The Art of Dreaming

To me dreams are a form of science. Its neurons firing, or misfiring and the brain trying to make sense of those messages being fired, therefore putting them into a story. And voila, we have a dream. Although I feel like I grasp this concept and understand how dreams occur it does not change my opinion. I do not like dreaming. I do not like waking up in the morning wishing some crazy love story dream was real. But more than that, I hate the ever haunting nightmares that leave me waking up with tears streaming down my face. So as much I know that people find beauty in dreams, and think they have relevance to life or meanings, well I just dont feel the same. I would rather feel the numbness waking up after a sleep induced by medicine than wake up feeling exhausted from a night or restlessness and feeling haunted. Maybe its time for me to realize that moving just changes your location, and really, the slate is not as clean as it appears.

My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy

I actually feel like that describes my life a little in some ways. I let my imagination take hold of ideas and run vampant. Its like I cant help it. I get an idea and then I just think of how amazing it could be and it just keeps going and going. And the more I think about it the more excited I get for this idea and I start planning every second out in my mind. And then at some point I realize it was just a fantasy, just me wishing something would happen. And all at once its like someone lifts the curtain and I realize it was all just a show, a facade, and nothing was real. And yet I dont regret allowing my fantasies to grow because sometimes they provide hope or comfort or just something to look forward too. And every so often they come true.

I felt like I should bang my head against the mirror tonight as I realized my latest was so beautiful but twisted. And as I listened to this album I realized it was pretty much entitled for these moments in my life. If it was real it would be beautiful, we would be beautiful, but every single thing about it seems so messed up and twisted and impossible and the bleakness that is reality surrounding it is so dark, and that changes nothing. After I hit post its not like I will suddenly wake up from this fantasy and forget that I ever imagined it. I will continue sitting here trying to occupy my mind but really I will just be thinking of the possibilities and how to make it real. Thats just how it works with me. This time I have decided to just let it happen, dreams and fantasies are just another part of embracing life and so if it means I get my hopes up a little too high and one day it comes crashing down, thats okay, because at least I know its just a fantasy, but its my beautiful dark twisted fantasy, and today I love it.

Three Words

Often you think of those three simple words as "I Love You". Definately not where this post is going. So get your mind out of the love sick gutter that so easily drowns people.

I was thinking along the lines of "i miss you". A phrase so common and yet I think it means a lot. I can think of times when I have said it to people I would not see for an extended period of time, but really I didnt mean it. It was more like a "I am being polite so I am saying I will miss you, or I have missed you, or any variation of such, but reality is I do not care about your life" and there are the people who you say it to because they said it first. Those are not real. They are just the natural instincts of people trying to save face and to appear to be so kind and caring.

But sometimes you say it and it means more than anything else could. I was rereading my journal from the morning I left Calgary and how much I missed my sister. Saying goodbye to her and telling her how much I was going to miss her was heart breaking. And those three tearful words meant everything.

And then sometimes it is said and it catches you off guard. Maybe because you didnt think they would miss you, or maybe because you didnt want to admit that you missed them. But those surprises are the best. It is like putting on pajamas fresh out of the dryer when they are all warm and perfect.

Since I know you occasionally find yourself reading this, or at least say you do in order to leave me flustered, I figured I would let you know that I really do miss you.

What Really is Reality?

I think reality is something to ponder, and not just because of the recent movie Inception, which did make me ponder it and the effects of dreams.

Sometimes I just wonder what makes things seem real to us. What gives us that distinction between imagination, dreaming and reality? And how do we lose sight of what is real when we know its real?

I spent yesterday with kangaroos and koalas and it was epic and beautiful and I look at the photos and it feels surreal. The fact that I live in Australia doesnt seem real. And when I talk to people back home or think about life back home it seems like a dream sometimes. Its like I expect to wake up in the morning and be back in the Ikea house in Provo or back home. And yet I wake up each day and live life here.

And then there are the things I wish were real, and sometimes I think I wish so hard that I almost believe they are real. Like unicorns. Or like seeing someone from home. I feel like if I want it enough or wish enough and let my imagination run vampant it will happen. But thats not reality.

So I think its easy for me to lose sight of reality. And I think that is a beautiful thought sometimes. The ability to embrace life but to not lose your imagination creates excitement and joy. So I guess even though sometimes I cant believe things have happened to me, that clearly have, its nice to be able to let go and to move on but embrace the future and the memories of the past.

Maybe reality is what we chose to believe and take with us. I think we each have our own reality and its not something fixed, its ever changing.

Words.

"Make everyday worth it while you're over there."

They are just words. Words strung together to make a sentence. Nothing out of the ordinary. I mean we each do it a few gazillion times a day. But yah, thanks. Sometimes your words are put together to say exactly what I need to hear. And everytime it surprises me. Perhaps you do know me better than I thought.

Regardless, I think sometimes we need to put more thought into the words we choose, instead of just throwing them out there for the sake of speaking. Yah, I like talking, and most people know that, but perhaps it would be a little better if I stopped once and awhile and carefully thought about each word and made them count a little more. Everyday should be spent bettering yourself and the world around you so its just another thing to consider.

All I really know is that when you say just the right thing it changes everything for someone else.

Vanquishing Homesickness

I expected to move here and be super homesick. I mean I left with a lot of tearful goodbyes and I was moving kinda far. But then I got here and life just went. I didnt feel huge pangs of loneliness, I wasnt crying myself to sleep, life just continued.

Then today it hit. Maybe because the novelty was wearing off, maybe because I had a job interview making it all more real. Maybe because it was American Thanksgiving, a day for families. I dont know. All I know is it all became more real today.

I got to skype with my mum, which was definately needed but I guess it just was a harder day than most. But then I guess someone was looking out for me.

I got a phone call asking about my evening plans, well of course I didnt have any. She would have known if I did. So she told me we were going to hang out with the boys. I was like sure. Then she asked more about my day and stuff and mentioned she read my blog. I didnt think anything of it, until she said no one should be alone when they are homesick. So she arranged for a get together tonight, for me. I guess maybe nothing like this has ever happened for me. And especially not with someone I just met 2 days ago. So if you end up reading this, thanks, you are like a guardian angel. I just hope one day I can make you feel a fraction of the joy you brought to my tears tonight.

ps thank you. I almost cried when I got home because I felt so lucky to have met you guys.

The Second Annual Travis Turkey Trot

Last American Thanksgiving I found myself stuck in the states. A place most Canadians would love to be on that weekend, however, I just wanted to be home. With exams and expensive flights it just didnt pan out.

So Thanksgiving morning I went for a Turkey Trot with my friend Travis. Now let me preface this with saying Travis would run 5Ks etc all the time and he would win them. So my level or running and his are not even like in the same book. Yet I was dumb enough to be like "yah, this will be such a great way to start the day". So we ran, and I thought I was going to die. I did, however, make a mental note not to run with Travis anymore, and well, running before 2 freaking massive dinners was a good idea.

So today in Australia it would be American Thanksgiving. And instead of being with my family, or sitting through 2 dinners at a dear friends grandparents homes, I find myself alone. It gave me my first tinge or homesickness. So I went for a run, in memory of the Turkey Trot with Travis. That way at least something feels like how it should today.

Happy American Thanksgiving Day, I wish I was there.

ps I am grateful for the technology that keeps my family feeling close on the days when I realize they are literally across the world.

A Pet Jellyfish.

I think I would like a pet jellyfish. One to just sit in a fishbowl on my desk.

Sometimes my life feels surreal. Its like I am living in a dream, and I dont know what to make of it. I have been here for a whole week already, its crazy. Yesterday some of my friends ate Kangaroo, which is super wierd, but to think that I am in a place where people eat kangaroos just blows my mind.

I wish it felt more real. It just seems normal though, as if this is what I had always planned would happen. I went to Harry Potter last night, and it was so incredible, I mean I love Harry Potter. But to just go to the movies with some friends is like what I would do anywhere else. I guess I am really glad I dont cry myself to sleep everynight aching to be home, but in some ways I just want this to feel real, to feel like its actually my life.

I suppose having a pet jellyfish would not accomplish that at all, but still, it would be nice.

Typical

Typical me. I think I already have a crush.

04 uhm.. uhh..

Its hard to memorize a new phone number . Not because its new, well sorta, but mostly because it doesnt even have the same amount of numbers and they are separated all funny. So I had not tried. No one knows me here really, so its not like I am constantly asked for a number. The few times it has happened I just looked it up. Simple really.

I had made 2 darling new friends yesterday and tonight they picked me up. We were mingling with some other people later in the evening and lo and behold it came out that I wanted to go to the beach. The next thing I knew my number was being repeated, loudly, across the room. Wait what? Cid decided I would go to the beach with the boys tomorrow so she was making sure all of the boys had my number so they could come get me. I am overly shy for the most part and would never have had the courage to ask this attractive boy to take me to the beach with his friends, I didnt even know his name.

So now who knows how many people have my number, I would guess at least 4 in that room took note of it. I think this will be my new way to make friends, I will just wait for Cid to share my number with people while I awkwardly attempt to remember what my number is, it seemed to work this time. So thanks dear. Oh and apparently some boy has my address and will get me before noon tomorrow. That was easy.

Stereotyping

Sure, I have strong opinions and I voice them. Sometimes that means stereotyping. Ask any of my American friends, especially after I first moved there, I grouped all Americans into a group labelled "ignorant idiots". Let me clarify, I love the Americans though. My 4 years there changed everything and I am a much better person because of their influence. So the point is, stereotypes are ridiculous. I mean sometimes they seem to work. I have yet to meet an asian who drives well, and most americans are ignorant, but that doesnt mean there are not some asians who drive better than me, and I did meet some americans who actually knew tons about everything and were open minded.

And now that I think about it, besides the general Canadian stereoptypes that were my life for a few years I have never really been lumped into any sort of sterotype. But I think I was sorta lumped into one the other day.

"Healthy Freak"

I am pretty sure thats the only way to describe it. I was out walking with some speech path girls and they knew I was currently living a vegetarian lifestyle (since we had just had lunch they knew) and we got talking about work. I mentioned how I really wanted to teach yoga since I am certified. They were surprised. It then came up that my background was a bachelors in Exercise Science, and you could tell they were already starting to form some opinions. Then we walked past the pool and got talking about swimming. The one girl, bless her heart, doesnt really know how to swim so I offered to teach her, mentioning my extensive history with lifeguarding and teaching swimming. A little bit later we talked about sports or something and it came out that I was starting training again for my second half marathon. I was then informed that I am super healthy and crazy.

Perhaps with that information it seems that way. Maybe in some ways I have tendencies that steer me towards health but then again all I want right now is a chocolate bar. So as much as I might even want to be lumped into that group its not true. I love eating chips and chocolate bars and just watching tv. So I think I have a well rounded lifestyle, not a healthy freak one.So I think since I am starting fresh here I am going to avoid stereotyping people and actually just try and get to know them. It seems like a good idea on paper.

Apple Life

Apple products are taking over the world.

I rewarded myself with a 30gb Ipod when I was 18. It was a gift for my hardwork in preparing for my grade 8 royal conservatory piano exam. I loved that Ipod. Since then it has been through many difficult and trying situations, leaving it, well, nearly dead in every way. But Spartacus and I have many fond memories together.

A Christmas or two later I got an Ipod shuffle for Christmas. Due to my uncanny ability to destroy precious things it found its way into the washing machine a few weeks later. It was tragic. Another year or so later I found myself on the recieving end of a new shuffle during a white elephant game as my little sister knew what had happened to my shuffle and she felt so awful about it. Beatrice, my new shuffle, loves long runs.

Onto the graduation of university. My first laptop was a toshiba PC. And I loved it. Until it sucked. Part of that is my fault since I dropped it a few times as I epically fell while walking, or because I expected it to work miracles that it could not do. When this laptop surpassed its last limb and was dead more than it was functioning I knew I only had one choice. A Macbook Pro. Justin and I grew close very quickly, and spend too many hours together daily.

Fortunately, when you are a student buying a macbook in just the right months you find yourself recieving an Itouch. So there it was, my Itouch joined my ever increasing mac family. Since the arrival of this Itouch came as I was finally about to beat Pokemon Blue on my Gameboy Colour, he was named Charzard, and has lived up to that name.

Upon my arrival in Australia I knew a phone would be essential. I planned on yet another crap phone for when I needed to get into contact with someone. Except I actually wanted a decent phone for once. I was hoping for a blackberry. Then it turned out those are ultra pricey here, but I was informed that I could get an Iphone 4 for no money down, 60 a month, with unlimited international texting and tons of data and calls. So, surprisingly enough, I ended up with an Iphone. Coraline is the newest member to my Mac family and is so happy to be a part of it.

So, as you can now see, Apple products are worming their way into my life and slowly taking over the world. At least I am naming them, and making them human like, ergo making their world domination more plausible.

Canadian life in Brisbane

It feels like I am in Canada.

Perhaps because two nights ago I had dinner with 12 other Canadians.

Perhaps because yesterday I had 2 orientations, lunch and a tour with fellow Canadians.

And perhaps because today I went to the market and the mall, taking 2 buses and the city cat with another Canadian.

I suppose when most of your time is spent with people from Canada, well, it just doesnt seem like you have left. You forget that everyone else has an accent, and that you are somewhere tropical and that its foreign.

I think this has stopped me from feeling the unbearable pains of homesickness.

So I am grateful for the taste of Canada that has been ever so present in my life the last 3 days.

Its Different Here.

It freaks me out that they drive on the other side. So when I cross the road I look both ways like 3 times since I can never figure out which way the cars will come from.

They walk on the opposite side of the sidewalk too, and when all you do is walk, well its wierd.

And everyone has an accent, I wonder if they all think I have an accent.

And its like a tropical forest when I walk through campus.

So far thats it. But it was only a few hours. Its not that different. I mean they still speak english. Oh but there are a million asians here. Which reminds me of working at Cardel.

Change (Day One)

I believe that humans were made to resist change. We like things to stay the same, because we understand that. We resist it when things shift because it is forcing us into an unknown. If change is inevitable than we do anything in our power to keep things the same. Today was a day of change. And looking back on the last few hours I can see my innate desire to resist these changes.

In the airport I watched Paper Heart and Coraline. Two of my favourite movies. And I did this to give me a feeling of home, something familiar. Then when I got to my house I just wanted a shower with familiar shampoo and clothes that reminded me of home. On campus I listened to Taylor Swift and the first thing I bought here was a Boost drink- yes, it is the same as booster juice! In fact, some of the names are even the same. That was like drinking home. I watched Gossip Girl to ground me and then ate Subway for dinner. I know, it seems like I am doing the same things I would do if I had not left, but heres the thing, I am just trying to cope with the changes.

Today I moved literally to the other side of the world. I was dropped off at a house where I knew no one. I moved into this random house, and it is amazing. I fumbled my way to campus and found the bank, set a few things up there, talked to someone about getting a phone and am now waiting for them to get the one I want in and then wandered campus. I found the building where my classes are, twice, which will be beneficial and I didnt get lost really finding my house.

So as much as I am resisting change, I am embracing it. Welcome to my future in Australia.

Tuesday Never Happened

I literally never had a Tuesday. I fell asleep on the plane and it was Monday night. I woke up just before 3am Wednesday. No I did not sleep through all of Tuesday. I just crossed over 20 hours so suddenly Tuesday didnt happen. So then it was Wednesday.
Wednesday meant it was real. I actually moved to Brisbane. So here I am. Sitting in my house, which is gorgeous, and chatting on fb. It does not even seem real. I went to the campus and its like a tropical rainforest. Mixed in with like a flair of mexico or california. Everything is outdoors. So not like Canada or Utah. And then they have people selling things between buildings. Its so lovely. I think I will love this place. But for today it seems like a dream.

Sometimes Random Roommate equals Soulmate

http://kaitlinrosegraff.blogspot.com/2010/11/turk-and-jb-bid-farewell.html

So I read this in the airport. Before flight 2. And I cried. Kaitlin changed my life, and was there for me in the worst times. Times when no one knew how dark things were, and before I even knew. She was there this summer when I broke and has been there for every happy moment too. 3.5 years and still going strong. I love you Kaity.

ps I will do a better ode to our love when I am not crying in an airport.
pps I am shaking I am so nervous right now.

Last Day

Tomorrow I fly to Utah.
Monday I fly to Australia.
I guess its real.
I am moving across the world, alone.
Now that I sit here with my suitcases packed, and just a few things on the floor its hitting me.
I am terrified.
What was I thinking?
I just wanted something to do with my life.
I didnt want to work yet.
So here I am.
About to move across the world.
To a place that apparently has large spiders.
I am terrified of spiders.
I just hope its lovely there.
It will be lovely there, it has to be.
I am freaking out.
Why didnt someone say "Lauren what the *@&# are you thinking? Moving across the world alone is scary and you have no idea what you are doing and its costing you more money that you had ever imagined"
But no one said that.
So I am doing it.
I will blog lots.
And cry lots too probably.
But today is my last day here, and I look beautiful.
So its time for some last minute loving.

xo. Next post will be from my new home.