Re-Realizations

"Actually, it is only when we rise above the trivial options and ask ourselves in the depths, 'What do I want tot be?' that we emerge from the bondage of a flitting and faceless mode of life." -Truman G. Madsen

The last few days have been long. And full of what I call re-realizations. It's when something happens and I have to stop and re-evalute, when things change and I realize reality once again. The sharp sting of reality is lessened as I come to terms with my role in it.

It began with the re-realization of my apathy. I ran into you at work this morning, and I was not stoked, in fact I felt nothing. A few short weeks ago you made my days, now you are just another face. And yesterday when we were lifting, well I was less than impressed even with your acknowledgement of my hair cut and being sick last week. It was just like, really? You had your change. And then Sunday. I didnt feel anything. I guess they call it the past for a reason. So I suppose as I recognized my apathy towards the three of you I stopped. Reality. For once there wasnt anyone. There was not the butterflies, the anticipation, the excitement. There was nothing. And perhaps thats what I need right now. I re-realized that I need to focus on some things in my life and you were all likely distractions at this point. See you around.

Then as I tried to choose courses reality set in again. I have a semester and a half left after this. Then I am done. Life changes. What happens in the next 7 months and how it turns out could have a very deep and real impact on my future. And that scares me. It really does. But it's time to grow and move on. Finish school. Graduate. Find a future for myself. So as overwhelmingly stressed as it has been, I am needing this reality. I have to find myself fast and what I want before I graduate because time is not waiting or even slowing down for me.

And possibly the biggest re-realizations came as I looked at my wrist. I had wrote CHANGE. All week I have been really focusing on becoming a better person. And it's so hard. I would not say I am a bad person. I just sometimes shy away from things I could do. I could do better. And I know it, and like everyone, I have shortcomings. And I re-realized that they will remain shortcomings as long as I do nothing about them. So its time to change.

Only I have the ability to choose who I am. Who do I want to be? Do I even know? What sets me apart from others? How am I changing society? As these questions torment my thoughts I feel drained but at least I can see that it is all for the best. I am trying to find myself and ensure that when I do I will be happy with who I see.

"We will become much more aware of and alive to the many possibilities for doing good that are present in life's daily situations. Even the moments that seem humdrum are full of possibilities. Nothing is routine." - Neil A. Maxwell

Change

All Change Comes With Hard Work and Dedication.

Lately a lot has changed. Perhaps it is just within me. Regardless, it has changed. I applied for graduation this week. Its like 7 more months of school, and it's hard to imagine. School has been my sole focus for so long. This is one change I am unbelievably ready, and stoked for.
I have also been trying to be a better person. Improve myself. Which has meant more focus on school and religion and the people that matter. And I realized how hard it is to change. Habits are hard to break. Routine, whether it's productive or not, becomes habit and when you choose to change that it is never easy. I got sick and lost my fitness routine, and now it's chilly out so I have less desire to run outside. I got used to being quiet in class and it has been hard learning to speak up. All those little things I wished I was better at, well I am trying to actually be better at.

The biggest change I feel has been so inward. It has been on how I view things. Like first off, I cut my hair. It's to my chin. So much shorter than it has ever been. And I love it. But it was a matter of doing something I wanted to and doing it because there was no harm in it. It just took courage on my part. Something I tend to lack.

Within I have realize that there are so many people that really matter to me.But then there are some that are like addictions. You dont want to let them go, even though you know they dont make you a better person. I have been trying to step away from you. Cross my fingers. And then there are people so opposite. You have become a best friend, for life. Your family is like my family, I love going to your house, and I could wrestle with your siblings any, and everyday. Oh and another, you are the best to live with. Our chats on the bed or our arriving onesies.. I love it all. You make my day so often.

And then there those that are so far. I miss home. And the four of you. 1. You are in Toronto. At least we have letters. I love you dear. 2. I was not the best friend this summer hey, Sorry. I dont know what happened. I am glad we fb so much, I miss you. 3. Saturdays just never live up to what I expect anymore. Your fault. I have unreasonable Saturday expectations. You are the best. Please move here. 4. How you end up creeping into my blog so much, well nobody will know. But even though we have not talked that much lately, well you still inspire me. And I dont really know how. But you do. You just change things.

Life never stops changing. And I am glad for that. I really am. It keeps things exciting.