Goblin Babies.

I didnt see them at first, they were so perfectly set in the crib. Then it was pointed out. You actually have Goblin Babies in your crib. Only during the day it seems, or when you are home. Which makes sense, its just good parenting. I mean, we cant just leave goblin babies out on the lawn in a crib when its dark out. That would be ridiculous. Overall, I love your goblin babies, and I perhaps lust after them a little because they are so glorious. And Goblin Babies are wierd, sure, but I think that expressing those weird inner thoughts just shows personality or insanity. Regardless, I love those goblin babies on your lawn.

Fourteen.

Fourteen Days is equal to two weeks.
Which is equal to my time left in Calgary.
I dont know where the days all went.
I clearly remember that moment in the hotel room in Butte when I opened the email that changed my future.
It was conditional acceptance.
I cried.
But it was surreal.
Just something that was now an option, nothing official.
And now its only fourteen days til I hop a plane.
It is real.
I am such a short step away from moving to Australia.
I want to make the most of each day here.
And not because its goodbye, its not.
Its more a Dasvedanya situation again.
Just waiting til we meet again.
Yes, each day needs to be productive and beautiful.
I love Canada, and am scared to leave it.
But I am initially leaving it for Utah, which is pure love.
So I guess there is no room for tears.
An email changed my life.
My life is beautiful.

XO.

I love how you love Gossip Girl too. You are the best. I am glad you were magically in town this weekend and we could have booster juice date night, even though booster juice was closed. gah, catching up was so great. Which has led me to even more thinking than before. You are so insightful, and encouraging. Maybe I will go for it. Maybe I will say something. I hope you can come visit me in Australia. That would be amazing. Oh and I adore you. Too bad you have been living in Van. Oh well. I am so happy you were in town and that tonight was so perfect.xo.

Inspiration or was it Perspiration

One: How many people does it take to make a difference?

I read that title on your coffee table one day and wanted it instantly, yet its been hard to come by. But it has crossed my mind several times over the months. It really does just take one person to make a difference, and yet that change has to begin with ourselves.

This week I found myself re-inspired. I have nothing stopping me anymore, no more lame excuses or things to fall back on that can be blamed for stunted progress. It is time to move on. And I feel so ready to begin that change within myself.

Today I started training for another half marathon. Day one. I ran 2.5 miles. I was actually satisfied, its been 4 months since my first half and it killed me, nearly. Physically I am finally at a place where I can train again and emotionally I feel more stable. So the training begins. I leave in 5 weeks so I would like to be in a solid routine by then. I am planning on doing yoga on my off days to cross train. This will be epic.

Along with the physical renewal I am ready to take control of my life. I move to Australia in 5 weeks. I should be living there for the next two and a half years. So its time to plan a life there. I started touching up my resume and working on a cover letter today. I also am going to get back on top of practicing teaching yoga so I will be more prepared. Yesterday I had a business dinner about finances. Yes, I am ready to take control of my life.

Please feel welcome to join me in the self search for the best me, because I am ready to be that person, and to make a difference in someones life. xo.

The Letter M.

I have resorted to blaming things out of my control on the letter M. It is all much more logical in my head. However, if you want me to visit, then ask me. You know I would be much more inclined to try and make that happen if you asked. Instead, you have resorted to asking other people to tell me to come, or telling me other reasons to come. Do you feel like if you say it, then its admitting that there is something there? Its okay, I mean we both know I am leaving so we cant get attached. Just say it. Secondly, you are such a dork. Maybe I will show up at your parents for dinner, haha, that would be ridiculous. We will go get your ladder instead. But really, bets? Come on, we should just talk about it. So because I find that most of my mass confusion is a result of the lack of open communication about emotionally related things involving people that have names that start with M, I think I will blame M.

A Life Lived to Its Fullest

You are an inspiration. You achieved what most people could only dream of. You battled cancer 4 times and never gave up hope. You always put your faith in God first and never looked back. You and your beautiful wife are a constant reminder of true love. And you have left a legacy, one that will be hard to come close to.

In loving memory, Timothy Lance Harriman. Thank you for inspiring me to be a better person, to live with more courage, to face my fears and to never let my faith in God falter. You will be missed by so many, but know that you truly changed thousands of lives.

Hundreds of days to a conclusion I knew from the start.

Nearly a year and a half. Filled with letters I would never send. Boys I would just compare to you. Moving away thinking it would resolve everything. And yet here I am. Almost where I was before, except in such a different place. I have changed in most ways. I met you and was so insecure and lost and just trying to find something to grasp onto to find an identity. And now I know exactly what I want for a future, I have direction, I understand my own religion better and I have a greater appreciation for life. I also learned what it means to truly be there for someone, and have someone there for me even in the most inopportune times. I thought that first time we talked I knew, and now I know I was so wrong then. You invade my dreams, and my workplace and my mind. And I cant help but fall for you a little more everyday. I spent that year and a half telling myself to get over you, and that I was over you, and that I would be over you for good. I was wrong. I currently cant imagine being over you, ever. I cant help but to think if there was not that one difference that things would be so different right now. You say the right person comes at the right time. I think i disagree. Love is so inopportune. Perhaps I do love you. Regardless, I am a better person for knowing you, and I will always be grateful for that.

ps too bad you dont read my blog.

Ineffable

I finally found a way to describe it all. Ineffable. There is no real way to put it in words. I am trying to, because I see how it tears you up when you dont, but there is not way to make you see how I feel or to make it go away. I cried through dinner last night. Not because the food sucked or anything, it was actually an enjoyable vietnamese meal. But because life is so hard, and everything here reminds me of that. Everytime I see your faces I am reminded a little bit of how we are broken. And now little things keep reminding me that you died Heather, its real, you are gone. And now Tim is gone and Christa is alone. I cant imagine being a widow. And its all real. And it hurts so freaking bad sometimes. I kept telling myself Heather was still here, but shes not. And I didnt want to believe cancer won and now someone else is feeling loss, so until I asked for work off for the funeral and read the obituary it didnt seem real. And until I realized that you were never coming back and I have to learn to rebuild my life and to try and mend myself it didnt seem real either.

So its ineffable. I cant explain to you why somedays I feel overwhelemed with sadness. Why sometimes its hard to see past the pain. It doesnt make sense. I cant understand why two beautiful people in their early twenties are gone. I dont understand how you can stop loving someone. I dont understand the bigger picture.

I have faith. I know things will get better, and some days they are beautiful. But being here is a constant reminder of the pain. Of the loss. Of the brokenness that has become a part of me. So I am sorry. I am sorry I cant be stronger for other people. I am sorry I sometimes dont call or remind you that I love you all. But I cant explain to you what is going on. I cant put words to the hollow feeling that haunts me sometimes. I cant express to you how I see the happiness and the progress I am making and the future I am building while at the same time feeling like their is little hope and that I will never heal.

The emotions I feel and the brain process and illogicality of it all is not something I can explain. I just need more time. I need to start letting myself heal. And being here feels like I am letting the wounds just be tugged at so they wont heal. I dont expect you to understand, because I dont. And I dont expect it to go away, because now I know it wont. But it wont define me forever. It just will a little bit today. So next time when you realize you are not okay, dont feel pressured to explain it, sometimes feelings and brokenness are just ineffable. And I accept that. And its okay. Everything will be okay.