Broken Snowglobes

I imagine that if you broke a snowglobe it would be tragic as the water would slowly seep out, eventually leaving it as an empty and less worthful object. It would probably then be thrown out or tossed in a box under the stairs to collect dust and to be forgotten for a very long time. And yes, I do think things in boxes can accumulate dust. Dust is sneaky like that.

I feel like tears are often the same as the water in snowglobes. They fall haphazardly and without warning sometimes, or maybe because there was too much pressure built up, or because of an incident. Regardless, once they all fall out they leave you feeling less than full, and mostly empty. It is a feeling of loss and confusion and often misunderstanding of what happened.

Snowglobes should be handled with care, and so should tears.

Classifieds

Looking For:

A new "Go-To" person. Someone selfless with good logicality and listening skills. Someone that will respond in crisis but also just be there for all of the good times. Gender does not matter. Pre-requisites: must not be an ex of mine.

Please contact me for further information.

Nails That Look Like Screws

Sometimes you need reminders. Like a string tied to your finger so you dont forget the milk. I should go find a string to remind me not to step on things. I think I got so caught up in the unwell feeling that seems constant that I forgot what real pain is. I am pretty sure I know remember. I have been reminded that it is much more painful to step on a nail with tons of swirls and to get it half stuck in your foot and then removed. The getting it stuck part doesnt even really hurt. It mostly just hurts when they try and pull it out or when they stick a needle in your foot. In an odd way I am glad I stepped on it. It just kinda brought me back to reality. Pain does that. It is a hassle though as I cant really run since it hurts to walk but thats okay. I will just take this week to get back on track.

Reminder, dont step on sharp things that can impale you, it can be inconvenient. 

The Truth Behind My Lack of Marriage

Odd how the marriage topic is coming up. It just is happening in real life so it isnt my fault that I am writing about it. You see the other day I was having an immersion week in a hospital. As such I was helping with a few patients and observing and what not. The last morning we were with a patient we had been seeing each morning. He was a bit unpredictable but our walk was less traumatic than usual and so when it was finally time to get him into the chair before leaving I was feeling like things had gone much smoother than the past two days, it had been decent. Then as I was helping him into the chair he commented on my weak muscles. In his broken english he told me that I didnt have a husband because of said small muscles, and that I needed to eat more, he then proceeded to tell me his wife was strong.

All of these years and I just didnt know. I mean I thought my arms were toned but apparently not. And since I am crazy I went straight from the hospital to the gym and worked out enough to have my arms still hurting a day and a half later. I am not letting small muscles be my demise, good try.

Being On A Date With Him Was Like Being With A Brick Wall

One time I was in a class about Islam. It was really lovely and their was a boy from Pakistan, he was the most insightful. And so once class the discussion turned to arranged marriage. It seemed like a foreign concept and yet when his input began it made sense. Why not have the people that know you best find you someone? It still didnt seem like my thing as I like the idea of being excessively independent but I was intrigued.

Today I am not sure I feel the same though. As I was conversing with my brother I realized he is my favourite person, he understands me better than anyone else and we can talk about everything. Due to this he has been left with the job of finding me a husband. You see this may seem like a joke but it isnt. Clearly with my years of dating being looked at I am not choosing the right people. I mean I can find someone that seems to have it on paper and then go on a date and find it as boring as being with a brick wall. And there have been people so wrong on paper that were a great match for time. But the problem comes down to the illogicality of the heart and how it makes me retarded. So wouldnt it just be best if someone that knows me entirely just choose a man that has the right qualities and would treasure me? It makes sense. I understand why some cultures practice arranged marriage. I think it is touching.

Do you believe in unicorns?

Margin of Error

"You find the magic of the world in the margin of error"

So perhaps I heard this on a tv show but I am okay with that. It just really rang true so the source is mostly irrelevant. It is when something unexpected happens, something you think is impossible or at least improbable, that you find the magic in it all. It is the unexplained and unexpected that creates the beauty. I think thats what I miss. I suppose that makes it easy though because I recognize that and know its what I am looking for. It is when people surprise us and someone fit perfectly when they shouldnt that we can find what we need. I think the margin of error is overlooked. We spend so much time scrutinizing what we expect and what should happen that we glance over the small yet beautiful things that are really just happening from error.

Reverie

They say the wind is everyone you've ever loved grazing their lips on your cheek.

Sometimes that seems to be a chilling feeling and other times it's comforting. Somehow tonight as my hair blows gently across my face it is both. It takes at least four times as long to get home this way but there is something about being outside and the independence of the journey that is comforting.

Things have been different for me lately. I don't know if there is a reason or not but I think it may be referred to as growing up. I have been appreciating what I have and what matters more than usual. I treasure family like nothing else and have been taking time to just be outside and to breathe in the air. I have been appreciating the health I have as I realize that it could be so much worse and I have started taking responsibility for it all, for everything. I suppose I have just finally come to a point where I recognize where I am at and I am accepting it and trying to make the most of it. Perhaps this is me learning to live now and not in either past or future. And maybe it is less philosophical and nothing.

All I know is that I have stopped feeling like I need someone and can't handle life. I have stopped wanting someone for the sake of them being there and started to remember what matters in someone to share part or lots of your life with. I am reminiscent of people that have changed my life and I feel encouraged knowing that I have met people like that before. I suppose I just feel really grateful because of I didn't I would get bogged down in the self anguish I create in recognizing failures. I am learning to love myself.

You move me like I've never been moved before.

I'm Tired In This Every Moment

Lyrics really can express things better than I can. I dont know why I bother thinking of my own words most of the time. Regardless, I have been really tired. When I say tired I mean I am tired enough to go to bed before 7 each night. Although I do make myself wait til at least 9 because prior to that seems excessive I just am really tired. Even if the clock would account for me lying in that giraffe spread bed for 9 hours it really means nothing it seems. Its not really something you can explain to someone and have them understand.

The thing is I am not overdoing it. My days arent overly stressful right now. And the hours I have free are full of things I like, such as organizing, watching something, reading, running or in the kitchen. So it isnt like things are that rough. I just am really tired with no outward reason. I suppose that is a downside of the appearance of chronic fatigue. Maybe I am wrong, maybe I dont one hundred percent have it, but I can guarantee that it is related to the plaguing health issues I cannot resolve. It is always interlocked. The pain, the nausea, the exhaustion. I am not writing this to whinge. I really am not  but this is kinda my blog and therefore I can say what I am thinking. And I thinking that being exhausted constantly is annoying. I also think that spending my asleep hours dreaming of almost dying on a frequent basis is not helping the situation.

I could have it so much worse. And I accept the place I am at and that there is no easy solution. I just am tired. I just need to find enough energy to inspire my class tonight, although if I dont, my new playlist for our first class back of the year should do it. Thank goodness for Bon Iver, Jamestown Story and Lights.

My Possible Domestication

I realized today that I may not be as typical as I thought. We were sitting around a table in a clinic in a hospital. It was asked why we chose this as our career path. My answer was simple, I had wanted to be a doctor but I decided that having a family was more important and I didnt want to just be starting my career at 30 when I could be having kids. So I chose a more family friendly career. My response was unique to say the least.

I then thought about it. I dont care what other people say. I am at a point where I am ready to get married and be on that path. I like baking and cooking and trying new recipes. I know how to use a sewing machine and how to hem and I have learned to knit and cross stitch several times before. I am a bit domesticated and I am more than fine with that. I cant help it if I am in the twenty first century and yet dont mind traditional gender roles. I mean amidst it all I am excessively independent and I really am untraditional in most ways so its fine with me if I am good at the homely things.

I dont know why it stood out so much today. Perhaps because I blatantly saw that I really really want to work with kids and to be in the next stage of life. The one where I have a job and am not a student. The one where I have more time to just be rad and to bake ninja cookies. I think I may be domesticated and that that may not be typical anymore.

The Green Goblin's Brother and Scrubs

Dreams are not my thing. I have no qualms in admitting that I am not a fan of sleep. I am not even sure I know what it feels like to be well rested so when I have nights full of dreams it doesnt usually leave me feeling any aspect of thrilled.

The other night it was one of those dreams were we had to piece some puzzle together to try and not have something horrible happen I presume. We were shown a photo and at first we didnt know who it was, then I did. But I couldnt just say who it was like I would be able to when I am awake, I could only describe that he was the green goblin's brother and that it had to do with scrubs med school. I really just was trying to say Dave Franco.

I dont understand why dreams have to be so complicated and stressful. In most dreams I cant even see clearly, its basically like I dream without having my glasses on which equals me seeing little to nothing. So really they are just frustrating. I suppose that the one upside is that they make me realize how much worse life would be if it was anything similar to my dreams. It does make me wonder if everyone has messed up dreams all the time though or if it just goes along with my lack of ability to sleep.

Probably Part of Picture Bigger Than My Blind Eyes Can See

I sometimes forget that there is a bigger picture. I really should always remember it because as I noticed today, even with my excessively thick glasses the words in front of me can still be fuzzy. I think thats sometimes how I go through life. Not realizing that things could be clearer I just cant see that right now.

I keep getting glimpses of that picture though. This week I got a series of emails. I was confused at first why I was sent several instead of one. But it didnt matter. Each one contained a photo of someone special. My sister and her bf, one of my other sister at halloween, one of the girls, one of grandma and one of my beloved black sister with extensions. Somewhere in those smiles I remembered that at the end of the day they are what matter. It isnt about the petty things that happen daily its about the people that are always there and the ones you would do anything for. I wont lie, sometimes I really miss home.

But then I got another completely different look. Today I ran into someone I really hadnt seen in a year. Which makes it seem like I have been here a really long time. But I thought back to last year when he was so kind and I just wasnt even interested in dating. I was so caught up in the past and an american that I just wasnt living my life here. And as we caught up today I realized how much I have grown in the last year. I have a life here now, and I like it. I have started building up a network of people in my life in all different areas. I have routines and I like how set things are. So as we chatted I became aware of how grateful I am that in only a year I have made a home and no longer feel like I have missed out on something left behind. I wonder if I ever really felt like Utah was my home, I dont think I did. I miss it now, a lot some days, but I have actually grown enough to settle down and live now instead of always waiting until something becomes more permanent.

My eyesight is still poor, and I cant really piece together the future beyond the next 11 months that seem so rigidly set in stone. But I feel a sense of peace and excitement as I recognize that the bigger picture is holding something great because I have the things that matter most already.

It's the Strong Vs the Weak With a Chance They Both Might Break

It feels like that constantly without the realization of breaking. Life generally seems like we are working to become strong or fighting for something knowing we are the underdog. And then there is the odd chance when we are the one with the upper hand expected to walk away with the winnings. Yet do we actually realize that regardless of our position when its a versus situation both parties may lose. It isnt an exclusive thing, life doesnt always have clear winners and losers.

I often forget that I cant do everything alone. And when I get into those situations I find that I change the versus internally and still have that battle as I struggle to accept strengths and focus on weaknesses. I think that when we are aware that pitting ourselves against anything we are just setting ourselves up for the chance to break we have to be careful. I am not saying we shouldnt challenge ourselves and others, I just feel like its more beneficial to be on the same team than to put everyone at a risk of breaking.

I could stand to be more of a team player. I wouldnt say I look out exclusively for me, I just dont usually gravitate to group things, I prefer to just be on my own as I know that if there is failure it doesnt hurt someone else. Perhaps the whole thought behind this is that the strong and the weak should just come together in a synergetic type of way and then the both breaking thing wont be an issue. We are all strong yet full of weaknesses but we dont have to choose to break.

I need to be less hard on myself.

Floodiversary

Let me tell you a story children. A story of a time that seems so long ago.

Once upon a time I moved to another land. I settled in and began to build a life there. It tended to rain a lot but it was a nice relief from the heat so it was a joy. After a few weeks water began to pool on the street. It was nothing significant usually. Most mornings it was ankle height. 

But as the rain came and time passed the water reached a bit higher. But I wasnt concerned, so I took a photo as I walked through the water on my to school and thought nothing more of it.

Until the next day. It was a Tuesday and we were at uni. All of a sudden we were being given announcements of flooding. Many suburbs and roads were beginning to flood. We kept learning though, and began reassuring our peers. It didnt seem real and I was not worried. Eventually the mood became heightened and we were sent home and we would be notified when classes resumed. I began to make a plan, I would go to the store and pick up some groceries and spend these days off snacking and watching movies. So I went to the store. By the time I got to my street I realized it was filling up with water. And it was bin day so the bins began to float away. However, I was still calm and trudged on, I mean in.

But as I kept walking the water began to rise much higher than expected. It was now above my waist and I had several houses to walk with no other option. So I continued on with hopes that nothing dangerous was in the water with me.

As I got home I turned around and realized the water was halfway up the driveway, but it was a solid steep driveway and I had a two story house. So I went in and made pasta and started facebooking.

This is when things start getting blurry. I remember sitting and being calm. Then hearing from my housemate that our home was flooding. I didnt comprehend what that meant. I knew to take valuables. So I began to pack all of the things I would need. My textbooks, my black pearls, my photos, pajamas and an outfit or two. Not much. I then made a few frantic calls as I was getting nervous. A girl from uni that lived up the road offered to come and help. By this point the water was head height and further up the driveway. But I was sensible and put on my swimsuit and had my umbrella.

My housemates came home. We moved as much furniture and belongings upstairs and to the highest peaks possible. We each grabbed a few bags. I took two backpacks. It was all I could really carry over my head and I planned on coming right back. I didnt think it would mean losing a home. So off we went. Through the hole in the fence, across the neighbours driveway and through an abandoned chicken coop up the hill to the street behind us. A dear friend picked me up and handed me several towels before letting me in the car. And then I was homeless.

After two days of watching it on TV I realized I had barely any clothes and no home. The tide was peaking and I started to realize that floods were a bit sucky. So the boys that had given me a roof over my head went to my home and collected some belongings. It really was not a safe or healthy idea and I am still shocked they did it. They had to swim through a back yard, over a fence and into the second story of my house where they then grabbed a suitcase of clothes for me.

The sun came out but the waters stayed. I went back to check and more of the street was flooded than I could have imagined. I couldnt even get close to my street.

A friend of my housemate came around and checked on the place. It really wouldnt look so bad if you didnt realize that was the second story balcony that the water had surpassed. Our beloved home was now full of dirty flood mud and water. 

 It didnt hit until I was back in the house cleaning it out that I wouldnt be living there again. I really thought the flood would come and go and life would be back to normal. It wasnt. We used a boat to get things across the road since our street was still flooded and spent a lot of time hosing down belongings. 

And then we were for real homeless it seemed. It was on to friends places until a new place could be secured. We were blessed to have so many people take us in and to love us.

So kids, when you find water outside your home above your knees or waist, it probably is best to pack the things you really need, not textbooks, and to get off of facebook. Time is precious and natural disasters are rampant and affect many lives. Floods happen, and so do floodiversaries. So take time to reminisce and be grateful and to laugh about things like losing shoes in flood mud in chicken coops while being homeless. 

Today it didnt rain.

... But Words Will Hurt Forever

I probably watch way too much Scrubs since I can use quotes from it to describe basically everything I could imagine to feel. Maybe that is why I rewatch it. It is comfortable, it is safe and JD expresses enough emotion that I dont have to do it outwardly.

It wasnt like there was name calling. It wasnt immature. It was just a message. A short message informing me that we couldnt text because it opened old wounds. Maybe it wouldnt have stung so much if I felt at fault. I didnt really. You had asked about me. I had no intention of any communication with you today, I didnt have study questions and I was caught up in my own world which was logical. It feels unfair to be recut off when I was the one that was so cautious and had to set up space boundaries to heal in the first place. It shouldnt have hurt. It wasnt just the words, it was the fact that it triggered my mechanosensitivity. It doesnt even make sense. Something emotional shouldnt be able to create or reproduce physical pain. I didnt say that to you though. I kept it simple and refrained from saying a single thing I thought or wanted. The last few days I have thought about telling you whats going on, I was trying to convince myself that people dont always leave. And that if we could be exes and actually be real friends that it meant that you would always be here when I needed something, plus you know the background of most things. So I thought maybe you were the answer to prayers. I mean it almost felt safe. I am glad it didnt entirely and I stayed silent. I must just like hurting myself, why else would I try so hard to mend fences.

People do leave. And regardless of what they say they dont usually stay. Some will, but only a select few. I honestly thought that I was beyond this, but maybe once you love someone you never entirely unlove them. And its the people that you love that always know the exact way to cut you the most. So even though sticks and stones may break my bones, words will hurt forever. Your words hurt but I wont be one to fight this time. Dasvedanya. I wont be reopening those wounds.

Do You Think Time Would Pass Us By?

I just wish I could stop time sometimes. Mostly just so I can stop and think and just take a moment to breathe things in. To figure out what is happening. To find solutions instead of just problems and to be able to take control. I just feel so lost and confused but that doesnt make sense. I know exactly what I am doing and days are planned out and most of the next year is set in a form of almost solid stone. So I should feel on track and in control. I am in control. It is my life. But somehow I get feelings of mass disaster and collapse. I think it must be insecurity setting in, maybe because things are becoming real. I cant just hide behind books anymore. I have to actually stand on my own two feet with nothing else much besides the brains in my head. And I am terrified. Too much rides on me succeeding. Failure isnt an option here. And I know it isnt really in the cards. But all of those things you cant plan for and those ones you wish you could plan for or timeline but you cant even fully imagine, just seem to somehow dim the brightness of what I can expect. I am impatient and sometimes short sighted and I know that if I could see the big picture I wouldnt feel this way but sometimes I cant help the way I feel.

So I wish I could just take a breathe and find clarity in the things that scare me but not to have time pass while I find that clarity because somehow time is passing as if we are all skating along without stopping for anything.

Chiropetera

The way their wings move and the fact that you can see the bones and the webbing fascinates me. It gives me that eery calming feeling as I watch them swoop around when I do yoga in the evenings. Its as if they are watching but also protecting. I would like one as a pet. A fruit bat specifically. I feel like that would be more awesome than most other animals, besides my future pet jellyfish Frederick.

I cant help but be amazed by such creations. Their intricacy and beauty is stunning and intriguing. I sometimes wonder what it would be like to be free like that. To just be able to fly and glide wherever you want and to be able to frighten people by swooping at then from trees and to be a frugivore. It just seems to magical and without major downsides. But maybe bats are more humanish than we realize. Some are carnivorous and some arent, and some are vampires. I think that basically covers all human species. So maybe we arent that different from the other creatures around us. It makes me love them even more realizing how unique and yet humanlike they are in my mind. I would really like a bat, or wings.

When The Pieces Finally Start Fitting

I think life is like a puzzle. We have all of the tools and things we need to succeed but sometimes it is so incredibly hard to find the ones we need. If you are like me you start with the outside pieces, that ones that seem to make the most sense. Then it is a matter of scouring through all the other pieces trying to find the specific one you need for each scenario. Most of the time I have no idea what some pieces are or their relevance and I have a hard time seeing how any sort of picture can be made. But then when it starts coming together I feel amazed. It's like stepping back for the first time and realizing your work was for something.

That was today. I never really associated my yoga experiences with physiotherapy. I did in the rehab sense but not in the fact that it would actually be excessively beneficial. So there I was. One on one with my patient with an educator taking notes. And it was awesome. I had pre-planned in that planning I realized it was the same as yoga scripting. You plan logically, per position and starting with more of a warm up and then moving to harder techniques. It really was the same. And the interaction was so normal and easy. It just was fluid and right. And for the first time I saw it fit together. I actually am going to be a good physio, I can do this, and I will do it well. I am a bit proud of myself today. Hard work does pay off.

I Would Go To Jail With Only Boys, Just To Prove I Was As Tough As You

I like to appear strong. Independent. Like I dont need someone else to fight my fights. I dont want people to ever think I am weak especially not weaker than boys. I may be, but I dont like to come across that way. Perhaps thats why I am so sarcastic and brash. It is really just a way hide insecurity and fear. I dont know why I have this innate since to prove myself. I dont even know who I am placing myself up against most of the time, its probably just like Chuck Norris or something, that would make sense.

It makes me wonder though, wonder why I am this way. I am pretty sure it relates to the fact that I see weakness in myself easily and dont want such weaknesses to be apparent to wandering eyes. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I can shelf emotions and painful things and look objectively at most situations and without the emotion I see the black and white of what is strong and what is weak. And maybe it is because I just want people to realize that I am strong enough to get through the sky falling. Reality is, I probably dont want to go to jail with only boys just to prove a point though.

My Kung Fu/ Ju Jitsu Stuff

Oh hey. I am basically a ninja. Well maybe not. But I definitely entirely wish I was. And apparently my grandfather thinks that I have such skills. I am still a slight bit confused as to how he thinks that Kung Fu and Yoga are the same but I will take it. I mostly really love yoga. A resolution is to do it daily. So fingers crossed. It always confuses me how I can love it so much but how easy it is to not make time for it. I think that comes from my procrastination pants, I would say jeans but I dont really wear those. It is just really easy to waste time or to feel tired and just not get around to the things that matter. I suppose if I stick with that mentality I will never be a ninja. Although I did leap onto a semi high brick wall in three inch heels and a cocktail dress in a most flawless manner the other night... the point of this all is that its good to love something. And to love it so much that people think about it when they think of you.

The Completeness of JD and Elliot

A few hours ago one of the most important people in the entire world got engaged. Nathan and Kaity remind me that fairytales and true love exist, they entirely complete each other. It makes me think of JD and Elliot, possibly because Kaity has always been the JD to my Turk. So now that they are all ringed up I find myself wondering if Nathan is Elliot. He has never acted Ellioty but I mean he has to be Elliot for this to work. It is confusing, but I think I can cope with it. JD and Elliots marriage completed the eight seasons and completed a beautiful chapter in my life, although it isnt exactly completed since I still rewatch scrubs on a frequent basis. The point is, I think that people really can complete each other. Sometimes I am really cynical and jaded but deep down I know that the right person makes you better than you are by yourself. So congratulations my soulmate, I am entirely excited and thrilled with your pure happiness. I love you both.