I just wish I could stop time sometimes. Mostly just so I can stop and think and just take a moment to breathe things in. To figure out what is happening. To find solutions instead of just problems and to be able to take control. I just feel so lost and confused but that doesnt make sense. I know exactly what I am doing and days are planned out and most of the next year is set in a form of almost solid stone. So I should feel on track and in control. I am in control. It is my life. But somehow I get feelings of mass disaster and collapse. I think it must be insecurity setting in, maybe because things are becoming real. I cant just hide behind books anymore. I have to actually stand on my own two feet with nothing else much besides the brains in my head. And I am terrified. Too much rides on me succeeding. Failure isnt an option here. And I know it isnt really in the cards. But all of those things you cant plan for and those ones you wish you could plan for or timeline but you cant even fully imagine, just seem to somehow dim the brightness of what I can expect. I am impatient and sometimes short sighted and I know that if I could see the big picture I wouldnt feel this way but sometimes I cant help the way I feel.
So I wish I could just take a breathe and find clarity in the things that scare me but not to have time pass while I find that clarity because somehow time is passing as if we are all skating along without stopping for anything.
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