It is one of those inexplicable things I cant help. I just dont like to see neglect. So when I look at my top 25 most played songs and see overrepresented bands I then dont listen to them for months, even if I want to. Which is entirely ridiculous. I mean the fact that I may love them that much should be good and should not lead to punishment. The whole thing is illogical. I just feel bad for the songs that get overlooked because I fall into traps set by lyrics meant to steal my thoughts and draw me in to a grasp I will barely ever escape. So I am trying to break that. But I am a bit OCD and so I feel like it will be difficult to break as it is a pit I have been trapped in with no visible ladder for quite some time.
So here I am. Listening to the beloved album "Broken Summer" quite possibly the album that will most touch my entire life. And I cant help but remember high school and boys and growing up and sleepless nights and pain and emo days and growing and feeling not alone when I listened to these songs. And somehow it brings a sad peace. The music recognizes loss and hurt and somehow acknowledges it and reminds you it's okay but in the remembering it leaves a soft sting. Lyrics are lingering as if they cant leave until I get the message, like a clue waiting for the right person to interpret it.
I want to try. I feel the pleading. I know grudges are not meant to be held and that the grudge is a creepy movie I will never watch again. But I am so jaded and I do feel like bad times seem to last and I know I need to change this and I am about to quote this whole song because it is screaming at me in its soft way. I wish rearranging was easier and that I could just forgive everything. But somehow it just seems too soon. I will try and everytime I bless my ears with this sweet melody I will be reminded to be less jaded but I think this is one grudge that will need more healing. So I will close my eyes and move on to the next song of the album and wish upon a star glowing on my ceiling that one day I will meet a boy that will sing this to me. Because even though it is a bit sad it is so loving and tender and it brings a swirl of the reality of love and pain and life and everything you could want.
So much of the last decade has been defined by this album and I could go on for every song but I feel like I would bore my one reader/I would probably get really emotional and awkward. The thing is this album still understands me better than most people and I think I will never stop listening to it again even though it is overwhelming my top 25.
Would my time have been wasted had this not occurred. // Taking in deep breaths I'm too numb inside.
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