just seems too soon. I will try and everytime I bless my ears with this sweet melody I will be reminded to be less jaded but I think this is one grudge that will need more healing. So I will close my eyes and move on to the next song of the album and wish upon a star glowing on my ceiling that one day I will meet a boy that will sing this to me. Because even though it is a bit sad it is so loving and tender and it brings a swirl of the reality of love and pain and life and everything you could want.
So much of the last decade has been defined by this album and I could go on for every song but I feel like I would bore my one reader/I would probably get really emotional and awkward. The thing is this album still understands me better than most people and I think I will never stop listening to it again even though it is overwhelming my top 25.
Would my time have been wasted had this not occurred. // Taking in deep breaths I'm too numb inside.
It's Not Like A Movie, It's Not All Skin and Bones
"If you could see me, whoever I am."
The keys were in hand. The door merely a step away. The key just needed to be placed in the lock, turned the door pushed open, another few steps taken, another key used and another door pushed open. Yet a pause occurred. A reflection was seen. And all of a sudden a chain of mental processes began. And it was like lightning striking in my brain.
I think I am just whoever I am these days. I am not really concerned with outside influences or opinions. I just feel comfortable in my skin. Yet that is not just it. I dont feel like I am just anatomically existing. I am more than my bones. I am recognizing my substance and am proud to be where I am at and who I am. And it feels amazing. I mean I am still insecure and have no idea what I am doing with my life half the time but I am feeling more like me than ever.
And more than anything I wish people could see all of that and not just see me for the obvious appearance or blatant things. I wish I knew how to let people in.
The keys were in hand. The door merely a step away. The key just needed to be placed in the lock, turned the door pushed open, another few steps taken, another key used and another door pushed open. Yet a pause occurred. A reflection was seen. And all of a sudden a chain of mental processes began. And it was like lightning striking in my brain.
I think I am just whoever I am these days. I am not really concerned with outside influences or opinions. I just feel comfortable in my skin. Yet that is not just it. I dont feel like I am just anatomically existing. I am more than my bones. I am recognizing my substance and am proud to be where I am at and who I am. And it feels amazing. I mean I am still insecure and have no idea what I am doing with my life half the time but I am feeling more like me than ever.
And more than anything I wish people could see all of that and not just see me for the obvious appearance or blatant things. I wish I knew how to let people in.
20 April 2012
That Person
I am that person. Entirely. I am the one that rolls their eyes and gives an exasperated sigh and feels a rush of annoyance at the ignorance. Here is how it goes. Someone says "OMG have you heard that new song from that one band? They are like so totally awesome. I love them. I watched their music video like the second it came out. I am basically their biggest fan. I love blah blah blah so freaking much. He is so talented you have no idea. You should like listen to them, maybe you will like them. Blah, blah blah." And I am like "uhm so yah, this is actually Blah blah blah's second band, his first one was named blah blah and yes I have been listening to his music since those days an easy decade ago. Would you like me to introduce you to all of his music you have been naively unaware of as you are too top 40 to realize that music goes deeper than the ground. It is often referred to as underground of indie. So yes I have heard that they made it big and I am quite happy for them as it prolongs the days that they will provide music to my ears. Thank you for checking in on my vast knowledge."
I cant help it. That is the person I am. I just am not a top 40. I am not a latest greatest. I dont do bandwagons. I just am a one of those people that spends too much time on AP and happens to like bands forever even when they break up, and when that happens then I just love their new band also. So probably do a background check on your next latest and greatest. I mean this has been me since high school when FOB hit it. I just happen to like music you have never heard of probably, and will most likely crush you if you attempt to introduce me to something of mine. I am likely evil.
I cant help it. That is the person I am. I just am not a top 40. I am not a latest greatest. I dont do bandwagons. I just am a one of those people that spends too much time on AP and happens to like bands forever even when they break up, and when that happens then I just love their new band also. So probably do a background check on your next latest and greatest. I mean this has been me since high school when FOB hit it. I just happen to like music you have never heard of probably, and will most likely crush you if you attempt to introduce me to something of mine. I am likely evil.
17 April 2012
Perhaps She Is A Guardian Angel
Sometimes bad things happen. Or things just happen. And then it seems like no one else in the world could ever possibly understand. Circumstance can create isolation and feelings of aloneness like nothing else. And so often the hardest part of this is realizing that there are actually very few people who could ever really understand. For the most part understanding comes from personal experiences and often pain linked to such experiences. I think that is why when we find someone who truly understands we want to put them in our pocket and never let them out.
Meeting her was unreal. I mean we had met several times, perhaps hundreds wouldnt be an exaggeration. She was a part of my routine and life. Yet I dont feel like we had really met until one day I asked her a personal question, I needed help and had heard she had an illness in common with me. The conversation came and passed and we both walked our separate paths. This happened another time or two and life went on.
Then it was like we met again, for real this time. We were at a dinner celebrating a quarter of a century of someones life. And we somehow started comparing scars, scars that were the exact same from our previous surgeries. Then it melted into a sea of words and emotion and pain all flowing through a private conversation in a public gathering whilst we sat on the floor.
It was like I had met me from outside. Our situations were stunningly similar. We had the same histories of both family and health tribulations. So much so that I had never met anyone before her, besides my doctor, that actually got what can happen when health was throttled by our shared enemy. But more than that, she got the emotion of a failing unit. Sentences were finished by each other as we poured out our concerns for siblings and mothers and the agony of recognizing that we may never recognize someone from our past again.
And when it was all said and done and I found myself brushing my teeth all I could do was to hold back the tears and thank her and God for loving me and for understanding. I dont think I will ever find the right words to tell her, but it was the first time I ever realized someone else could be going through the exact same thing. Could be in the same stressful life situation compounded with the exact same struggles on top off it. It really was like our lives were parallel. Perhaps she is guardian angel.
Meeting her was unreal. I mean we had met several times, perhaps hundreds wouldnt be an exaggeration. She was a part of my routine and life. Yet I dont feel like we had really met until one day I asked her a personal question, I needed help and had heard she had an illness in common with me. The conversation came and passed and we both walked our separate paths. This happened another time or two and life went on.
Then it was like we met again, for real this time. We were at a dinner celebrating a quarter of a century of someones life. And we somehow started comparing scars, scars that were the exact same from our previous surgeries. Then it melted into a sea of words and emotion and pain all flowing through a private conversation in a public gathering whilst we sat on the floor.
It was like I had met me from outside. Our situations were stunningly similar. We had the same histories of both family and health tribulations. So much so that I had never met anyone before her, besides my doctor, that actually got what can happen when health was throttled by our shared enemy. But more than that, she got the emotion of a failing unit. Sentences were finished by each other as we poured out our concerns for siblings and mothers and the agony of recognizing that we may never recognize someone from our past again.
And when it was all said and done and I found myself brushing my teeth all I could do was to hold back the tears and thank her and God for loving me and for understanding. I dont think I will ever find the right words to tell her, but it was the first time I ever realized someone else could be going through the exact same thing. Could be in the same stressful life situation compounded with the exact same struggles on top off it. It really was like our lives were parallel. Perhaps she is guardian angel.
11 April 2012
And I Will Change My Ways
The world was moving on, yet it felt like it had stopped. All I felt was my own breath and the steady beating of my heart. I had recessed into my own mind. I realized a fatal flaw. Pride and the need for order had clouded my judgement. I had seen it as rule breaking. In my head sixty minutes shouldnt be stretched to ninety and sun salutations shouldnt begin when savasana should be starting. It went against my thoughts. So I withstood. My stubborn side pushed through and I had avoided the situation. It was different tonight. I allowed myself to let go of the clock, to recognize that a new style is refreshing and that if we taught the same it would be too easy to compare faults. It was challenging and I needed that. I needed to lose the pride and to realize that I have so far to go.
Spending all of my time in front of the room guiding each pose and following my habits had allowed the pride to sink in. The moment I realized the issue was in my pride not in her teaching it all changed. I became teachable. I let it go back to the practice. All that mattered. It was not about her or me or that we both teach. It was about growing and finding myself and bringing it back to my breath.
I will change my ways. I will release this pride and work harder to become a better teacher and to grow. I want to work through the poses she challenges me with and be able to bring new life into my classes. I fear I revert back to the old prideful yogi in me but I want to be better, regardless, I will hold on hope.
09 April 2012
Everyday I am Proud of You, But Today You Get a Card
Today was peculiar. It just felt abnormally not like a day that is a normal day. It has been like riding up a continual escalator and being so unaware that you are even moving. However the abnormalness hasnt been negative. I just have felt like I was outside the snowglobe looking in, trying to make sense.
Perhaps Summer and Tom explain it best. They are clever and attractive and heartbreaking and stylish and human. Their failures and adversity and success all seem so real and like my life sometimes. Except that my life is not full of such witty greeting cards or impecable fashion or possibly the two greatest acting people ever. I just relate. I understand Ikea and The Smiths and wondering about love and not wanting to be someones something and wanting to be someones something. I just feel like it entirely is relatable. And when Tom has best laid plans and they crumble and Summer has no plans and it falls into place I just think about how I make the most brilliant plans and they always are destroyed by life.
I think I need to start believing more in fate than just thinking that because someone likes the same random crap that I do means it is meant to be. Tom was just confused and Summer was just Summer. I want what Tom and Summer have, but in their separate ways. In the way that they each find themselves and have lives full of Regina Spektor in the background.
Perhaps Summer and Tom explain it best. They are clever and attractive and heartbreaking and stylish and human. Their failures and adversity and success all seem so real and like my life sometimes. Except that my life is not full of such witty greeting cards or impecable fashion or possibly the two greatest acting people ever. I just relate. I understand Ikea and The Smiths and wondering about love and not wanting to be someones something and wanting to be someones something. I just feel like it entirely is relatable. And when Tom has best laid plans and they crumble and Summer has no plans and it falls into place I just think about how I make the most brilliant plans and they always are destroyed by life.
I think I need to start believing more in fate than just thinking that because someone likes the same random crap that I do means it is meant to be. Tom was just confused and Summer was just Summer. I want what Tom and Summer have, but in their separate ways. In the way that they each find themselves and have lives full of Regina Spektor in the background.
08 April 2012
The Right Person Comes at The Right Time
I am a possibly right person always wrong time type of girl. I am sure I have wrote about this before but I have a friend that once told me, what seems a lifetime ago, that the right person comes at the right time. I entirely believe that, I just sometimes forget it. I am almost always the one looking to another country or hemisphere and feeling a sense of longing. I never seem to meet a person living in the same place, at least not one that there is something there with.
It probably seems like my thoughts are drastic or overreaching but in reality they are much less exaggerated than most things I say. From the beginning when I moved to the states and liked a Canadian boy, to the boy I wrote in Argentina, to the boy I left in America and moved back to Canada, to the boy in Canada I left for America, to the boy in America when I left for Australia etc etc. This keeps happening. Everytime I feel like I have met someone I could be with the right place or time is a massive issue. I have to keep reminding myself that it means it isnt right. At least not right now.
I opened up in a major way tonight and the ball started rolling, Until it was a massive ball of snow that engulfed and killed us. Well maybe we are not dead, but the end of the conversation felt almost that way. The listening ears felt frustrated and thought I had met the one and that only religion stood in the way. Happily I responded that if he had been the one than religion wouldnt have stood in the way.
I have grown up a lot since I started writing online. A lot. And I would not have recognized that before. Just because appearance-wise and personality and a lot of things seem perfect and perhaps I did have a instant love at first sight feeling and things seem as if two should become one doesnt mean it should. Sometimes the bigger picture isnt the small picture and all we see is the small one.
So despite the lingerings that have sat for the last several years I remember that the right person comes at the right time and that hasnt happened yet. And that is okay.
It probably seems like my thoughts are drastic or overreaching but in reality they are much less exaggerated than most things I say. From the beginning when I moved to the states and liked a Canadian boy, to the boy I wrote in Argentina, to the boy I left in America and moved back to Canada, to the boy in Canada I left for America, to the boy in America when I left for Australia etc etc. This keeps happening. Everytime I feel like I have met someone I could be with the right place or time is a massive issue. I have to keep reminding myself that it means it isnt right. At least not right now.
I opened up in a major way tonight and the ball started rolling, Until it was a massive ball of snow that engulfed and killed us. Well maybe we are not dead, but the end of the conversation felt almost that way. The listening ears felt frustrated and thought I had met the one and that only religion stood in the way. Happily I responded that if he had been the one than religion wouldnt have stood in the way.
I have grown up a lot since I started writing online. A lot. And I would not have recognized that before. Just because appearance-wise and personality and a lot of things seem perfect and perhaps I did have a instant love at first sight feeling and things seem as if two should become one doesnt mean it should. Sometimes the bigger picture isnt the small picture and all we see is the small one.
So despite the lingerings that have sat for the last several years I remember that the right person comes at the right time and that hasnt happened yet. And that is okay.
07 April 2012
Follow Up On Jason Tates Thursday Discussion
This week it was on a Friday there not Thursday which is Saturday here. Which is irrelevant. If you dont know Jason Tate that is okay. I dont exactly know him either. I better reign this in before it gets awkward. So the point is absolutepunk is my go to website. It keeps me up to date on my world of music etc and Jason Tate works for them and entirely understands my scene, ergo this is a follow up. Thursday discussions often create endless amounts of pondering for me. Like the one about Drive Through Records or the one about favourite albums from 2001-2003. Things like this intrigue me and can get me talking for ages, hence why AP is a perfect fit.
So back to todays. Its about lyrics. Either you are the type of person who swears that lyrics describe their life more than anything, or you are not. Understand I am the latter. I have a wall just with lyrics. So as I read through Jason's top ten and completely agreed with several I then found myself reading the posted comments and thinking of mine. So I shall share a few that have stuck throughout the years and will forever describe parts of my life.
Death Cab- Someday You Will Be Loved
"And I cannot pretend I felt any regret, each broken hear will eventually mend, someday you will be loved"
Yellowcard- Firewater
"You sat me down beside myself to show me all the reasons I was wrong for you. Was this for real? It's hard to tell, 'cause it was such a beautiful mess we had got into"
Tegan and Sara- Nineteen
"I feel you in my heart and I dont even know you, and know we're saying bye, bye bye."
Fall Out Boy- A Little Less Sixteen Candles
"Cuz your just the girl all the boys wanna dance with and I'm just the boy who's had too many chances"
I could go on for ages. But you get the point. I think it is good to have some way to describe the things you cant find the words for.
music mends broken hearts.
So back to todays. Its about lyrics. Either you are the type of person who swears that lyrics describe their life more than anything, or you are not. Understand I am the latter. I have a wall just with lyrics. So as I read through Jason's top ten and completely agreed with several I then found myself reading the posted comments and thinking of mine. So I shall share a few that have stuck throughout the years and will forever describe parts of my life.
Death Cab- Someday You Will Be Loved
"And I cannot pretend I felt any regret, each broken hear will eventually mend, someday you will be loved"
Yellowcard- Firewater
"You sat me down beside myself to show me all the reasons I was wrong for you. Was this for real? It's hard to tell, 'cause it was such a beautiful mess we had got into"
Tegan and Sara- Nineteen
"I feel you in my heart and I dont even know you, and know we're saying bye, bye bye."
Fall Out Boy- A Little Less Sixteen Candles
"Cuz your just the girl all the boys wanna dance with and I'm just the boy who's had too many chances"
I could go on for ages. But you get the point. I think it is good to have some way to describe the things you cant find the words for.
music mends broken hearts.
06 April 2012
Just Checking On My Dragons
I cant help it. I am slightly addicted to Dragonvale and I dont even care how nerdy that sounds. I mean I always have liked dragons, who doesnt? So how could I not love designing my island of dragons and feeding them and building habitats and watching them hatch? It is amazing. I am not even embarrassed about it. Only 4 more hours til my ice dragon hatches.
05 April 2012
Maybe I Am That Girl
I have spent years trying to fight stereotypes. Paving my own path and forcing it to be one that was not what was expected. I someone have always felt a sense of defiance when it comes to being the expected. I didnt go to my graduation as I didnt want to wear a dress. I spent my mornings before high school at the gym instead of doing my hair. I just wanted to stand out in a sense where I wasnt being seen almost. I wanted to be different but not obtain any attention from it. That has always been the mentality I have had. I never wanted to be that typical mormon girl that went to university just to meet someone to marry and then make a million babies. I wanted to be strong and independent and do things my own way. I didnt want to be fussed over, I wanted to be in charge.
And here I am. With a two and three combining to make an age. I am beginning my seventh year of university, although it will really end with six and a half and never reach a seven. I am unmarried and I dont have a zillion children. And I have spent this time being defiant and not spending my mornings doing my hair and not looking for guys that would fuss over me.
And with all of that being wrote, I think maybe I am that girl. Maybe I really am that girl that wants a fairytale. That wants to meet someone that adores me and makes me feel like a princess and makes me want to do my hair and not be so independent. Maybe I really do want a wedding where everyone smiles as they see me smile and then to have a zillion babies. Maybe I really am not that different.
And here I am. With a two and three combining to make an age. I am beginning my seventh year of university, although it will really end with six and a half and never reach a seven. I am unmarried and I dont have a zillion children. And I have spent this time being defiant and not spending my mornings doing my hair and not looking for guys that would fuss over me.
And with all of that being wrote, I think maybe I am that girl. Maybe I really am that girl that wants a fairytale. That wants to meet someone that adores me and makes me feel like a princess and makes me want to do my hair and not be so independent. Maybe I really do want a wedding where everyone smiles as they see me smile and then to have a zillion babies. Maybe I really am not that different.
The Things That Scare Us, Or Just Me
I do not usually think of myself of someone that is overly fearful. Until I start talking. Then I realize it. And sometimes when I realize that I think "dangit! Why I am such a pansy?!". But I think maybe I am not a huge pansy, and here is why.
There is reasoning behind nearly all of my fears. They are not just illegitimate random things I chose out of a hat. I dont like escalators because once I got my shoelace caught in one and once I tripped on one and got rather cut up. I get nervous when I run in the dark and have to tell someone how long I will be gone for and the exact route I will run because in middle school a girl on my street was raped. I do not like being home alone in the dark because that is always the scene in movies before the girl is attacked, and lets be honest, I am not overly large in stature or strong. I do not like wasps because I stepped on a ground wasp next as a child and they chased and attacked me. I get nervous driving over train tracks because in elementary school the father of a boy in my class was killed on train tracks.
So really most of my fears are logical when referenced back to history. The only one that might still feel flawed is spiders but I entirely think they will kill me in my sleep, hence my fear. As I realized that I wasnt just fearful of the world and everything in it just a few things because of life experiences I realized how wrongly I think sometimes. I have such a hard time seeing the bigger picture in both my own life and in others and it can be like my head is in the sand. I really want to be a better person, one that can be a bit more open to the fact that I dont know others life experiences and what brought them to this point. That would probably help me be a less evil person.
There is reasoning behind nearly all of my fears. They are not just illegitimate random things I chose out of a hat. I dont like escalators because once I got my shoelace caught in one and once I tripped on one and got rather cut up. I get nervous when I run in the dark and have to tell someone how long I will be gone for and the exact route I will run because in middle school a girl on my street was raped. I do not like being home alone in the dark because that is always the scene in movies before the girl is attacked, and lets be honest, I am not overly large in stature or strong. I do not like wasps because I stepped on a ground wasp next as a child and they chased and attacked me. I get nervous driving over train tracks because in elementary school the father of a boy in my class was killed on train tracks.
So really most of my fears are logical when referenced back to history. The only one that might still feel flawed is spiders but I entirely think they will kill me in my sleep, hence my fear. As I realized that I wasnt just fearful of the world and everything in it just a few things because of life experiences I realized how wrongly I think sometimes. I have such a hard time seeing the bigger picture in both my own life and in others and it can be like my head is in the sand. I really want to be a better person, one that can be a bit more open to the fact that I dont know others life experiences and what brought them to this point. That would probably help me be a less evil person.
Barry and His Bladder
I have learned a lot of things while living in Australia. One of the most important though is to not walk under trees. There are many reasons why not to. Initially I didnt because I was afraid a drop bear would attack me and well I didnt want to die. Then I avoided trees at night because Bats tend to swoop out of them at your head. After I realized I was fascinated by bats I slacked off and began to walk under the ominous trees again. Until I saw a massive spider web with a huge creepy spider in one. So it was back to the road. However, all of this was nothing until I met Barry.
Let me set the stage. It was a Friday night and I was walking up to the shops with a housemate. We saw our Canadian neighbours and stopped to chat, as neighbours do. It was a very common occurance really. As we chatted one neighbour asked what was dripping on his head in confusion. Since it flooded last year and well sorta rains a lot the instinctive thought was that it must be starting to drizzle. However, I immediately realized I was feeling no sense of moisture. So I looked up. And there was Barry the Possum, peeing. It was a situation where I knew I should feel bad but I was laughing so hard I just couldnt. Our conversation ended in a rapider fashion but Barry just kept emptying his bladder.
This taught me a lot. Mostly that possums have massive bladders. And that they pee from trees. I think I will stick to walking on the streets. I also think I will love Barry forever, even if my housemates say he cant live with us.
Let me set the stage. It was a Friday night and I was walking up to the shops with a housemate. We saw our Canadian neighbours and stopped to chat, as neighbours do. It was a very common occurance really. As we chatted one neighbour asked what was dripping on his head in confusion. Since it flooded last year and well sorta rains a lot the instinctive thought was that it must be starting to drizzle. However, I immediately realized I was feeling no sense of moisture. So I looked up. And there was Barry the Possum, peeing. It was a situation where I knew I should feel bad but I was laughing so hard I just couldnt. Our conversation ended in a rapider fashion but Barry just kept emptying his bladder.
This taught me a lot. Mostly that possums have massive bladders. And that they pee from trees. I think I will stick to walking on the streets. I also think I will love Barry forever, even if my housemates say he cant live with us.
01 April 2012
Some Hearts Explode out of Chests
It started small. Then the next thing I knew it literally was about to explode. My heart was making my whole body shake. At least that is how it felt. It just appeared like I was normal though I am pretty sure.
These moments dont come exceedingly often. And when they do I generally try and breathe them away. It is like it is a call to action when I just want to sit quietly, unobserved, in the corner. I couldnt ignore it this time though as I didnt want to die when my heart exploded. So I walked to the front and awkwardly said a few things.
I dont generally write thoughts regarding religion on here, only because it is really important to me and I dont want to feel vulnerable. But after my heart wanted to explode I think I should just actually write a little bit of what I said.
I wanted to recognize my gratitude for my mother. For her strength. For her ability to turn me towards Christ when I am struggling. Her ability to centre her life around Christ has shown me the significance of it. I have seen the alternative in the same situation and it was only led to unhappiness and misery. With Christ as the centre you are never alone and you can receive a peace that cannot be cured in a worldly fashion. I am both grateful for my mother and for her upbringing me in a religious environment. I cant imagine the pain and inconsolable aching I would feel if I lived without Christ.
My heart shall remain in my chest.
These moments dont come exceedingly often. And when they do I generally try and breathe them away. It is like it is a call to action when I just want to sit quietly, unobserved, in the corner. I couldnt ignore it this time though as I didnt want to die when my heart exploded. So I walked to the front and awkwardly said a few things.
I dont generally write thoughts regarding religion on here, only because it is really important to me and I dont want to feel vulnerable. But after my heart wanted to explode I think I should just actually write a little bit of what I said.
I wanted to recognize my gratitude for my mother. For her strength. For her ability to turn me towards Christ when I am struggling. Her ability to centre her life around Christ has shown me the significance of it. I have seen the alternative in the same situation and it was only led to unhappiness and misery. With Christ as the centre you are never alone and you can receive a peace that cannot be cured in a worldly fashion. I am both grateful for my mother and for her upbringing me in a religious environment. I cant imagine the pain and inconsolable aching I would feel if I lived without Christ.
My heart shall remain in my chest.
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