Ineffable

I finally found a way to describe it all. Ineffable. There is no real way to put it in words. I am trying to, because I see how it tears you up when you dont, but there is not way to make you see how I feel or to make it go away. I cried through dinner last night. Not because the food sucked or anything, it was actually an enjoyable vietnamese meal. But because life is so hard, and everything here reminds me of that. Everytime I see your faces I am reminded a little bit of how we are broken. And now little things keep reminding me that you died Heather, its real, you are gone. And now Tim is gone and Christa is alone. I cant imagine being a widow. And its all real. And it hurts so freaking bad sometimes. I kept telling myself Heather was still here, but shes not. And I didnt want to believe cancer won and now someone else is feeling loss, so until I asked for work off for the funeral and read the obituary it didnt seem real. And until I realized that you were never coming back and I have to learn to rebuild my life and to try and mend myself it didnt seem real either.

So its ineffable. I cant explain to you why somedays I feel overwhelemed with sadness. Why sometimes its hard to see past the pain. It doesnt make sense. I cant understand why two beautiful people in their early twenties are gone. I dont understand how you can stop loving someone. I dont understand the bigger picture.

I have faith. I know things will get better, and some days they are beautiful. But being here is a constant reminder of the pain. Of the loss. Of the brokenness that has become a part of me. So I am sorry. I am sorry I cant be stronger for other people. I am sorry I sometimes dont call or remind you that I love you all. But I cant explain to you what is going on. I cant put words to the hollow feeling that haunts me sometimes. I cant express to you how I see the happiness and the progress I am making and the future I am building while at the same time feeling like their is little hope and that I will never heal.

The emotions I feel and the brain process and illogicality of it all is not something I can explain. I just need more time. I need to start letting myself heal. And being here feels like I am letting the wounds just be tugged at so they wont heal. I dont expect you to understand, because I dont. And I dont expect it to go away, because now I know it wont. But it wont define me forever. It just will a little bit today. So next time when you realize you are not okay, dont feel pressured to explain it, sometimes feelings and brokenness are just ineffable. And I accept that. And its okay. Everything will be okay.