The What If's pt 2

I know it has been wrote by myself before but as of yet I dont have a better title and I need to write this. So we are back to it.

In the end it's the what if's that matter most.

I was reminded today that something doesnt have to happen to be life altering. The actual thought of a what if can be enough. I am not sure where to start, I know my mother would say at the begininning but where that is I dont even know. Probably it was when I made a routine call phone, like ET I often make that call just to keep in touch. And then there was german words and normal words and then it was supposed I had called about her. I didnt know what was happening. And it was awkward. And then I heard about the ambulance and the hospital and details were scarce. I hung up and tried a cellphone with no response. So I did the only thing I could. I knelt down and prayed and cried. It was in the top three, probably two, times that I have ever felt that much sorrow and pain.

Reality came to light an hour later after I was dehydrated from so many tears pouring out. She would be okay. She was okay. They figured it out and oddly it was something I am trained to treat. I would be the person she would see if I was there. But I am not. And that hurts so incredibly much.

The point of it all was that I felt like I would never forgive myself for not being there. And then I realized I cant stay here forever or even for a really long time past necessity. I need to go back. The mere thought of losing the person that has given me the most in my life, with the only possible exception being my mother, hurt more than anything I could imagine.

I am allergic to emotions so I cant really describe it all in words but the literal what if of losing someone that monumental crushed everything I am. I am going to read everything I can on treatments and will do everything possible to make her proud and to solve it all but more than that I feel ever so grateful for another day. For another chance to say I love you and to know that God hears my prayers. I need to step up, this what if has reminded me of how short life is and how close we all are to the reality of mortality. I need to start making more things count.

I love you.